Current Events > I have a friend being beaten by her boyfriend who isn't trying to leave.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Im not really sure what to do, CE. She doesnt seem like she even cares that much. He just blackened her eye recently and I just found out about all of it. He apparently put her through a door before.

I wanna kill the guy. But I know getting violent will make things worse. What can I do in this situation? What should I do? Will confronting him or calling the police make it more likely for him to just attack her again?

Im at a loss. Does anybody have any advice?
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There's nothing you can really do, unless you manage to call the police during it.
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You have to convince her that she has to leave.
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Don't try and be a white knight because it will make matters worse. If she isn't trying to change things, there's not much you can do. Best you can do is hope she asks for help or something.
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I think of myself as someone really good at giving advice, but this is one of the few situations I've never been able to easily solve.

If you seriously really fucking care...like hardcore... you'd have to take the role of her closest friend, assuming you're not cut-off. From there, you'd have to gradually guilt trip them or some manipulative shit.
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Some women just like abusive men.
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If she doesn't want help, there isn't much you can do.
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Straight up telling people that they're being emotionally and physically abused and describing that abuse back to them rarely works. It can even be counter productive because it further dis-empowers the victim, something the abuser is likely already doing, reinforcing the idea that they need their abusers. Also, we have a cultural stigma about being seen as a victim in this country. She has to make that mental jump under her own power.

Try and get her to talk to you and try to explain to her that her that her injuries are not her fault, her safety and comfort are more important than her relationship, and she does have options even if she can't see them now right now. Don't discount the helpfulness of professional support. Most importantly listen.

Before having the conversation, I'd also do some reading about strategies of talking to abuse victims about their abuse. Read how abuse victims interpreted their friends and family's efforts to help them, and try to understand why so many of them often resist the help at first.
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If you're willing to sacrifice your friendship to help her, go to the cops and explain the information, provide her address/details, and offer to provide a written or witness testimony. That doesn't mean she'll press charges, or that she'll actually change, but that's probably the best you can do in this kind of situation. I don't know that trying to play the long game and slowly manipulate her into breaking up with him is any better than going right to the authorities, but as others have said there's no easy answer here.
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Do her parents know about it. I would at least tell them.
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Have her start documenting her injuries then get her to file a restraining order.
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She only responds to manipulation. Manipulate her out of the relationship >_>.
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Curb stomp the boyfriend
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Don't be the enabler that lets her use you as the steam valve to let the relationship continue. Some tough love may be required.

If she's not using you in that way (ie, you're not helping to lift her up after he breaks her down) then there's not much you can do aside from alert the authorities and make sure her family knows what's going on.
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hollow_shrine posted...

Straight up telling people that they're being emotionally and physically abused and describing that abuse back to them rarely works. It can even be counter productive because it further dis-empowers the victim, something the abuser is likely already doing, reinforcing the idea that they need their abusers. Also, we have a cultural stigma about being seen as a victim in this country. She has to make that mental jump under her own power.

Try and get her to talk to you and try to explain to her that her that her injuries are not her fault, her safety and comfort are more important than her relationship, and she does have options even if she can't see them now right now. Don't discount the helpfulness of professional support. Most importantly listen.

Before having the conversation, I'd also do some reading about strategies of talking to abuse victims about their abuse. Read how abuse victims interpreted their friends and family's efforts to help them, and try to understand why so many of them often resist the help at first.

All of this

Don't try to take control of the situation and act for her (e.g. by calling authorities) because that could just make things worse and/or shut her off from you without resolving anything
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Maybe she's a masochist, and enjoys it? It's ultra weird, but there are rare individuals who enjoy being hurt. Like, they actually get sexual pleasure out of it.
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Thanks for all the advice here. I really do appreciate it.

Blue_Dream87 posted...

Curb stomp the boyfriend

As much as I want to literally murder him, thats only going to make things worse for everyone involved.
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are you in love with her TC? :o
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Tell her that you love her TC and steal her heart away.

Tell her how much it hurts you to see her with that physically abusive monster.
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Abyssea posted...

are you in love with her TC? :o

No. Im happily married.

But her and I had a thing in the past, and weve been pretty great friends for a while now afterward. We havent talked in a bit, and I found out about the situation after getting back in touch.
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HaVeNII7 posted...

Abyssea posted...

are you in love with her TC? :o

No. Im happily married.

But her and I had a thing in the past, and weve been pretty great friends for a while now afterward. We havent talked in a bit, and I found out about the situation after getting back in touch.

Ask your wife for advice on how to handle this.

Or work with your wife on how to separate her from her abusive relationship.
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I talked to her a bit more about the situation just now. Shes working - the guy isnt. He watches her two kids while she uses HIS car to drive to work. She says she has bad enough credit that she cant get a loan for a car of her own.

Really shit situation...Im gonna try and see if I cant find some sort of assistance program to people who need a vehicle.
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What kind of door?

Blue_Dream87 posted...

Curb stomp the boyfriend

Now, take a guess who ends up going to jail.

If she's a single mom with two kids, she should be able to get plenty of financial support. She needs to get a PFA against him, talk to a victim outreach center (you can find these in your city through Google pretty easily), and have charges filed if it happens again.

