Current Events > anger management theraphy, anyone have experience? considering it heavily now.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this and keep hurting people i care about.

Backstory is i always have anger, compulsive episodes of rage since childhood. Over the years, i learned to better control it. In the last 10 years or so, i probably have less than 5 "bursts" episodes.

However around 2 weeks ago i got hospitalized due to dengue fever. It stressed me so much, somehow. I don't know how the two are related, but since then my emotions are getting harder and harder to keep in line.

Since 19th of may (when i got admitted out of the hospital) i have suffered 3 emotional breakdowns, all of them really stupid, and could have been easily avoided, but my brain cannot help it.

In my outburst, i feel welling anger, a huge amount of energy coming out suddenly. It is a figurative explosion within my heart. It shows up in the form of violent screaming, yelling swearing and the strong, strong violent impulses. So far i lashed on objects like walls, or the occasional, innocent furniture. But i dunno, this week, each outburst is worse than the previous, i might ended up hitting someone and hurt them bad or worse.

I become essentially painless too. Like once i punched trough a melanin/plastic door thing. The sharp splinter pierced my arm and i bled, which i dont even realize until around 10 minuted later when i calmed down. I saw my bloody hand, but did not feel pain because the massive endorphin explosion. The pain began to be noticeable only after 15 minutes or so.

After the violent episode ends, i basically felt drained, exhausted, other feeling beside anger start pouring in, followed by immense regret and sadness.

I thought i can keep it in control forever, but turned out i cannot. I spoke with my parents, i decided to search for a good therapist to at least learn how to properly vent my anger, or to de-escalate signs of outburst, whatever preventing me from going crazy.

It has been exhausting. I experienced 3 episodes this week alone, and the one just now was the worst yet. My hands shook like crazy, my heart was beating like i just ran a marathon, and i cant even form a sentence without being triggered by my own anger.

I dunno.

At this point, i want to get help. I want to get better. I am at the point where i feel like i can into worst case scenario now.

I dunnom just venting. I need this out for now. Ramadan is a big deal in my country, so I might not be able to set up appointment until the second week of june.

/blogfaqa
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I get big, strong and green and smash everything around me!
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Lairen posted...

I get big, strong and green and smash everything around me!

True. The hulk is an apt comparison, but instead of being superhero, i became a huge liability and threat to people around me.

It feels so real. In my episode i just feel invincible. The mental restraints are all off so i can pull out some honestly impressive physical feats, 100% of them are badly violent and dangerous. I barely even feel pain. I have punched walls, broke a wooden door, destroyed a metal locker, and other property damages.

After that, comes really depressive feeling, regret, thay leave you hollow for the rest of the day.

It is so bad. It feel bad. I dont want to be like this anymore.
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As i type this, my heart rocks back and forth between remorse and anger. i do not know even where the anger is directed. part of it is anger at myself for not able to control the situation, part of it is directed at that asshole who pissed me off, and the rest are towards random flash of thought. i also feel violent urges flashing in random interval.

i don't think this episode is over yet. i feel like i am going crazy.
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pick up boxing or a different combat sport

honestly, all you need is an outlet and an honest desire to learn about yourself and how to control your emotions instead of letting them control you

rather than rely on therapy or otherwise external help, try solving the issue by yourself. you'll grow as a person for it

This sounds like exactly the kind of thing that you should seek therapy for. Uncontrollable unwanted extreme emotions? Yes, go start visiting therapists.

Something like an infection or severe fever can certainly impact your emotional stability. More and more research is tying things like gut bacteria (which would be devastated by fevers and antibiotics) to our mental states and feelings, and given that you've noticed a marked difference since your illness, it sounds very likely to be related to your mental condition now.
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Lunaaaa posted...

i cant even form a sentence without being triggered by my own anger.

This sounds extreme, might want to see a doctor
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yeah. i will check some places out.

right now, the violent tendency is really bad. i can't stop it. the most control i can exert over during the outburst is where i directed my violence towards. in this case usually stuff that's indestructible by bare hands like brick walls.

that's a sliver of control i can use , so instead of hitting people or other object that can cause alot of financial damage, i use that last control to hit walls usually. i just bang my fists until i spent the excess energy and feel tired. usually 5 to 10 minutes later, the endorphins subside and the pain sets in from bruises. i got one on my palm now from slamming my desk soooo hard. at least i hit the sturdy part near the support leg and the desk is made of good wood.
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in an unfortunate cases where there are no sturdy objects, there is just no stopping them. in high school, i paid around $50 out of my own pocket to repair a section of gypsum walls and door handle i broke.

damn i am pretty messed up, why i only feel like i need real help now. i guess this week was the tipping point.
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and the last time i hit a person was in middle school. i got away because in the end they just dismissed it as kids brawl, even though if i didn't get forcefully stopped i would mess the other kid very bad.

i have been able to hold it out not hitting people. because in the corner in my mind i still realize if i do it as an adult, i would definitely go to prison for assault or worse, or fight the wrong people and get shot or something like that.
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Lunaaaa posted...

in an unfortunate cases where there are no sturdy objects, there is just no stopping them. in high school, i paid around $50 out of my own pocket to repair a section of gypsum walls and door handle i broke.

damn i am pretty messed up, why i only feel like i need real help now. i guess this week was the tipping point.

Hey man, the important thing is you realize you need help. Thats an important first step and I wish you the best of luck.
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thanks. i finally realized how shitty i feel everytime i have an outburst. the frequency before is like once or twice per year, most of them are minors to moderate.

on a scale of 1 (annoyed) to 10 ( i wanna reposition someone's innards outside their bodies and force them to watch themselves being disemboweled ) last year i have a 6 or 7. the 7 one made me quit my job in september 2018 and decided to take on family business instead.

this week's several times has been at least 8 or 9.

the aftermath feels really like SHIT. i usually don't have depressive tendency. i am usually content, i like myself, i don't mind dealing with some annoying people to some degree even put up to them. but after each and every outburst, i feel super depressed. mostly from guilt and remorse. i hated myself, i hated everyone else. i hated the world more than 90's JRPG protagonist.
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