Current Events > Is it appropriate to talk about getting married and children on a first date?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Girls seem to think so, but men seem to think it's bad.

I think it's probably OK as general small talk but I wouldn't bring it up. Now, of the girl is getting super personal with questions pertaining to how many kids you want to have and when you want to get married that might be a red flag for me.

I think it would scare off most people. But I am loner who draws fox girls so what the fuck do I know.

Sure. It's also appropriate for the other party to not want a second date because of it.

I think it's fine. It can be a non negotiable point for many people (in either direction), better get that sorted early on if you're both looking for something serious.

Only it the other person brings it up then sure

tripleh213 posted...

Only it the other person brings it up then sure

what sort of logic is this lol the other person is allowed to bring it up but you arent?

Maybe bring it up casually if that's your endgame, and if they don't really respond change the subject.

Casually to understand their mentality about it? Sure. That should be fine. If you/they can't handle a mildly uncomfortable topic, it can say a lot.

Plus, what they say now can change. If they're not interested 'any time soon' (or until X life goal is met) you may be able to change their mind if you're a good enough partner or it can at least let you know where the goal is, if the relationship progresses that far.

But the goal is it has to be casual and introduced organically.

I think it's appropriate. On a first date, you're kind of asking questions to see if there's compatibility and whether this thing can go long term. Getting married/having kids can be a deal breaker either way so best not to waste each other's time.

It depends if that's what your goal is. The direct approach can be very effective if done well.

Yeah, it depends on what you want and how you do it. Personally, I want kids. I see no reason to hide that from anyone if they ask.

As a quick side note -- maybe I'm weird, but I often get to know people before we go on a first date. My first dates are just us having fun.

Like the other topic I think it depends on if you are young or older. Someone older this is likely to be more important an aspect.

Are you gonna let some 's on the Internet tell you what you're allowed to talk about on your date? What is this, thread zone??

If your eventual goal is finding someone to marry, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your date if they are open to the concept of marriage

Within a certain limit and boundary. Its ok to ask if they want kids in the future. I dont feel comfortable if someone asks if we had kids, would you

If you want to scare someone away, sure.

Depends on which episodes you talk about

I wouldn't necessarily talk marriage but I think casually talking about whether you have kids as a future goal is fair game. That can be a hard deal breaker for people.

So you're going in a first date founded in fear of communication yes that sound like a great idea

Wouldn't recommend it, since it can definitely scare off people.

We barely even know each other. Also, it really depends on how the subject is brought up and how it's discussed.

Wouldn't recommend it, since it can definitely scare off people

That's kind of the intent. If I'm interviewing someone for a job and I get the sense that they don't want to stay with my company for long, then I don't want you.

I know some people who straight up divorced over the kids issue. It's either the conversation somehow didn't come up during the dating period or the two people had differing goals and one thought that they could change the other's mind. Me personally, I'd want to know basics up front so we're not wasting each other's time.

No... I would definitely say no on that. Children? Maybe is fine, but marriage??

pazzy posted...

No... I would definitely say no on that. Children? Maybe is fine, but marriage??

You're not asking them to marry you. You're trying to gauge their attitude about it

wackyteen posted...

You're not asking them to marry you. You're trying to gauge their attitude about it

I still don't think it's necessary. You need to spend more time on focusing on actual compatibility. Some people might not want to get married because they don't like titles, it doesn't mean that they aren't willing to spend their life with you.

This isn't like a kids or no kids question because if a person doesn't want kids and the other does, that already paints the relationship at a hard snag. Marriage is something for much later down the line, and more pressingly, there's nothing to really be gained from knowing a person's stance on it for a first date.

pazzy posted...

I still don't think it's necessary. You need to spend more time on focusing on actual compatibility. Some people might not want to get married because they don't like titles, it doesn't mean that they aren't willing to spend their life with you.

