Current Events > Why do people feel the need to constantly comment on your parenting?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Its very strange and getting on my nerves.

Are you breastfeeding? Thats whats best for baby! Oh why arent you breastfeeding? Have you tried x, y, z bla bla bla? Have you tried pumping??

I dont produce enough because of my hormonal condition but I dont need to explain that to every person. So many people with their tips like I havent extensively researched or tried anything.

Are you planning to stay at home full time? Thats whats best for baby!

Uh no, I make a lot of money why would I do that? Nothing wrong with SAHMs but I make like 60% of our income and cant just walk away. Its great to have a parent at home. Its also great to have money for a nice house, food, diapers, clothes, vacations, good education, college fund, savings, healthcare, etc.

Omg your baby is cold! Hurry get a blanket, sweater, swaddle, blah blah blah

Bitch its 75 and sunny. My baby is shivering because she doesnt have a full handle on her motor skills yet.

Your husband is going to take parental leave too? Why? Hes a man, men should focus on working and leave baby stuff to you

Uhh hes also a father and they have an obligation to take care of their kids as well wtf. My husband gets soooo many compliments about being such a great dad like its some accomplishment thats hes not a deadbeat like lol

Oh GOD welcome to that shitshow. It's so disturbing that this subject above all others do people feel not only equipped, but empowered and permitted, to offer their vast wisdom unsolicited.

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that definitely sounds frustrating. as someone who gives unsolicited advice (despite now knowing it's hardly ever wanted), we do it because we think we're being helpful. our self centered brains go "hey this person isn't doing what i would do, that means they probably aren't aware of my superior methods".

it's the same thing with correcting people. my brain has this tendency to think "hey, if i was wrong i'd want to know, so i'm doing this person a favor by pointing out how they were wrong". i realize that usually just makes me come off as rude and ive been trying not to do this.

i'm 38 and still do this stuff even though i understand that unsolicited advice just makes me come off as a preachy know-it-all. i try to remind myself of this, but it's so hard to shut off my brain and sometimes i act before thinking it through.

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not to diminish your experience but lol what in my 6 weeks as a parent i havent heard any of that kind of thing
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I guess i do get some people who give me way too much credit as a dad just because i change diapers and hold the baby a lot
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g980 posted...

not to diminish your experience but lol what in my 6 weeks as a parent i havent heard any of that kind of thing

I was 15 when my little brother was born

My mum got all these tips whereas my dad barely got any
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CyricZ posted...

Oh GOD welcome to that shitshow.

hahahahahahahahhaah yeah cyricz will welcome you to parenthood

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People don't know how to mind they bidness

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don't you want your kids to be amazing like their kids tc

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I wish I could have been a SAHP.

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IfGodCouldDie posted...

I wish I could have been a SAHP.

is that like a WAP

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The Trent posted...

is that like a WAP

I think its more like a HAD

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Conflict posted...

Probably because you've only been a parent for 6 weeks?

Also you're obviously not going to be asked about breastfeeding and staying at home full-time if you're the dad

How long do you think tc has been a parent
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Giant_Aspirin posted...

that definitely sounds frustrating. as someone who gives unsolicited advice (despite now knowing it's hardly ever wanted), we do it because we think we're being helpful. our self centered brains go "hey this person isn't doing what i would do, that means they probably aren't aware of my superior methods".

it's the same thing with correcting people. my brain has this tendency to think "hey, if i was wrong i'd want to know, so i'm doing this person a favor by pointing out how they were wrong". i realize that usually just makes me come off as rude and ive been trying not to do this.

i'm 38 and still do this stuff even though i understand that unsolicited advice just makes me come off as a preachy know-it-all. i try to remind myself of this, but it's so hard to shut off my brain and sometimes i act before thinking it through.

I think what people dont realize with new parents is that they arent the only ones with the unsolicited advice. I hear the same thing over and over from so many people that it adds up in annoyance.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Some are good friends of mine and others are older family members that I have to be respectful to because of our culture, etc

g980 posted...

not to diminish your experience but lol what in my 6 weeks as a parent i havent heard any of that kind of thing

Yeah if youre the dad then no one gives a shit. No one tells my husband anything, its all directed at me while he gets praise for properly putting her in her car seat like he just solved world hunger
[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I like money too. The women who ask me about it are ones who didnt have much going for them career wise so its easy to make that kind of decision. Again, nothing wrong with that but this judgment against working moms is unnecessary. Women cant win with each other since others will judge SAHMs too. I just dont get why we cant just be supportive of each others decisions

Cleo_II posted...

