My dad has left a colossal mess at the house (I think he became a hoarder, may he rest in peace) but we finally made it livable, sans like, two rooms
in the past week, I helped my mother move in. She no longer has to rent a house
and these past two or three days, I helped my older brother move in.
I'm probably gonna move into the house myself at the end of THIS month.
so I want to thank you guys once again for everything you've helped me with, with not only money, but with support. and not even immediate support, just simply posting here has helped me. So thank you everybody
and I just kinda want to get something off of my chest or whatever
I've finally made peace with my father passing. well, its been a month or two since I have
I mean, sure, I miss him of course. and if I think about it too much, I start getting sad or even begin crying, which I know I'm not supposed to do (that is, I know I shouldn't think about how he died instead of how he lived) and I think I only get really sad because its the emotions that are accompanied with those memories of 4 months ago. not necessarily because I am immediately sad right now.
but I've come to a realization
this is kinda weird, and I'm not sure how to explain it, but like
I think I'm more sad because I feel SORRY for him. I wouldn't say pity, but like....ughh
how to say
I feel bad for my father because his life had to end.
He can't do anything he enjoyed anymore. He can't laugh, he can't draw, he can't play music anymore.
He can't do anything
and that makes ME sad. I'm not sure if theres an after life, I'd like to believe there is, but the fact that his life wilted away before he knew it, before his time, makes me feel its tragic.
I'm fine, I'm okay with everything thats happened. and you guys helped me so much
but like I said, its just something I wanted to share. cause I kinda find it odd. I miss him, hes no longer here, but most of my sadness is from me feeling sorry for him that he no longer has this life anymore
do you guys know what I'm trying to say?
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