Current Events > So me and this girl got into a debate about how a relationship can work

(+) Yeah! (+)

She believes that intimacy is more than skindeep. She believes there's gotta be a very spiritual or very high undefined chemistry between the two for it to go anywhere. She believes you can't force anything and let everything happen naturally on it's own. You have to connect so deeply with each other, you feel like you can see into each other's soul. She believes this kind of unexplainable and deep connection the two have naturally have for each other is love in its truest form.

I believe that you can learn to love someone if given the chance. A relationship only works if the two works hard at it. I believe you can start a beautiful relationship from casual encounters and stuff like through mutual friends. There's no such thing as ever lasting passion. The fire in your heart and butterflies in your stomach will eventually die out. What then? No one is perfect. I believe love IS tolerance. Accept your partner's flaws and take them for who they are. You can't have your relationship be held on through something crazy like everlasting passion.

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Bro just bang that h0

nothanks1 posted...

Bro just bang that h0

It sounds to me like she wants a fairytale and that's a turn off for me unfortunately.

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You are right and she is wrong.
Even so, she will probably find someone before you, it last for about a year and then she cries wondering why her relationships never last.

Her mentality is very common for women. (I probably get attacked for this)
Women will often turn down guys they actually could form really good relationships with just because there is no "spark". Essentially that is what she is saying. She needs sparks.
You see this all over the place where spark hunter women moan about never being able to retain men. And the problem is the reality is sparks fade but putting work into loving someone doesn't.

darkphoenix181 posted...

You are right and she is wrong.
Even so, she will probably find someone before you, it last for about a year and then she cries wondering why her relationships never last.

Her mentality is very common for women. (I probably get attacked for this)
Women will often turn down guys they actually could form really good relationships with just because there is no "spark". Essentially that is what she is saying. She needs sparks.
You see this all over the place where spark hunter women moan about never being able to retain men. And the problem is the reality is sparks fade but putting work into loving someone doesn't.

this place man.

Neckhomachus posted...

this place man.

Gives good advice?
You can find the same advice by paying a relationship coach or therapist.
I gave it for free.

i mean, i think i agree with the TC a little more

but she has some points. i wouldn't want to put the work into someone i didn't feel some kind of connection to. i think thats where she has a point

but is that enough? not at all. TCs right, love is an action, love is work. you gotta keep doing it every day and make it stronger. it just doesn't magicaly will itself into existance.

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I think you're both kinda right imo.

darkphoenix181 posted...

Gives good advice?
You can find the same advice by paying a relationship coach or therapist.
I gave it for free.

yeah that's 100% what i was gonna say

MixedRaceBaby posted...

I wouldn't want to put the work into someone i didn't feel some kind of connection to. i think thats where she has a point

She has no connection with tc yet discusses with him about relationships?
Idk their situation, but it sounds to me like they are both interested and wanting a relationship. Likely friends who hung out and felt a romantic connection.
But on her side, he just doesn't give those sparks. She isn't connected... enough.
Which is honestly bs.
(Bs because sparks can actually come over time as many women have attested)

FrozenPie posted...

I think you're both kinda right imo.

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I mean generally if you want a relationship you should want to connect with the person. I dunno about her bollocks about it happening that way though.

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Neckhomachus posted...

this place man.

Calm down. It's very simple to simply disagree.

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You're wrong. Generally, there does need to be a "spark" of some kind. You can't force yourself to be romantically attracted to someone. You'll just end up going through the motions.

Yes, you do have to work at a relationship, at some point but it really shouldn't be that way in the beginning stages. And when/if you do have to work later on, it's generally about reconnecting to what attracted you to them in the first place.

lolife67 posted...

Generally, there does need to be a "spark" of some kind. You can't force yourself to be romantically attracted to someone. You'll just end up going through the motions.

Have you never had a woman grow on you? Like you saw this one girl and she was super hot and you wanted her attention. But her friend was just ok.
As time went on, the one who was just ok became someone you really liked. Happens all the time, which negates this whole spark thing.

Sparks are more or less the equivalent of a dude seeing a super hot model and wanting to tap that. Somehow men actually understand that type of lust fades easily and you usually don't want to wife them.

Just so, sparks women feel for men fade just as fast. What doesn't fade is the emotions that weren't sparks like sharing interests, real connection (same goals, same vision, same beliefs), etc.

And funniest thing is many have attested that a slow burn does infact work. You can develop sparks pretty easy.
It just so happens that the belief that you can't is very prevalent. I don't think this is a global thing though, pretty American or maybe western.

Yall should fuck and see how yall feel after. Worst case you got to fuck.

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Again, it just sounds to me like she wants a fairy tale. And she sounds like she's deserving something she's not exactly deserving of if ya know what I mean.

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Veggeta X posted...

Again, it just sounds to me like she wants a fairy tale. And she sounds like she's deserving something she's not exactly deserving of if ya know what I mean.

Not exactly.
She is the equivalent of a guy who only asks out 9/10 or 10/10 and ignores other women.

