Board 8 > The Gauntlet Crew Ranks Sports Movies: Results Topic

(+) Yeah! (+)

I'll guess girlfight
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I'll go with Tin Cup.
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I'm going with Wimbledon.
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Just an update from the world of Momviso: she thinks we all suck and are stupid for hating Blades of Glory.
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My parents were disappointed that For Love of the Game and The Natural weren't on the list.
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No Raging Bull wait what
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35. Girlfight (174)

Snake - 7
JONA - 20
Scarlet - 20
Red - 26
Wickle - 29
Inviso - 36
Karo - 36

Snake - A very important film in nearly all aspects; Rodriguez’s performance here is powerful and nuanced, and launched probably a million female boxers because of it. Her natural athleticsm adds a whole new layer to the film, providing beautiful scenes of boxing rarely portrayed this well. It’s much more about boxing too, with a deep undercurrent of machoism and self-reliance driving this film.

JONA - Michelle Rodriguez's character and dilemma are compelling and the movie is just solid.

Scarlet - The always-watchable Michelle Rodriguez plays herself in this middling story about beating up Jane Cena. Really just a vehicle for people to admire the sheer badassery of Rodriguez.

Film MVP: Michelle Rodriguez
Rating: 65/100

Red - Just about every sports girl movie in this list follows this formula. Girl wants to play sports, family disapproves, random conflict with boy. This checks all the marks though it at least keeps most of the characterize mildly interesting. This at least changes the formula slightly by letting the girl fight with the guys. But even that is only slightly more interesting than other movies here.

Wickle - I mentioned on another movie about disliking one actress because of being a single dimension actress, and here we have Michelle Rodriguez, who I think is the one who came out like "I know I play one role, and I don't give a fuck. I like the role, I'd rather do this than show off my talent as an actress." and I have a little respect for that actress for that. I couldn't find proof it was this one, but whatever, I'll stop wasting time. This movie would have been good, but fuck the romance storyline. No goddamn point of it existing, it literally provided nothing to the story, she would have had the perfect motivation with everything else. Would have rather had a family storyline and maybe yeah. But really, detach the entire romance plotline from the movie and it's just... still the same fucking movie. Undeveloped trash.

Inviso - I found this movie boring. I found Michelle Rodriguez’s acting to be wooden. They REALLY should’ve trimmed this shit down. Like, the best friend character? She’s hardly relevant for the back half of the movie. Get rid of that shit. Get rid of the little brother. He only exists to explain how she’s able to pay for her boxing lessons. And then with all the superfluous shit, the fights themselves felt lazy and poorly choreographed. It just felt like a complete waste of my time.

Karo - As the title suggests this is about a girl who wants to be a boxer. The girl in question is an argumentative juvenile delinquent who has a constant chip on her shoulder regarding gender roles in the world, and attempts to strike a blow for woman's lib by punching out anyone who annoys her in the slightest, including her schoolmates and father.

She steals money and lies to everyone in order to take lessons on how to beat people up better, and treats her few friends like shit because they dare pay attention to someone else other than her. You and your little girl power crusade are not the center of the fucking universe, okay?

Fast forward to when she ends up in a possible boxing match with her boyfriend, who expresses understandable reluctance towards the idea of punching the girl he loves in the face repeatedly. She then threatens him into competing in the match, which he loses, along with probably losing any shot at being a pro boxer. But it's all right because she now has his 'respect' and feminism wins the day.

Yeah no. Respect has to be earned not demanded, you stupid little c***.
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Outlier Stats:

*Red - 18
****Scarlet - 21
*Inviso - 24
**JONA - 31
Karo - 49
Wickle - 55
Snake - 92

And that's all it takes. One off ranking from Scarlet (and JONA, who once again have matching rankings), and Red takes the outlier lead. Meanwhile, I move up into third place, right on Scarlet's heels. Though there's still a wide array from first to sixth, it looks a LITTLE more balanced now. And then...you have Snake. This is gonna be a rouuuuuuuuugh ranking for Snake, it seems. >_>
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Hint for #34:

34. The sport in question is won via time trials rather than the scoring of points. For sticklers, yes I'm aware that some of the time trial movies end up decided by a point for their placement in a given race, but the end goal is still to win a race or at least outpace your competitors. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, DAMMIT!
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Probably that launch PS3 game.
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i guess turbo the snail
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I remember watching Girlfight last year and was really taken with it. Solid movie.
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Alright, up next we have our first tiebreaker, so I'll try to get both movies posted today.
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34. Seabiscuit (173)

Red - 11
Wickle - 22
JONA - 23
Scarlet - 24
Karo - 27
Inviso - 32
Snake - 34

Red - This movie is long and starts at a very slow pace. When you actually get Seabiscuit in the movie and you get the horse and jockey bond going, the movie is a lot more compelling. Its just a rather long process to get to that point. Before then, the film is a bunch of nobodies, and its a lot of character building that maybe wasn't all that necessary. You learn that jockeys are jerks and the main character has a crappy life, but the movie shoves that down your throat a millimeter at a time until you are finally allowed to breathe and swallow. Its a perfectly good movie after that, it just takes way too long to get to that point.

