Poll of the Day > Girl Problems? Gale Problems?! Ask the Doctor!

(+) Yeah! (+)

Okay, Doc. We got a problem, hypothetically.

What are the implications of dating a person with a kid?

More specifically, you matched on a dating app, there was no indication that she had one, you set up a date, it was then much after revealed she has a two year-old daughter who she sees Thursday thru Sunday, and her ex- takes the kid the other days. The date has not taken place yet. It will occur in less than 24 hours.

There's more, but I'm gonna stop to keep things simple.
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Well, does her having a kid bother you?
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I wouldn't continue a game where someone has left off in most cases. I would prefer to start a new game and go in fresh.
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I feel a bit duped that it wasn't mentioned in her profile and brought up only later after a date was established.

I'm not sure how I would've felt if I came in knowing though.

Maybe I'm putting the cart too far forward. Maybe the date will go disastrously!
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Thursday thru Sunday you won't get any time with this chick. That's time to spent with her kid. Even if you do make it to the stage where she's okay with you meeting the kid, you still have to deal with the kid being there. Plus there's the baby's daddy.

Hard pass for me. I'd cancel the date and tell her I don't date single mothers.

DDirtyDastard posted...

I don't date single mothers.

If the kids have grow up and moved out it might work for me come to think of it.
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I feel like it's hard for single parents to date, so they might no open with the kid thing until contact has been established. Now you've talked to her, you have a glimpse at her personality and you can truly judge if it's worth meeting the person despite the kid.

If you do/don't mind dating someone with a kid nothing changes in her not coming out right away, if you weren't sure now you have a more informed opinion when you do make the choice.

Breaking off the date at this point is still harmless, because lets face it, you haven't even established a rapport with her. There's not much to lose if that's how you choose to proceed. On the other hand if you do hit it off, she gave you the kid info early enough that it shouldn't really be an issue.

wwinterj25 posted...

DDirtyDastard posted...

I don't date single mothers.

If the kids have grow up and moved out it might work for me come to think of it.

That's been my only exception. Still, a woman with kids that old is going to have a bunch of baggage. They usually have their shit together and want to have a good time having had to raise all those kids all those years, but the chick I dated had major trust issues and always suspected me of cheating. That and having to spend time with her kids on the holidays really sucked and was pretty awkward since I was closer in age to them than I was her.

I wouldn't recommend it.

DDirtyDastard posted...

I wouldn't recommend it.

It wouldn't be my ideal date but I mean it wouldn't be a deal breaker too. 35-40 year old seems fine to me.
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Yeah, I reached the same conclusion about the weekends.

No clue what the normal timeline to meet someone's kid is. I have a friend I can ask. Hope I never have to meet the ex-.

Not sure about the cancelling. She seems really stoked about it, and I'd feel really bad. Like, I suggested a date, time, and place (I picked Thursday thinking it'd be an okay day LOL). She said no to all three and offered an alternative (I'm more used to just hearing no with no alternatives given).

I think we'll go with the "requiring 24 hours notice" rule doctors use for cancelling appointments and just see this one through.

I feel like it's hard for single parents to date too. Reddit seems to disagree with that though.

Edit: She's 28 and Asian if that's relevant.
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I actually met an amazing chick working a festival about two weeks ago. Wasn't even trying to meet anyone at the time, was just trying to make a bunch of money. Long story short, our chemistry couldn't be denied, and after spending about a week having a ton of fun and making a solid connection, we exchanged contact info and parted ways.

Problem is I live on the West Coast and she lives in Ohio. Not really sure how to proceed or if it's even worth it. I feel like I should strike while the iron's hot, but I can't just drop everything to go out and see her, especially if it ends up not having the same feel as before.

Thinking I'll text her tonight and see what's up (first time directly reaching out since the festival). Anybody have any ideas on how to proceed?

Idk. My SO has kids and everything is fine. And theyre super nice. And I know my best friend also dates a guy with 2 kids. And they love her. And now shes married, so, eh... It mostly depends on if youre ok with it or not. And stuff...
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LinkPizza posted...

Idk. My SO has kids and everything is fine. And theyre super nice. And I know my best friend also dates a guy with 2 kids. And they love her. And now shes married, so, eh... It mostly depends on if youre ok with it or not. And stuff...

How long were you two going out until you finally met your SO's kids?

DDirtyDastard posted...

I actually met an amazing chick working a festival about two weeks ago. Wasn't even trying to meet anyone at the time, was just trying to make a bunch of money. Long story short, our chemistry couldn't be denied, and after spending about a week having a ton of fun and making a solid connection, we exchanged contact info and parted ways.

