Current Events > Having a rough day

(+) Yeah! (+)

Youll get through this, TC. Were all here for you. Even if this dont go the way you are hoping, youll come out of this as a much better and stronger person. Dont lose hope, though. As long as youre alive, you can change things for the better.

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Woman (and wife) here, and honestly? She sounds kinda not worth it. Too needy and not supportive of you.

Take care of yourself because you can control only you. Be good to yourself first, and if its meant to be, it will work out. If not, then continue to be good to yourself and move on.

Im glad your therapist fit you in and that it helped. Dont let yourself go into that dark place.

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Sorry I'm not the best person to listen to at the moment

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The_Scarecrow posted...

Youll get through this, TC. Were all here for you. Even if this dont go the way you are hoping, youll come out of this as a much better and stronger person. Dont lose hope, though. As long as youre alive, you can change things for the better.

Thanks bro! Things will be ok.

Sariana21 posted...

Woman (and wife) here, and honestly? She sounds kinda not worth it. Too needy and not supportive of you.

Take care of yourself because you can control only you. Be good to yourself first, and if its meant to be, it will work out. If not, then continue to be good to yourself and move on.

Im glad your therapist fit you in and that it helped. Dont let yourself go into that dark place.

She was extremely supportive, i just let her down for a while, i didnt reciprocate all the time when it came to being supportive - trust me, i needed to go to therapy - unfortunately it seems it was too late to save things. I had tried 3 times over my life (only once aside from this time in the relationship) to see counselors and it never really worked. They didnt pry and prod to get down to my issues as much as id hoped... the good news is that i am getting a lot out of it this time. Its hard to stay away from the dark place and its ok to wallow a bit, but i wont get sucked in. I have great support from people around me

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inloveanddeath0 posted...

Sorry I'm not the best person to listen to at the moment

Thats alright, everything ok with you?

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J03can posted...

Thats alright, everything ok with you?

Nah man,but that's not for today

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inloveanddeath0 posted...

Nah man,but that's not for today

Well i hope things turn around for you

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TC, you sound like a good person. I hope things turn around for you soon.

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Sariana21 posted...

TC, you sound like a good person. I hope things turn around for you soon.

Thank you. I try to be but sometimes the people closest to me get a pretty shitty person.

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I'd say let the separation happen but don't rush towards a divorce. You'll have to see if the time apart brings her back to you or not.

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MrResetti posted...

I'd say let the separation happen but don't rush towards a divorce. You'll have to see if the time apart brings her back to you or not.

Thats the plan. Man is that going to be difficult though. Its only been under 2 weeks and its already near impossible.

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This is all kinds of suckage, TC. Many men can relate. We can get comfortable and complacent in a relationship. Next thing we know, she's already moved on in her head, but still there physically because of habit/routine.

It coulda started years ago, with little things that you used to do, but stopped doing for one reason or another.

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The best way to win her back is to let her go and live your best. Hit the gym, buy yourself a new set of clothes, get a hair cut, etc. Be your best version. Dont beg her to come back but make her want to. If it doesnt work, then at least youve worked on yourself and can move on.

Dyinglegacy posted...

This is all kinds of suckage, TC. Many men can relate. We can get comfortable and complacent in a relationship. Next thing we know, she's already moved on in her head, but still there physically because of habit/routine.

It coulda started years ago, with little things that you used to do, but stopped doing for one reason or another.

This same thing happened about 4 years ago, to a lesser exent - she didnt move out - but we were "broke up" for a month. I promised her it wouldnt happen again and she took me back. She says this time she cant trust me - i dont blame her. I tell her im breaking the cycle by being in therapy to figure this out.

Cleo_II posted...

The best way to win her back is to let her go and live your best. Hit the gym, buy yourself a new set of clothes, get a hair cut, etc. Be your best version. Dont beg her to come back but make her want to. If it doesnt work, then at least youve worked on yourself and can move on.

This is my mindset and i hope it works to get her back. But youre right that if she doesnt, ill be a better person going forward, albiet broken

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Honestly waking up in the morning is the worst. When that realization of the situation comes back, its crippling.

