Current Events > Me: "I'm incredibly stressed at my job lately, I don't know if I can handle

(+) Yeah! (+)

"this much longer"

My gf: "Well I'm so stressed out at my job, I have to do this, and then I have this, and I'm dreading doing this, this is the worst, and I'm really frustrated because of this, and don't even get me started on that, but then if this happens I won't be able to do that, and I'm trying to do this but my BOSS is annoying me, so I have to do that instead"

Me:

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/8/2/5/AAfc2jAAEZNR.jpg

Is this a normal conversation? Should I feel guilty for being frustrated with this response?

p.s. I am not a cat (though I wish I was)

are you dating my wife?

Depends on if she's attempting to empathize or compete.

she says she reacts that way because its her way of empathizing. she knows how X feels, so by expressing how it is happening/happened to her, she's saying that she understands how bad X feels

She's either trying to say that she understands where you're coming from by giving an example, or she just entered you into the Pain Olympics.

She sounds like a one-upper, always has to have the better story. It's part of what ended my dad's first marriage.

She's empathizing in the worst possible way. Meaning her delivery sucks.

Listen first, acknowledge someone's feelings, provide advice for change, then commiserate without your own experiences.

Pretty much my husband every time. I just stopped trying to share

famfam posted...

she says she reacts that way because its her way of empathizing. she knows how X feels, so by expressing how it is happening/happened to her, she's saying that she understands how bad X feels

yea i don't buy that. an appropriate response imo would be something along the lines of "oh no im so sorry, what is stressing you out?" then if the person talking is up for it, they can come up with a solution.

just vomiting up your own problems in response helps no one but yourself

I don't know. It could be her way of showing empathy or downplaying your issues. This award because be either one. I hate that however so sorry either way

Psyloshsr posted...

She sounds like a one-upper, always has to have the better story. It's part of what ended my dad's first marriage.

Sounds like my brother's girlfriend. I hate his girlfriend.

I don't think she's trying to one-up or compete with me in the pain olympics, at least not intentionally, but it feels like she'll always hijack the conversation.

It's gotten to the point where I'll call her out and she'll apologize for it but she'll do it again two days later anyway, so I'm like mentally giving up.

It doesn't help that in life I feel like most people talk at me, which I think is just true for human nature, most people use others as objects to unload their own thoughts on, at least that's the vibe I get when speaking with most people. I'll have coworkers that will unload all of their personal shit onto me for multiple hours but I'm too polite to say "I need to return to work" (though I don't enjoy work to begin with so whatever)

HBKick18 posted...

yea i don't buy that. an appropriate response imo would be something along the lines of "oh no im so sorry, what is stressing you out?" then if the person talking is up for it, they can come up with a solution.

just vomiting up your own problems in response helps no one but yourself

That's an appropriate amount, but I think in 2023 we should understand that our brain chemistry doesn't allow everyone to do that and we have many ways to express empathy and connect with people.

Sounds like she's trying to one up you.

Test it, talk about how painful your headache is, see what she says

cjsdowg posted...

I hate that however so sorry either way

Thank you I appreciate that!

It's okay, it's not like I hate her for it, I don't think it's intentional. It just makes me feel less like wanting to share, which leads to me feeling lonely

Cleo_II posted...

Pretty much my husband every time. I just stopped trying to share

Yeah same here.

Which is dangerous, I'm reading a relationship book and it specifically calls out this behavior. It's not being content in your situation, it's avoiding/retreating. That kind of mentality can spread like a virus.

That being said, some negative behavior from your partner is fine, sometimes you do have to accept that your expectations are unreasonable. If I asked my partner to organize the items in the fridge in alphabetical order that would be ridiculous. However sharing your feelings and expecting genuine support is totally justified

She's mistaken what you're doing for opening up the gates of a work bitch session. Just tell her that's not what's up. Or just ask for hugs or some shit instead of venting

counseling never hurt anyone and a third party might bridge your communication gap.