Problem is I live on the West Coast and she lives in Ohio. Not really sure how to proceed or if it's even worth it. I feel like I should strike while the iron's hot, but I can't just drop everything to go out and see her, especially if it ends up not having the same feel as before.

Thinking I'll text her tonight and see what's up (first time directly reaching out since the festival). Anybody have any ideas on how to proceed?

No clue, man. Two weeks seems like such a long time ago. You know her better than me though. Maybe just say that you remember her and were reminiscing. Or ask if she's tried something before (like snowboarding or whatever to get a conversation going). Maybe call her? A call might be better. Text can be messy and doesn't translate too well. Plus, you can ask stupid stuff like "what are you doing" and get away with it.
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LinkPizza posted...

Idk. My SO has kids and everything is fine.

Are the kids mum still around? How was it at first? Generally curious.
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Idk. See I don't like that it wasn't mentioned. To me dating a parent isn't an issue. Try finding singles without kids in your 30s. Men and women alike, single parents galore. It's the dishonesty through omission of an important fact.

That said every guy I've gone out with has been different than advertised. Some were XXXL and hid it or it didn't translate to the photos. So many lie about height. Latest 5'9 guy def shorter than me and I'm like 5'8. I had a 5'5 guy call himself 5'8". That's life. Hard if you're a short guy or a single parent but people should still be honest

As far as I know all of the parents I've dated have been up front about it. I didn't / haven't met any of the kids. But I wouldn't date them seriously if I was not open to that in the future.

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ASlaveObeys posted...

I feel like it's hard for single parents to date, so they might no open with the kid thing until contact has been established. Now you've talked to her, you have a glimpse at her personality and you can truly judge if it's worth meeting the person despite the kid.

If you do/don't mind dating someone with a kid nothing changes in her not coming out right away, if you weren't sure now you have a more informed opinion when you do make the choice.

Breaking off the date at this point is still harmless, because lets face it, you haven't even established a rapport with her. There's not much to lose if that's how you choose to proceed. On the other hand if you do hit it off, she gave you the kid info early enough that it shouldn't really be an issue.

This is really sensible. It's a first date. That's it. Really nothing to lose there

My current dating partner is a single dad and that's cool with me. I think parents are all right. In my experience they're way less wrapped up in trivial shit and can be better partners. But it can be hard making that work and you really gotta be aware of the situation going in. And you have to know their kid(s) come first for them. That's not for everyone

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My first marriage was with a "ready made family" as she had two kids from her first marriage. They only saw their dad every other weekend (if he actually showed and/ or wasn't being chased by the courts for being thousands behind on child support).

It wasn't easy and it was just too much for me. They had some major behavioral problems and she didn't believe in discipline. She kept this attitude of "it's us against the world" and it turned into 3 vs. 1. Thankfully, our kid we had together is with me.

Dating with kids is hard. It was hard for me because women look at single fathers with kids as scumbags (even though I had custody of my son). Women with kids (and they're everywhere, like it was cool to have them) are typically either overly cautious about introducing you to their kids or they're ready on the first day. "Here is mommy's new boyfriend. Meet your new daddy!" Fuck that

If you're interested, give it a shot. Worst case is you waste a few hours and some money

Doctor Foxx posted...

And you have to know their kid(s) come first for them.

To be fair some parents don't care about their kids or have no contact with them at all for reasons. Technically they are still a parent though. Still you're right. Most parents will indeed put their kids before anything.
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wwinterj25 posted...

To be fair some parents don't care about their kids or have no contact with them at all for reasons. Technically they are still a parent though. Still you're right. Most parents will indeed put their kids before anything.

I mean yes that's true but tbh I wouldn't touch that shit and would rather die single thanks

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SpeedDemon20 posted...

LinkPizza posted...

Idk. My SO has kids and everything is fine. And theyre super nice. And I know my best friend also dates a guy with 2 kids. And they love her. And now shes married, so, eh... It mostly depends on if youre ok with it or not. And stuff...

How long were you two going out until you finally met your SO's kids?

Well, one I met maybe after a year or so. But we just sort met. Like said hey and that I was a friend. Though, recently, like maybe last Thanksgiving, I actually met them. I had Thanksgiving with his family. And while its never been said, Im sure they know that were dating, as they know their dad is gay, so...

wwinterj25 posted...

LinkPizza posted...

Idk. My SO has kids and everything is fine.

Are the kids mum still around? How was it at first? Generally curious.

They are around in the kids lives, but live in different states. And its fine, I guess. I learned about the kids before we were dating when we were still just hooking-up. It was never really a big deal. There split time between both parents. One of the ex-wives is nice and they are on friendly terms. He hates the other one, though...
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Doctor Foxx posted...

