Current Events > a serious dilemma (heavy stuff inside)

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My heavily disabled friend told me yesterday she's been being abused by one of her caretakers sexually. They had sort of entered a relationship, but he has been abusing her verbally and sexually. The worst part happened 1.5 months ago (not sure what topics gamefaqs allows me to discuss, but I'll just say it was violent and there are still bloodstains in her mattress). She has also since learned that he has been doing the same with other women. I told her to go to a hospital and change her locks. She changed the locks today but wasn't able to get to a hospital (she'll do it tomorrow, she said)

She won't report him because she's afraid she'll get in trouble for continuing to hire him as a caretaker even after the abuse. But more than that, she is still held back by her feelings for him. She acknowledges that he's abusive and awful to her, and that she should break up with him, but she also tells me she still has love for him.

I've tried to help her and give her advice. But despite her telling me she agrees she should end it with him, she still hasn't broken up. And she also has called him multiple times since yesterday. And from the sound of things, he's coming over tonight to see her, and she keeps calling me. She said she thinks she's just going to let him over and she'll be okay for tonight. (So changing the locks will have been for nothing if he gets the new key...)

No matter what I say, I feel like I can't convince her. She keeps calling me but I don't know how else I can help her, and it keeps weighing on me. I feel like this abuser is taking advantage of her physical disability and her navet, and destroying her like a cancer, and I can't stop her from letting him do it
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have you thought of reporting him yourself?

it might hurt your relationship with your friend, but it could also end up helping her or someone else.
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Do the right thing and report him

She'll hate you for it though
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There's not much to do that you aren't already doing. You listened and told her she needs to report him or at least stop seeing him. You can't force her and you reporting him doesn't do anything since you didn't witness anything.
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I've been considering reporting him. But so far she hasn't told me his name. IDK if she will. If I can find out who it is, would I just call 911 and tell them the details?
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Call the cops and let them figure it out.

You don't have to call 911 unless you feel shes in immediate danger. You can call the non-emergency line, talk to the operator a bit and they will connect you with the right person.
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Perfectinsanity posted...

Call the cops and let them figure it out.

You don't have to call 911 unless you feel shes in immediate danger. You can call the non-emergency line, talk to the operator a bit and they will connect you with the right person.

This.
He'll have a detective or two paying him a visit, for sure. Maybe, once they talk with your friend, she will choose to make a statement or press charges.
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Get a ski mask and beat the shit out of him.
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PepsiWithCoke posted...

Get a ski mask and beat the shit out of him.

while i'm with ya on that idea but gotta think on a legal standpoint. if TC goes into that house and does that he could face assault charges, attempted murder charges.

in the legal way. he needs to contact some support from police services to report a caregiver is abusing someone. maybe that fucker will get sentenced to prison if tried in a court of law i hate elder abuse.
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PepsiWithCoke posted...

Get a ski mask and beat the shit out of him.

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Did you or she do anything?
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If this is happening to other people reporting him can save other lives
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Wetterdew posted...

she's afraid she'll get in trouble for continuing to hire him as a caretaker even after the abuse.

She won't. She needs to report the bastard. I imagine it's against policy for him to even enter a consensual relationship with someone he's giving care to. It's completely unethical.
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awesome999 posted...

Do the right thing and report him

She'll hate you for it though

This. It's wrong to not report someone like this. He could end up abusing other people.
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Yikes. I'm sorry about this

is that guy good looking?
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If I were you I would worry that by comforting her I might be enabling her to continue without taking action. The situation is building steam and you're the valve she's currently going to to vent it. But once vented it's like the situation isn't as urgent right then, so it's easier to just let things slide until the next time.

As others have said, if you take action on your own she may hate you for it, but maybe it would be the right thing to do.
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Don't t think he will.
That's why he's ignoring his topic.
Pretty sad and frustrating
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Report him. If you know any information, whether it be the company he works for, anything at all -- report him. He's not just doing this to your friend, he is doing this to others.
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How many people is he caretaking? Because if its multiple people you can honestly write an "anonymous" letter and have it affiliated with someone other then her.
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Yazarogi posted...

How many people is he caretaking? Because if its multiple people you can honestly write an "anonymous" letter and have it affiliated with someone other then her.

Would be better to not even mention any patient, just that it's happening.
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LordRazziel posted...

Don't t think he will.
That's why he's ignoring his topic.
Pretty sad and frustrating

She has been stonewalling me and won't give me any more details about his identity because she suspects I'm going to report him if I find out who it is, and she's still afraid of that. I still don't even know his name. The only identifiable detail I have about him is that he's autistic, which she learned when she spoke with his mother.

AFAIK, he doesn't work for a caretaker company, because she didn't go through any government programs to find him. She literally finds her caretakers online herself using craigslist. I've told her that's a bad idea but she says the official means of finding caretakers is always ineffective.

(That's how I met her originally--I was looking for a roommate on craigslist. When I got there, I found out she was offering free boarding in exchange for being a caretaker. I refused, but stayed friends.)

Because she hasn't been using the official means for hiring caretakers, that's the main reason I think she's so worried she will be in trouble for reporting him.

Basically IDK his name or how to convince her to tell me his name.
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That sucks.
What state are you in?
Most require licensing.
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