Sparks is just an abstraction for sexual desire. Women do this because society expects them to be chaste and other such things imposed on their sexuality.
For example, if a woman openly told everyone outside her closest circle she just met this dude and wanted to fuck his brains out, it would raise eyebrows.
Instead she says she felt such sparks. It felt so right, like they were meant to be.

And sparks is not a connection. They are felt for complete strangers. But saying I met a stranger and we had a spiritual bond is alot more chaste than his manliness made me want to fuck his brains and have his children.

But there is a bit of a different caveat. Most men find a certain body type to be hot and lust after that. Say most men would want to have a shot with Lindsey Pelas.
But for women, even though it is assumed someone like Brad Pitt is universally desired, talk to women and you find that is not true.
So sparks is more than just a fit bod, certain face, etc.

Another reason why this abstraction might have developed is to fool men. Men always seek how to cheat at the game. If you hide the rules, it makes that harder.
This is why it is often said that men don't understand women and all those kinds of sayings. I don't consider it a game but it is still the best analogy for the process.

is this woman you in a dress?

darkphoenix181 posted...

Have you never had a woman grow on you? Like you saw this one girl and she was super hot and you wanted her attention. But her friend was just ok.
As time went on, the one who was just ok became someone you really liked. Happens all the time, which negates this whole spark thing.

Sparks are more or less the equivalent of a dude seeing a super hot model and wanting to tap that. Somehow men actually understand that type of lust fades easily and you usually don't want to wife them.

Just so, sparks women feel for men fade just as fast. What doesn't fade is the emotions that weren't sparks like sharing interests, real connection (same goals, same vision, same beliefs), etc.

And funniest thing is many have attested that a slow burn does infact work. You can develop sparks pretty easy.
It just so happens that the belief that you can't is very prevalent. I don't think this is a global thing though, pretty American or maybe western.

I know I disagree with you on a lot of things but this is a really good post/explanation. It's also worth noting that feelings can grow but not to the point of romance- just finding someone cool that becomes a friend

Ruvan22 posted...

I know I disagree with you on a lot of things

Why is it important to state this? I find it funny that I get this alot. People who had disagreed in the past see me talk on another subject and they agree. Yet they feel it necessary to express they had disgreed with me before.
Like, people agree and disagree with all sorts of views. It is not surprising that you would agree with one view and not another. That is being human.

Ruvan22 posted...

It's also worth noting that feelings can grow but not to the point of romance

I disagree. It definitely can. You can learn to love someone.

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darkphoenix181 posted...

Why is it important to state this? I find it funny that I get this alot. People who had disagreed in the past see me talk on another subject and they agree. Yet they feel it necessary to express they had disgreed with me before.
Like, people agree and disagree with all sorts of views. It is not surprising that you would agree with one view and not another. That is being human.

I wasn't sure if you had a specific memory of me (or tag) - recognizing commonality is one of my ways of being amenable. I didn't say this in your topic about mashed cauliflower as you were sharing information (as opposed to a viewpoint). Sorry if I came across condescendingly

Ruvan22 posted...

I didn't say this in your topic about mashed cauliflower

Is this a metaphor or literal? Because I never made a topic about mashed cauliflower.
There is like 3 users with dark, I am phoenix.

mattymad posted...

Don't be eating that **** up dark phoenix is posting. What kinda PUA scam are you running/fooling for?

That kinda thinking and labelling women with such things is toxic. Calling it all a game lmao, what is this, dating advice for teenagers?

People are people. People want and like different things. Find someone, through whatever means are comfortable for you, who wants you for who you are and you want them for who they are.

Treating it like a game with rules and trying tactics is just going to drive you mad trying to apply logic to something that isn't logical.

Not sure if you trolling due to my issue using the word game above.
In any case, I didn't give any advice, only explanations.
I did not offer the world to be changed, just explained why it worked the way it did.

mattymad posted...

The whole thing about trying to rationalize sparks like it's something you can identity under a microscope and then blankenting that explanation across all women.

The idea that they are as unknowable as the ways of God is just part of the abstraction. It also makes it easier to reject a friend by saying, "I just didn't feel these mysterious, magical things."

Or do you believe a being like Cupid exists and shoots arrows into their butt? If not, there is totally a rational logical physical explanation for what it is and how it works.

darkphoenix181 posted...

Have you never had a woman grow on you? Like you saw this one girl and she was super hot and you wanted her attention. But her friend was just ok.
As time went on, the one who was just ok became someone you really liked. Happens all the time, which negates this whole spark thing.

No it doesn't since you generally don't try to date the friend until the spark has happened, i.e AFTER she's grown on you. And when that does happen, it's organic/natural and not forced, which is her point.

darkphoenix181 posted...

Is this a metaphor or literal? Because I never made a topic about mashed cauliflower.
There is like 3 users with dark, I am phoenix.

Meant to be literal- aren't you the policeman?

Ruvan22 posted...

Meant to be literal- aren't you the policeman?

I believe that is darkprince

darkphoenix181 posted...

I believe that is darkprince

Oh my apologies!!!