Current Events > So my relationship of 4 years may be coming to an end...

(+) Yeah! (+)

highway lookin fine tonight imo
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Are you also 23 TC?

Lathissamus posted...

Well, I guess I can give the basics.

1. I'm in community college pursuing my Associate's.
2. I'll be done with my education by 2020.
3. She doesn't want to wait that long as she'll be done with her education far sooner than me. She also has this thing about a man should not be making less than her at all -- which is what the scenario will be after she is done with school. She sticks by her opinion to a fault, even going so far as to make this an ultimatum issue.
4. She wants me to go to a different school whose program will get me done with my education a year earlier. Thing is, I will have to take out tens of thousands in school loans for this to happen.
5. Her way or the highway.

Yeah, I'd say dump her if she's being like that.
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Well I'm not sure exactly how she took it. She got mad at first but conceded the point eventually, so I'm really not sure. I'm gonna let her sleep on it then see in the morning.
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But the thing is, I don't know now if I have the same feelings for her as I once did. When I was looking at her when we were talking about it I felt very little empathy for what she wanted or what she was saying. Something has changed in our relationship and I can't put my finger on it, but it's a jarring change.

Earlier I was saying how much I still had feelings for her, but they're not strong feelings. If that makes sense. Maybe I should sleep on some things too.
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Lathissamus posted...

Well, I guess I can give the basics.

1. I'm in community college pursuing my Associate's.
2. I'll be done with my education by 2020.
3. She doesn't want to wait that long as she'll be done with her education far sooner than me. She also has this thing about a man should not be making less than her at all -- which is what the scenario will be after she is done with school. She sticks by her opinion to a fault, even going so far as to make this an ultimatum issue.
4. She wants me to go to a different school whose program will get me done with my education a year earlier. Thing is, I will have to take out tens of thousands in school loans for this to happen.
5. Her way or the highway.

Dump her. Nothing good is going to come out of staying with a person like that.
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Sounds like she has baby rabies. Or she cheated. Or both.

Lathissamus posted...

But the thing is, I don't know now if I have the same feelings for her as I once did. When I was looking at her when we were talking about it I felt very little empathy for what she wanted or what she was saying. Something has changed in our relationship and I can't put my finger on it, but it's a jarring change.

Earlier I was saying how much I still had feelings for her, but they're not strong feelings. If that makes sense. Maybe I should sleep on some things too.

People wear you down without even realizing it. In the same room with a girl that I loved once, but she became a complete gold digging bitch and now I don't really feel all that bad about anything that happens to her or that I do. It just your sensibilities taking over.

Lathissamus posted...

But the thing is, I don't know now if I have the same feelings for her as I once did. When I was looking at her when we were talking about it I felt very little empathy for what she wanted or what she was saying. Something has changed in our relationship and I can't put my finger on it, but it's a jarring change.

Earlier I was saying how much I still had feelings for her, but they're not strong feelings. If that makes sense. Maybe I should sleep on some things too.

Whatever you do, be true to yourself and keep your best interests in mind. She's young, I'm assuming you're young too. There will be more women, that I promise. If you're worried about keeping the relationship for fear of never having a future one, then you actually have nothing to worry about. Women come and go.
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After you dump her, start playing the chorus to George Michael - Freedom.

Dafuq

Run for the hills
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Lathissamus posted...

But the thing is, I don't know now if I have the same feelings for her as I once did. When I was looking at her when we were talking about it I felt very little empathy for what she wanted or what she was saying. Something has changed in our relationship and I can't put my finger on it, but it's a jarring change.

Earlier I was saying how much I still had feelings for her, but they're not strong feelings. If that makes sense. Maybe I should sleep on some things too.

Idk man. Sometimes it gets to a point where youre staying with someone for comfort instead of happiness.

Im sure you still love her as a person, but maybe you want different things and youre starting to realize it.

If youre still young its never a good idea to stay with something like that just because its easy. There will be something else
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Four years is a long time, but people sometimes go down different paths throughout the course of a relationship. You both clearly want different things, so it might be for the best if it has to end. It's not the easiest thing to do after being invested in someone for so many years and all the familiarity that comes with it. The prospect of moving on with life alone and eventually getting back into the dating game isn't great, but sometimes you have to make those tough decisions.

I mean, if you think you can still make it work or she changes her mind.. whatever. But like, the kid thing is another huge dealbreaker that you probably cannot compromise on. She's clearly trying to rush things based on whatever she thinks societal norms are or based on feelings, while you're doing what I would personally do and making sure you're well prepared for bringing a kid into this world. That just makes sense.
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Drpooplol posted...

