Board 8 > My grandmother passed away today.

(+) Yeah! (+)

It was the day before her 100th birthday. It's strange how, at the end, we all rallied around something so meaningless and arbitrary to distract ourselves from how helpless we were to stave off the inevitable. In her last year, we were barred from seeing her except through windows thanks to the absolutely monstrous one-size-fits-all policy at nursing homes that saw inordinate amount of restrictions against visitors in comparison to the lackadaisical policies for staff, which resulted in an outbreak in her care home at the beginning of the year. She had fought off corona weeks ago, but in Dallas, power outages swept through last week, and her nursing home wasn't spared. Even as dementia slowly took her from us, she persevered and remained a sweet, gentle soul who loved everyone around her. The indignity of dementia didn't prevent her from dealing with a broken hip and a stroke in the last three years. Her husband of 65 years died four years ago. In that moment, it was like she finally had permission to start failing.

I'm just sitting here now, alone, after getting home, and I can't stop crying because this was a woman who has been part of my entire life. One of the rare constants in the world; she was the matriarch of our family up until her early 90s, and I just wonder how the world can even deign to go on without such a sure foundation as the one I found in her.

I realize just how awful I am - for the past few days, as her condition has worsened, I've tried to get worked up about it. In my mind, I rationalized my failure as a result of the long goodbye that accompanies both Alzheimer's and dementia. But I think the truth is that when you see that still face, that horrible, horrible still face of death, that's when you realize that you can release the stranglehold on hope that you realize you've been clinging to for days, weeks, years on end. If only medical science could provide a cure, you think to yourself. There's always a chance it happens tomorrow, you hope.

The miracle that I hoped for never materialized. But I'd like to think that every moment I had with my grandmother was meaningful to her, in the end. My thoughts keep turning back to her, if I lived a life worthy of her legacy so far. If she died proud of me. This was a woman who went to college during World War II. She spent her life supporting Christian ministries around the world and worked at a womens-only college in Pennsylvania for her entire career. She firmly believed in tithing to the church and, in addition to that, sending a further 10% of her money to charity. She gave her retirement to Meals on Wheels, and she scrimped and saved to put her daughter through college on top of everything else.

She saved her buttons for Kennedy and McGovern in old cardboard boxes alongside my grandfather's service memorabilia from World War II. She treasured books about the Royal Family in Britain and was fascinated with history her entire life. Even in dementia, she marveled at picture books of the castles of Europe. She taught my mother to play the piano, and she had a four foot long stuffed bunny rabbit that belonged to my mother for fifty years that she still kept good care of. Even until last year, she could carefully primp and smooth its pink bow. She would say, when a younger Scarlet would ask her why she did it, that "he wouldn't like looking unpresentable when guests came to town."

In a cruel twist of coincidence, it suddenly has started storming while I write this. As if, maybe, God is real for a moment and taking her away on a thunderous chariot driven by lightning horses. And I'd like to think there was truth to that because right now, I just want to sit here and rekindle her memory and this is the only way I know how.

She was my grandmother. And she's gone.

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my condolences.

I'm always in discord if you need someone to talk to

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I appreciate it, Karo. I'll admit that I've withdrawn mostly from the Board 8 discord in general, as of late. I post once and a while, but I've never really felt like I fit in there.

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I'm glad you're working through this, and thank you for sharing. You called yourself awful- don't feel guilt about how your body is processing this death and loss.

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I think it's very clear that she was a wonderful woman who loves you, and it's clear you love her too.

I'm sorry for how tough this has been on you and your family.

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Man, I'm so sorry scar, especially in the wake of how these last weeks have been. I know this process has been awful on you and your family and I cant imagine the impact this passing has had on you. But we all love you, and you know how to find me if you need to vent about it

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I'm sorry to hear that. She sounds incredible. I hope you pull through okay.

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Sorry man

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She sounds amazing. I hope you and your family can pull through this tough time. Feel free to message me on Discord if you want to talk.

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I'm sorry for your loss. We were fortunate that my grandmother has moved in with my parents, I could easily see something going poorly otherwise.

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My heart goes out to you Scarlet. I know all too recently how tough and emotional it is to experience something like this. Stay strong and keep thinking of your wonderful, happy memories together.

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Im so sorry, Scarlet. This was heartbreaking to read. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me.

I appreciate all of the kind words, everyone. I'm still reeling from last night, but your kindness is very much appreciated.

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So sorry to hear that :(

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I'm so sorry, scar. She sounds like a wonderful woman. I'm here if you need anything.

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My sincerest condolences for your loss. It sounds like you were very close to her before the diseases of the mind took hold, and still pretty close even after. I'm sure she was proud of you.
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I'm sorry for your loss, she sounds like an amazing person.

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=( Im so sorry dude
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I don't know if my voice came through last night, but I am so sorry for your loss, Scar.

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Sorry for your loss, scarlet. Eloquent words

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Deepest condolences, Scar. Hope you know you've got a friend in me if you ever want to talk - I'm always around.

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Your grandmother sound like an incredible person. Sorry for your loss.
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Thank you one and all. It feels so surreal to me that I'm sitting here on her 100th birthday and it's the first day without her in the world.

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my sincere condolences

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I'm sorry for your loss.

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My condolences, scarlet.

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I'm so sorry for your loss

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