Board 8 > Board 8, evaluate this sample of my writing please

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RevolverSaro
09/23/11 9:03:00 PM
#1:


Chapter 1
The Night of the Fire

Nighttime had long since fallen when two men came upon a cliff overlooking a tiny village nestled in Backbone of Zaria. The town was not on any of their maps, no matter how many times they looked. This was not unusual though. Coal mining towns were booming as demand continued to increase with the growing demands for such resources. The Silberdorn mountains had proven to be a bountiful mother, and miners had come in droves to strike it big. The only indication of which town was now sprawled before them was a sign they had passed a while ago that read Dinvale 2 miles.
Despite the sky being pitch-black, the men could make out many features even from this distance, thanks in large part to the lamps lighting the town. That in of itself was depressing, for it was apparent that the lamps were gas-powered, meaning the town was inhabited by bumpkins too poor to play catch-up and make the jump to steam power. In any case, they could tell the town was small and unimpressive, housing no more than one hundred families. A large wall surrounded the town, and two gates could be detected: One on the north part of town, and another on the east section. It was impossible to enter the town from the south or west, as town abruptly ended upon meeting the side of the mountain, which the two travellers concluded, was were the entrance to the mine was. In spite of any personal misgivings regarding the primitive nature of the township , neither traveller much cared. They just wanted beds to sleep in. Five days bumbling over a fairly difficult mountain range is enough to make any man desperate for base comforts.
It was currently two weeks into autumn, and at that height in the mountains, that could mean snow at any moment. Already the weather was showing signs of turning sour; for the last two days had been characterized by dark grey skies. It had not yet rain, yet earlier that afternoon the skies had even cleared up completely; a hopeful sign. Tonight the air was crisp, and dry. It was cold enough that the two companions tightly drew their thick cloaks about them, but they were not in agony as they had been the night before.
After spending a brief moment discussing the best route to reach the town, they turned their backs to the cliff and approached their Jerichos, motorcycle-like vehicles that hovered a few feet off the ground when active. Like most of the other technology that had been developed in the last fifty or so years, the Jericho was dependant upon its steam engine for propulsion. While it lacked the bells and whistles that the newer Zimermann models possessed, it was still reliable. In any case, it was rare to see anyone driving around in AutoCarriage. Most of the roads in the country were as of yet unpaved. Either way, the vehicles themselves remained a luxury item for the rich whom lived in the big cities such as the Capital of Haupsteim or Ebené in the east. For long distance travel, most people still preferred to take the train.

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CharCustomZaku
09/23/11 9:03:00 PM
#2:


The train. That had been a source of conflict between the two wanderers for some days now. And it was still a source of conflict on this particular night, as they rode along quietly, heading slowly down a trail that twisted northward, winding towards the Dinvale’s east gate. Eventually this age-old debate boiled up once again. “You know, if we had taken the train like I had suggested, then we would have arrived in Bregoth two days ago,” said the man who rode closest to the cliff face. His name was Zack Luffein, and he was the older of the two, though not by much. Both were in their late teens.
Bryan let loose a resigned sigh. “Great, here we go again,” he mumbled. He had quite given up on this topic, long ago. In fact, at this point, he even sort of agreed with his comrade. However, he did not often get to leave the capital, and when he did, he was the type to see as much of the world as he could before he had to report for duty again.
“I just never saw the point of this... this excursion,” Zack stated. “If only we had taken the train, we’d have the rest of this week and all of next to unwind before having to report to duty. Instead, we’re going to be lucky if we get there at all. This is going to be the death of us.”
As soon as he finished saying that, there was a loud explosion that shook the entire valley. And then another shortly after. Before long, explosions were going off in clusters. Soon, the entire town was engulfed in flames, lighting up the night sky as if it were midday. Zack and Bryan looked on in horror. After a brief moment they exchanged a knowing look. Exhausted as they were, they had work to do.

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RandomLoSeR1234
09/23/11 9:20:00 PM
#3:


10/10 would read again

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Emporer_Kazbar
09/23/11 9:31:00 PM
#4:


T'ain't bad.

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Ayuyu
09/23/11 9:40:00 PM
#5:


Pretty good. Noticed that you repeated the word '' town '' a lot though.

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CharCustomZaku
09/23/11 10:19:00 PM
#6:


Thanks for the heads up. You were definitely right about that. I highlighted all useages and it was pretty bad how many came up. I'll try to find some synonyms.

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