Current Events > I asked out a good friend of mine. She said no. It really sucks. *BlogFAQs*

(+) Yeah! (+)

Background: I had a friend who I met at work. We got along super well. Started hanging out on the regular and had near constant daily correspondence. Despite this I had a fairly direct supervisory role over her so there was no shot of any relationship and that was fine for a long time. The COVID hit and during quarantine we grew even closer and some feelings started creeping in that I largely suppressed because of the work situation. In May a job offer fell into my lap that I could pass up so by June I had a new job. Then I gave myself a few more weeks to get a grip on my attraction, to make sure it wasn't just some unattainable workplace crush.

Well I asked her out this weekend and got a no. Which obviously sucks because I really liked her and we got along extremely well. So the typical rejection heartbreak stuff is super prevalent. What I didn't expect to suck as much is the friendship vacuum it just created. This is a person I was talking to non-stop for months. We would message each other when board, saw something funny, etc. and now that is currently just gone. I don't plan on severing our relationship but right now I am taking time off to re-evaluate stuff between us. If we just went back 'to normal' I'd be torturing myself with a one-sided crush.

Nightmare Mode: She had texted me something right before I asked her out. I didn't get a chance to read the message until after the act was done. She was basically asking if my younger brother (who she barely knows and frequently mistaken for my twin) was seeing anyone.

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Women are weird

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I really enjoyed Nightmare Mode.

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Youre in Friendzone dude just move on

Gheb posted...

Nightmare Mode: She had texted me something right before I asked her out. I didn't get a chance to read the message until after the act was done. She was basically asking if my younger brother (who she barely knows and frequently mistaken for my twin) was seeing anyone.

Bruh

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Good on you for waiting until your job situation changed at least. Very respectful and mature way to do it honestly.

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Let this be a lesson to you, trying is the first step towards failure.

FursonaNonGrata posted...

Good on you for waiting until your job situation changed at least. Very respectful and mature way to do it honestly.

yeah, my Ex who was my manager looked up my number through the work and asked me out through text.

What a fucking dumpster fire of a relationship that turned into

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Don't ask a woman friend out until she is pretty much throwing herself at you.

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Poop2 posted...

Youre in Friendzone dude just move on

This. She probably also feels a bit weird or something after you asked her out hence the limited msges from her now. Maybe in time she will start doing it again. Maybe she felt she led you on when that wasn't her attention.

The best thing you did was ask her out better to try than not to. In time you'll find someone better for you.

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CalypsoDoom posted...

yeah its really horrid to have friends

thats not what friendzone is

FursonaNonGrata posted...

Good on you for waiting until your job situation changed at least. Very respectful and mature way to do it honestly.

Oh that was never going to be a question. I was a direct manager and had direct control of her performance evaluation on top of just being her go to person for any work/office and later personal questions she wasn't comfortable asking others. There was no situation where I could ask her out that wouldn't be deeply unethical and unfair to her, even if I was positive she reciprocated the feelings.

That said, I wouldn't be shocked if our borderline mentor/mentee relationship wasn't a problem after leaving. I somehow blindsided her with my telling her that I was interested in her (if she had any clue I had feelings for her, she would never have asked about my brother).

And I don't regret asking her out, because the idea of sitting there with an unexpressed crush would be miserable. Likewise most of the people who knew us both and I've told about it are mostly shocked because half of them thought we are already just secretly dating. So I know it wasn't a hopeless ask.

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I'm sorry, dude. Hope you manage to bounce back and move on!

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You did extremely well TC. Time will heal the pain. Hopefully the friendship bond continues and if it does and your feelings are in the way maybe best to communicate less with her though you seem mature enough not to let that get to you.

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CalypsoDoom posted...

yeah its really horrid to have friends

Poop2 posted...

thats not what friendzone is

This. The friendzone is when one person is in a state of unrequited infatuation with someone they hang out with. If there's no attraction, then yes, they're friends. But continuing to hang out with them doesn't make the feeling go away, and it isn't really friendship, especially since spending more time around them just makes it feel worse.

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the dynamic not right at all

consider ghosting

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Hayame Zero posted...

This. The friendzone is when one person is in a state of unrequited infatuation with someone they hang out with. If there's no attraction, then yes, they're friends. But continuing to hang out with them doesn't make the feeling go away, and it isn't really friendship, especially since spending more time around them just makes it feel worse.

yeah, its not healthy.

TC actually shot his shot, and he's glad he did. That's something.

Definitely, reevaluate and see if the crush was the only reason you ended up becoming so close. If not, then severing everything is a little awful. If it was though, that's just gonna get ugly fast for everyone.

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TheMikh posted...

the dynamic not right at all

consider ghosting

eh, id at least tell her why you are gonna ghost. Ive been in a situation similar to TC and ended up in a relationship with her like 8 years later cause i was honest about not being able to be friends with her anymore

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She probably just can't see it. Solve that problem by photoshopping the two of you in some sort of sexual act. Once she sees and subsequently pleasures herself to that, you'll definitely be out of the friend zone.

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solosnake posted...

eh, id at least tell her why you are gonna ghost. Ive been in a situation similar to TC and ended up in a relationship with her like 8 years later cause i was honest about not being able to be friends with her anymore

Depends. My female friend got really mad when she met a guy, he asked her out, she said no, then he told her he didn't want to be friends. Then I told her she wasn't entitled to his friendship she exploded lol

She's someone who's otherwise got a sensible head on her shoulders, so that was surprising, to say the least

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When you ghost or break all contact with someone typically you don't tell them. You just do it lol.

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mattymad posted...

Friendzone doesn't exist

LMAO OK dude

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gunplagirl posted...

TC actually shot his shot, and he's glad he did. That's something.