This stuff only ever escalates; it doesn't stop.

He will seriously hurt her, or worse.
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she likes it so mind your own business

Omnislasher posted...

she likes it so mind your own business

Ill take the karma loss. Fuck you. Seriously.

Patchwork posted...

If she's a single mom with two kids, she should be able to get plenty of financial support. She needs to get a PFA against him, talk to a victim outreach center (you can find these in your city through Google pretty easily), and have charges filed if it happens again.

This stuff only ever escalates; it doesn't stop.

He will seriously hurt her, or worse.

I appreciate the advice and will definitely look around the area to see if I cant find a center nearby. Thank you.
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fuck you too

HaVeNII7 posted...

I talked to her a bit more about the situation just now. Shes working - the guy isnt. He watches her two kids while she uses HIS car to drive to work. She says she has bad enough credit that she cant get a loan for a car of her own.

She leaves her kids with the abuser? I can't possibly see that going well.

Anyway, what about having an intervention? And I have doubts about this next idea, but I'm saying it anyway: do you think the guy can be bribed into leaving?
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Beat the shit out of her boyfriend
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-Unowninator- posted...

HaVeNII7 posted...

I talked to her a bit more about the situation just now. Shes working - the guy isnt. He watches her two kids while she uses HIS car to drive to work. She says she has bad enough credit that she cant get a loan for a car of her own.

She leaves her kids with the abuser? I can't possibly see that going well.

Anyway, what about having an intervention? And I have doubts about this next idea, but I'm saying it anyway: do you think the guy can be bribed into leaving?

Apparently hes okay with the kids. But that just sets off alarms in my head asking for how long hes gonna be okay around them. And...Not sure what either of us could bribe him with. Neither of us are particularly well off money wise.
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Bad_Mojo posted...

Beat the shit out of her boyfriend

Like I already said, I would love to. But we both know that wont actually change anything. In fact, it would probably make him more aggressive and land my own ass in jail.
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so how exactly do you know that all of this stuff isn't part of consensual sexual play?

Omnislasher posted...

so how exactly do you know that all of this stuff isn't part of consensual sexual play?

Shes literally told me he abuses her and that shes actively looking for a way out.
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Omnislasher posted...

so how exactly do you know that all of this stuff isn't part of consensual sexual play?

You're dead set on being a dumbass today aren't you?
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HaVeNII7 posted...

Bad_Mojo posted...

Beat the shit out of her boyfriend

Like I already said, I would love to. But we both know that wont actually change anything. In fact, it would probably make him more aggressive and land my own ass in jail.

You'll get off by saying you felt like she was in danger. You can lie, you know. It's not even a lie, she is in danger.

It drives me crazy to see so many people so afraid of getting into trouble when you could help someone out. Just fucking wreck him. I doubt he'd call the police if she's an abusive scum bag
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does she seem to not care or is she claiming to be abused and looking for a way out?

you're contradicting yourself

Omnislasher posted...

does she seem to not care or is she claiming to be abused and looking for a way out?

you're contradicting yourself

Let me reword it.

She seems to be dead set stuck in thinking that shes always going to be in a bad situation. She seems complacent in the fact that shes always been in bad situations.

Shes trying to get out of this one, but isnt trying as hard as she could be. Im trying to help show her that there are options available and that she doesnt have to be with someone whos abusive.

Its that simple. Stop trying to spin this any other way. He put her through a god damn fucking door.

If you want to try and tell me I shouldnt help her, feel free to refer to post 28.
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am I being punk'd here?

the topic title says "I have a friend... who isn't trying to leave"

then he goes "Shes literally told me... that shes actively looking for a way out."

this is an obvious and important contradiction and he should get the details straight for people here if he really wants advice

I thought women can take care of themselves
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whatever I'm out

Omnislasher posted...

am I being punk'd here?

the topic title says "I have a friend... who isn't trying to leave"

then he goes "Shes literally told me... that shes actively looking for a way out."

this is an obvious and important contradiction and he should get the details straight for people here if he really wants advice

HaVeNII7 posted...

I talked to her a bit more about the situation just now. Shes working - the guy isnt. He watches her two kids while she uses HIS car to drive to work. She says she has bad enough credit that she cant get a loan for a car of her own.

Really shit situation...Im gonna try and see if I cant find some sort of assistance program to people who need a vehicle.

If you cant put two and two together, Im not going to spell it out for you. This is the last time Im gonna reply. If youre trolling, just know youre a horrible human being. Bye.
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Lol @ people who are telling him to manipulate her. Imagine thinking that's helping her. If she doesn't want to change there is nothing you can do.
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I really wish I could tell you what I would do, but it would be against the ToS. He's not going to call the police on you if you beat the shit out of him. . .
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call the police
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Hairistotle posted...

Bad_Mojo posted...

I really wish I could tell you what I would do, but it would be against the ToS. He's not going to call the police on you if you beat the shit out of him. . .

The problem with this strategy is unless you put the fear of god in him, he will retaliate to her

Rock in a sock, aim at the back/ribs when he's down
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