I mean yes that's true but tbh I wouldn't touch that shit and would rather die single thanks

Indeed. I certainly wouldn't date someone who has kids and doesn't acre about them. They won't be nice people.
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SpeedDemon20 posted...

LinkPizza posted...
No clue, man. Two weeks seems like such a long time ago. You know her better than me though. Maybe just say that you remember her and were reminiscing. Or ask if she's tried something before (like snowboarding or whatever to get a conversation going). Maybe call her? A call might be better. Text can be messy and doesn't translate too well. Plus, you can ask stupid stuff like "what are you doing" and get away with it.

It's been two weeks since we met. A week since we've seen each other.

I know she works a lot and I know that she took the time to list that she was single on FB in the week since I added her and now (it had been hidden before).

I kinda wanna keep it loose and fun. All that serious shit scares chicks off. I just gotta figure out if it's worth it for me to head out there and see her. Chicks are fickle, the momentum may already be gone.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation.

I would never date anyone with a kid.
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Didn't read the rest of the topic, but I would probably go on the date and then break things off asap afterwards.
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You think you've Got problems?
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Doctor Foxx posted...

Idk. See I don't like that it wasn't mentioned. To me dating a parent isn't an issue. Try finding singles without kids in your 30s. Men and women alike, single parents galore. It's the dishonesty through omission of an important fact.

That said every guy I've gone out with has been different than advertised. Some were XXXL and hid it or it didn't translate to the photos. So many lie about height. Latest 5'9 guy def shorter than me and I'm like 5'8. I had a 5'5 guy call himself 5'8". That's life. Hard if you're a short guy or a single parent but people should still be honest

As far as I know all of the parents I've dated have been up front about it. I didn't / haven't met any of the kids. But I wouldn't date them seriously if I was not open to that in the future.

Yeah, same! Hence the feeling of dupe. But otherwise, she's been super cool so far. I'll see how the date goes tomorrow.
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It's date time. She says she's running late.
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Oh, she's here! Wish me luck, PotD!
:D
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Good Luck!
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My God. What an angel.
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tl;dr version: I think we hit it off, but I'm not totally sure. She seemed to have fun.

"Long but I read it anyway" version: It was typical milk tea date. I arrived early, and she texted that she would be a few minutes late and apologized. The food/drinks order was a bit weird. I assumed we were going to pay separately; I paid for everything. We didn't talk about it beforehand, but after paying, she said her dates always paid and I said all the dates I had always insisted on paying for themselves. She's very "traditional" and likes it when the guy pays for everything. I don't mind either way.

We talked about our experience on the dating app (I don't know how this always gets brought up, but it is definitely never me bringing it up). She said she has a bajillion matches and it was always a comment on one of her pictures telling her she had a nice smile. I threw a curveball and apparently she liked that it was different (I stupidly commented/asked if she had ever gone snowboarding... neither of us have). She said she also matched with me specifically because we're the same ethnicity (she has her profile set to search for similar ethnicity). She said she had experiences where people's profiles were deceptive and they didn't match their profile. She was glad I did (and she did as well; what an angel). Also, she hadn't completed her profile when I sent her a like, so that's why I didn't have all the info (you have to have a certain number of pictures uploaded to use the app fully).

As for the actual date, it was milk tea and some appetizers (popcorn chicken and whatever it was she ordered). It's my own personal philosophy, but I think having an activity to do together makes bonding easier. So I had brought a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle. The pieces were split 50-50 between us (with equivalent corner, side, and middle pieces). I made a shish kabob out of the appetizers, and whoever finished putting in all of their 50 pieces would win the shish kabob.

She was surprisingly into it. Like really into it (she accused me of probably cheating before we started). We talked about random stuff at the start, but once the side pieces were all in, she was super focused on putting in pieces. She even took my pieces, so she could attach hers ("I need you to put this piece here, so I can put my piece in"). We worked on the puzzle together and it took like maybe 30-40 minutes to finish it. It came down with both of us having four pieces each, but she was faster and won the shish kabob (honestly, I was kinda worried about winning, but her hands are fast AF).

After that it was a pretty typical date, I feel. We talked about work, life outside of work, childhood stuff, family, and trying to find god damn parking in our crowded neighborhoods. I had brought some scratch paper and pencils (something is wrong with me; I know) and we drew out diagrams of our parking situation (like using garbage cans to save our spots, finding out neighbors just tossing the garbage aside and taking the spot anyway).

At the end of the night, I walked her to her car and we were still talking a lot. We reached the car though and she had to get home, so we said our goodbyes.

