Current Events > Probably going to regret this post, but I'm hoping for some relationship advice

(+) Yeah! (+)

Been with my girlfriend for 3 years now. I graduated college in May and we both moved back home with our parents in August. Thankfully, we live pretty close to each other so we get to see each other everyday. I have a job in my field, but its pretty shitty and I'm looking for other something better. We really want to move in together but I keep telling her we need to wait until I get a better job.

Yesterday, we looked at an apartment together. It was nice, but like I said I wasn't going to make a move until my job improved. She calls me and says that she will pay for the apartment and I can move in when I get a job. Move in is December. I told her I don't think its a good idea and that its risky. Despite this, she still pays the down payment. I'm mad as hell, its very nice that she's willing to bet on me getting a better job soon and eat the cash if I don't, but I think its a stupid decision. I don't know what to do. I love her, but I'm really upset that she did this

What kind of job are you looking for?

What kind of job does she have?

Do you have any estimate of the cost of living difference?
Edit: I might have misread this part, I guess you aren't necessarily moving towns.
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So is the problem she did this without you or what?
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Have you talked about long term relationship goals?

I proposed on our three year anniversary so if its pretty much a safe bet you guys are long term then dont sweat it.
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BuckVanHammer posted...

So is the problem she did this without you or what?

This. You make it sound like she can already afford it with or without you.
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Seems like you may not understand the concept of a relationship. She seems like a keeper!! :)

Basically, what I'm getting at: Both partners will be there for one another. She is willing to do whatever it takes to see you guys grow as a couple - even if your job situation isn't ideal yet. She will take care of it, and if the roles ever become reversed at some point in the future, she will expect the same from you.

Don't feel emasculated. Feel honored. You're working ...it's not like you're sitting on your ass, either. Go along with her on this adventure.
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One person unilaterally making decisions for both of you isnt a sign of a healthy relationship
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the reality here is that this apartment she just signed the lease for is HER apartment, in the sense that she's paying for it now & it aligns with her goals (whereas your short term goal is to find better work, her immediate one seems to be to move out of her parents' place) . it is cool that she is willing to make the sacrifice to let you stay in this place with her, you just have to also make sure it's what YOU want as well.

i think they key is to sit down & really think about the long term with this relationship. if you see this going further to something like marriage, then what she is doing is an act of love & something you can appreciate, she is pushing you to make positive changes in your life. if you feel like she is moving into a direction that you are not comfortable with yet (and that is FINE to feel that way), then i think it is time to really be open & honest with each other about the relationship and what you want to get out of it.

key is to make sure that you are on the same page, because the amount that people change within the first couple years after graduation is pretty massive, and nothing could have prepared me for it.
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Sounds like you two have some communication issues. Talk to her. Figure out what your real concerns are and tell her about it, she can't read your mind.

Is it because it is a bad financial decision? Is it because she didn't listen to you? Is it because you actually don't want to move in?
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she can cover the costs herself right?

so whats the big whoop?
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Ok, should have been more clear in the opening post. She can afford it, but money will be tight. She also has student loans coming up and car payments. I just thinks its a really risky situation that I don't want to be apart of. I also don't like that I told her I didn't like the idea and she went and did it anyway. This is going to be our first apartment together, its a decision we should both make together

And TC was never heard of again.
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Veggeta X posted...

And TC was never heard of again.

You sure about that?
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Veggeta X posted...

And TC was never heard of again.

I'm right here.

Bro but you get to have sex every night.
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LooksLikeDarko posted...

Ok, should have been more clear in the opening post. She can afford it, but money will be tight. She also has student loans coming up and car payments. I just thinks its a really risky situation that I don't want to be apart of. I also don't like that I told her I didn't like the idea and she went and did it anyway. This is going to be our first apartment together, its a decision we should both make together

my post still stands, this decision she made is for her and her current goals. it's a selfish decision but there is nothing inherently bad about that b/c we all need to take care of our selves, esp as recent grads when you're trying to figure out how the rest of your lives will work out.

now it's your turn to make a decision for your self and your goals, is it worth being a part of this or not?
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Romulox28 posted...

LooksLikeDarko posted...

Ok, should have been more clear in the opening post. She can afford it, but money will be tight. She also has student loans coming up and car payments. I just thinks its a really risky situation that I don't want to be apart of. I also don't like that I told her I didn't like the idea and she went and did it anyway. This is going to be our first apartment together, its a decision we should both make together

my post still stands, this decision she made is for her and her current goals. it's a selfish decision but there is nothing inherently bad about that b/c we all need to take care of our selves, esp as recent grads when you're trying to figure out how the rest of your lives will work out.

now it's your turn to make a decision for your self and your goals, is it worth being a part of this or not?

She made a decision that I was against. Do you not think this is something I should be a part of? Seems like a major decision she made without considering my opinion. I understand that its a really nice gesture but its also a risky and in my opinion stupid move.

