Current Events > Want to read what a conservative stand-up comedy routine is like?

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Darmik
05/01/18 4:28:44 AM
#1:


https://www.thestranger.com/seattle/gallagher-is-a-paranoid-right-wing-watermelon-smashing-maniac/Content?oid=4357855

"Hey, President Obama," he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. "You ain't black. I don't care what you sayyou're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milkyou could be a terrorist!" I am too busy losing my mind to catch the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy's brain cancer. Aaaaand we're off.

Gallagher is upset about a lot of things. Young people with their sagging pants (in faintly coded racist terms, he explains that this is why the jails are overcrowdedbecause "their" baggy pants make it too hard for "them" to run from the cops). Tattoos: "That ink goes through to your soulif you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, YOU DIPSHIT." People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: "Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!" Guantnamo Bay: "We weren't even allowed to torture all the way. We had to half-torturethat's nothin' compared to what Saddam and his two sons OOFAY and GOOFAY did." Lesbians: "There's two typesthe ugly ones and the pretty ones." (Um, like all people?) Obama again: "If Obama was really black, he'd act like a black guy and get a white wife." Michael Vick: "Poor Michael Vick." Women's lib: "These women told you they wanna be equalthey DON'T." Trans people: "People like Cher's daughterfigure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can't see your dick, you don't get one." The Rice Krispies elves: "All three of those guys are gay. Look at 'em!" The Mexicans: "Look aroundsee any Mexicans? Nope. They'll be here later for the cleanup."


In case anyone was curious
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Sphyx
05/01/18 4:35:12 AM
#2:


I just imagine an IRL 'Up Late With McBain'.
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pegusus123456
05/01/18 4:42:27 AM
#3:


Darmik posted...
The Rice Krispies elves: "All three of those guys are gay. Look at 'em!"

He got at least one thing right
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Doom_Art
05/01/18 4:50:31 AM
#4:


Darmik posted...
the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy's brain cancer.

Yikes
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kuwab0
05/01/18 4:52:06 AM
#5:


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Giblet_Enjoyer
05/01/18 6:08:07 AM
#6:


unsettling
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pinky0926
05/01/18 6:11:03 AM
#7:


This is like when comedians make edgy race jokes but without the funny part, and are just plain old mean spirited and...well, racist as fuck.
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LightningAce11
05/01/18 6:12:51 AM
#8:


Conservatives and right wingers just can't be funny. Only cringeworthy.
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SavenForever
05/01/18 6:15:35 AM
#9:


I read that in the voice of some angry Italian mobster
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Giblet_Enjoyer
05/01/18 6:33:31 AM
#10:


LightningAce11 posted...
Conservatives and right wingers just can't be funny. Only cringeworthy.

Unless they're just conservative by Canadian standards, like Norm Macdonald
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Turtlebread
05/01/18 6:36:26 AM
#11:


but at least the left can't meme!!!!
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Garioshi
05/01/18 6:37:44 AM
#12:


Frankie Boyle has made some of the most brutal and offensive jokes ever and he's a hard leftist.
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#13
Post #13 was unavailable or deleted.
Jiek_Fafn
05/01/18 6:54:32 AM
#14:


I remember The Brain taking shots at Gallagher years ago. He's always been terrible.
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Sonic23004
05/01/18 7:18:40 AM
#15:


The old man... is onstage in front of a sold-out Admiral Theatre in Bremerton, Washington.


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SGT_Conti
05/01/18 7:30:33 AM
#16:


That's not a comedy routine, that's a rant

Giblet_Enjoyer posted...
LightningAce11 posted...
Conservatives and right wingers just can't be funny. Only cringeworthy.

Unless they're just conservative by Canadian standards, like Norm Macdonald

Is Norm really considered conservative? He's like a very very very slight right-leaning centrist at most to me.

Oh god never mind I got him confused with Neil MacDonald who is apparently a relation of his
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ASithLord7
05/01/18 8:15:45 AM
#17:


Jesus Christ
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Solar_Crimson
05/01/18 8:18:58 AM
#18:


...This is comedy?
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averagejoel
05/01/18 8:19:41 AM
#19:


pinky0926 posted...
This is like when comedians make edgy race jokes but without the funny part, and are just plain old mean spirited and...well, racist as fuck.

you just perfectly summarized conservative comedy
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Master_Bass
05/01/18 8:32:35 AM
#20:


Solar_Crimson posted...
...This is comedy?

This. Where was the part that was supposed to make me laugh?
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jumi
05/01/18 8:44:05 AM
#21:


"If you can't see your dick, you don't get one."

