Current Events > Is it normal to be frustrated when your partner is like this?

(+) Yeah! (+)

So I've been with this person for 6 years, and it has been somewhat like this:

1) Always wants to pick the restaurant, but never agrees to a place I want to go to.

2) Couldn't take her to a concert if she doesn't like the group, even if I pay for it

3) Any activity is based on what she wants to do. She wouldn't want to do things outside of her comfort zone.

4) I have a passion about a certain activity. No matter how hard I push her, she never says yes. It's something that could only take 10 minutes. It's literally not a loss of her time. "I want to do this now, that, I have to make dinner early".

It's fine to not like everything what the other one likes, but couldn't a partner at least give something a shot once? Am I right for being pissed off about this?

Sounds normal, if she's not interested in your interests I'm not sure the relationship is worth keeping

yea, it's more than normal.

it's one thing not to share in your partner's interest(s), but it's another for them to not even take the effort.

it's really inconsiderate.

You don't have to do everything together. Share the things you both enjoy, do the things you like individually separately.

Its potentially narcissism, and perfectly normal to be frustrated by it.

And I have to say, it rarely ever gets better. If thats how it is now, chances are thats how its going to be forever. Its up to you if you want to put up with it for any length of time.

A relationship is supposed to be about give and take, but from what youre saying, it sounds like youre doing all the giving while she calls all the shots. Its not even about liking the same things. its about respect and effort. A good partner should at least be ath very least, willing, to step outside their comfort zone for the person they love, even if its just to show they care. Not everytime obviously, but damn, at least some times, there should be a compromise.

Honestly, Id call that shit out... maybe not aggressively, but just straight-up: Hey, I feel like my interests and choices dont matter to you, and its starting to get to me. If shes completely unwilling to compromise or even ACKNOWLEDGE that this is an issue, thats a big red flag. Six years is a long time, but if this is how its been the whole time and nothing changes, ask yourself: How many more years do you want to keep going like this? The rest of your life?

HighSeraph posted...

Sounds normal, if she's not interested in your interests I'm not sure the relationship is worth keeping

I dont know, I have been married for 25 years to the woman of my dreams, and we have VERY different interests. I love sports and video games. She is into art and crafting. We share a few things like books and music, but our taste in both are wildly different.

I think the key is: we may not share interests, but we support each other. She went to the local craft fair on Saturday and I went too. Not because I like crafts, but I wanted to hang with her and talk to her about it later. My wife dislikes baseball, but has been with me to SO many games over the years. Because she wanted time with me, no matter what we are doing.

We also give each other space to do what we like with no judgement. My wife may not like games, but she bought my last two consoles because she knew it would make me happy. I may not care about art, but you can bet I keep buying the museum membership each year because I know she does.

I would not presume to tell TC what to do about a relationship, but it is the lack of compromise and give and take that concerns me. It is feasible to have different hobbies. But if one person gets their way every time, or if there is no support for hobbies just because of the joy it brings you, it could signal a problem.

Gurifisu posted...

A relationship is supposed to be about give and take, but from what youre saying, it sounds like youre doing all the giving while she calls all the shots. Its not even about liking the same things. its about respect and effort. A good partner should at least be ath very least, willing, to step outside their comfort zone for the person they love, even if its just to show they care. Not everytime obviously, but damn, at least some times, there should be a compromise.

Honestly, Id call that shit out... maybe not aggressively, but just straight-up: Hey, I feel like my interests and choices dont matter to you, and its starting to get to me. If shes completely unwilling to compromise or even ACKNOWLEDGE that this is an issue, thats a big red flag. Six years is a long time, but if this is how its been the whole time and nothing changes, ask yourself: How many more years do you want to keep going like this? The rest of your life?

Dang, I wish I had seen this before I posted. You said it better than I did!

Westernwolf4 posted...

I dont know, I have been married for 25 years to the woman of my dreams, and we have VERY different interests.

There's a difference between having different interests and showing complete disdain for your partner's interests.

HighSeraph posted...

