Poll of the Day > It's been 3 years since I talked to my parents

(+) Yeah! (+)

My mental health has 100% improved since I cut my parents out of my life.

Ask me anything

I'll be your dad

It's been almost 9 years since I talked to my dad, but that's for very different reasons.

adjl posted...

It's been almost 9 years since I talked to my dad, but that's for very different reasons.

Did he pass away?

Its been about a few days since I talked to my mom. And maybe a couple weeks forms dad Usually, I talk to my mom everyday. And my dad when I get a chance. I will have to call soon since I may have to help him Skype his niece for her baby shower thing

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


After the first 6 months almost never. My dad tried to call me last Christmas but he was blocked. The first Christmas they sent my brother over with a huge bag of gifts but I declined them and he said they're sitting in a closet at his house.

Oh, so were just using PotD to brag about how awesome our lives are now, huh?

PK_Spam posted...

Oh, so were just using PotD to brag about how awesome our lives are now, huh?

Yes. My life has improved a ton since I cut them off. I recommend you do it with your mother who I don't want to get modded for describing accurately.

PK_Spam posted...

Oh, so were just using PotD to brag about how awesome our lives are now, huh?

That sounds like an oxymoron. Or a paradox.

Sad.

AltOmega2 posted...

Sad.

Yeah it really is. I wished they change but they never will.

why, if you dont mind me asking?

Ferroseed posted...

why, if you dont mind me asking?

Because my mother is a mentally ill narcissist and my dad is a captive disabled enabler.

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/2/1/3/AAAgaZAAEq4V.jpg

This is disgusting btw

Well If they so happen to suddenly die, hope you don't feel too bad...I didn't see my Dad for 3 years as well (spoken for 2) before he passed on...

But hey ppl have their own way of dealing with estranged relationships so wish you the best

Jen0125 posted...

My mental health has 100% improved since I cut my parents out of my life.

Ask me anything

what happened to cause the falling out with your parents? which do you like more your mom or dad?

Jen0125 posted...

Yeah it really is. I wished they change but they never will.

Never try to change your parents.
Simply honor them while you still can.

pionear posted...

Well If they so happen to suddenly die, hope you don't feel too bad...I didn't see my Dad for 3 years as well (spoken for 2) before he passed on...

But hey ppl have their own way of dealing with estranged relationships so wish you the best

Why should I feel bad if they suddenly die?

DoubleOSnake posted...

what happened to cause the falling out with your parents? which do you like more your mom or dad?

My mom did something to me publicly on Facebook for attention from her friends that was really the straw that broke the camels back. What caused it was a lifetime of family abuse and then a complete lack of remorse or acknowledgement of any responsibility from my parents. I don't need that in my life.

AltOmega2 posted...

Never try to change your parents.
Simply honor them while you still can.

What have they done to deserve honoring? Could you explain?

is narcissism genetic

potdnewb posted...

is narcissism genetic

I'm sure you could Google that and find out really quickly.

Days like today I am tempted to do the same

VampireCoyote posted...

Days like today I am tempted to do the same

Aw, I'm sorry. It's a difficult thing to deal with. I hope you can figure out some way to get your peace in that arena.

all of my siblings cut off contact with our dad like a decade ago, and theyre much happier now.

It took a lot of time for me to get to a place where I could forgive him, but even then were not on great terms

MrMelodramatic posted...

all of my siblings cut off contact with our dad like a decade ago, and theyre much happier now.

It took a lot of time for me to get to a place where I could forgive him, but even then were not on great terms

I'm glad you found something that worked for you. I hope you can protect your own peace.

Jen0125 posted...

Why should I feel bad if they suddenly die?

Because they might start to 'haunt' you if you believe in those kinda things

potdnewb posted...

is narcissism genetic

Now Kirby, you know weve asked you not to post here

pionear posted...

Because they might start to 'haunt' you if you believe in those kinda things

Lmao my mom would haunt me even if we had a good relationship.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


I mean if anyone should feel bad it's them? You literally died without ever trying to actually be a better person to have a relationship with your kid. That's messed up.