This isn't like a kids or no kids question because if a person doesn't want kids and the other does, that already paints the relationship at a hard snag. Marriage is something for much later down the line, and more pressingly, there's nothing to really be gained from knowing a person's stance on it for a first date.

I wouldn't call it a necessary question to ask. I just wouldn't be phased by it if asked about on a first date.

I think casually it's fine to bring up.

Not sure why people are cool with dancing around relationship defining aspects for weeks or even months.

Do you lean right politically?
Do you want kids?

Every girl I've been with answered these questions because otherwise long term relationships will ultimately fail if they don't have similar goals as me.

wackyteen posted...

I wouldn't call it a necessary question to ask. I just wouldn't be phased by it if asked about on a first date.

It's a bit much in my eyes.. it's not a deal breaker, but it's definitely something I'd take note of.

It also depends on your ages.

For example, Im 46. If I was suddenly single and in the dating pool again, theres no doubt in my mind that marital history and children would be a topic of discussion for most people that are my age and dating.

No that's weird as fuck

This just varies so much depending on the people involved, the situation, what both are looking for etc.

I never talked about marriage or kids on any date before I met my wife. My wife and I were talking about marriage, kids, our future together the whole thing on the third date, and that was later than we both wanted to start the discussion. We knew immediately that this was it, and we could both tell. It was kind of an odd feeling, but I have also never been more certain about anything in my life. 25 years later I think it is safe to say our instincts were correct!

This stuff is also going to come up earlier as people get older, etc. etc. If both parties are approaching the date in good faith, many topics are fine. My philosophy was always to listen more than I talk, be myself, have fun, and not worry too much about the rules beyond being respectful and kind to my date.

If these things are deal breakers for you then you should get them squared away before the first date and save everyone some time.

People could do with a lot fewer 'rules' and 'red lines'.

Unless someone reveals themselves to be something like a serial killer or a massive racist, just relax and let the conversations happen. Don't always be looking for 'red flags'.

ai123 posted...

People could do with a lot fewer 'rules' and 'red lines'.

Unless someone reveals themselves to be something like a serial killer or a massive racist, just relax and let the conversations happen. Don't always be looking for 'red flags'.

This is very sound advice.

Sunhawk topic.

Westernwolf4 posted...

This is very sound advice.

Sort of? I think you should have red lines and flags for yourself that say that there are things that you won't do. If you don't, you can find yourself continuing a relationship that you probably shouldn't have invested so much time into.

I feel like there's a spectrum for it. Because a lot of little things can add up to make someone not someone you would be a great pairing for more than one big like that you just say "no." For.

Just because you don't think something is appropriate on a first date doesn't mean that it's some sort of deal breaker. Example, I don't think going to a play is an appropriate first date, but if someone wanted to go, I wouldn't say that it's a deal breaker.

pazzy posted...

Sort of? I think you should have red lines and flags for yourself that say that there are things that you won't do. If you don't, you can find yourself continuing a relationship that you probably shouldn't have invested so much time into.

I feel like there's a spectrum for it. Because a lot of little things can add up to make someone not someone you would be a great pairing for more than one big like that you just say "no." For.

Just because you don't think something is appropriate on a first date doesn't mean that it's some sort of deal breaker. Example, I don't think going to a play is an appropriate first date, but if someone wanted to go, I wouldn't say that it's a deal breaker.

I get what you are saying, and I absolutely think people should take steps to be in their comfort zone when getting to know some one-especially when it comes to safety. But I think the advice that ai and I are posting (not to speak for that poster) is more general. Like, dont let societal pressures dictate what is an acceptable topic on a date (or how many days to call after etc.). Just be yourself and enjoy it, and if something comes up organically who cares who finds it acceptable? People worry too much about what other people think in every area, dating included. If you and your date respect each other and are having a fun time, who cares about anything else!

My first date with my wife was a play in Londons West End, followed by ice cream followed by a moonlit stroll. It was great-dont knock plays as a first date! Second was Planet Hollywood and Sega World Arcade-for variety!

