Poll of the Day > Fuck this.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I want a party at my funeral, lots of balloons.

The vast youth of countries is usually sent off to die in a war. We're brought up with a flag in the classroom and learning about dead leaders. What to do with generations of people with empty goals and imagined borders?

The system of peace is hard to establish.
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Got a text from my friend Jess. There's not really any context except that we exchang tons of "existence is meaningless and my life is empty" memes and we pretend we're joking even though we know deep down life sucks.

"Staying with yourself when you're the last person you want to be with is major. Give yourself praise because you're doing it anyway."

I don't think I'm the last person I want to be with, but I do give props to anyone who has to be around me and doesn't actually want to be.
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Okay hey this is maybe a little weird but when you guys first started looking at/finding/exploring porn, did you do it alone? Back when I was really young, like maybe 7 or 8 me and my cousin (second cousin, actually) would have sleep overs almost every weekend. I remember sometimes we would stay up and my cousin would change to channel to late night HBO programming and we'd watch softcore cable porn on mute. No one ever knew, but maybe a year or so later he got into trouble with his parents for calling the Girls Gone Wild phone number never that you see in late night ads or something. Well anyway a few years after that, when I was about 11 or 12, my cousin and I had slightly drifted apart, but I had become way better friends with his little sister (also my (second) cousin). I mean you know how it is. When you're a kid little siblings annoy you but as you grow up they start becoming actual people and sometimes they end up being pretty cool people. Well anyhow like I was saying, my and this cousin started hanging out all the time. And so I don't quite remember how it happened but my family got internet service for the first time around this time, and I guess just by recklessly clicking on everything, we somehow wound up at an xxx website. It was like... really really weird though. The scenes were pretty hardcore, and some of them were totally outlandish (like a guy with seven penises doing different things with them). But these videos were alongside videos like people getting run over by cars, or being burned alive, and also next to videos that would have been perfect for funny home videos types of shows. Really weird site. Uh well anyway I think my cousin and I visited this website once or twice after we discovered it, and watched quite a bit of weiirrdddd stuff. I got queasy one time and told her we should stop and I think we did and that was that.

Me and that cousin eventually also kind of grew apart after a few years, but all three of us actually got back together this summer when I went home for the break, and we talked about this one night, and how that was all of our first experiences with online porn.

So well yeah that's the whole story I guess. I've never asked anyone else in real life how they first stumbled across things like this. On the internet I hear a lot about dirty magazines in the woods but I grew up in the desert so I don't think that trope existed for people that I knew. I also hear a lot of "found my dad's collection" kinds of stories on Reddit or whatever, but I've never heard that irl. It seems to me like in middle school no one knew what porn was but in high school everyone knew. Kinda strange.
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You ever think about how everyone has a worst day ever? Everyone will, at the completion of their life, have had a day that was just objectively the worst day they ever had. I wonder if you know it when it happens. I don't think so. Because at any point in your life you've had a worst day so far. Like maybe the worst day of my life hasn't happened yet, but I've had a worst day up to this point. I couldn't tell you what it was though. Maybe your worst day doesn't even feel bad when it happens but you did something that day that would mess up your whole life for years later on. Even kids have had a worst day. I wonder what the worst day of my life was when I was 5. Maybe something I couldn't even remember. But if I couldn't remember it, does it really count as the worst? Maybe the fact that my worst day isn't something I remember actually makes it the best day. Everyone has a best day, too, yknow? I can't remember the best day of my life so far either. So who's to say the best and worst day of my life didn't happen the same day? I mean realistically speaking I guess that doesn't happen very often but I don't think they have to be separate days. Like a baby that dies the same day it's born had the best and worst day of it's life on the same day. That's sad <_< I guess you probably have all kinds of superlative days in your lifetime. Most boring day. Day with the most time spent sleeping. Most talkative day. All kinds of days. All kinds. It's probably best not to focus on that kind of thing too much but I think about it every so often. Well, mostly the saddest day thing, not all the other stuff. I wonder if you can have the best day ever. Like, in all of human existence. I don't think you can, because that's not even something that can accurately recorded or measured. Like even trying to figure out the best day in even your own life is pretty tough. Comparing that day to all days ever experienced by mankind is silly. Plus a lot of us are dead so even if you could, you couldn't. If you could though, you could have like, a graph or something, and you'd be able to say "Sarah Cole had the worst day in all of existence on May 18, 2032. It's all better for literally everyone after that. No one but Sarah can complain that they're having the worst day ever."