Jen0125 posted...

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/2/1/3/AAAgaZAAEq4V.jpg

This is disgusting btw

Better than snow

Zangulus posted...

People with more... normal, families have this idea that you have to be on good terms with someone when they die or youll regret it.

My POV has always been that respect is earned, not innate. It doesn't matter if you're a parent, a family member, a teacher, or some other authority figure - if you act like a shit, you deserve to be treated like a shit.

The fact that you managed to fuck a baby into existence and not accidentally kill it for a the first few years does not entitle you to a lifetime of obedience or respect. Earn it by being a good person, or accept the consequences.

I've basically disowned nearly the entirety of my mother's side of the family (Not my mom herself, though - I always had an awesome relationship with my parents. Part of why I hate the rest of them so much is because of how they've always treated her like trash). Plenty of them have died over the years and I haven't given a single damn (and in some cases, I've pretty much celebrated when it happened). I've never once regretted the break or felt sad afterwards because things were left unreconciled. Treating them like they don't exist has brought nothing but joy into my life.

No one should feel guilty about cutting toxic or destructive influences out of their lives, nor made to feel guilty for it. Plenty of people would be way better off never speaking to or interacting with their parents again. But society has thousands of years worth of filial obligation hardwired into it because people don't like the idea of being left to fend for themselves when they get old, so there's a vested interest in coercing kids into feeling responsible for their parents forever.

I'm sorry that you feel that way about your mom. My mom has been gone(passed away)for over 4 years now. Miss her everyday but I can take comfort in the fact of knowing where she's at. She's in a better place.

I wish I could do that to my parents, but I just can't get financially independent from them. I can't find a decent-paying job and everything is too expensive. It doesn't help that I have health issues and can't physically handle many things.

My parents love me and I talk to them every day
It fucking sucks dude

Jen0125 posted...

My mental health has 100% improved since I cut my parents out of my life.

Ask me anything

I'm proud of you, I've cut my dad out of my life (he dissapeared for years after ruining his life to alchohol, and his mind is just not there anymore, plus he always was a a massive bigot.) and I wish I could cut out my mom (My brain has never really worked very well, and she takes care of me, but she's also dating someone who thinks that all transfolk are groomers. In other words, she's literally sleeping with the enemy. Thank god she doesn't live with me.)

Jen0125 posted...

My mental health has 100% improved since I cut my parents out of my life.

Ask me anything

I'm proud of you as well. I had parents who, while alive, only valued my brothers b/c they were male (males were their big thing); so had to cut myself off from them as much as possible without cutting off my female siblings. Didn't miss my dad as much as my mom when she died because my daughter and I had visited her room at the nursing home via zoom hours before her death (eight to ten hours before in actuality).

MabinogiFan posted...

Did he pass away?

Yep. Giant stroke out of nowhere. It was a fun time.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


I think that boils down to the fact that they've never really experienced any truly irreconcilable divide between them and a family member. Any problems they've had have been fixable, so if they had a family member die before fixing them, they would see that as a failure and regret it. Those that have fallen out with family after years of abuse and/or fundamental incompatibilities, however, can't realistically fix those issues (at least, not without prioritizing that fix over their own mental or even physical well-being), so not doing so isn't something they should regret. An impending death can be a good time to take a step back and ask if there might actually be a road to reconciliation, just to make sure you haven't just been stubbornly closing yourself off to the possibility and to rule out the potential to realize that after the fact and not be able to do anything about it, but if the final answer you land on is "it would be bad for me to try to fix our relationship," that's all you need.

ParanoidObsessive posted...

My POV has always been that respect is earned, not innate.

I'd flip that around a bit to better communicate the point you're making: Respect is innate, but it can be lost. "Respect is earned" in a context like this always calls to mind the image of some trust fund executive talking down to his employees by conflating respect for somebody's accomplishments with basic respect for them as a person (translating roughly to "Unless you impress me I'm going to treat you like dirt"), and that's just a horrible attitude to have. Basic respect for people should be the default across the board, but nobody's obligated to keep providing it if you're being a dink.

