Current Events > I'm gonna be so destroyed when either of my parents die

(+) Yeah! (+)

I love them both so much and I tear up just thinking about either of them dying. I don't think either of them are at risk of dying for at least another 10 years, but I feel like that still isn't enough time. Grad school takes up so much of my time and I feel like I should be seeing them more. It's looking likely that I'm going to be getting a full-time job soon, and I'll probably be moving farther away from them for that and have even less time to see them than before. My cats are 14 and even though they're fortunate to be as healthy as they are, they can't live forever. I have been extraordinarily lucky in having almost nobody close to me die and I don't know how I'm going to handle it when my relatives in their 50's and 60's start dying.

I'm not seeking any solutions or anything, but this has been bearing down on me lately and I feel like I need to get it out there.

It definitely isn't a good time.

The one year anniversary of my father's death is next month, and it was basically "I have a healthy father" and then 96 hours later he was in the hospital with no brain activity.

You can prepare for it but I'm not sure anyone's ever truly prepared.

I was thinking the same earlier.

I usually call my Mom when I'm walking home from work.

My parents are still taking care of me (I'm 43). I really don't know what I am going to do when they are gone.

My dad will have been dead for 2 years come January. I still have some of his ashes in an envelope in my closet. He and I were never close, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything with the ashes.

my dad died when I was in college, and it kind of messed me up for a while.

I hope my mom lives for a long time.

I know how you feel, especially after my dad was the victim of a hit and run last year and almost died. tore me up seeing him in the hospital.

Yeah, I didn't start feeling like this until a few years ago after I moved back out. I had to move back home because all three of us were having money problems. We're all fine now, and they're good health-wise as well, but it's like I never even thought about losing them until after I moved out again.

I'm 39 and have never experienced grief outside of pets, and I have no idea how I'm going to react.

My dad passed from COVID. He was in a memory care center because of Alzheimers. Since my mom doesnt keep a phone near her bed, I was the one woken up at midnight that he was having trouble breathing. I has to tell the ambulance people that he has a living will with a DNR and DNI. I was the one who had to talk to the doctor at 3 am and say yes, follow the living will and let him die.

My mom dying during covid dipped me into a downward spiral of alcohol and depression which I have mostly pulled myself out of, but my dad is getting up there and I know it's coming eventually. Dunno if I'm coming back from that one

While people can die at any age I was in a position where my family was YOUNG. My parents were just 14 and 17 when pregnant with me. My grandparents on both sides of my family were just like 34 and 36 when I was born.

When I graduated high school my grandparents were just right around 55. Hell my great grandmother was in her early 70s when I graduated high school. She lived to be like 93. I was pushing 40 when she passed.

Im 48 now and still have both grandpas in their 80s. My dad just retired this spring in his upper 60s. All my aunts and uncles are like 8 to 12 years older than me because my parents were the oldest of the kids on each side.

It felt normal to me other than I noticed a lot of classmates who had parents around my grandparents age and now I see tons of people from my generation just having their first kids at their late 40s to early 50s which is insane to me. I was a full adult with grandparents at like 55 and I have friends who are like 53 with a 2 year old. Crazy.

But yeah its getting to be a reality that my family is not young anymore, neither am I.

DrizztLink posted...

It definitely isn't a good time.

The one year anniversary of my father's death is next month, and it was basically "I have a healthy father" and then 96 hours later he was in the hospital with no brain activity.

You can prepare for it but I'm not sure anyone's ever truly prepared.

I lost my mom a couple years ago. She was baking a blueberry cobbler one night, then sat in her chair and had a stroke an hour or so later, lost consciousness on the way to the hospital, and never woke back up. I was staying in the house with her at the time, so I reacted to everything basically as fast as I possibly could have, but it still wasn't enough.

It sucks seeing your parents get older and knowing they wont be there forever.

TC, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents. Thats more than some of us get. All you can do is make sure you enjoy it while theyre around.

archizzy posted...

I'm the direct opposite, my Mom had me at a pretty late age so my parents were often as old as classmates' grandparents.

Beany posted...

I'm the direct opposite, my Mom had me at a pretty late age so my parents were often as old as classmates' grandparents.

I remember a girl that graduated 1 year before had a dad who was 67 when she graduated. I couldnt believe it because my great grandma was just like 5 years older. I was like wtf? lol. It was so strange to me.

Thats why I spend as much time with mine as I do. I visit weekly and then if theres like a cool old movie thats getting a theatrical release, Ill take them to see it (just this year, we saw Fellowship of the Ring, Ghostbusters, and Nightmare Before Christmas).

I lost my dad over 18 years ago, a few months before I graduated high school. Looking back, it really messed me up for several years, made me very closed off. I'm still sad thinking about the things he missed, my college and grad school graduations, getting married, my new daughter. Even the little things like having a beer with him.