On that note I'm going to have a beer then go to bed.
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Today is crap and I couldn't even tell you why. I mean I guess I could but it's stupid. Like stupider than my usual brand of stupid. Today is like ignore mrmelo day or something. None of the people I have streaks with on Snapchat have snapped me today. I've sent four texts and has not a single response. I called both my parents and neither one answered or has called me back. I haven't left home since Friday afternoon so I've spent 48 hours in my room, and I don't think I've said a single word for the last 22 of them. I feel so gross and I really just wish someone I knew would in some way interact with me. I know this is really not that big of a problem but I have huuuge codependency problems, and being alone makes my head go into reality weird places and I'm just about ready to... do something or another. Jesus Christ holy canoli peach tree pot stickers I'm going crazy.
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mr melo
<3

dioxxys posted...

mr melo
<3

<3


About an hour after my post I called my friend Cruise and he actually answered. He's in another country right now though, so he couldn't talk for very long because time zone differences and long distance calls. The girl I'm crushing on sent me a snap and asked how I was doing, but didn't ever reply again. My dad eventually called me back, but only to ask a question about his phone. Mom still hasn't called me. No one else has contacted me today. Even PotD seemed kind of dead today. Today sucked.
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In my whole life I've only licked the inside of two different people's noses
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ew

MrMelodramatic posted...

In my whole life I've only licked the inside of two different people's noses

Were these accidental, or is this actually something you've done deliberately and are not opposed to repeating in future circumstances that will likely be just as strange as the first two?

definitely deliberate. only one person has ever licked the inside of my nose, though. so yeah.
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MrMelodramatic posted...

only one person has ever licked the inside of my nose

If you don't mind saying, which did you prefer?

They were both pretty whatever, but I think I preferred being the licker.
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After only reading the last 4 posts of this topic, I don't know what's going on, but it's weird.
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MrMelodramatic posted...

They were both pretty whatever, but I think I preferred being the licker.

Would you say that your preference was mostly formed due to the taste and/or smell, or was it perhaps something more nuanced like the texture or feeling?

It was because I liked having my tongue in someone's nose more than having someone's nose in my tongue
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I know this sounds Eriky but m the gal I like is coming down to visit me this weekend :3 sorta, anyway. I think she has some school stuff to take care of, but she asked if she could crash here and said we should hang out and stuffff. I just bought some board games, too. I'm excited.


Also I promise to get back to the ranty stuff soon. I've been to busy with finals to be sad, but with finals over and still 24 days until school starts, I'm sure something will happen.
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MrMelodramatic posted...

The girl I'm crushing on sent me a snap and asked how I was doing, but didn't ever reply again

Lmfao
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lol she eventually got back to me. Kept that snapstreak going strong.
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yeet she's driving over tomorrow afternoon, we're watching Voltron, she's sleeping over, and then we're grabbing brunch before she leaves on Saturday (her parents don't know she's staying with me and they don't want her gone more than a day :<).
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damn son you're swimming in poon

pump one out for me :)
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Jeeez so I could really use a drink right now but I don't even know where I'd get one this early.
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MrMelodramatic posted...

Jeeez so I could really use a drink right now but I don't even know where I'd get one this early.