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Anybody know of an easy way to save topics? Id like to be able to go back and read this

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J03can posted...

Anybody know of an easy way to save topics? Id like to be able to go back and read this

I don't know, but here's a bump for you to keep it alive longer.

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Im sorry TC. Work on yourself in the meantime.

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Since CE doesn't archive, your best bet for it would be screenshots of what you wish to preserve. It's not ideal, but at least it's yours if that's what you wish.

But rather than looking back, look forward. Take the advice and good wishes and let it go if it does (the topic.) Do what you need to do.

I do understand keeping the encouraging messages to read in down moments to keep you going tho. Knowing others are there helps, you'll get through this. I wish you the best in your struggle, I hope things work out

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I've been more or less in your shoes TC. The anxiety in your heart is destructive and it makes you feel terrible. You go to work and accomplish nothing because you are just thinking about the relationship. I don't have a solution for you unfortunately because the only thing that healed me was time. Eventually I guess you have to decide when stitching the tears isn't working and you have to move on. I know that is extremely painful to hear and I would only ever hope that you and your wife could find resolution, but I also don't want you to put your expectations into something that may be impossible. However, you were together for 12 years before being married so I have to believe there is something there for you guys to equilibriate on. There needs to be a dialogue though and it sounds like they doesn't want to give you that. Fight as hard as you can but don't lose your spirit in the battle. Keep your chin up and I hope you find peace.

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Thanks everyone.
Seems like these days are all going to be rough from here out. I worked from home today, there wasnt much to do. I went and got catfood, then drove 45 mins to a store to buy a glass pipe for my wife.
Over the summer we were camping and she had this glass pipe shaped like an elephant in a bag. We went canoeing to a rocky island and once we got there, i threw the bag to her, forgetting the glass pipe was in there. It smashed and we were both really bummed out.
I told her i would replace it and kept forgetting... again, the neglect...
I decided to drive out and replace it today. I really dont think this will effect her decision, but i feel it was the right thing to replace it.

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Ive been up since 8 but havent been able to leave my bed other than to feed the cats and use the bathroom.
I dont know what to do or how to get through this. I havent had any contact with my wife since Thursday and even then it was just to tell her that i was out of the house.
I am trying to give her space and one of the ways i can show her ive changed is by respecting that and not smothering her.

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You like cats? Okay, is there an animal shelter or something nearby that could use a volunteer? You need to get out of your bed, and that is a great excuse to get out there and do some good in the world. And it would be good for you too.

You cannot allow one person to have this kind of power over you. And you HAVE to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Maybe you neglected her; maybe you didn't. But you can be responsible only for yourself.

Getting the glass pipe (whatever that is??) was a sweet idea. Did you give it to her already, or are you planning to give it to her for Christmas (sorry, I'm assuming you celebrate--I apologize if you don't).

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Sariana21 posted...

You like cats? Okay, is there an animal shelter or something nearby that could use a volunteer? You need to get out of your bed, and that is a great excuse to get out there and do some good in the world. And it would be good for you too.

You cannot allow one person to have this kind of power over you. And you HAVE to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Maybe you neglected her; maybe you didn't. But you can be responsible only for yourself.

Getting the glass pipe (whatever that is??) was a sweet idea. Did you give it to her already, or are you planning to give it to her for Christmas (sorry, I'm assuming you celebrate--I apologize if you don't).

No worries, yes i do generally celebrate christmas but im not religious.
I put it in the spare bedroom where she did her makeup with note saying "sorry it took me so long to get this, i love you".
Youre right with needing to get out, and thats a great idea, i just cant bring myself to be around anyone.
I train at a pro wrestling gym, so ive been going in on weeknights to hang out - i havent been working out because im not eating much and i dont feel safe. I am also the ring announcer. Last weekend we did 2 shows (one Friday night and one Saturday). That was good to get my mind off of things and be around great supportive people. Unfortunately this weekend there is nothing going on.
I think of what i would be doing if it was a "normal" weekend and really id be sitting on the couch playing video games or watching something, which is the last thing i want to do. On a normal weekend my wife might stay home or might go out with friends, but i was usually content with being home.
Btw the glass pipe is for smoking pot. It is legal where we are. I used to smoke habitually but havent touched it in around 10 years.

