I went to church this morning. Not because I believe or anything, but because I was really...really hungover and needed a miracle. I went there are started praying for it to go away as a last ditch effort
Right before the service was about to begin a guy who looked like he was in his mid 20's sat down beside of me. He was wearing a laughably cheap suit, a fedora, and smelled like he had not bathed in weeks. It was kinda embarrassing to be seen next to him, but I did not think much of it other than that.
Halfway through the service they were doing what is known as a "children's sermon", where the kids get told some simple Jesus story so their parents can get a break for two minutes. I wasn't paying attention, but the pastor (who was a female) said something like "When Jesus walked on the water, it showed how great he is compared to us. Humans could never walk on water!"
All of a sudden, the guy next to me go up and spoke. He said "I believe you are ignoring the fact that the humans did not need to walk on water as they had built a boat. Humans figured out a way to travel over water in an efficient and safe manner. They had no need for such magic tricks, they had their own intelligence."
He pointed to the pastor. "You...don't you know anything about your religion? Women are not to teach or even speak. And yet you do both, you hypocritical b****!" The congregation gasped. He laughed at them and said "All of you are fools. God is dead. Science has crushed religion, and you people are just to ignorant and uneducated to realize this."
I finally felt the urge to say something. "It is you who is the fool here. You speak with such certainty, but you cannot prove that God does not exist with 100% confidence." He chuckled and retorted with "Idiot! You've fallen for my trap! If there was an invisible teapot that orbited Richard Dawkins that was able but unwilling to stop evil, would it make a sound?" I fell silent, unable to respond.
He then pulled out a gun and pointed it at a young girl, who had to have been no older than three. "If God exists, then surely he will stop this bullet from killing this girl." We watched in horror as he pulled the trigger and shot the girl in the head at point blank range, killing her instantly.
He then looked back at me and said, "Your God has been disproven before your own eyes, theist." I smirked and said, "That's funny.....last I checked I was atheist!" He gasped in amazement. I took advantage of his momentary state of shock and put him in a full nelson. More people came to help fully subdue him. The entire time he was screaming Christopher Hitchens' quotes and was yelling out the URL for reddit's atheism site. The police came and took him away, kicking and screaming the entire time.
I turned around to see the entire congregation applauding me for my heroics. Everyone immediately broke into spontaneous hymn singing, and every single person there accepted Christ as their savior.
How was your morning, Board 8?
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no more mr. nice sess....hello mr. nice watch!
somebody call the brinks truck! I INVENTED POSTING