Wickle - So someone tell me what happened to Red's parents. I didn't really recognize characters later on and couldn't figure out why he suddenly freaked out about the fact that they never called. Music was pretty dull here, characters were dull... Guess that's what happens around the prohibition era. Everyone forgets how to have a personality. And horse racing is the same as Nascar, if you don't have the intent to enjoy it, you're not going to enjoy it.

JONA - While the characters are likable and easy to get behind, the movie can make overcoming the odds kinda boring.

Scarlet - Even though sometimes it airbrushes the heavier material in order to maintain the Hollywood illusion of an inspiring story, Seabiscuit does present a compelling underdog narrative. However, it is too self-important and feels far too static while painted against a backdrop of dynamic changes in its setting era. Also Elizabeth Banks has the meanest face in cinema history. Just unpleasant.

Film MVP: William H. Macy
Rating: 63/100

Karo - The tale of an undersized and underappreciated race horse who takes down a triple crown winner.

Things could have benefited greatly from the runtime being much, much shorter. It is literally 45 minutes into the film before we even actually see the fucking horse the movie is named after, and it drags on for another 40 minutes after the big race with everyone going around with broken legs.

It could have been a great movie had it actually been about Seabiscuit, rather than focusing on all these boring people and randomly becoming a documentary about the great depression.

Inviso - This wasn’t a BAD movie. It’s just extraordinarily long for a story that wasn’t THAT amazing. Yes, everyone involved was an underdog, but the fact that the big “victory” happens around the hour fifty mark and there’s still half an hour left dealing with the jockey AND Seabiscuit dealing with broken legs? I GET that it’s based on a true story…but holy shit…shorten the fucking movie, guys. Yeah, the story itself is interesting enough, but the pacing is so terrible. When you have your big villain defeated with half an hour left…it’s just one long anti-climax, even if an injury is involved. Meh.

Snake - Pretty boring if I’m being honest, I recognize the solid filmmaking but it isn’t for me.
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Outlier Stats:

*Inviso - 26
****Scarlet - 31
*Red - 41
**JONA - 42
Karo - 56
Wickle - 67
*Snake - 92

I'm back to the top spot again! Yup, after a couple relatively big hits in a row (compared to smaller hits for me), I've overtaken Scarlet. Meanwhile, JONA and Red are neck and neck for third place. *gasp!* JONA is in the bottom half of the outlier rankings! Also the top half, but shush. Meanwhile, we have a goddamn MIRACLE in that Snake gets a spot-on ranking and manages to stop the bleeding on his horrendous outlier score.
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Hint for #33:

33. Came out before the year 2000.
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That's a little surprising.
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cautiously optimistic at that hint?
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33. Tin Cup (173)

Wickle - 13
Karo - 15
Red - 17
Scarlet - 23
Inviso - 33
JONA - 36
Snake - 36

Wickle - Made a hole in one... on the 12 try. Worth it. Outside of that... I both like and dislike Roy, he's kind of a scumbag and that's exactly why he's both sides of the coin. He screamed envy throughout the first portion of the movie, and ultimately told a truth the girl got to see once and then fled the scene to screw the envious bastard. It's like... Sure, it's because I'm an anthropologist so see this crap coming... but how do you really not see when someone has a complete shitty personality from the start? There are those that are entertaining in their asshole ways, see: Roy McAvoy, Alan Shore, The Illusive Man, Scarletspeed7, etc, and there are people who are just douches. I do like that it wasn't made to be a success story, but I don't like how he was like feeling guilt after throwing when... he purposefully threw for the sake of proving he could make it.

Karo - The story of a small town golfing range instructor who tries to get into the US Open because he needs to constantly measure his dick against the golf pro boyfriend of the girl he likes.

He does miraculously manage to make the Open where he proceeds to piss away his chance at greatness because he is a fucking idiot who needs to make a 'cool' shot so his penis will get hard. He is rewarded for his stupidity by getting the girl and living happily ever after.

Red - Dude throws away his promising golf career by being a stubborn idiot, presumably goes back to living in dump. Theres a big lack of fulfilment in this movie, the main character essentially throwing his life away at the end by refusing to play the game properly. He starts as a stubborn guy that is less of a jerk than jerk guy, ends as a stubborn guy that is less of a jerk than jerk guy. The movie tries to end with some message that everyone will remember him for making a shot. No, if they remember it, they'd remember him being an idiot.