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I decided to go out to get some vegetables and cat litter. I stopped in at a burrito place and got a burrito. While sitting here, she texted me asking for the next time she can come sleep at home and me not be there is.
I told her i dont know, its tough on a weeknight. I told her i am sad. She wasnt answering and i pushed - i said "can you please acknowledge what i said", she said she doesnt want to be mean. She then said shes not sad, shes happy with her decision and is not coming back.
My dudes, im crushed. Feeling numb, sitting in the burrito place alone. I dont know what im going to do

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J03can posted...

I decided to go out to get some vegetables and cat litter. I stopped in at a burrito place and got a burrito. While sitting here, she texted me asking for the next time she can come sleep at home and me not be there is.
I told her i dont know, its tough on a weeknight. I told her i am sad. She wasnt answering and i pushed - i said "can you please acknowledge what i said", she said she doesnt want to be mean. She then said shes not sad, shes happy with her decision and is not coming back.
My dudes, im crushed. Feeling numb, sitting in the burrito place alone. I dont know what im going to do

Dont let her back into the house, at least not under those circumstances. If you have questions, talk to a lawyer because I'm pretty sure it could be difficult to legally have her vacate the premises if you allowed her to keep staying there. That could get ugly real fast, so you need to think clearly and protect yourself.

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have you tried petting your dog? science says pets relax people

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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Dont let her back into the house, at least not under those circumstances. If you have questions, talk to a lawyer because I'm pretty sure it could be difficult to legally have her vacate the premises if you allowed her to keep staying there. That could get ugly real fast, so you need to think clearly and protect yourself.

I called a few lawyers on friday and left messages. I hope i will hear from at least one of them on monday. As for the house, we will be selling it, neither of us could afford to buy it out from the other, or continue to make payments on our own.
Right now it looks like i will stay in the house, she will rent someplace and we will both continue to pay for both until we put the house on the market. We live in a very sought after neighborhood so we will make a consiserable amount of money off the house which we will split down the middle (hopefully)

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Wewillrocku posted...

have you tried petting your dog? science says pets relax people

Ive been spending a lot of time petting the cats.

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J03can posted...

I called a few lawyers on friday and left messages. I hope i will hear from at least one of them on monday. As for the house, we will be selling it, neither of us could afford to buy it out from the other, or continue to make payments on our own.
Right now it looks like i will stay in the house, she will rent someplace and we will both continue to pay for both until we put the house on the market. We live in a very sought after neighborhood so we will make a consiserable amount of money off the house which we will split down the middle (hopefully)

Ok, I believe that will will work out for the best, for both of you. Definitely get that legal counsel, so you can at least get some good, legitimate advice from people who deal with these situations all the time. From my experience, don't be intimidated and do not put this off. Talk to a lawyer as soon as you can. Don't think of it as giving up on the marriage either. Maybe your relationship will mend itself over time, but at least you will be approaching it with a level-headed view and not setting yourself up for extra harm. Things are already rough enough as it is.

Good luck, dude.

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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Ok, I believe that will will work out for the best, for both of you. Definitely get that legal counsel, so you can at least get some good, legitimate advice from people who deal with these situations all the time. From my experience, don't be intimidated and do not put this off. Talk to a lawyer as soon as you can. Don't think of it as giving up on the marriage either. Maybe your relationship will mend itself over time, but at least you will be approaching it with a level-headed view and not setting yourself up for extra harm. Things are already rough enough as it is.

Good luck, dude.

Thanks pal! I am trying to do this as level headed as possible. I love my wife but clearly ive hurt her (and i have) and she cant get past that. Thank you for your advice

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Time heals all, TC. May never be what it once was, but you've taken the first steps of acknowledgement in doing well for yourself. It seems that any reaching out to her wont result in anything beneficial. I know you want to, but you'll have to channel that need elsewhere. I'm sure your therapist has given you advice on that front.

Please, learn to love yourself first. Doesn't matter how the stars align, if you can't love yourself through this struggle, you'll never be able to love her the way you want to. If you're adamant about making everything about her, then think of it as if you love yourself, she'll see you as someone worth loving. But at the end of the day, look out for you. She may never come back, that doesn't mean you can't move forward.