Yeah if youre the dad then no one gives a shit. No one tells my husband anything, its all directed at me while he gets praise for properly putting her in her car seat like he just solved world hunger

you said it lady
this shit used to drive my wife nuts too, and it's mostly just women doing it to each other because of toxic femininity

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Conflict posted...

I hope you're being direct to these people and telling them to shut the hell up

you know in every business there is that one guy who just has amazing social skills and you want him in to close deals

that would not be you

the best part is people spout off with shit they don't even know if it's the best stuff to do
like there's no ombudsman who comes back 2 years later and is like "when you left him to self soothe at 18months old, that was the correct decision because coddling him would've manifested in bed wetting now" that confirms their decisions and validates their ideas
like it's all people just like "you should _____" with no real basis on whether "____" is true or just some shit they think is best

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Lol ky coworkers went on and on and on about how bad we are as parents because we setup our son with a brokerage account instead of a 529 or whatever account

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MutantJohn posted...

Lol ky coworkers went on and on and on about how bad we are as parents because we setup our son with a brokerage account instead of a 529 or whatever account

that's insane lol
some people really need to feel like they're better than other people though

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The Trent posted...

the best part is people spout off with shit they don't even know if it's the best stuff to do
like there's no ombudsman who comes back 2 years later and is like "when you left him to self soothe at 18months old, that was the correct decision because coddling him would've manifested in bed wetting now" that confirms their decisions and validates their ideas
like it's all people just like "you should _____" with no real basis on whether "____" is true or just some shit they think is best

LOL exactly. The obsession with what other people do with their kids is so strange to me.

Especially the breastfeeding obsession. No one cares as adults if we were breastfed or not. And most of these women who obsess about it then go on to feed their kids nothing but chicken tendies and fries later. But no, they must all ask me if I breastfeed and what to try and give me side eye even when I explain why I cant. Trust me I struggled with so much internal guilt and sadness over it, I dont need another dozen women adding to it.

MutantJohn posted...

Lol ky coworkers went on and on and on about how bad we are as parents because we setup our son with a brokerage account instead of a 529 or whatever account

Wtf lmao

Cleo_II posted...

Yeah if youre the dad then no one gives a shit. No one tells my husband anything, its all directed at me while he gets praise for properly putting her in her car seat like he just solved world hunger

fwiw its not all easy praise

Dealing with our pediatrician has been a huge pain. Ive been the primary contact, been to every visit, set everything up - but its an ordeal every time i talk to them because despite having all my contact info, everything is tagged with my wife's name and they need to spend 5 minutes figuring out that i am my sons father

And to clarify, my wife hasnt been getting that kind of intrusive bs either

Again, not to invalidate your experience, just sharing my own
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Also on the breastfeeding topic - it was especially frustrating as I had an emergency c section after a traumatic failed induction. I was really struggling the first few days at the hospital. One of the hardest things I ever went through. And yet I was getting constant texts from friends and family asking if I tried breastfeeding and offering tips. I just wanted to recover in peace. It really caused me to have an emotional breakdown the first week because I just felt like a complete failure somehow.

I also haven't had this experience but I'm the father, I also don't give much of a fuck when people gives me unsolicited advice, it's a freeroll after all, most of it can be pointless but the once in a while good unsolicited advice was free, I like free stuff

The breastfeeding thing had us buy this expensive af breast pump that we barely used and took a bit to pay off why my daughter just drank a ton of formula.....

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g980 posted...

fwiw its not all easy praise

Dealing with our pediatrician has been a huge pain. Ive been the primary contact, been to every visit, set everything up - but its an ordeal every time i talk to them because despite having all my contact info, everything is tagged with my wife's name and they need to spend 5 minutes figuring out that i am my sons father

And to clarify, my wife hasnt been getting that kind of intrusive bs either

Again, not to invalidate your experience, just sharing my own

You guys are lucky in that regard then. It could be cultural as well, most of my friends and family are middle eastern and more traditional in their thinking. We just had a family gathering last weekend and all the older ladies immediately started fussing over my daughter and what I was doing with her and drilling me about breastfeeding. My mom is here visiting and we ended up having a screaming match because she would not stop insisting I eat certain foods to produce more breastmilk despite me begging her to stop. My husband drove her to get her covid vaccine at Vons and she came back with a bunch of foods for me to try. It was nonstop harassment about it until I snapped.