Dump her b**** ass

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At least you didn't jump the gun and marry her. Good for you! Now get outta that toxic relationship and find a woman who will care about what you want.

r4X0r posted...

So she's controlling and wants not only your money, but complete direction of your life.

The highway is the FAR better option.

This

Stay far away from girls like this

Four years may sound like a lot but it's really not. Dump her ass.
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Um yeah as soon as I heard some stupid shit like man needs to make more than me id be out.
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Ending it also wouldn't mean 4 years down the drain unless you experienced zero personal growth in that time.

Staying where you aren't happy IS wasted time.

get to steppin TC

She sounds like a jerk
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There are dudes whove wasted decades on women your 4 years aint shit
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Why do I feel this dude is going to cave and be a doormat ?

I get the feeling he is not strong willed enough to kick her ass to the curb, that he thinks what they have is love when its really her treating him like a dog making him do as she wants.

Hoping that I am wrong and this guy mans the fuck up and frees himself from this selfish bitch.
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Lathissamus posted...

Well, I guess I can give the basics.

1. I'm in community college pursuing my Associate's.
2. I'll be done with my education by 2020.
3. She doesn't want to wait that long as she'll be done with her education far sooner than me. She also has this thing about a man should not be making less than her at all -- which is what the scenario will be after she is done with school. She sticks by her opinion to a fault, even going so far as to make this an ultimatum issue.
4. She wants me to go to a different school whose program will get me done with my education a year earlier. Thing is, I will have to take out tens of thousands in school loans for this to happen.
5. Her way or the highway.

Tell her to fuck off.
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Nearly every woman I've dated or been friends with has told me it's the man's job to pay the bills. They don't want a dependa.
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lmao
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Dustin1280 posted...

Ask her if she plans to pay for those loans required to do what she wants.

And frankly the fact that she went as far as to issue an ultimatum simply because she will temporarily(?) be making more money then you is ridiculous...

It makes me wonder why you stuck with this woman as long as you have, because that is insanely controlling....

Honestly I would NEVER have let myself stay in a relationship with someone that is that controlling for as long as you have. I would have dumped her in a couple of months if that....

This
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Lathissamus posted...

Dustin1280 posted...

Ask her if she plans to pay for those loans required to do what she wants.

And frankly the fact that she went as far as to issue an ultimatum simply because she will temporarily(?) be making more money then you is ridiculous...

It makes me wonder why you stuck with this woman as long as you have, because that is insanely controlling....

Idk, she didn't start being this way until like a year ago. I still have feelings for her, but she has been stressing me out a lot about this. I want her to let me do my schooling the way I feel comfortable about it but she doesn't se to care.

She also is trying to rush into having a kid, despite the fact that she is only 23. I want to be two years into my career before starting my family, she wants to do it next year. Also she wants to go straight from school to buying a house.

Yet I still lover her. When I look at her I see all the great times we've had in the past. I'm not sure if I'm with her for who she is now or who she once was. :/

Holy shit, abandon ship dude

People grow apart, especially in your early 20s as youre trying to figure out what kind of adults youll be. thats how it is. Unless youre doing something seriously self destructive dont ever let anyone make you feel bad about your accomplishments and the way you choose to live your life. Tell this chica to go kick rocks
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Lathissamus posted...

Idk, she didn't start being this way until like a year ago. I still have feelings for her, but she has been stressing me out a lot about this. I want her to let me do my schooling the way I feel comfortable about it but she doesn't se to care. She also is trying to rush into having a kid, despite the fact that she is only 23. I want to be two years into my career before starting my family, she wants to do it next year. Also she wants to go straight from school to buying a house. Yet I still lover her. When I look at her I see all the great times we've had in the past. I'm not sure if I'm with her for who she is now or who she once was. :/

That's too fast man. It's like she's speedrunning life and wants you to speedrun it faster because you're a man. That's not healthy.
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@Lathissamus

She doesn't need to "cave" to your point, she needs to understand where you're coming from and the huge cons vs the pros of what she wants. You said she wasn't like this until a year ago--dig into the source of it and nix it, if you can. Explain to her clearly that the finances in the relationship, marriage if it comes to that, will impact you both, and that you both need to come to a reasonable and financially sound decision. Taking out huge amounts of loans, getting a house, and having a child is neither of those. The baby alone will put an insane amount of financial and emotional stress on you both as individuals and as a pair. Not only would that then impact you as a couple but the strife and likely separation that would happen afterward would have a huge toll on your child and their upbringing. Lay all of that out, and ask her why that's worth it to her.