Who's going to tell Donnie the bad news?
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ledbowman
05/01/18 8:48:03 AM
#22:


WHCA members told @brianstelter a number of ideas floating around for potential changes to the #whcd next year -- including hiring dueling comedians (one liberal, one conservative) and hiring a singer instead of a comedian


https://twitter.com/sarahcwestwood/status/991037723770281984
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KingCoasterOreo
05/01/18 8:51:00 AM
#23:


This is what all the "lmao you TRIGGEREd??;)))" kids will grow up to be.
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Heineken14
05/01/18 8:53:37 AM
#24:


ledbowman posted...
WHCA members told @brianstelter a number of ideas floating around for potential changes to the #whcd next year -- including hiring dueling comedians (one liberal, one conservative) and hiring a singer instead of a comedian


https://twitter.com/sarahcwestwood/status/991037723770281984


Why? The world's fattest snowflake still won't attend.
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ASithLord7
05/01/18 8:54:42 AM
#25:


KingCoasterOreo posted...
This is what all the "lmao you TRIGGEREd??;)))" kids will grow up to be.

This is how most of them already are tbh
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Antifar
05/01/18 8:55:54 AM
#26:


Conservative comedian Dennis Miller

https://twitter.com/DennisDMZ
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Shuto-uke
05/01/18 9:06:10 AM
#27:


Doom_Art posted...
Darmik posted...
the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy's brain cancer.

Yikes


Yet they get so outraged at the Huckabeast jokes
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Shuto-uke
05/01/18 9:06:54 AM
#28:


Sonic23004 posted...
The old man... is onstage in front of a sold-out Admiral Theatre in Bremerton, Washington.



LMAO
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KingCoasterOreo
05/01/18 9:09:39 AM
#29:


ASithLord7 posted...
KingCoasterOreo posted...
This is what all the "lmao you TRIGGEREd??;)))" kids will grow up to be.

This is how most of them already are tbh

True. Here's hoping they grow out of it eventually
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DoubleDare
05/01/18 9:19:58 AM
#30:


Bu bu but but I liked Gallagher as a kid smashing the atari2600s and succhh.
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Jagr_68
05/01/18 9:20:45 AM
#31:


Solar_Crimson posted...
...This is comedy?


People said the same thing when Gallagher was randomly smashing watermelons with a giant mallet back in the day. I think the real question is how the hell did he go from that outgoing cornball gimmick straight into mean as fuck racism/homophobia routines.
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Antifar
05/01/18 9:27:26 AM
#32:


Jagr_68 posted...
I think the real question is how the hell did he go from that outgoing cornball gimmick straight into mean as fuck racism/homophobia routines.

Dude's 71, so
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DevsBro
05/01/18 9:29:25 AM
#33:


It's only funny to make fun of people who are right. Otherwise it's just mean.
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bover_87
05/01/18 9:34:12 AM
#34:


I think it's really telling here how the right's idea of 'comedy' (among other things like values) is to simply be as big an asshole as possible towards those who aren't like them.
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Darmik
05/01/18 5:51:03 PM
#35:


Bump
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joestarrr
05/01/18 5:52:31 PM
#36:


Doom_Art posted...
Darmik posted...
the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy's brain cancer.

Yikes


double yikes
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Questionmarktarius
05/01/18 5:53:11 PM
#37:


Gallagher, or Gallagher Too?
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yusiko
05/01/18 5:56:18 PM
#38:


KingCoasterOreo posted...
ASithLord7 posted...
KingCoasterOreo posted...
This is what all the "lmao you TRIGGEREd??;)))" kids will grow up to be.

This is how most of them already are tbh

True. Here's hoping they grow out of it eventually


naw its too late for them
best to just write them off as a lost cause and ship them off to texas where they cant hurt infect decent people
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Phantom_Nook
05/01/18 5:57:23 PM
#39:


but God forbid anyone joke about Huckabeast's make-up.
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Funbazooka
05/01/18 5:57:58 PM
#40:


That watermelon busting dude's still alive?
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boxington
05/01/18 5:59:25 PM
#41:


uhhh
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MC_BatCommander
05/01/18 6:18:27 PM
#42:


Gallagher has always produced shit comedy. Idk how he has managed to have any kind of career
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Axiom
05/01/18 6:23:52 PM
#43:


Not surprised that guy is crazy
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Polycosm
05/01/18 6:29:19 PM
#44:


Bill Burr has some pretty good material that hits the left and social justice crowds. I don't get the sense that he's actually conservative, but he's what I imagine a good conservative comic could be.
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#45
Post #45 was unavailable or deleted.
ledbowman
05/01/18 6:53:16 PM
#46:


Polycosm posted...
Bill Burr has some pretty good material that hits the left and social justice crowds. I don't get the sense that he's actually conservative, but he's what I imagine a good conservative comic could be.

Right but I think they would fuck up and not get somebody like that.
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