There's a difference between having different interests and showing complete disdain for your partner's interests.

I know. That was the point of my post.

It's normal, but whether the relationship can't work or not because of that is really up to you. My husband and I eventually just accepted that we like different shit and we do the things we enjoy either on our own or with other people.

Yeah, that's bullshit. If she won't ever do stuff you want to do, then just go do it alone, or with your buddies. That's not ideal, but at least you still get to do/see things that you want.
If that upsets her, then let her know that you prefer she comes along, but it's her choice to decline, (in which case she doesn't get to act like you're doing something wrong), and your right to do the things that you enjoy doing.

Yeah thats frustrating. I dont have any problem going alone to things she doesnt want to.

six years is p long. You should talk to her about how you feel. I dont think its worth sticking together if you cant tell her how you feel

others have said what needs to be said, however- going to a concert for a band i don't like would be out the question for me, too

Westernwolf4 posted...

I dont know, I have been married for 25 years to the woman of my dreams, and we have VERY different interests. I love sports and video games. She is into art and crafting. We share a few things like books and music, but our taste in both are wildly different.

I think the key is: we may not share interests, but we support each other. She went to the local craft fair on Saturday and I went too. Not because I like crafts, but I wanted to hang with her and talk to her about it later. My wife dislikes baseball, but has been with me to SO many games over the years. Because she wanted time with me, no matter what we are doing.

We also give each other space to do what we like with no judgement. My wife may not like games, but she bought my last two consoles because she knew it would make me happy. I may not care about art, but you can bet I keep buying the museum membership each year because I know she does.

I would not presume to tell TC what to do about a relationship, but it is the lack of compromise and give and take that concerns me. It is feasible to have different hobbies. But if one person gets their way every time, or if there is no support for hobbies just because of the joy it brings you, it could signal a problem.

Aww, thats so cute and awesome. Good for yall for putting that energy into the world.

I think thats the number one thing Id look for in a partner.. a partner that actively encourages me to try the things theyre doing. That is curious to see how the image of me trying to do so plays out and vice versa

Having different interests is no problem in itself.

What matters is negotiating a way to deal with that in a way that satisfies both of you. It might be making an effort to share, it may be just accepting that there are some things you enjoy by yourself (!). Depends on the relationship and your personalities.

But yes, Westernwolf4 has hit the nail on the head. As he tends to do.

6 years of this? I canned my last relationship for these exact reasons but it only took 3 months

KanWan posted...

Aww, thats so cute and awesome. Good for yall for putting that energy into the world.

I think thats the number one thing Id look for in a partner.. a partner that actively encourages me to try the things theyre doing. That is curious to see how the image of me trying to do so plays out and vice versa

Thanks to you and ai123 so much for the kind words. I got very lucky to meet someone as supportive and awesome as my wife so early in life. She taught me a lot about being a good partner just by example (or, in my case, trying to be a good partner.). I was in a number of relationships before then where I felt judged for how I spent my free time, or where we only did things together when it aligned precisely with her mood and interests. That never worked out well.

And I think your second paragraph is right on the money!

That sounds so annoying. But honestly, #2 is fair lol. I dont like concerts much to begin with, even if its a performer I like. But I would definitely not want to deal with all of that for a group Im not even a fan of

I wouldn't want to go to a concert if I am not interested in the bands that would be playing. That could be a great time for you to go with your friends and for her to find another activity to do/ chill at home.

As for everything else, I would maybe ask why she isn't super willing to move away from her comfort zone. The important thing here is to not make this seem like an attack. "I have noticed that we rarely go to the restaurants I suggest. Do you not like that kind of food?"

What is that activity you are passionate about? Not everyone is going to be into everything you are into. Have you talked to her about this passion and why you like it? If she understands why you are interested, she might be more willing to try.

It kinda seems like this hasn't been addressed and has built up a lot of resentment over time.

i wouldnt expect anybody to go to a concert of somebody they dont like lol. go with people that like the music
i feel you on the other ones though if its ALL the time. wouldnt call it "pissed off". just frustrating