Remind me how thats a nice gesture? She didnt do it for you. She did it for herself
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LooksLikeDarko posted...

She made a decision that I was against. Do you not think this is something I should be a part of? Seems like a major decision she made without considering my opinion. I understand that its a really nice gesture but its also a risky and in my opinion stupid move.

Why is it a decision you necessarily should be a part of? How much different is this to you than if she just got herself an apartment?

Because I read this as "I'm getting an apartment. You can join me in my apartment if you like".
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LooksLikeDarko posted...

Romulox28 posted...

LooksLikeDarko posted...

Ok, should have been more clear in the opening post. She can afford it, but money will be tight. She also has student loans coming up and car payments. I just thinks its a really risky situation that I don't want to be apart of. I also don't like that I told her I didn't like the idea and she went and did it anyway. This is going to be our first apartment together, its a decision we should both make together

my post still stands, this decision she made is for her and her current goals. it's a selfish decision but there is nothing inherently bad about that b/c we all need to take care of our selves, esp as recent grads when you're trying to figure out how the rest of your lives will work out.

now it's your turn to make a decision for your self and your goals, is it worth being a part of this or not?

She made a decision that I was against. Do you not think this is something I should be a part of? Seems like a major decision she made without considering my opinion. I understand that its a really nice gesture but its also a risky and in my opinion stupid move.

what im getting at is that she made a choice for herself, based on her desires and what she thinks is best for her (even if it is a poor financial decision). so your choice is either to go for the ride and deal with the decisions she made, or have the hard convo and re-evaluate.
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Alpha218 posted...

Remind me how thats a nice gesture? She didnt do it for you. She did it for herself

She wants to live with me so badly she's willing to pay for an apartment for us to live in despite my financial/job situation. That's pretty nice.

Anteaterking posted...

LooksLikeDarko posted...

She made a decision that I was against. Do you not think this is something I should be a part of? Seems like a major decision she made without considering my opinion. I understand that its a really nice gesture but its also a risky and in my opinion stupid move.

Why is it a decision you necessarily should be a part of? How much different is this to you than if she just got herself an apartment?

Because I read this as "I'm getting an apartment. You can join me in my apartment if you like".

Its not that though. She expects me to join her when I don't feel like its a good decision financially.

What's the problem? Can she afford the rent on her own? So she just decided to get an apartment on her own and said you can move in when you're ready....I'm not seeing the issue...
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VipaGTS posted...

What's the problem? Can she afford the rent on her own? So she just decided to get an apartment on her own and said you can move in when you're ready....I'm not seeing the issue...

A. She made a big decision without considering my input
B. If something happens to her car or she has medical issues or something, she's fucked. She has enough money to pay for it assuming nothing bad happens. I think she made a hasty and irresponsible decision

You go along with this ride, and if it works out, she's gonna remember this for a long time.

and if this somehow fails, she will know it was her fault. This is win win for you.
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LooksLikeDarko posted...

VipaGTS posted...

What's the problem? Can she afford the rent on her own? So she just decided to get an apartment on her own and said you can move in when you're ready....I'm not seeing the issue...

A. She made a big decision without considering my input
B. If something happens to her car or she has medical issues or something, she's fucked. She has enough money to pay for it assuming nothing bad happens. I think she made a hasty and irresponsible decision

why did she have to consider your input, though? you two aren't married. She got an apartment for herself that she can afford. she didn't give you an ultimatum. she just said when you feel like you're ready you're welcome into her apartment. i think you're overreacting...
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tbh you should date anime girls instead it's way better and they never make these rash decisions without onii-chan's permission.
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VipaGTS posted...

LooksLikeDarko posted...

VipaGTS posted...

What's the problem? Can she afford the rent on her own? So she just decided to get an apartment on her own and said you can move in when you're ready....I'm not seeing the issue...

A. She made a big decision without considering my input
B. If something happens to her car or she has medical issues or something, she's fucked. She has enough money to pay for it assuming nothing bad happens. I think she made a hasty and irresponsible decision

why did she have to consider your input, though? you two aren't married. She got an apartment for herself that she can afford. she didn't give you an ultimatum. she just said when you feel like you're ready you're welcome into her apartment. i think you're overreacting...

Pretty much

Y'all aren't married or engaged. She made a financial decision for herself. It sounds like in your opinion it was probably a bad decision, and THAT I would agree is something that you should at least consider going forward because that type of behavior is likely to continue. However at the end of the day she's entitled to do that. Like someone else said, this is her apartment and it's in her name and she really doesn't need your input.
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CE has given great advice here

The onus is on you TC to accept it
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teepan95 posted...

CE has given great advice here

The onus is on you TC to accept it

I'm actually pretty shocked at the quality of the responses. Went way beyond my expectations to be honest.