Current Events > How do I set boundaries regarding drugs, without using 'judgemental' language?

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Does anyone have access to a template 'speech' or 'contract' or know how to tell someone that they can't have any drugs, paraphernalia, smoking, or vaping, while they live inside my building/home, without using 'judgemental' language? I've been researching online for 2 days now without finding much that is useful. Most of the advice is about personal boundaries, rather than physical boundaries regarding drugs and smoking.

I agreed to let my sister stay at my place, but we haven't confronted her about her drug use. We found meth, burnt credit card, residue, razors, and straws littered at her place. She has been hospitalized for almost a month going through meth withdrawal, and an infection in her leg, and now she's planning on moving back into my family's building.

My 43yo sister was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder around 11 years ago and supposedly takes medication for it. She is prone to anger and spite whenever someone doesn't do what she wants. "You're always trying to control me..." has been her go-to line for the past 28 years of her life. I wish we had realized this about her condition much earlier.

But I want to make sure to set boundaries and inform her that we will only let her stay as long as she doesn't have any drugs, paraphernalia, and doesn't smoke or vape, inside or within 15 feet of the building. How do I say this without using language that 'limits' her choice, so she can't accuse us of 'controlling' her?

I'm not sure extending that to smoking / vaping is the wisest move in the situation. For sure tell her to take it outside, but leave it at that.

That aside, just frame it as "I don't want them in my house. It's not about what you do, you can do what you like elsewhere, I hope you won't but it's none of my business, but if you bring that shit here, you're out."

It's your house, you have no one to appease. Just keep it simple and direct.

"No drugs in my house, you can get fucked anywhere else, don't make it my problem."

edit: Oh, wait, it's that type of person. There is no language that's going to smooth things over or trick her into doing what you want, even if it's totally fair. The end result isn't about your intent, it's about "she can't do x because of you".

So like, she is, absolutely, 100%, going to do drugs in your house. What you do with that info is up to you.

Trumble posted...

I'm not sure extending that to smoking / vaping is the wisest move in the situation. For sure tell her to take it outside, but leave it at that.

Correct. Just basic rules that everyone else in the building already follows.

Try "tenant" "rules" "drugs/illicit substances" "template" or something like that.

I don't think I'd even entertain the possibility of her staying at my place

Having dealt with this before I can tell you that least explosive option is try to create a safe, designated are for them to do whatever they're going to do. You can say, "do whatever you're doing in this shed/garage/whereever", and they'll probably keep it mostly to that area, or you can say dont bring it anywhere near my property, and you'll be calling a plumber a month from now because your toilet is clogged with needle caps or whatever bullshit they do to try to hide it.

You know how addicts behave by now. If they're doing hard drugs again giving them an ultimatum isnt going to make them stop, its just going to make them have another explosive blowout and make you feel like shit when they start screaming about how you ruined their life because you wont let them smoke crack in your apartment.

Sputnik1337 posted...

Having dealt with this before I can tell you that least explosive option is try to create a safe, designated are for them to do whatever they're going to do. You can say, "do whatever you're doing in this shed/garage/whereever", and they'll probably keep it mostly to that area, or you can say dont bring it anywhere near my property, and you'll be calling a plumber a month from now because your toilet is clogged with needle caps or whatever bullshit they do to try to hide it.

You know how addicts behave by now. If they're doing hard drugs again giving them an ultimatum isnt going to make them stop, its just going to make them have another explosive blowout and make you feel like shit when they start screaming about how you ruined their life because you wont let them smoke crack in your apartment.

Pretty much this whole post.

Or you can flat out tell her that if she is to stay in your house it will not be allowed and if you catch her she is gone, but then you have to completely follow through with it. An addict never stops being an addict even when they are in recovery and the boundaries you set must be maintained or else they know you won't follow through and you'll create a shittier situation for yourself.

Also just for clarification I do not look down on addicts or anything like that, I just have a lot of experience with them due to being one myself.

Trumble posted...

I'm not sure extending that to smoking / vaping is the wisest move in the situation. For sure tell her to take it outside, but leave it at that.

That aside, just frame it as "I don't want them in my house. It's not about what you do, you can do what you like elsewhere, I hope you won't but it's none of my business, but if you bring that shit here, you're out."

Pretty much this. I had a roommate years ago that loved meth. I told him I didn't care, just don't bring it home.

The one time he did, I had a chat with him about it when he was sober and was like, "dude, I don't appreciate that. Please don't do it again," and he never did (that I knew of).

Guide posted...

she is, absolutely, 100%, going to do drugs in your house. What you do with that info is up to you.

there's literally no way around this outside of not letting her live with you