I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I want to ask her out again next week, but I don't know how she felt about the date overall (she seemed to enjoy it though) and we never really talked about her daughter.

Date options seem so limited if we can only meet at night/after work Sunday thru Wednesday.
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Just ask her out again. If she had fun, shell probably say yes...
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Sounds like a nice first date. Maybe send a message tomorrow letting her know you had a nice time and your be interested in seeing her again. If she agrees then you can work out the details. If not, you lost a little time and the cost of tea.

First dates are about making sure you get along in person. Because often you don't mesh. And if you both don't get along, ultimately what does their child matter? Definitely ask a little more if you're going out again. It's still about getting to know her, first and foremost.

I've gone out with parents that talked about their kids so much it was hard to get to know them. Loving your children and taking pride in them is great. You shouldn't be in a rush to involve a new dating partner in knowing your child's every detail.

For what it's worth with parent I'm seeing: I didn't ask much and he didn't talk in depth about his child before the first date. I knew he had a middle school aged child and shared custody.

I've asked and learned more since because I'm interested in seeing him. Our first date ended with a hug and agreement we'd like to go out again. Official date 3 is tomorrow, 2 weeks later

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Congrats, Foxx!
:D

I'm always hesitant about asking at the end if they'd be interested in a second date, because I feel like I'm making them uncomfortable by putting them on the spot if they want to say no.

I feel better about the whole "duping" thing, because there wasn't any intent of deceit and the app messed up by showing incomplete profiles. Usually I pass on people with children just because I don't think I'm ready. I don't believe in fate, but if the opportunity shows itself, I will act as if fate were true. So despite me ordinarily passing on her, the weird circumstances that led us to match seems like what would be fate (does any of that even make sense? ).

Anyway, middle of the night panic kicked in. I remember she has her daughter again tomorrow. The whole time we've started talking is when she was daughter free (Sunday night we started talking).

I'm thinking I should definitely message her, but she'll probably be busy hanging with her daughter, so I shouldn't expect as much back and forth.

I also need more date ideas. Options seem limited since we're restricted to after work pretty much. I'm thinking an escape room would be fun, but I've never tried it and hope we don't just end up stuck.

Not sure how bowling would be. Mini Golf is outdoors here, so that's a no-go. There's indoor cart racing, but the track is so much smaller than the daytime course (plus, I'm not sure how that works since your only interaction is trying to dust the other person). Not sure how fun laser tag is with just two people (can we play with randoms there?). Movies definitely out of the question for now. I don't know if there's any ice skating rink, but I would like that. Maybe a dance, cooking, or painting class.

Man, I just need to research more. Also, need to get her opinion on beer. She seems like a non-beer person, so brewery might be out of the question.

Alright. I think I've cleared my thoughts. Time for bed again!
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I've got a gull problem >:(
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She said yes!
:D

Now to make plans.
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She wants to be Facebook friends.

Oh God. Why is my profile filled with so much Taylor Swift? I probably look like a fanatic.
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SpeedDemon20 posted...

She wants to be Facebook friends.

Oh God. Why is my profile filled with so much Taylor Swift? I probably look like a fanatic.

You can start hiding stuff...
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Ask her out again. She sounds like she was nervous but had a good time. Lol. An hide yo Facebook creeping.
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Confirmed going out next week for sure. We just have to work out what day and time. I left the TSwift stuff there because she'd find out eventually anyway. She likes TSwift too (though probably not as much as me).
:)

Also, I don't know why, but I've never gotten this many matches in a week before. I just got another one tonight, who "invited" me to start the chat (let's just get this out of the way; I'm using the dating app, Hinge). I kinda just left the match there without saying anything. I'm not sure if that is a good move, since there's a possibility it won't work out with the woman this topic is about.

I typically average a match per week, but I've gotten four this week. Maybe everyone was really bored labor day weekend. I have to say though, she definitely puts in the most effort out of everyone else.
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speaking of "Gale"... where's ma Digital Devil Saga HD remake!?
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What advice would you give to the guy who made this comic?

https://imgur.com/ldweZyD
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joemodda posted...

What advice would you give to the guy who made this comic?

https://imgur.com/ldweZyD

You can be happy without companionship, but it does sound like he grew up in a very toxic environment... that's the kind of racism like out of the 30s. I mean, millennials probably don't even know what Pearl Harbour was... even the movie!

Like, he's on the East Coast... does he live in racism town? He should move to, like, Toronto or something.
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That's a long ass comic. I can sympathize with most of it. I'm commenting as I read along.