As for your feelings, it's completely 100% normal not to feel any warm fuzzies or anything like that towards your partner during times of stress. That's a honeymoon phase thing. There will be times you'll want to put their head through a wall (sidenote: Don't :P). What truly defines how strong a couple is is how well they communicate and work through the lowest of times like those. It doesn't have to be permanent.
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So she just gave me a call and was pissed about it. It seems like my decision to stand my ground on this issue has caused her to get really pissy about the whole thing. I don't want this to be the case because if she's pissy now, how will she be 6, 8, 12 months down the line?

I slept on it too, and I'm thinking about breaking it off. It may be one of the most difficult decisions of my life, but like some posters have said, it may be for the best.

Being single through school will help me concentrate more too.

I just wish things were different.
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IDK all of that stuff sounds fairly rea--

Lathissamus posted...

She also is trying to rush into having a kid, despite the fact that she is only 23. I want to be two years into my career before starting my family, she wants to do it next year. Also she wants to go straight from school to buying a house.

abandon ship
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Lathissamus posted...

So she just gave me a call and was pissed about it. It seems like my decision to stand my ground on this issue has caused her to get really pissy about the whole thing. I don't want this to be the case because if she's pissy now, how will she be 6, 8, 12 months down the line?

I slept on it too, and I'm thinking about breaking it off. It may be one of the most difficult decisions of my life, but like some posters have said, it may be for the best.

Being single through school will help me concentrate more too.

I just wish things were different.

It sucks but after everything you've said in this topic (school shit, her wanting a kid, "her way or the highway"), it's time to bail.

Bail bail bail

EDIT: Also yeah the fact that she's "pissy" about you literally just defending yourself is just another red flag.

Staying one minute longer (except maybe for a quick bang) is just setting yourself up for failure.

Time to go.
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Don't let girls get to you. Keep your head cool and don't let love take over your emotions.
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If shes religious, say you're gonna contact (insert preacher she knows) and get her blacklisted so she can't go to heaven.

Lathissamus posted...

Dustin1280 posted...

Ask her if she plans to pay for those loans required to do what she wants.

And frankly the fact that she went as far as to issue an ultimatum simply because she will temporarily(?) be making more money then you is ridiculous...

It makes me wonder why you stuck with this woman as long as you have, because that is insanely controlling....

Idk, she didn't start being this way until like a year ago. I still have feelings for her, but she has been stressing me out a lot about this. I want her to let me do my schooling the way I feel comfortable about it but she doesn't se to care.

She also is trying to rush into having a kid, despite the fact that she is only 23. I want to be two years into my career before starting my family, she wants to do it next year. Also she wants to go straight from school to buying a house.

Yet I still lover her. When I look at her I see all the great times we've had in the past. I'm not sure if I'm with her for who she is now or who she once was. :/

Sounds like to me she is ready to be in her mind what an adult is and sees you as still trying to figure out your life. That's not a knock on you, but I know both men and women that get like that in their mid to late 20s because society dictates they should have moved out into a house, have a kid or two, and be in financially stable jobs all by the time they hit 30.
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Jiggy101011 posted...

Lathissamus posted...

Dustin1280 posted...

Ask her if she plans to pay for those loans required to do what she wants.

And frankly the fact that she went as far as to issue an ultimatum simply because she will temporarily(?) be making more money then you is ridiculous...

It makes me wonder why you stuck with this woman as long as you have, because that is insanely controlling....

Idk, she didn't start being this way until like a year ago. I still have feelings for her, but she has been stressing me out a lot about this. I want her to let me do my schooling the way I feel comfortable about it but she doesn't se to care.

She also is trying to rush into having a kid, despite the fact that she is only 23. I want to be two years into my career before starting my family, she wants to do it next year. Also she wants to go straight from school to buying a house.

Yet I still lover her. When I look at her I see all the great times we've had in the past. I'm not sure if I'm with her for who she is now or who she once was. :/

Sounds like to me she is ready to be in her mind what an adult is and sees you as still trying to figure out your life. That's not a knock on you, but I know both men and women that get like that in their mid to late 20s because society dictates they should have moved out into a house, have a kid or two, and be in financially stable jobs all by the time they hit 30.