Thats annoying about the pediatrician. Weve been to ours twice so far but I did notice that my husband was the only man around and it was only moms with their kids there.

That sucks

Breastfeeding is such a super personal thing, there are so many reasons why it might not be an option i avoid the topic with other parents completely. Even if it is an option, it is a lot of work and i get if a mother doesnt want to deal with it.

That said, we had the baby on formula for a day or two at the start and god damn he stunk. Basically constant whey farts. Kudos to you for dealing with that.
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Every father I know who took FMLA for their child said it was the best thing they could have done. Bond with the child, give mom a bit of a break, and gain a fuller understanding of child rearing.

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JustMyOpinion posted...

Yikes. I'm sure me and my wife will love dealing with that. She made the mistake of telling people at work we'd start trying in the Spring and now they ask like every day. Super annoying.

I feel like some people are really bored with their lives. Reminds me of how people would drill me about if I wanted kids and why I didnt have them yet. When all along I was struggling with infertility and IVF treatments.

As I got closer to my due date, I started getting flooded with people asking me if I was in labor yet or if anything was happening. At first it was ok, but it went on for weeks as I went 11 days passed my due date and kept getting Anything yet??! texts from people every day. Like wtf if I did give birth dont you think Id tell you?

So yeah, it will only get worse from here for you and your wife lol

g980 posted...

That sucks

Breastfeeding is such a super personal thing, there are so many reasons why it might not be an option i avoid the topic with other parents completely. Even if it is an option, it is a lot of work and i get if a mother doesnt want to deal with it.

That said, we had the baby on formula for a day or two at the start and god damn he stunk. Basically constant whey farts. Kudos to you for dealing with that.

Formula smells soooo bad! I hate it so much. It smells like a weird protein shake. I wish I didnt have to feed it to her but it is what it is. When I breastfed my daughter for a full 40 minutes one day and she still screamed and cried for food is when I realized that pushing it was not whats best for her and only for my own feelings. We made the switch to formula and she is happy and full. Thats all that matters to me.

Yeah, that's a thing and for what it's worth, it happens to most new moms. So it's not anything you're doing.

I've actually gotten closer with female friends after they've had babies simply because im more curious than anything about their decisions. When I'm nosey and ask if they're breast feeding or bottle and then ask why, it ends with a "that makes sense". It's weird getting thanked by a woman for asking overly personal questions and then not caring that much either way what their decision is.

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oh my FUCKING God I'm sick of it. We're getting it from both of our sets of parents and grandparents. Even my sister who is 30 without kids or a significant other is giving me shit about not raising him conservatively enough. She also asked why we're not breastfeeding him and I told her it's none of her fucking business and if she ever brings it up in front of my wife she's getting cut out for at least a year.


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Drpooplol posted...

oh my FUCKING God I'm sick of it. We're getting it from both of our sets of parents and grandparents. Even my sister who is 30 without kids or a significant other is giving me shit about not raising him conservatively enough. She also asked why we're not breastfeeding him and I told her it's none of her fucking business and if she ever brings it up in front of my wife she's getting cut out for at least a year.

Wtf what does raising an infant conservatively even mean at this point?Theyre babies. Everything at this stage is survival. Eat, sleep, poop, repeat.

And good on your for sticking up for your wife! My husband knows to do the same with his family. Unfortunately he cant say anything to mine due to our culture. He almost stepped in when my aunt was badgering me about it for 20 minutes but he knows not to interfere with old middle eastern ladies LOL

Havent you had a kid for like 2 weeks now? Thats a lot of advice trying to be given so soon. Are you posting on social media? Thatll bait the know it all moms pretty easily.

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--Zero- posted...

Havent you had a kid for like 2 weeks now? Thats a lot of advice trying to be given so soon. Are you posting on social media? Thatll bait the know it all moms pretty easily.

Its been almost 4 but it all started immediately. Other than her birth announcement, I havent posted anything. Its all through text or in person. It starts with a congratulations! and immediately devolves into an onslaught of questions and unsolicited advice