Board 8 > I have a sad thing to talk about

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In February, my grandmother on my mom's side passed away - we'll refer to her as Granny, since that's what I always called her. And since I'm still kinda growing up, previous deaths haven't really hit me quite as hard. Both my grandfather on my mom's side and my grandmother on my dad's side passed away in 2011, but I was just about to turn 12 when that happened. I was really hurt then, but maybe I cried really hard only twice for each of them: once when I heard the news and once at their funerals. There's still moments where I'll get a bit sad and choked up thinking about them, especially when I sing this song I wrote about my grandfather, but I never start bawling my eyes out or anything. Obviously I knew the extent of what was going on by that age, but maybe I just didn't have the most connection to them. It's hard to really get to know your grandparents when you only see them every now and then, you're that young, and you aren't worrying about the time you have left with someone yet.

Granny's death, on the other hand, is still hurting far, far more than anything I have ever experienced before. I tried really hard during her funeral services not to cry, so I could stay strong for my mom and that side of the family, and I did a pretty damn good job of keeping my eyes dry for most of it. But the funeral ended, and my mom walked out of the funeral house and started talking to some other family. When I walked out a few minutes later, I saw my dad standing straight out in front of the doors. And so I went to go talk to him, and nothing but tears came out. I guess I just had to do it in front of someone who wasn't on my mom's side of the family. I tried to stop for a few minutes and I just couldn't. Cried right into his shoulder once, calmed down a bit tried to say I was okay, and then uncontrollably cried again. And I don't think that really stopped until I woke up the next morning. Obviously I calmed down eventually, but there was a few times that night where I just started tearing up and couldn't stop.

Tonight, when midnight hit, my mom said, "Happy new year, Mom." The first thing she thought about when it was midnight was Granny. And I didn't get emotional when she said it, but I am very emotional right now. I don't know exactly why it took an hour or two to hit me but it did. I miss her. Granny was a real role model to me because of how she carried herself. She was really short, thin, and frail for most of my conscious life, but she was always strong too. And she always looked very elegant, she was the sweetest woman I ever knew, and she had this undeniable dignity. Age very obviously took its toll on her physical condition a few times, but I never thought it was shaking her will until I knew it was finally gonna be her time to go. She ended up getting cancer and her body was too weak to survive treatment.

I've spent the last hour or so just crying and trying to deal with this. I think I understand everything fully now. There's no recovering from a loss like this. Any time that one of you has come on the board talking about the loss of a loved one, and you say that you're not okay and you won't be for a long time, I understand it now. I don't think I really knew how y'all felt before, but I have a very good idea of the grief now. Every time I start to think about Granny, I start shaking a bit and at the very least I tear up. If it gets really bad, I'm unable to stop my body from shaking horribly (this is sort of a nervous tick I have, sometimes it shows up with extreme sadness or a couple other emotions too), and I won't be able to speak hardly at all because of crying.

It will get easier to think about Granny and talk about her, and eventually maybe I can do it without crying. But it won't be soon, and the wound won't ever heal completely. I just can't even begin to fathom what my mom has felt about this - that was her mom, and she's always had almost a sort of reverence for her mom. That must be insurmountable grief that she deals with every day.
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In a way, I suppose this is a life lesson. Coming to understand how it is to lose loved ones. Finally not only knowing the severity of it, but feeling the severity as well. It's a very painful lesson, and I'm a little afraid - well, very afraid, of the next time I lose someone that means so much to me.

I don't necessarily need anyone's condolences, because I didn't make this post to ask for sympathy. And I'm not depressed or anything like that, I'll be alright. I just needed to talk about this to cope for tonight. I'm sure some of you, if not all of you, understand the feeling I have tonight with these thoughts. For me, it helps to say something.
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My granny died a few months ago so I can totally relate. Lots of feels on Christmas, which was the first one of my life where I didn't see her
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My heart gors out to you and everyone that lobed your Granny.
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Everyone lobed her, literally everyone that knew her

I can't think of anyone that had something against her
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Solio, my grandmother died 11 years ago, it will never not hurt, but it will get easier. Condolences, dude.
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