Current Events > My fiancé's mom is taking money out of her account again

(+) Yeah! (+)

Some of you might remember me bringing this up before.

My fianc has used the same bank since she was a teen, so her mom has always had access to her finances.

Last year, she got a really big raise, and started making 50k a year. (From 30k)

My fianc has two siblings. Both older. Older brother took over the family business... Old sister is a heroin addict with two kids that she cant provide for. So her and her two kids live at home with their parents.

Her parents are both retired, and essentially have 5 mouths to feed.

She sees that my fianc has disposable income now, and essentially feels entitled to it.

Usually shell at least ask before taking, but sometime she just texts her afterwards.

This morning she asked for more than ever before, $750. If she gives/lends it to her, shell have given them $2000, and gotten about $400 back.

Fucking wild tbh
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Tell her to go the bank and have the account changed. It will take no more than 15 minutes. There's no reason for her mom to be on the account.
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Yeah there's really no reason for her mom to still have access, and with you marrying this woman it becomes your problem too
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Fiance?

Dude. Think long and hard before you officially tie the knot.

It's her family and they will be a burden on you either way.

If she cant put her foot down and say no, then her parents and sister will be down her and your throat for the rest of your life.

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When does it stop though? Theres no end in sight
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/r/raisedbynarcissists
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When you tell your (future) wife it either needs to stop or you walk.

Dont allow yourself to be miserable if your wife feels the need to not take care of the situation with her family.

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lww99 posted...

When does it stop though? Theres no end in sight

well first thing first is getting her own bank account
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if your fiance wants to give her mom money thats her choice

but you do need to talk about this with her b/c as soon as you are married you are sharing your incomes
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chrono625 posted...

Fiance?

Dude. Think long and hard before you officially tie the knot.

It's her family and they will be a burden on you either way.

If she cant put her foot down and say no, then her parents and sister will be down her and your throat for the rest of your life.

Its hard for me to speak up right now for two reasons

So far, its been entirely her money. She still has paid her half of our bills, and our lives havent changed due to her helping out.

I could also see her family getting shitty about it. Maybe even cutting contact. From their perspective, she has all this extra money but would rather watch them starve than help out.
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lww99 posted...

So far, its been entirely her money. She still has paid her half of our bills, and our lives havent changed due to her helping out.

It's not really "helping out" when it's literally stolen from you.

lww99 posted...

I could also see her family getting shitty about it. Maybe even cutting contact.

Broke people aren't going to cut off contact from a free source of income. They might get mad and try to guilt trip her, but I doubt it would be cutting off. And if they do actually cut her off.....what's that say about their relationship and how they view her?

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lww99 posted...

So far, its been entirely her money. She still has paid her half of our bills, and our lives havent changed due to her helping out.

You said the amounts are getting higher and they haven't paid back anywhere close to full.

The longer your wife let's it go on, the more they will take.

And I understand its your wives income. But that doesnt mean its OK for them to take it without asking and accessing her account. Especially if it's for her heroin addict sister.

I can guarantee at some point this will get worse and you dont want to deal with it once you guys are officially married.

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lww99 posted...

chrono625 posted...

Fiance?

Dude. Think long and hard before you officially tie the knot.

It's her family and they will be a burden on you either way.

If she cant put her foot down and say no, then her parents and sister will be down her and your throat for the rest of your life.

Its hard for me to speak up right now for two reasons

So far, its been entirely her money. She still has paid her half of our bills, and our lives havent changed due to her helping out.

I could also see her family getting shitty about it. Maybe even cutting contact. From their perspective, she has all this extra money but would rather watch them starve than help out.

Well, you either speak up now or speak up after you're married. And if you wait until after you're married and find out she won't stand up to her family, then the problem becomes much harder to solve
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Its not like Ive had my mouth closed about it. Im just not giving her an ultimatum
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In the future her family will become burden
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Can't they mooch off your fiance brother instead
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inTaCtfuL posted...

Can't they mooch off your fiance brother instead

Im not sure if he contributes or not

I know he took over the family business, and at one point, was giving them money because it was their business prior.

But I have a feeling that may have stopped, especially considering how much they enable the sister
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So once her family drains her of money, will you be giving her parents access to your bank account?
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No. And weve already established that if/when we get married, we will have our own acct. completely separate from them.
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eston posted...

Yeah there's really no reason for her mom to still have access, and with you marrying this woman it becomes your problem too

This.
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Until they pressure her enough to give them access.