Do something more healthy for yourself

A good hard work out will leave you feeling way better
https://www.fastcompany.com/3025957/what-happens-to-our-brains-when-we-exercise-and-how-it-makes-us-happier

I mean yeah obviously exercising would be better than early drinking. But that's not how I'm living this life, yo. I'm doing the slow burn into uselessness until I die sorta thing.
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yknow, I actually think I'm over it :> crush begone.
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8/10 night.

She got into town and we watched anime and caught up for a few hours, then we went downtown and hit up some shops, we went with some other friends to a restaurant we were way underdressed for and shared an entree and dessert. After that we went out for some drinks, and then we drove a little ways out of town so we could stargaze. We laid down in the back seat of her car and just talked and talked and talked for like four hours. We drove to my apartment and went to sleep and now it's today!

And today we've got planned is watching Voltron and Disney movies.
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yeah so she ended up staying an extra night and just left a little while ago. We didn't do much else except watch anime and eat tacos.

All in all, it was fun, but kind of awkward. We're not the closest of friends, and we don't share too much in common; I think we just enjoy each other's company. Which is all good, except that both of us kind of suck at talking to people, so conversationally there are a lot of long, weird pauses. Still, it was all pretty fun. We played board games and stuff, we went for a late night walk through a nearby park, we had pancakes for breakfast. We made really lofty plans to go out to a lake and camp out in her car this September, but I don't think that'll actually happen.

I'm definitely feeling blue today but I couldn't even tell you all why. I just feel like a disappointment to everyone around me. Like my parents have expectation of me that I'm never going to meet. And I'm a quitter, you know? I fear responsibility and commitment to things that I might fail, so I back out of a lot of things or just don't try. Then i go on and feel mopey about feeling stuck, im literally just stupid. it's like i expect things to get better without actually wanting to try, and that's bs and i know it's bs but i don't ever change. I'm just static.

i was thinking about the starlight on friday night and how it's just to unfathomably old. that star burned like, thousands of years ago and shot out a really bright light, and it travelled a scary amount of miles until it hit my eye and i could see it. and then it was over. those particular photons or waves or whatever (idk science) travelled all that way and ended up on me. that seems kind of rad, but also kind of sad. i guess appreciating the starlight might make its existence a little bit more meaningful, but also, the star isn't really alive, you know? It doesn't really care if its light is observed. It's not trying to please anybody. But still. i like to think the light wasted on me is a little happier than the light that ended up being absorbed by the sand or whatever. sand can't appreciate starlight.

i also had that weird nostalgic feeling again. i don't know if i've mentioned it here before, and it doesn't really make any sense, but I've been getting these nostalgic feelings for things that are currently going on. and so we were there, lying down in the backseat of her car, looking at the stars through the open sunroof, and I started feeling like it was over and i wasn't getting it back. it felt like it was ten years later and i hadn't spoken to any of my friends in months or years and i was looking back at that moment and missing it, instead of it being right now and actually experiencing it right then. usually this feeling goes away kind of quickly and i just let it go, but this time it really lingered and i couldn't help but feel scared and sort of panicked. i didn't bring it up or anything, but i wish i could have had a hand on my shoulder, or a hug, or something to make that moment feel more "now" than "then". again, i know this probably doesn't make any sense. i'm bad at explaining myself.

this girl makes a lot of self-depreciation jokes. like, a lot. so do i, though. we have an inside joke where we touch our nose whenever we feel like useless losers who are tired of living. it's kind of stupid, but it's also kind of nice that someone else feels your pain. but also i wish she didn't feel that way. i wish i didn't feel that way but i wish no one else felt that way even more. i don't ever console her when she touches her nose or makes a harmful joke at her expense though. i just nod, or don't do anything. and she does the same towards me. i don't know if that's better or worse. i sorta hate it when i say something and people are like "oh don't say that! you're a great guy!" or whatever so i try not to do that when others make those sorts of comments.

uh that's it i guess. i have homework to do. this paragraph is here because I want a perfect 2048/2048 post. ok.
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Eggs

what happened to your main account, friendo?
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It got suspended for some reason or another
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aww :(
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MrMelodramatic posted...

it's also kind of nice that someone else feels your pain. but also i wish she didn't feel that way. i wish i didn't feel that way but i wish no one else felt that way even more

Uh-huh...
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KogaSteelfang posted...