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Blue_Dream87 posted...

Time heals all, TC. May never be what it once was, but you've taken the first steps of acknowledgement in doing well for yourself. It seems that any reaching out to her wont result in anything beneficial. I know you want to, but you'll have to channel that need elsewhere. I'm sure your therapist has given you advice on that front.

Please, learn to love yourself first. Doesn't matter how the stars align, if you can't love yourself through this struggle, you'll never be able to love her the way you want to. If you're adamant about making everything about her, then think of it as if you love yourself, she'll see you as someone worth loving. But at the end of the day, look out for you. She may never come back, that doesn't mean you can't move forward.

I know, and this is right. Ive never really loved myself or saw myself in a good light. I need to change that but i dont know how.
I have a lot of friends but in the past few years some have been getting into relationships of their own and having kids and i just dont want to bother them with this bullshit. Ive been in bed for the better part of 2 weeks now and it is hell, but i dont know what else to do. I make sure to leave the house for a couple hours a day at least, but other than simple errands, theres nothing to occupy my time. Everything reminds me of my wife. It just hurts so much that she isnt hurting, and just seems to be relieved.
I hate this guys. Honestly this topic on CE is really my only place to go right now....

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You don't know if she's hurting or not. She may be doing fine, she may have been hurting longer than you have, she may be hiding it to seem the stronger person. You can't make that call, and attempting to will only bring you down.

Loving yourself is a journey. I'm on it too but I like to think I'm on the right track. You gotta take care of yourself and the basics first: sleep, eat well, exercise. Those things will at least bring your baseline up, and are relatively straight forward. Ask your therapist to work on self-compassion, it's a whole thing that takes longer than some message board posts to describe. With friends, try to hang out with them. Do something fun with them, it'll help you out and I know parents will take any excuse to have a break from family shit.

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Blue_Dream87 posted...

You don't know if she's hurting or not. She may be doing fine, she may have been hurting longer than you have, she may be hiding it to seem the stronger person. You can't make that call, and attempting to will only bring you down.

Loving yourself is a journey. I'm on it too but I like to think I'm on the right track. You gotta take care of yourself and the basics first: sleep, eat well, exercise. Those things will at least bring your baseline up, and are relatively straight forward. Ask your therapist to work on self-compassion, it's a whole thing that takes longer than some message board posts to describe. With friends, try to hang out with them. Do something fun with them, it'll help you out and I know parents will take any excuse to have a break from family shit.

Shes been hurting for a while. I saw that when it was too late... and youre right, i shouldnt dwell on it, its just really hard.
Today i picked up some groceries, the plan is to do some meal prep for a few days so i can eat healthy and regularly - the past 2 weeks has mostly been 2 mcdonalds double cheeseburgers per day, sometimes a mcmuffin in the morning. I had a burrito today around 3 and am so gassy.
I will bring it up with him, thankfully i am able to see him tuesday, then monday the 23rd.
I will try to reach out to friends, but so far theyve been tied up with stuff... a lot of my close friends dont know this is happening yet

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Take all the applicable advice offered here and do your best. But I'd strongly advise the lawyer comment not get disregarded.

As shitty as it may sound, you don't know what's happening on the other side. Get a divorce attorney, get them up to speed on the situation. You needn't try to screw the other person, but you may need to protect yourself. Get yourself covered, just in case. It'll either be a waste, or money well spent.

Again, I wish you the best, and I hope you can work things out. But this will help should things not work out. It'll take some stress off, just knowing you're not behind the 8 ball. I'm sorry man

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I called 3 lawyers on Friday, left voicemails with each of them - i at least need a consultation to see my options.

Im still processing our conversation over text from yesterday where she said shes happy its over and shes not coming back. It hurts man. I just wish i could jump to a year from now. Time is moving so fucking slowly at the moment.

