Current Events > I hope I'm not the only one who thinks this situation is messed up.

(+) Yeah! (+)

My sister had a miscarriage and my family has not been handling the supporting part very well. They have said, what I think, to be some pretty awful things to her such as:

"God does everything for a reason. This is a part of His plan."
"It's not like you were going to take care of the baby anyways."
"You need to grow up."
"You said you didn't want the baby when you found out you were pregnant. Why are you upset?"
"Your mother was further along when she had a miscarriage. She had it much worse."
"It's not all about you. Stop being so selfish."
"Just stop being upset and angry."

She pretty much closed herself off from the family for now and it's not like I can blame her. Who the fuck says some of these things to someone who just had a miscarriage? I shouldn't be surprised considering what was said to me last year about what I dealt with. It's still very upsetting to me at least.

---

The other people have it worse consolation is so shit.

---

Lame. How long ago was her miscarriage?

---

First, really sorry that she had a miscarriage. That can be really heartbreaking.

Second, Christ the family is tone deaf. Those comments are awful.

---

The first isn't awful dependent on the known beliefs of the parties, but what the hell at the rest.

---

Lost_All_Senses posted...

Lame. How long ago was her miscarriage?

It's been about 10 days. It doesn't help that her job involves working with babies at a hospital so it's a constant reminder.

---

Wow

---

Sounds like she lost a child she didn't want and didn't have the means to take care of, but that's not something you point out to someone still grieving through a miscarriage. And probably ever, there's no upside to trying to spin a positive out of a lost child.

---

The_Scarecrow posted...

It's been about 10 days. It doesn't help that her job involves working with babies at a hospital so it's a constant reminder.

Holy fuck, that is so fresh. Yeah, they're being huge assholes. If it had been like a year, it would of still been a terrible way to go about it, but it would of been at least kind of understandable. Tho
Squall28 posted...

The other people have it worse consolation is so shit.

This in the end. Granted, I do this method at times, hell, I did it yesterday in a pm. But that was in an attempt to try and help someone see their blessings. Not so that they "stop making it about them". And after only 10 days of an event that can leave someone with trauma....fuck

---

I may have to talk to them and tell them what's wrong with these comments. I doubt they'll listen but I can certainly try for my sister. I attempted once the other night with my mother but she became angry and said "It doesn't matter if what I say is right or wrong. I'll say what I want and she'll hear it regardless of if she wants to or not". Maybe I will point out what's wrong with making these comments and give examples. Then, try to ask them how they would feel if someone said similar words to them in other circumstances.

If that doesn't work, then I'm not sure how to proceed but I cannot stand listening to this any longer.

---

I've cut off a family member for being less vile than that, so she made the right call imo.
---

Squall28 posted...

The other people have it worse consolation is so shit.

In this situation yes, but not always

---

Conflict posted...

No, that shit is absolutely awful. "God killed your baby for a reason"

Fuck outta here with that shit.

A lot of people use God as a source to give reason/hope to tragedy. When they try to do that for others, they're hoping it relieves them of some of the pain they're feeling. Thinking that's always sad in bad faith is just believing all religious people are assholes and pessimistic.

For instance this rap lyric

"A mother lost her child, I tried to ease her pain. She said "It's God's will" I said "I felt the same""

However, given the rest of what was said. It could of been used as a manipulation tool here to just get her to stop talking.


---

No offense but those people are trash and your sister probably needs to cut them off for awhile. At least she has you

---

Conflict posted...

No, that shit is absolutely awful. "God killed your baby for a reason"

Fuck outta here with that shit.

Proving still again you rarely have nothing of value to add to any discussion. Maybe that your own advice.

My wife had two before we had our first son was successfully conceived. And yeah it can be difficult thing to get past. For one being that baby is conceived and grown inside of the woman many feel an almost immediate connection to the life inside them. So while, in my wifes case with both it was like 4-6 weeks iirc but she had already formed a bond both times. Something that might seem difficult for others to grasp. But empathy and kindness and understanding should always be given to a grieving mother.

My mother had a stillborn. Would have been my oldest sister if she had survived. And know its still difficult for mom to talk about 40 plus years later.

---

Lost_All_Senses posted...

username checks out

Conflict posted...

Yeah that never works

Hell, the "if I can do it, you can" line doesn't work either, because it comes off as devaluing someone's problems even though I can totally understand what the intent was.

Yeah. The person actually stopped replying to me and made a topic about it instead lol. Made my effort feel pointless but oh well. And it's hard for me not to seem like Im devaluing other peoples depression when I'm on the other side of my worst. I dunno how not to try to use "It got easier for me, so it's possible for you". I want that to be true when I say it, but in their state it's completely reasonable for them to see it as me being dismissive.

Plus, they can also devalue what I went through and see it as me getting over a much less dramatic version of what they're currently going through.

---

Smackems posted...

In this situation yes, but not always

It really is a case by case basis. Sometimes that line is viable to say, sometimes not.

If it's a person who's always bitching and moaning about how hard they have it, even though they don't actually have it that bad, that line can be tempting to say.

If it's someone who JUST now went through some sort of tragedy, then yeah, it's a prick thing to say to them. Example:

Person 1: I just lost my entire family in a house fire.

Person 2: Meh, other people have it worse.

---

The_Scarecrow posted...

"You said you didn't want the baby when you found out you were pregnant. Why are you upset?"

The rest are pretty bad, but I have to say that this is a valid question to ask of somebody who openly expressed that they did not want to have the baby and has not at any point since then expressed changing their mind about it and deciding they do want it. The timing was probably not tactful, but it's a fair question to ask.

Conflict posted...

Yeah you generally just can't things like that. I was looking at a list of things to try to say and things to try not to say towards a suicidal person and I figure that can be useful

You generally want to avoid "it gets better" in general, because it's really difficult to gauge whether that's actually true or not, and there's also people that have been told that only to find that it didn't actually get better

One I've been trying out is "If it didn't convince you everything was hopeless, it wouldn't be depression. The whole point of depression is that it convinces you that things are hopeless even if they're not" but honestly, I have no idea if that has any value. It probably doesn't cause it reads like nonsense and probably isn't well articulated.

The thing is, once you've been depressed and got somewhat better. The last thing you want to do is empathize with others dealing with depression too much and get yourself dragged back in. So, especially when someone seems very resistant to being conselled, you think "Why the hell am I gonna chance falling back into the pit, just for them to not even try". So, you gotta kind of gotta turn down your empathy to be able to maintain relationships. Or maybe Im just self centered and don't care as much as I once thought I did, who knows. I sure don't anymore.

---

Tenlaar posted...

The rest are pretty bad, but I have to say that this is a valid question to ask of somebody who openly expressed that they did not want to have the baby and has not at any point since then expressed changing their mind about it and deciding they do want it. The timing was probably not tactful, but it's a fair question to ask.

Because they just had another human or (Or fetus, whichever you prefer) die inside their stomach. Just because they didn't want to keep the child doesn't mean they are okay with it dying.

---

---