Scarlet - The original Happy Gilmore in many ways, Costner has a certain irresistible gleam of gallantry hidden under his air of stubborn mulishness. While certainly no grand exploration of the human condition, the film is charming and spontaneous and ultimately succeeds in the unimaginably impossible task of making golf seem entertaining.

Film MVP: Kevin Costner
Rating: 63/100

Inviso - I didn’t much care for this one. I mean, the last thirty minutes, sure. That’s when you get to standard “underdog hero makes an unexpected comeback to beat the smug villain” territory for a sports movie. But Tin Cup himself was just…very unlikable as a character. Very selfish and self-centered, and it felt like far too often he actively treated his friends and loved ones like shit, and he barely suffered any consequences for it. I get that the ending was supposed to be a big flashy display, but he just comes across as the biggest asshole imaginable for playing the way he did. He learned nothing and felt like he hadn’t grown as a character. Just made me feel unpleasant.

JONA - Kevin Costner's character is an asshole.

Snake - Of all the Costner movies on the list, this is by far the weakest. Where something like Caddyshack can make you forget about the boringness of golf by being uproariously hilarious, Tin Cup reminds us that yes, golf is incredibly dry and so are derivative rom-coms starring washed up actors.
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Outlier Stats:

**Inviso - 26
****Scarlet - 41
**JONA - 45
*Red - 57
Karo - 74
Wickle - 87
*Snake - 95

Another spot-on for me to maintain my lead, while JONA overtakes Red in the battle for third place. Not much other action to pique one's interest from this particular ranking though. The bottom of the list is still solidly at the bottom and the middle is mostly just swapping spots around.
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Hint for #32:

32. In contrast to 33, this movie is from 2000 or later.
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Hopefully a comedy.
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Guess Wimbledon for this one.
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I would be a little surprised if Wimbledon went out.
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It wont be Wimbledon.

We've been guessing Talladega for so long i am just going to srop guessing it. Guessing Beckham.

snakes going for the complete romcom genocide isnt he
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I'll guess Talladega then.
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I'm in full support of moving up Wickle's list to right after JONA's.
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PrinceKaro posted...

snakes going for the complete romcom genocide isnt he

Yes I need this to happen!
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Still need to see Wimbledon.

I own it, but it's not really my type of movie I don't think. I just really like Paul Bettany
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32. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (170)

Inviso - 7
Karo - 10
JONA - 26
Red - 29
Snake - 29
Wickle - 34
Scarlet - 35

Inviso - I love Will Ferrell. The man is just about incapable to disappointing me from a comedic standpoint. And the fact that this whole movie is just a long string of redneck stereotypes and developmentally stunted characters bouncing off each other with like, NO serious grounding point is just great. Every character brings something unique in their comedic character creation, and better yet, there are TWO child actors in this film and they’re two of the funniest members of the cast. Yeah, the racing is kinda dull…but it’s NASCAR. It’s fucking dull. Still a funny-ass movie.

Karo - A humorous satire of southern redneck NASCAR culture.

Ricky Bobby is this dumbass overmacho numbskull on wheels and he is NASCAR's top driver. A challenge to his dominance comes in the form of an effeminate gay frenchman who is just as big of an exaggerated stereotype as Ricky is.

Some of the jokes are overmilked to the point of them not being funny anymore, but there is never a shortage of laughs throughout the whole runtime.

JONA - The beginning of the movie is where the movie is at its funniest but sometime after Will Ferrell stops racing, it's just not as funny as the beginning.

Red - I tried my best to ignore commenting on the product placement in all of these movies. Its pretty bad everywhere, I could spend every movies writeup talking about its terrible product placement if I wanted to. Sports movies are terrible about product placement. But this movie...this is literally product placement: The movie. Look, I get it, product placement is a big part of nascar, play it up, its fine. But when you throw in a literal applebees commercial and make me watch it in its entirety, you know you've gone up the deep end. Play it up for comedic effect, fine, shove it down my throat like that and you can go to hell. The movie is a decently funny representation of what NASCAR is(And NASCAR is finally starting to die for being terrible), but its also a pretty bad movie at the same time.

Snake - A Ferrell comedy, he’s not my favorite actor but he actually gets the job done here. NASCAR is one of the most deserving sports of a parody takedown. I think his carefree doofus humor actually kind of works here.

Wickle - I'm just gonna tell all y'all to fuck off and go read the Blades of Glory write-up. Fuck Will Ferrell.

Scarlet - Despite a strangely impressive performance by Sasha Baron Cohen, Talladega Nights is everything you’ve ever seen in a mediocre Will Ferrell film mixed with every simple redneck NASCAR joke you’ve ever heard, but shouted loudly so Will Ferrell can claim it’s funnier that way.