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Today has been the hardest so far, and im sure not even close to the hardest to come. Ive been texting with my brother a lot but i know hes busy. Im just being a burden.
Yesterday i bought vegetables with the intent on doing some positive meal prep today, but, when i opener the freezer to get some chicken to thaw, i saw things that she had bought in the past for us to eat. Memories started rushing back and ive been a basketcase ever since.
I did finish some of the laundry that i started on friday night which is a good thing, but i went out and got mcdonalds again which is going to really start fucking with me soon. I havent been eating a lot, but what i have been eating isnt exactly packed with good nutrition. I feel like im going to damage my organs...

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At least youre eating. Take things one day at a time. There will be bad days. There will be worse days. But eventually things will get better. Just focus on getting up and about today. One day at a time.

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Thanks. Thats what im trying. Some days are really fucking hard. This weekend was awful. Today wasnt too bad. I have some good people in my life.

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I saw my therapist this morning. I feel better this week than i did last week, but, i still feel pretty horrible.
Dreamed about my wife all night last night, in the context of she came home and we were working it out. Maaann the realization hit hard when i woke up and realized the real life situation.

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J03can posted...

I saw my therapist this morning. I feel better this week than i did last week, but, i still feel pretty horrible.
Dreamed about my wife all night last night, in the context of she came home and we were working it out. Maaann the realization hit hard when i woke up and realized the real life situation.

Something to remember TC

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQht2yOX9Js&t=124

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I appreciate that, but i cant get there right now. It is my fault. This is all my fault. So many times i could have made her feel wanted, so many times. It would have been so easy. She was so supportive...

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We met up tonight at a resturant to go over how the break will go. All things considered, we talked about larger items and fully agreed on all of it. We are going to try to do this with as little lawyer intervention as possible. As i said before, we make around the same so financially we are close anyways.

Seeing her though was so tough, shes steadfast that shes sticking to her decision. I know she doesnt hate me and that almost makes this harder emotionally. I wish we could have spent more time together.

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Im glad for you that this break seems to be going as smoothly as possible. It could be much worse, although Im sure you know that.

If you want this to hurt less, you should go out on a date. The more, the better. Honestly, its the only thing I know of that can get a guys mind off his ex in a relatively short amount of time.

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I appreciate the advice but i dont think im close to being ready. I havent dated in 12 years and really i didnt date much before my wife. I would have chance encounters that would turn into relationships - 1 long term and 1 short term (before my wife)... thats it...
I dont really know how to date.

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J03can posted...

I appreciate the advice but i dont think im close to being ready. I havent dated in 12 years and really i didnt date much before my wife. I would have chance encounters that would turn into relationships - 1 long term and 1 short term (before my wife)... thats it...
I dont really know how to date.

Yeah, I was thinking about that. The situation sucks. I still stand by the advice that meeting new people (Aka new women) is the only thing I believe will change your current, depressed view really fast, or at least faster than other methods.

You got got any friends, maybe women friends, who can introduce you to their friends?

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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Yeah, I was thinking about that. The situation sucks. I still stand by the advice that meeting new people (Aka new women) is the only thing I believe will change your current, depressed view really fast, or at least faster than other methods.

You got got any friends, maybe women friends, who can introduce you to their friends?

Yeah kind of, but not really here... and at this age, most of my friends are married or have kids and dont really have friends who need to be fixed up. But thats something ill get around. I dont have self esteem issues and i know people like to be around me and all that, so i know ill he alright. But im not ready to be out there dating, i dont think for a while.

I am going to hang with a really good friend tomorrow night, weve been buds since first grade. He lives an hour away, im going to stay over so my wife can have a night at our house. Im really looking forward to it, i havent spent time with a good friend since this blew up.

It was really nice to see my wife tonight. I know she still loves me, shes just so damn stubborn. I know shes not coming back, shes sticking to it this time.

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One day at a time.

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Honestly, I don't know that jumping right back into dating would be wise. Take some time, work on yourself first. This is a huge blow, don't bring that into a potential date. Get yourself into a good place with you before you try to bring in somebody new.

Once you're in a place where you've moved on and aren't hurting so much, that's a good time to look into starting new. By no means should you isolate yourself tho. Lean on your friends for support, make new friends, but don't just dive into a new relationship.

You'll get through this, just don't rush

Edit: sorry, your post 98 sounds like a good plan, you're doing right TC

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