But I think I'm getting better.
I was at a theater festival all of last week (which I kinda fell backwards into, but that's just my luck) with the theater department of the college I go to, which I'm not normally a part of (I've shown up for a few auditions and an occasional backstage hand, but that's all), so most of the people I didn't really know aside from passing, though I was the acting partner of someone who left the school last year... OK, this is all beside the point. I didn't know most of these people is what I'm saying.
But I met a girl. Actually, kind of re-met her, I had met her a year or so ago, but that was just a conversation about whatever the hell it's called when humans become robots to live forever with her and her future boyfriend/current ex. I actually talked to her and got to know her, and we hit it off. We're very similar, both very politically active, smart, nerdy, we have fun conversations, and during a drunken game of Truth or Dare with the whole group (small group, like 10 people), someone asked if I was attracted to anyone in said group, and I said her name. I guess she liked me too, because she told a couple people about it (who both told me to go for it), and after waiting until the week was closer to ending (because I have a terrible fear of rejection and if she had said "no", I would have sulked the entire rest of the time, and that's no fun), we were sitting in a theater waiting for a show, she was making a "to do" list, and I added "Date w/*my name*?" to it, and she said "I'll have to pencil you in" and I had asked for her number the night before and sent her a text (but not sure if she got it?) so I said we'd be in touch, and we just hung out with the other people for the rest of the night.
As I was in the parking lot at the school (we had a few hour drive back, both of us drove our own cars, so I didn't talk to her again), with one of the other girls on the trip (aforementioned acting partner), I had made mention that I had asked this girl out (we had talked about it prior in the week while we were waiting for something), and she said something along the lines of "that's good" but then followed that up with talking about this girl not liking to say no to people, before she realized what she was saying and was all "Oh, I'm not saying that's what she did, but she does do that", and then dropped something along the lines of "She said that she liked talking with you and that you got along really well and that you both have a lot in common, but she didn't get the feeling she wants to have when she wants to date someone", which was like "oh". So I haven't talked to this girl since.
I see her on Facebook a lot, and I have to fight the temptation to message her, because she's kinda independent, and told (me? the group? can't remember) that her last boyfriend was kinda clingy, so I don't want to seem like that (even though I totally ****ing am), so I've decided that if I don't hear from her before my class ends on Wednesday, I'll give her a call and ask her again, but my brain keeps ****ing spinning all of these thoughts like "she doesn't actually like you, you were just present and nice" or "you'll go out once and she'll avoid you" and like I said, I have a crippling fear of rejection so this is weighing heavy on my mind. On the bright side, if this was the me from right after high school, or even a year ago, I probably would have messaged her the next day (last talked on Saturday, asked her out Friday), so I know I'm getting better, or more control over my crazy side, even though my every thought is preoccupied with this girl and I can't stop thinking about her.
I just needed to type that out. I'm seeing a therapist a week from Friday, but that's not soon enough.
tl;dr: See the title. Met a girl, asked the girl out, she likes me (I guess?), I'm crazy and my brain works too fast.