Westernwolf4 posted...

I get what you are saying, and I absolutely think people should take steps to be in their comfort zone when getting to know some one-especially when it comes to safety. But I think the advice that ai and I are posting (not to speak for that poster) is more general. Like, dont let societal pressures dictate what is an acceptable topic on a date (or how many days to call after etc.). Just be yourself and enjoy it, and if something comes up organically who cares who finds it acceptable? People worry too much about what other people think in every area, dating included. If you and your date respect each other and are having a fun time, who cares about anything else!

You're right, I was talking generally.

I wouldn't suggest people do things they are uncomfortable with, nor pursue relationships that aren't working.

But if you go into these situations hampered by a bunch of rules and assumptions, you risk missing out, just because someone crossed a line they didn't even know existed in your head. Be flexible, forgiving, and don't rush to judgements, is what I would like to say.

My first date with my wife was a play in Londons West End, followed by ice cream followed by a moonlit stroll. It was great-dont knock plays as a first date! Second was Planet Hollywood and Sega World Arcade-for variety!

The Planet Hollywood in Piccadilly Circus? I had an excruciating teen birthday there. When they booked, my parents said it was my birthday, as you got a free cake. What I didn't know, is that you also got a birthday message flashed up on all the screens and half a dozen waiters singing to you. Not what you want at the age where you (stupidly) think you're too cool to have a meal out with your parents and are trying to hide in a dark corner.

ai123 posted...

You're right, I was talking generally.

I wouldn't suggest people do things they are uncomfortable with, nor pursue relationships that aren't working.

But if you go into these situations hampered by a bunch of rules and assumptions, you risk missing out, just because someone crossed a line they didn't even know existed in your head. Be flexible, forgiving, and don't rush to judgements, is what I would like to say.

The Planet Hollywood in Piccadilly Circus? I had an excruciating teen birthday there. When they booked, my parents said it was my birthday, as you got a free cake. What I didn't know, is that you also got a birthday message flashed up on all the screens and half a dozen waiters singing to you. Not what you want at the age where you (stupidly) think you're too cool to have a meal out with your parents and are trying to hide in a dark corner.

As always, very well said.

Really sorry about your birthday party-I wouldnt have wanted that at 10 either. But that is exactly where we started our second date! My understanding is that Sega World is no longer there, but it was a super fun place for a date. Dont know if that Planet Hollywood is still there-we were studying abroad in London when we met, so we dont live there. But I have very fond memories! Truly sorry you didnt have a good birthday experience -hopefully you got some presents that made up for it!

Its about as appropriate as making annoying bad faith topics and stalking people with spreadsheets.

I think it's fine to bring it up on a first date. But only as a surface level conversation. Basically just making sure you're on the same page about whether or not you want marriage or kids. Anything beyond that though, should be saved for further down the line.

Like with my girlfriend, she knew that I have a kid from my previous relationship and right away, she let me know that she doesn't want any kids of her own. But she was still willing to give it a shot as far as being around my kid. That was fine with me because I don't want any more beyond the one I have already. I didn't ask more about her reasoning until much later though. Because that would have been too personal for someone I just met.

Westernwolf4 posted...

As always, very well said.

Really sorry about your birthday party-I wouldnt have wanted that at 10 either. But that is exactly where we started our second date! My understanding is that Sega World is no longer there, but it was a super fun place for a date. Dont know if that Planet Hollywood is still there-we were studying abroad in London when we met, so we dont live there. But I have very fond memories! Truly sorry you didnt have a good birthday experience -hopefully you got some presents that made up for it!

When I look back on it, it's just a result of me being young and silly. My reaction is kind of a family joke now.

Living so intensely inside your own head is permissable at that age, but you miss out if you don't reach out as you get older.

Sadly, Planet Hollywood is closed. The Trocadero (where Sega World was) is now a hotel. Lucky that you had such an amazing first date while you could.