I don't believe his high school bit of girls giving him the "cold shoulder." It was way too generalized and only shown from his perspective (he could just be imagining the "cold shoulder" treatment). I can't trust his account of these interactions.

The scene where he is in bed thinking about his sad love life and why girls don't give him a chance seems typical. I'd believe that. I wouldn't waste my time with those thoughts, but I understand it. It sounds like his brother took the introductory Asian American studies course. There's a chapter about the masculinity of Asian men being stripped because Americans felt threatened when Asian men immigrated and were becoming successful. That's basically when all the stereotypes began.

He goes back to interactions with women, and I see he's sort of trapped in this mentality. He talks about not being given a chance to even talk to them, but again, I don't trust his testimony. It sounds like he's forcing himself into these situations of trying to talk to them when he doesn't need to. In a social setting, there is usually some activity going on. Just do the activity. That basically previews to everyone what kind of person you are. If they see that you're fun, they'll definitely talk to you. I think this guy just has problems socializing (which I get; it can be a learning process for some).

He makes accusations about his coworkers not seeing him as an equal. I don't believe him. It's probably how he behaves. If he acts like he's a loser all the time, people will definitely look down on him. But I'm also sorta obnoxious IRL when I do something that my coworkers can't and that kinda establishes that I know more than them. They're always happy to come back with questions though.

I don't know if he knows, but dating apps is a numbers game. Most people just suck. The only reason I got this match is because she grew up in a very Vietnamese community, primarily speaks Vietnamese, and I understand the language. She would have communication issues otherwise, so she was not actively seeking other ethnicities (she went out with a Japanese guy, but it was the same communication issue she was having with non-Vietnamese people). During our date, she switched back and forth between English and Vietnamese. Initially, it was all English, but I noticed she was having trouble explaining some things. I told her to just speak Viet, that I'd understand, and respond in English. I don't know if that tricks her brain in any way, but I'm personally used to it (my brain translates Vietnamese no problem, but it can't go the other way: from English to Vietnamese. So I can't speak Vietnamese to her). She seemed way more comfortable afterwards.

Okay, back to the comic. It seems like a total waste of time to constantly think about having an SO (I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE UNDERSTANDS THE IMPLICATIONS OF HAVING ONE). Like he's gonna get one one day, AND THEN HE'LL HATE IT. Crap is gonna occur that he never even thought about because he never went past the idea of just having an SO. He is playing 1D chess, while everyone else is playing 2D. He needs to get more analytical about his approach. He can't be using the same one over and over (like the saying goes... the definition of insanity is...).

He's mad at his coworkers again. I agree with them. Race isn't a strong enough reason and that is all he is pinning it on.

Parents asking about grandchildren sounds standard. People suck etc.

Yeah, I feel like he's playing the victim card a lot. It sounds like he's focusing his life too much on finding a woman rather than himself and pinning his problems on society and its view of Asian men.

My advice would be to stop generalizing every failure. Strategize. Focus on himself more.
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SpeedDemon20 posted...

let's just get this out of the way; I'm using the dating app, Hinge

Yeah that was clear from the profile situation (also using Hinge)

SpeedDemon20 posted...

I typically average a match per week, but I've gotten four this week. Maybe everyone was really bored labor day weekend. I have to say though, she definitely puts in the most effort out of everyone else.

It's also the time of year many people are coupling up

It's up to you if you want to message them. There's no guarantee it will work, but you also don't have to reply or match right away. This summer I've had 10 first dates, 3 that went to date 2, 2 that went beyond, and only 1 that I'm interested in still seeing. That took months and so many tedious conversations but it was experience and coffee at least

I lined up the first date with this fellow at a time when I had a third date scheduled with another. Wasn't feeling the effort from him. That third date fell through, and I was super pleasantly surprised with this guy (who was out of my age range and I initially passed on him but hinge kept showing him and he matched me)

At this point I've muted the app. I'm not interested in investing the time in anyone else right now. Effort goes a long way

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SpeedDemon20 posted...

Also, I don't know why, but I've never gotten this many matches in a week before. I just got another one tonight, who "invited" me to start the chat (let's just get this out of the way; I'm using the dating app, Hinge). I kinda just left the match there without saying anything. I'm not sure if that is a good move, since there's a possibility it won't work out with the woman this topic is about.

You can answer. But be wary of her friends trying to test if you're a creep by laying out bait. If ya wanna keep your options open be cordial to the others.
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LOL, I don't think anyone would have their friends do that. And if they do, that's an easy bullet dodge.
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SpeedDemon20 posted...

LOL, I don't think anyone would have their friends do that. And if they do, that's an easy bullet dodge.

Youd be surprised...
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Well, this new match does have the same last name as her...
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