I know, and even though I should be mad and blame her, I can't bring myself to do so. I won't even say it's anyone's fault. It's just a crappy situation.
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If she really loved you (she doesn't), she wouldn't care when you finished your schooling. She would support you through it, and make the best of the situation. A relationship is a partnership, and as long as you're on the right path (as it seems you are currently). When one side of the partnership is down, the other side is there to pull it back up.

She's getting caught up in traditional roles and applying them to her life and not finding the right puzzle piece. This is honestly a disgrace on her part. She should've learned this in College, ironically, enough - as there is a psychology course you can take dedicated to family roles and such. This is where you can learn a relationship is a partnership.
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She seems too selfish to even understand what love is.

So she wants you to take on thousands of dollars of extra, unnecessary debt just so you finish school one year early. That is just so she doesn't make more money than you for an unspecified time...

Not only is she a bitch, but she's a complete fool. She has no business reproducing yet.
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You can find somebody better, and form a better relationship. You'll think back to this one and realize what a shitty partner she is.
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Hell not dude. You guys have completely different good also in mind, and she's not willing to stick with you on that. She's also controlling as hell and gives you an ultimatum and is sexist as fuck? Lol dide, yu gotta let her go tonight
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yeah ultimatums in general are bullshit, but especially over monumental life events and formative experiences like school, work, etc

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. We had some rough times over work and school, especially when I left the state for a summer internship. It was really hard. But we didn't give each other ultimatums. That's not going any where good.
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Yeah you should absolutely dump her

Never, NEVER stay with someone when you aren't on the same page regarding children.
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Lathissamus posted...

Jiggy101011 posted...

Lathissamus posted...

Dustin1280 posted...

Ask her if she plans to pay for those loans required to do what she wants.

And frankly the fact that she went as far as to issue an ultimatum simply because she will temporarily(?) be making more money then you is ridiculous...

It makes me wonder why you stuck with this woman as long as you have, because that is insanely controlling....

Idk, she didn't start being this way until like a year ago. I still have feelings for her, but she has been stressing me out a lot about this. I want her to let me do my schooling the way I feel comfortable about it but she doesn't se to care.

She also is trying to rush into having a kid, despite the fact that she is only 23. I want to be two years into my career before starting my family, she wants to do it next year. Also she wants to go straight from school to buying a house.

Yet I still lover her. When I look at her I see all the great times we've had in the past. I'm not sure if I'm with her for who she is now or who she once was. :/

Sounds like to me she is ready to be in her mind what an adult is and sees you as still trying to figure out your life. That's not a knock on you, but I know both men and women that get like that in their mid to late 20s because society dictates they should have moved out into a house, have a kid or two, and be in financially stable jobs all by the time they hit 30.

I know, and even though I should be mad and blame her, I can't bring myself to do so. I won't even say it's anyone's fault. It's just a crappy situation.

Ending a relationship after 4 years is rough, especially since you both like each other. Again every one goes through this in their 20s thinking they should have hit certain milestones because their friends have. Women especially get like that when it comes to going into their 30s and wanting kids.

Out of everything you listed in your OP the kids thing is the one you need to figure out if you even want them or not, because that really will be a relationship killer if you guys don't get on the same page. Everything else just sounds like she has figured out her life and she wants you to do the same.

If she got mad at you for talking about it it's probably because in some weird way she loves you and wants you to be the one she shares her life with. Though I can almost guarantee that if you guys do break up be prepared to see her in a relationship/married with a kid on the way in a year and a half. She won't wait around.
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r4X0r posted...

So she's controlling and wants not only your money, but complete direction of your life.

The highway is the FAR better option.

yeah
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Lathissamus posted...

So she just gave me a call and was pissed about it. It seems like my decision to stand my ground on this issue has caused her to get really pissy about the whole thing. I don't want this to be the case because if she's pissy now, how will she be 6, 8, 12 months down the line?

I slept on it too, and I'm thinking about breaking it off. It may be one of the most difficult decisions of my life, but like some posters have said, it may be for the best.

Being single through school will help me concentrate more too.

I just wish things were different.

If anything IT will help you!
Sounds like you found your answer in the bolded part. Dont let someone tell you what to do. You know yourself better than her. You know you can get by with what you got. Itll be for the best. Just break this off and if down the road she wants to give it another try which I hope not cause Id NEVER want to be in that position.

From what Ive read in this topic makes me sad cause really in a relationship it shouldnt be who makes the most but how you both work towards the goals as a partners. Its either 50/50 or good bye cause I would hate for this to go south on you in the future.

And yes Im single and most likely will be for the rest of my life. But who knows but dont cave in focus on whats best for you!
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