There's also a substantial difference between "I have basic respect for you as a person" and "I want to interact with you on a regular basis," which again falls into the issue of how vague "respect" is in the phrase "respect is earned." Wanting to interact is definitely earned, simply by making that interaction enjoyable. That's where a lot of people get caught up when family comes into the issue, since there's this idea that everyone is obligated to spend time with their family just because they're family. In practice, if spending time with family isn't enjoyable, there's really no point in doing so. In most cases, spending time with family will be enjoyable, by virtue of the simple fact that when people spend 18+ formative years together they tend to end up with reasonably compatible personalities, but that doesn't mean those bridges can't be burned, and a lot of people with "normal" families don't necessarily get that because the idea is so alien to them.

Still waiting to see like why they deserve honor or why I should feel regret from the people who asked.

@AltOmega2 @pionear

even if they were a bad example they did raise you to be an almost functional person

adjl posted...

I'd flip that around a bit to better communicate the point you're making: Respect is innate, but it can be lost.

Nah. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.

Respect has to be earned. It's not something you start out with and then lose by negative actions. It's something you have to build up over time via positive actions. It's something you have to show yourself worthy of. It's being treated as being better than the baseline because you have shown yourself to be better than the baseline.

Politeness can be innate. Tolerance can be innate. Tactfulness can be innate. Not being an asshole can be innate. You don't have to prove yourself to be a superior being to earn basic human decency. It's not saying that we should all treat everyone else like shit until they prove themselves worthy of being treated better. But respect is more than that.

Arguably it's a difference in what definition of the word "respect" you're using. Some people may use the word to essentially mean "not being an asshole to someone", but that's not really what it's supposed to mean. Respect is "an attitude of consideration or high regard", "good opinion, honor, or admiration" or even "good will; favor". It's a state above and beyond just simple politeness. It's showing extra deference to someone based on their accomplishments or attitude. It's saying "this is someone worthy of praise".

I'm polite to strangers. I can even be friendly to strangers. But respect is something you earn, not something you are given. No one owes you respect.

Parents, teachers, and other authority figures who "demand respect" aren't asking to be treated like neutral strangers. They're asking to be treated with a higher degree of regard. They're essentially saying that their opinions and demands are worth more because they're in a higher position. "Do what I say, I'm your parent." "You should listen to me, I'm your teacher." But parents and teachers can be assholes too.

Ironically, my father played a huge role in my becoming the antiauthoritarian shitstirrer that I am today (and I give him tons of respect for it). I don't "honor my father and mother" because society tells me I should, I do it because they were awesome people who sacrificed to try to give me a better life and who generally tried their best to be good people whenever they could. They earned my respect.

But I have friends whose parents were abusive alcoholics, teachers who took advantage of tenure to be absolute wastes of space, petty bureaucrats in positions of authority who abuse their power for kicks - and those are the types of people I refuse to respect. Because their roles do not obligate me to overlook their failings.

potdnewb posted...

even if they were a bad example they did raise you to be an almost functional person

No they didn't. I did that for myself.

Yeah I needed years of therapy to learn how to undo what they did so I could function "normally" and be actually successful.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


When I finally decided I was tired of it all I went to rehab. So I did 28 days live in treatment, 6 months not working and doing two sessions of group therapy and 2-3 sessions of solo therapy a week and then 6-7 more months of weekly solo therapy while I went back to work. I was extremely lucky to have a job that paid me while I was out so I could literally reset my life.

Jen0125 posted...

No they didn't. I did that for myself.

I hear ya. My dad, well like I said. My mom always made me feel like I was in the wrong every time I stood up for myself long into my adulthood.

You're so lucky you can take care of yourself.

EchoBaz posted...

I hear ya. My dad, well like I said. My mom always made me feel like I was in the wrong every time I stood up for myself long into my adulthood.

You're so lucky you can take care of yourself.

Yeah I am very privileged in a lot of ways. And lucky. I know a lot of ND people with abusive parents and siblings that could never get away like I did and help themselves. It's really a difficult place to be in and I feel a lot of empathy for those people.