Film MVP: Sasha Baron Cohen
Rating: 38/100
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Outlier Stats:

****Scarlet - 44
**Inviso - 51
**JONA - 51
*Red - 60
Wickle - 89
Karo - 96
*Snake - 98

Scarlet retakes the lead as me and JONA tie it up for second place. Meanwhile, a big outlier for Karo plus back-to-back close calls for Snake put a bandage on the bleeding wound that is Snake's outlier. He and Karo have one round left before we hit the top thirty. Will either one avoid hitting 100 points on this next entry? Or Wickle too for that matter, as eleven points is still very doable?
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Hint for #31:

31. A comedy movie (or at the very least, a drama with a comedic tone.)
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Ah that hint kinda scares me.
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That hint still fits Beckham so I'm sticking with it.
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Snake5555555555 posted...

Ah that hint kinda scares me.

I just hope it's Inviso being safe with his wording.
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Talledega Nights is too low

It's dumb but it's always a good time

Fun fact: My church played the dinner prayer scene during a sermon one time
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31. Caddyshack (170)

Snake - 6
Red - 16
Karo - 23
Inviso - 28
Scarlet - 29
Wickle - 30
JONA - 38

Snake - This is the film all sports comedies should aspire to. Caddyshack is an hilariously farce, tearing down the normally calm game of golf with zippy one-liners and crass beauty. The film is pure madness, fuelled by behind-the-scenes partying and of course four of the biggest names in comedy at the time. The film is loose and may feel like it could go off the rails at any moment, but I love that. There isn’t really much of a central arc, most free-wheeling improvisation. They don’t really make them like this anymore.

Red - This is a movie that is absolutely all over the place. It can go from funny to insulting your intelligence to just plain boring depending on where it is choosing to be on the golf course. You have so many characters in and out of the plot that the movie can feel disjointed, entertaining you one moment and then making you want to watch something else at another. In a fitting fashion, the movie ends by blowing everything up. Probably one of the more memorable endings on this list.

Karo - This is about some rich country club where everyone is fucking nuts and goes around doing random silly things for the duration of the movie. It seems to lack any real story other than this one kid trying to get a scholarship and the golf course having a gopher infestation.

The actual laughs are few and far between, and most of the characters need to be pushed into the water hazard and held under until bubbles stop appearing.

Inviso - This one was funny enough, sure, and Rodney Dangerfield not giving a fuck was great. But I dunno, it just felt a little too unfocused to REALLY get invested in the way I was able to do with some more serious movies. Noonan’s a clear and obvious dick, but we’re supposed to be rooting for him, and yet people make some bizarre-ass decisions that ultimately bother me. Also, as fun as Bill Murray is in other films…wasn’t a huge fan of him in this one.

Scarlet - Despite its status as a cult classic for a generation of 50 year-olds who gab on the green about how one time they were at their local club when they caught a glimpse of Fozzy Zoeller, Caddyshack has aged about as well as you'd expect. The humor, enjoyable but trite at the time, lands softer than a parachutist in a canyon of down pillows, and even the normally brilliant Bill Murray feels base and elementary in this sophomoric National Lampoon level commercial for lawncare.

Film MVP: A fucking weasel
Rating: 53/100

Wickle - Well, characters are shit, the guy who seemed like the best character was as inconsistant as three Marvel writers trying to make a comic with Doctor Doom all at once. And we really had like three scenes of an animatronic gopher dancing to music. What, was it meant to be comic relief from the rest of the comic relief? Because shit, me needing to take a piss in the middle of the movie worked better as relief from this movie's attempt at comedy. Huh, guess I'm back to trash talking a movie and yet somehow placing it above a bunch of others. Maybe I'll praise some movies.

JONA - Just unfunny and has a forgettable cast, except for Rodney Dangerfield, who is just annoying.
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Outlier Stats:

****Scarlet - 46
**Inviso - 54
**JONA - 58
*Red - 75
Wickle - 90
Karo - 104
*Snake - 123

NNNNNNNNope, Karo and Snake couldn't avoid hitting the 100 mark. In fact, Snake takes yet ANOTHER hard hit, distancing him even further from the pack after he was so close to rising from the basement for once.
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Hint for #30:

30. It's early in the ranking, but someone loses their number one movie right here, right now.
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Fuck not Moneyball
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I can see this being mine.
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Holy shit, JONA's #1 was Moneyball too :(
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Inviso posted...

Hint for #30:

30. It's early in the ranking, but someone loses their number one movie right here, right now.

Right Here, Right Now was a song played in Any Given Sunday.
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Any Given Sunday is about a group of players who are paid money to play football.

Money... Ball.
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Wow, damn it. Not even the movie i was thinking of and it still hurt.
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It won't be Wickle's.
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Who's to say, Wickle?
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Anything can happen in the Gauntlet Crew Ranks Federation!
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With my luck so far it'll be mine.
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