Uh-huh...

It's true. If you've ever been like, just, really depressed, that's a sucky af feeling. like, awful. i wish people didn't have to go through it. i wish I didn't have to go through it, but it brings me down that others feel that way too. sometimes when I'm just walking to class or whatever it really brings me down that a pretty large chunk of the people walking by don't feel like being alive or whatever. i wish there was something i could do, but i can't even help myself, you know?

anyway, today started out pretty normal but i had a sort of mini-breakdown in my English class today... and then i had a full on anxiety attack and started crying on my professor's office during her office hours <_< i'll probably write up more about it in an hour or so. right now im gonna have dinner tho
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*sigh*
Nevermind...
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Noooo please explain
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I feel like I've accidentally opened a little girls diary while reading this topic. Still it helps pass time so eh.
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big man's diary. glad you're enjoying it.
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MrMelodramatic posted...

Noooo please explain

It's not worth it.
Sorry I ever brought it up again.
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(1/2)

okay so i guess this needs a little context. im taking an english class about women who wrote during the 18th century but were forgotten by time, and are kinda sorta just non-existent as far as mostly everyone cares. Like these ladies don't even have wikipedia pages and all the info on the web about them is behind paywalls and it's maybe a page or two in some big book that's not even really about them. so anyway we were reading some works by these kinds of people, but also everyone in the class was assigned a person, and we had to do some research on them and write some papers, make a presentation about them, etc etc.

also sort of important to this story is that 10% of the class grade is participation in the classroom discussions we have every day. I'm pretty shy and not that great at english so i don't ever say anything and so my participation grade was pretty bad. so i started going to my prof's office hours and talking to her about the stuff we were reading one-on-one and I think it really helped me out. i got a good participation grade, she knew i was doing the homework, and i think it just made my prof understand my personality and sense of humor better than she otherwise would've. like sometimes i'd be a dick on my exam essays but she knew i was was kidding and would comment things like "haha!" and stuff.

well anyway, today i had to give a presentation to the class about my author. i guess a running theme in this class is that a lot of women who wrote were involved in scandals and stuff, and usually ended up dying alone and poor with no one wanting anything from them. but my author was middle class (at least), fairly successful, traveled the world, owned a business. but her works dealt a lot with loneliness and general dissatisfaction and like i don't know for sure or anything, but even though she died happier than a lot of the other women, i think she still died pretty sadly. so yeah i was going to go up and say all that (better, of course) but then i dunno.

like, i guess it was a mix of general fear of public speaking, mixed with the fact i was giving my presentation right after a really good presentation, also mixed with the fact that i was just then realizing that like 80% of that class had no idea who i was or anything just gave me awful anxiety. and that anxiety lead to tons of word vomit. in the middle of it all, i just really started feeling bad for my author, and i started talking about how i related to her because loneliness is shitty (i said shit at least twice while i was up there) and i just started getting really flustered and emotional and i felt like crying but i also tried to hide it by making some jokes and pretending i was kidding but also i did a lot of weird crap like gave my gay star trek tumblrblog a plug. so yeah obvs i ended and thought "welp. there goes my A"

i went up to my prof's office afterwards to try and explain that i had a way better presentation planned but i just got overcome with anxiety and totally blew it but she was like "dude stop. your presentation was great. you knew about her life, her works, her themes, you contextualized it within the frame of this class, plus you were funny and had everyone's attention and made it relatable. I gave you an A on it. you should really stop being so hard on yourself because you're doing great in this class."

