Current Events > I crave bad jokes! Feed me your bad jokes!!!

(+) Yeah! (+)

I hunger!

Donald Trump was our greatest president ever.

Whats long brown and sticky?

a stick

What hand do you wipe your ass with? Really? I use toilet paper.

Why did the student abandon his loan debt? It was nothing like his first principal.

Wow. You guys really came through

How did the patient know his dentist was depressed?

He looked down in the mouth.

Im writing these down for my standup routine.

A cow asks another cow "hey have ya heard about this mad cow disease that's going around?"

Other cow says "yup. Makes me damn glad to be a penguin. "

https://youtu.be/B69qMz9rdr4?t=76

How do trees access the internet?

They log on.

(My daughter told me this a few weeks ago. I laughed pretty good.)

Why does Bob Seger fit in in the Middle East?

Because he's like Iraq.

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

sabin017 posted...

https://youtu.be/B69qMz9rdr4?t=76

Mobile games are definitely a joke.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartenders says dry?
German says no just one

Three guys walk into a bar
The fourth guy ducked

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJThYkk_82A

Why do old ladies cover their furniture in plastic?

because they're squirters

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers and says Ill have five beers

https://youtu.be/HnQLX5CNGRU

What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?

An elephants foreskin

What do you get when you cross Magic Johnson and a wheelchair?

Rolaids

What do you call hooker farts?

Prostitoots

How do you get a nun pregnant?

fuck her

What do you call a guy who cries when he masterbates?

A tearjerker

Green Biker guy did it first then Megaman did it immediately after as a flex

What do you call a ghost

Did I ever tell you about my buddy who worked at the furniture manufacturing plant? One day he reached for his water and downed the whole bottle, but it turned out to be furniture polish. Killed him on the spot.

It was a horrible death but a beautiful finish

bigtiggie23 posted...

Three guys walk into a bar
The fourth guy ducked

Three blondes walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

because theyre ugly and they stink

Why do all the ships in the Norwegian navy have barcodes printed on their sides?

So that when they return to port, they can easily Scandinavian.

My father wanted to be a lawyer but he could never pass the bar he was an alcoholic

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/9/8/2/AAZgIXAAEZfW.jpg

What do you call a cow standing on a hill?
Lean beef.

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

A stormtrooper gets into a fight with a redshirt.

The stormtrooper misses every shot and the redshirt dies anyway.

I got fired from the calendar factory

I took too many days off

A man in a bar orders H2O, the second man says "I'll have H2O too".
The second man dies.

What happened to the shopping cart when it fell into the river?
It got wet.

Do you know why Peruvian owls hunt in pairs?

they're inca hoots

Why don't bears wear socks?

Because they have bear feet

My dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft

I could not believe it at all, but when I got home the signs were all there.

My son came in the room and said "Dad do you have a bookmark?"

I started crying

My son is 15 years old

He doesnt know my name is Bill

I was once addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey

But then I turned myself around

So anyway the balls say to the penis "would you stop being such a dick?"

furthermore i will intentionally rank him extremely low

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

10 tickles

What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A hematologist pricks your finger...

AllCopsAreGood posted...

Why do old ladies cover their furniture in plastic?

because they're squirters

Eww

A guy walks into a bar, and said OUCH!

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want a truck full of pink ping pong balls?"

His son replied.

"My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."

His father agreed and ordered a truck full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the truck and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"

The father agreed and the boy spent the night in the truck. When the father went back to check on him in the morning, all the pink ping pong balls were gone, and only the boy was left, sleeping in the back of the truck.

The day before the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one oil tanker full of ping pong balls."

The father was very confused by this and had to ask again.

"My son can you tell me why you want these pink ping pong balls?"

His son replied.

"My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."

His father once again, agreed and bought all the ping pong ball factories in the world and made the workers work overtime to produce all the pink ping pong balls needed. He also bought an oil tanker and a pump, a crane and a dump truck to get all the ping pong balls in overnight. On his birthday, his father gave him the oil tanker full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the oil tanker and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"

Now the father had expected this and had made sure the oil tanker was completely safe for the boy's use. He agreed and the boy went into the oil tanker for the night. The next morning, when the father went to check, all he found was his son sleeping in the ship with all the pink pong balls gone without a trace.

Now, a few days before his next birthday, the boy got into a huge car accident and was on the verge of death. His father asked him.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

The boy replied with a choked voice, obviously forcing himself to speak despite the pain.

"My father... It would make me the happiest... boy in the world... if you could get me one... pink... ping pong ball..."

His father replied.

"My son. This may be the last time I ever speak to you. Will you please tell me why you wanted all the pink ping pong balls?"

"Alright father. Come closer."

His father nodded, bringing his face up close to his son's. The son's voice was getting weak by this point, coughing in between breaths. Still, he brought up the strength for one final sentence.

"The reason I wanted all the pink ping pong balls is-"

And then he died.

What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a bar, and the rabbit says "I think I'm a typo"

YugiNoob posted...

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a bar, and the rabbit says "I think I'm a typo"

A doctor in the bar hears this and says Type O? you should donate blood.