Now my mum's getting up there in years, too, she just hit retirement age. I'm so glad I got to give her her first grandkid this year, but at the same time, she may only have 10 or 20 years with her, who knows? However long it ends up being, it won't feel like enough.

TuxedoCyan posted...

My parents are still taking care of me (I'm 43). I really don't know what I am going to do when they are gone.

Be as independent as possible. Job, cleaning up after yourself, budgeting. Understand their finances and their savings..Know their stuff.

@TC: My dad passed away from cancer about 3 1/2 years ago. I don't want to think about how much time my mom has.

The only thing I can say is to not think about it too much. Spend as much time as you can with them. Make as many more as you can. Travel with them. I wish my dad was still here and I wish I traveled with him more and talked to him. Also make sure they are taking care of themselves health wise. Diet and staying active physically.

Once my dad passed, I had to take on some responsibilities which has changed me for the better. if only I knew what I know know as I did back then.

Besides that. Make sure they have a will if they don't already. Don't wait until the last minute. Have access to their savings/401k etc. You don't want the bank and insurance companies taking their money.

Ideally, everyone should have a will.

It's honestly one of the reasons I still live at home and how I don't really want to leave. I have the opportunity to leave even the country right now and I haven't because the thought of leaving family behind is painful and my mother and I are on practically a 'friend-level' relationship. She does a lot with me, I do a lot with her. Hell, she does escape rooms with me and even went to an arcade last month and had a blast.... and she turns 59 this year.

My father is wearing down though. He's been retired for years and he's overly antsy. "bored" "nothing to do" .... etc. He is only in his early 60s. His job drove him to suicidal tendencies and when he was fired, he sued them for the trauma and won in court..... now he is at home all day, collecting disability too with his battered body and can't even do anything or else he loses his disability benefits. Thankfully, he can do candlepin bowling, and this has been helping. We got him on a senior league, he's actually top of his league in average, and it's not overly exertive on him. Makes him feel more wanted, needed, and that he isn't burdening anyone and can always just go and bowl whenever he wants.

.....But man, my father's mentality without doing anything to keep his mind fresh hurts. He's clearly aged and I hate to see it. He has hearing problems. He always needs attention and always needs to be out and about. All the rest of us are constantly working.

Arcanine2009 posted...

Be as independent as possible. Job, cleaning up after yourself, budgeting. Understand their finances and their savings..Know their stuff.

I see what you are saying, but I've never been independent once in my life. I haven't worked in 25 years. It's going to be a real uphill climb for me to just become independent one day when my parents can't take care of me anymore and I have to take care of them or they are just gone. I know the next response will be "start trying to be independent now while your parents are still around". It's not that simple for me.

I've been a shut-in my entire adult life. I hate driving and have no car and live in an area where you can't do anything without a car. I have zero social skills and severe anxiety so a job interview is impossible for me. I can't even get a WFH job because that requires talking on the phone which I also have severe anxiety with.

Signing up for disability might be my only option and even that seems unlikely because I sincerely don't believe whatever I have is considered a disability because what it really breaks down to is, anxiety and panic attacks aside, I truly just don't want to get a job. I like not having to deal with that kind of life. It really really sucks that I am essentially making those around me work and take care of me but I think it would suck more to work for myself.

Garioshi posted...

I love them both so much and I tear up just thinking about either of them dying. I don't think either of them are at risk of dying for at least another 10 years, but I feel like that still isn't enough time. Grad school takes up so much of my time and I feel like I should be seeing them more. It's looking likely that I'm going to be getting a full-time job soon, and I'll probably be moving farther away from them for that and have even less time to see them than before. My cats are 14 and even though they're fortunate to be as healthy as they are, they can't live forever. I have been extraordinarily lucky in having almost nobody close to me die and I don't know how I'm going to handle it when my relatives in their 50's and 60's start dying.

I'm not seeking any solutions or anything, but this has been bearing down on me lately and I feel like I need to get it out there.

Good parents like yours understand that the best thanks you can give them is to grow up happy, independent, and making the most of the opportunities they have helped to create for you.

Do see them whenever you can. Videocall and message them when you can't. Try not to let the negative intrusive thoughts encroach on a good relationship.

Im going to be a fucking wreck when my mom dies. I wont be able to be strong for the rest of my family in any shape, fashion, or form. Im her firstborn. I dont like to imagine life without her. Im glad that I married someone that she adores because that gives her peace of mind as a mother. She knows Ill have my person when she passes.

Fuck, Im tearing up a little.

Just over the past couple years I've noticed my parents starting to "look old" and it's been giving me a lot of similar thoughts TC.

They're both in their 70s now so it's like a small constant fear always in the back of my mind

2.5 years since my dad

That + other shit going on, I'm at least a little more prepared for my mom. We've confronted that reality other times before already. Outside of, say, murder, I can accept her passing.

...just need to make sure she gets rid of all her shit from the house and sort any inheritance if it exists.