LogFAQs > #973688777

Jeff_AKA_Snoopy posted...

Thanks for all the positive vibes guys.

Saskatchewan is a no go, our appeal was denied. So it means we will pursue out of province to BC. Some decent news on that front is that we will plan to go down to Vancouver on a Friday in June to do the second assessment, and assuming they give it a yes, they can do the procedure on the Sunday. The creamation service said they could complete their process and basically all they need is my payment and then urn and ashes would be mailed to me.

So near the end of June this process will likely be completed. Fills me with so many emotions when I think about it. I am both fearful and nervous but also like, ready for my wife to finally get what she wants and be able to move on with the next part of my life.

I still struggle with feelings of self loathing about even admitting to those feelings. Like I'm a bad person for being ready to move on and not be a care giver to a slowly dying wife. I am just one person and as strong as I know I am, even I will eventually hit a point where I just cannot be the care giver that my wife deserves. I am more fearful of that then the passing of my wife.

Like, if they decide my wife doesn't get MAID in June, I don't know how much longer I can keep up with being the amazing care giver I have been. How long can I do this effectively?

Youre an inspiration. Youre going to feel whatever youre going to feel. There is no rule book. The fact youve kept it together this long is a tribute to your character. When you need help dont be afraid to reach out. There is no shame in that. Yes youre wife is going through hell but so are you. I can only speak of personal experience but when I had a relative who was in hospital on end of life care for a few months its mentally exhausting and those feelings you mention are completely normal. Its weird. When you see someone you love going through this I felt the grieving process started before they were even gone. For me every time I saw my family member it was like going through that pain every time. There will be a sadness if youre wife does go but there will also be a certain weight lifted as well. Speaking to friends and family this is also natural and not something to beat yourself up over if the time comes.