You both need seperate accounts, even when you get hitched. She's shown she can be manipulated easily by her family to act as their personal ATM. Don't get sucked into that pandora's box.
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lww99 posted...

No. And weve already established that if/when we get married, we will have our own acct. completely separate from them.

You live together and she's your fiance, you already should. Don't wait until the marriage is official to transition from bf/gf to married. You two should already be looking at your two incomes as one.

pogo_rabid posted...

You both need seperate accounts, even when you get hitched. She's shown she can be manipulated easily by her family to act as their personal ATM. Don't get sucked into that pandora's box.

Damn this is a good point.
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BlazinBlue88 posted...

lww99 posted...

No. And weve already established that if/when we get married, we will have our own acct. completely separate from them.

You live together and she's your fiance, you already should. Don't wait until the marriage is official to transition from bf/gf to married. You two should already be looking at your two incomes as one.

pogo_rabid posted...

You both need seperate accounts, even when you get hitched. She's shown she can be manipulated easily by her family to act as their personal ATM. Don't get sucked into that pandora's box.

Damn this is a good point.

Eh our finances are pretty good right now. Like we pay an even amount on all of our bills. I dont need to ask the exact dollar amount she has in her account. Or if she buys shoes/make up, I dont feel the need to ask how much she spent.

Its really just her family thats the problem.
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lww99 posted...

Eh our finances are pretty good right now. Like we pay an even amount on all of our bills. I dont need to ask the exact dollar amount she has in her account. Or if she buys shoes/make up, I dont feel the need to ask how much she spent.

That's not really what I'm saying. I bring in 80% of the income in my marriage. I don't give two shits if my wife goes out and spends $100 on stuff. I don't need to keep up with it. Giving someone $750 though would cross over into, hey this is a good bit of money and we should both be aware and in agreement on it.

No you don't need an itemized cost report on what your partner spends but at the same time, you two will need to save money for your future life together. If she is over there just throwing away a chunk of her money every month or so then it will become a major issue unless you start budgeting with only your income in mind.
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Oh I just remembered they have assets

Years ago, they invested thousands of USD into Iraqi Dinar because they were sure it was going to sky rocket in value. This was in 2009.

The current exchange rate is $1=.00084
Good luck with that
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Whether or not you two have separated accounts, she needs to financially cut them off. The two of you getting married will only embolden her family take more. And if she doesn't put a stop to it now, there will come a time where they take so much that you have to cover her half of the bills. So you will be paying regardless of the arrangement of your checking accounts.
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lww99 posted...

Oh I just remembered they have assets

Years ago, they invested thousands of USD into Iraqi Dinar because they were sure it was going to sky rocket in value. This was in 2009.

The current exchange rate is $1=.00084
Good luck with that

Oh they're complete fucking morons.

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Drpooplol posted...

lww99 posted...

Oh I just remembered they have assets

Years ago, they invested thousands of USD into Iraqi Dinar because they were sure it was going to sky rocket in value. This was in 2009.

The current exchange rate is $1=.00084
Good luck with that

Oh they're complete fucking morons.

Theyre still hopeful too. Once it revalues, well help out with your wedding!
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lww99 posted...

When does it stop though? Theres no end in sight

It stops when the account is changed, and that's the end of that. It's not rocket science or even high school science. If she's unwilling to change it there's nothing you can do.
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BlazinBlue88 posted...

That's not really what I'm saying. I bring in 80% of the income in my marriage. I don't give two shits if my wife goes out and spends $100 on stuff. I don't need to keep up with it. Giving someone $750 though would cross over into, hey this is a good bit of money and we should both be aware and in agreement on it.

No you don't need an itemized cost report on what your partner spends but at the same time, you two will need to save money for your future life together. If she is over there just throwing away a chunk of her money every month or so then it will become a major issue unless you start budgeting with only your income in mind.

Yeah dude. My wife and I both work. We dont make big purchases without notifying one another even if it's with our money. Sometimes I'm glad I do because my wife can be the voice of reason at times and so can I. Especially having a kid now.

$750 isnt a paltry amount.

That's part of the marriage and arrangement of trust and openness.

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She let her borrow it and is apparently going to close the account, after being paid back.
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lww99 posted...

When does it stop though? Theres no end in sight

This is what enabling feels like. Your fianc needs to deal with it, or it will continue.

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definitely don't merge accounts until after they are cut loose
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Oh for sure. I feel bad for their family, but the responsibility shouldnt fall on their youngest kid.

Sackgurl posted...

definitely don't merge accounts until after they are cut loose

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