Some people try to display their empathy by explaining a similar situation that they've experienced or are experiencing. I would start by assuming that and only moving to ill intent if she shows you otherwise. But you could also just say "this isn't an effective way to empathize and it feels like you're taking the conversation away from me". Probably isn't aware that it's even a possibility.

cant really say too much about this without knowing how you would respond in a similar situation tbh

DeepFriedSquid posted...

It's gotten to the point where I'll call her out and she'll apologize for it but she'll do it again two days later anyway, so I'm like mentally giving up.

What if, when you don't want her to do this sort of thing, you lead by saying so? And then you talk about your problems. It might sound a bit awkward, but it should work and it sounds like the other sensible options aren't working. And if she has a problem with that, bit also keeps doing this when you've asked her not to, you can see how you feel about it.

I had a friend who was very much like that. She intended well, using her personal experiences to relate to the situation, but ultimately the effect is the same as a one upper - hijacking the conversation and making it about herself with no real way to bring it back around to the other person in the end. I dont think that I could stand to be in a relationship with somebody who does it, there is no feeling of support coming from those conversations.

Im sorry youre having a hard time at work, TC. Is this level of stress an unusual short term thing or an all the time forever thing?

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


thank u aeriis

@sballen pls stop sending me challenges I'm not your strongest warrior

COVxy posted...

Some people try to display their empathy by explaining a similar situation that they've experienced or are experiencing. I would start by assuming that and only moving to ill intent if she shows you otherwise. But you could also just say "this isn't an effective way to empathize and it feels like you're taking the conversation away from me". Probably isn't aware that it's even a possibility.

Like I said she does it regularly even after I've brought it up. Even if it's not with ill-intent is still makes me feel marginalized

TheGoldenEel posted...

cant really say too much about this without knowing how you would respond in a similar situation tbh

When someone is talking I get the urge to want to share my stories too but I make the conscious effort to focus on listening and asking more instead.

Tenlaar posted...

Im sorry youre having a hard time at work, TC. Is this level of stress an unusual short term thing or an all the time forever thing?

Thank you! That's a bit of a tricky question. My work is extremely stressful right now because of a lot of things are happening concurrently, but overall I've always disliked work. I only enjoyed it when I was working for myself, but that was just for a year (because the income was irregular and I had to pay out of pocket for healthcare)

I am trying to save up enough money to work for myself permanently, but I'm always worrying that economy will continue to implode and I might end up regretting making such a drastic financial change

Also speaking of my partner she is adamantly opposed to me pursuing my business because she is risk-adverse

DeepFriedSquid posted...

Thank you I appreciate that!

It's okay, it's not like I hate her for it, I don't think it's intentional. It just makes me feel less like wanting to share, which leads to me feeling lonely

Yeah same here.

Which is dangerous, I'm reading a relationship book and it specifically calls out this behavior. It's not being content in your situation, it's avoiding/retreating. That kind of mentality can spread like a virus.

That being said, some negative behavior from your partner is fine, sometimes you do have to accept that your expectations are unreasonable. If I asked my partner to organize the items in the fridge in alphabetical order that would be ridiculous. However sharing your feelings and expecting genuine support is totally justified

Yeah sorry youre dealing with that. I think you should talk to her about it and nip it in the bud.

Jiek_Fafn posted...

She's mistaken what you're doing for opening up the gates of a work bitch session.

This is my assumption. Bitching is my favorite hobby so if someone brings it up I most likely do the same thing and take over. Definitely not because I want to shut them down, but I can understand it not being the desired response.
if shes not responding to you letting her know you want to talk about your issues without her overshadowing you, and you try leading the convo with that and shes still not hearing it, she may need other outlets herself for her own job stress. You shouldnt have to feel discouraged to bring your problems to your partner for comfort, esp if they do the same with you.

I hate that. Dont people understand were just looking for some support?