and man idk what to tell you guys. i just broke down. like i didn't start sobbing or anything, but i reealllly don't like compliments like that and my whole "I'm worthless" persona just came out and i just, like, ahhh. i kind of cried and just said that she should probably give me a lower grade because it wasn't fair that i wasn't participating but i was still getting a grade and that i was total trash up there and didn't deserve my grade and that i'm just like, an awful person for various reasons and that it probably didn't really matter in the long run because my final essay was going to be total crap
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(2/2)

and i felt like i didn't know what i was doing with it or why i was even doing anything and then i was thinking like "jesus christ what tf am i doing why am i saying these things this is not the right time or place or literally anything this is totally unprofessional of me"

so i tried explaining all of that to her and i think she saw i was freaking out and having a small anxiety attack so she was like "hey man it's okay. you're doing good. let me try and help your anxiety. send me a rough draft of your final paper and i can tell you if there are any big errors." and i was like "bro wtf no. that's not fair to literally anyone else" and she was like "i would do the same for anyone, but none of them come into office hours and ask for help." and so i took a few moments to breathe and stuff, and then i apologized for taking so much of her time and for just in general being terrible and packed up and left and oh boy that whole thing just completely spiraled out of control.

i sorta want to go in tomorrow and apologize for having a breakdown but i'm afraid i'll mess that up too <_< anyway i won't be sending her a rough draft or ever seeing her or anyone from that class ever again (today was the last day) so i guess it all just doesn't matter now anyway.
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I went to tell my prof that I was sorry I lost my cool yesterday and she said she didn't even notice so not to worry about it. She obviously noticed but it's chill of her to pretend that it was totally normal and pretty funny, if anything.
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ClaudiaSAirola posted...

You need antidepressants.

No seriously don't
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DirtBasedSoap posted...

ClaudiaSAirola posted...

You need antidepressants.

No seriously don't

y not?
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because then my whole schtick on this board will end.
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i really thought just blogging out my shit would help but im barely hanging in there you guys

i think im going to just give up and actually reach out for help <_< looking into student services now



From the form I have to fill out:

Describe your concerns and the way they interfere with both your personal life and your academic performance or your choice of a major/career.

good lord that's a big question. like, I can talk about that forever. how am I supposed to answer that.
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alrighty. well. Friday at 1 PM I have an appointment with the student counseling services. They were pretty available since it's summer, I guess.

I'll keep you guys updated, along with the usual updates.

@RCtheWSBC sorry for tagging you I just know that you've told me to go to student services for several months now (maybe even years) and I finally actually made an appointment so yeah thanks
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Fucking finally.

Best wishes to you.
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MrMelodramatic posted...

because then my whole schtick on this board will end.

Is it really a shtick if medication cures it, though?
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mastermix3000 posted...

DirtBasedSoap posted...

ClaudiaSAirola posted...

You need antidepressants.

No seriously don't

y not?

Antidepressants are mystery drugs. Science does not understand depression or how anti-depressants work; all we have is clinical data that says n% more people taking this drug recovered from depression compared to the placebo. Sometimes n% is only 1-2%. The "chemical imbalance" line perpetuated by the drug companies is a myth designed to lower people's resistance to taking the drugs, because if they told the truth--that science cannot tell the difference between a depressed brain and a normal brain, and no one quite knows how or why most of these drugs work--a lot of people would not take them. They have tons of side effects, some of them quite nasty, and they are usually difficult to stop, especially Cymbalta and Effexor. Attempting to withdraw from them can cause even worse depression than what you started with, which doctors will cite as proof you "need" the drug, when it's really the drug making you feel that way. There is data that the overwhelming majority of depression episodes resolve on their own without medication, and that you're more likely to stay depressed if you remain on an anti-depressant for long-term. These drugs also don't fix any of the underlying problems, and often work by numbing your emotions. That, the weight gain, and the sexual dysfunction has destroyed many a relationship and marriage. All of this said, there are certainly people who have benefited from these drugs and whose lives have been saved by them. But they are never a long-term solution and should never be taken by themselves without therapy.
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