Definitely, reevaluate and see if the crush was the only reason you ended up becoming so close. If not, then severing everything is a little awful. If it was though, that's just gonna get ugly fast for everyone.

It definitely isn't the only reason we were close. In fact most of the relationship was me trying to keep a longer arms length because I felt even our friendship borderlined on unprofessional given our professional roles. She truly is a genuine friend.

But I am taking time with no contact. But I told her after she said no that I was going to so this isn't coming as a surprise to her.

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You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. Sooner or later, you're going to have to cut contact. The sooner, the better.

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An_Actual_Chad posted...

You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. Sooner or later, you're going to have to cut contact. The sooner, the better.

This. If you still have feelings once you guys start talking again best to move on completely. She might get mad about it, but it's overall for the better. Maybe in a few months or years you can both be just friends again especially if you have a gf by then.

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I have this trait where I get over women quickly and I thank God every day for this ability.

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dr_strangelove posted...

Re nightmare mode - it was unfortunate that you missed the text. So from her point of view, she admitted she liked your brother and then right away you asked her out. That would have seemed strange to her. I think if you haven't already, at least mention you missed that text. If she really is interested in brother, and nothing comes of that, she might reconsider your interest in her especially if the friendship was strong. I'm just saying that's how I'd think, could be wrong - so hard to predict these things.

Oh the message was shown and unread so she knows that much. The worst part of nightmare mode there is that the biggest difference between my brother and I is that I'm more socially well-rounded. Otherwise we look the same and generally act similar so. There is this lingering question of "why are you interested in a pallet-swap of me that you barely know?"

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You may be overall better than your brother, but people like others based on their own feelings. You could be a millionaire and she could easily pick a guy working a min wage job.

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Austin_Era_II posted...

You may be overall better than your brother, but people like others based on their own feelings. You could be a millionaire and she could easily pick a guy working a min wage job.

Oh I know that, its just a little extra salt in my wounds.

Also, any relationship they would have would fall apart the second she realized how much of his time was spent playing Fire Emblem Heroes while watching Kpop videos in the basement.

Not that it matters she would never go for him now.

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Ooof. That hurts me to read that. Unrequited love/romantic interest is the worst emotional torture pretty much ever. If you already have self esteem issues, it can crush you. I wish no one had to go through that.

I'm sorry, man. I hope you find someone and I hope this doesn't hurt you for too long.

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Dyinglegacy posted...

Ooof. That hurts me to read that. Unrequited love/romantic interest is the worst emotional torture pretty much ever. If you already have self esteem issues, it can crush you. I wish no one had to go through that.

I'm sorry, man. I hope you find someone and I hope this doesn't hurt you for too long.

I just need to get Hinge/Bumble/whatever and go.

I think one of the worst part of this is that I also worry about how she is doing. Don't get me wrong, I'm putting myself first and I'm going to continue to do so, but I am one of her closest friends and a borderline professional mentor to her. We talked about nearly everything together and some dumb reptile part of my mind feels like I'm wrong for taking that from her.

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I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how nightmare mode happened

You saw she sent you a text, ignored it, and asked her out?

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PatrickMahomes posted...

I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of how nightmare mode happened

You saw she sent you a text, ignored it, and asked her out?

I just didn't see it until after the fact.

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I asked my crush out too, turns out she's not really that great, just OK and kinda fake.

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You need to stop worrying about how she is doing (I know it's not easy at times). Regardless it's not your fault if she goes down a certain path which hopefully she doesn't. In time she'll also figure her life out. If she makes choices to date certain guys that aren't at your level well that's her loss. She'll do what makes her happy and you do what makes you. The salt on the wound feeling is shitty no less. Been there done that. Learning to control your emotions is no easy task.


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Austin_Era_II posted...

You need to stop worrying about how she is doing (I know it's not easy at times). Regardless it's not your fault if she goes down a certain path which hopefully she doesn't. In time she'll also figure her life out. If she makes choices to date certain guys that aren't at your level well that's her loss. She'll do what makes her happy and you do what makes you. The salt on the wound feeling is shitty no less. Been there done that. Learning to control your emotions is no easy task.

Oh, I'm not worried about her life decisions. She is a smart woman with a good head on her shoulders. It's more of the potentially losing a friend sorta thing. Like right now my feeling shitty is in two parts, the rejection aspect and the friendship vacuum part. Both suck and I know she is dealing with the latter.

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Gheb posted...

I just didn't see it until after the fact.

But I'm confused as to how that happened?

Walk me through. When did you receive the text? When did you notice you had a text? What happened between the window of receiving the text, asking her out, and noticing you had a text?

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*reads nightmare mode*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVeAEwrL1Ts

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PatrickMahomes posted...

But I'm confused as to how that happened?

Walk me through. When did you receive the text? When did you notice you had a text? What happened between the window of receiving the text, asking her out, and noticing you had a text?

She sent the message (it was a snap chat message) at like 7:00. For whatever reason my phone didn't show the notification of a Snapchat message (it happens). I probably roughly asked her out at like 7:30. I got a different Snap at like 9:00 that night. When I checked it I also saw I had an unread message. I read it. Cue my shitty night getting so much shittier.

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Dang, that last line was an extra twist.

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That sucks, man. My first love and I were like best friends for a long time and then we were together for a few years but then when we broke up I lost my best friend.

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Gheb posted...

She sent the message (it was a snap chat message) at like 7:00. For whatever reason my phone didn't show the notification of a Snapchat message (it happens). I probably roughly asked her out at like 7:30. I got a different Snap at like 9:00 that night. When I checked it I also saw I had an unread message. I read it. Cue my shitty night getting so much shittier.

Ok that makes sense, thank you for the clarification.

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