Current Events > Bringing up a story of your own to show that you relate

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https://twitter.com/WholesomeMeme/status/1401348529562476544?s=19

This is normal though. Very common.
???

Why have I been seeing more and more people specifically labeling this as neurodivergent?

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Idk, the narrative is that you're not listening and making the conversation about you, when it's the exact opposite.
As long as you let the person tell their story first and leave time for feedback/whatever, I don't see why its an issue to tell a relatable story. Other than people being insecure about being potentially "one upped".

It's like this one time I was in the woods...

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I don't try and control how people speak to me tbh, that's fucking insane - come as you are, those who are wise can take from any conversation regardless of relevancy

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PoundGarden posted...

Idk, the narrative is that you're not listening and making the conversation about you, when it's the exact opposite.

Sounds like the other person has trouble relating socially to other people, not the person chiming in to suggest they relate.

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I thought this is how people relate to each other and not make people feel alone in their struggles?

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"please stop making this about yourself" is also a fairly common sentiment, and not entirely unfounded.

Ya you might be using that story to show how you can relate, but unless you can properly communicate that it's what you're trying to do, it's means all of jack.

I also am tired of the notion that others need to show that they have some kind of similar experience to offer support. It's dumb

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Sharing similar experiences is one way that people relate, sure, but if that is the only way that somebody tries to relate then it can easily come across as just being self centered.

CalypsoDoom posted...

Yes, but because that is the norm, people consider that socially acceptable and thus part of what is largely considered neurotypical behavior. The issue with neurotypical and neurodivergent labels (though I use them) is that they are arguably heavily influenced by cultural and social norms.
A good example would be eye contact and how many people on the spectrum cannot maintain it - acceptable eye contact varies from culture to culture.

This is something I haven't considered. Ty for the interesting perspective

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CalypsoDoom posted...

Yes, but because that is the norm, people consider that socially acceptable and thus part of what is largely considered neurotypical behavior. The issue with neurotypical and neurodivergent labels (though I use them) is that they are arguably heavily influenced by cultural and social norms.

Then the word neuro should not be in them.

This also hasn't been a norm in my experience. I've seen very very few people get upset when people do this, mostly because most people understand that the person is trying to connect and show comradary.

I certainly remember 1-upsmanship during story telling as a kid, but that's something very different, and very age dependent.

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COVxy posted...

Then the word neuro should not be in them.

This also hasn't been a norm in my experience. I've seen very very few people get upset when people do this, mostly because most people understand that the person is trying to connect and show comradary.

I'm upset when they just stop there. You gotta bring it back to the person with the problem to be supportive

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Seems to me most of this boils down to being an active listener and an engaged speaker in a conversation.

Less about sharing stories but more about how it is done. Just like sitting there nodding and saying little is sometimes the right way to handle things but you need to be cognizant of seeming disinterested or patronizing.


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Drpooplol posted...

I'm upset when they just stop there. You gotta bring it back to the person with the problem to be supportive

yeh you gotta be person first solution focused, get these convos sewn up

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I can not fucking imagine thinking this deeply into just fucking talking to people

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Smackems posted...

I can not fucking imagine thinking this deeply into just fucking talking to people

neurotypical user logic

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CalypsoDoom posted...

Well now that everyone on social media is screeching about trauma dumping over people sharing their experiences (this is what I'm seeing, YMMV), people do feel the need to stand up for themselves, especially people who are very commonly misunderstood.

I think the key question is how often irl have you felt backlash after doing this?

People complain about everything online. If people don't have something to complain about, they find something.

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I'll usually only share a story that relates if I'm talking to a friend. Everyone else gets a "damn that's crazy"

Some people definitely take it too far and do seem to try to one up other people, but those cases are usually pretty obvious

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you hold them close and rub those buns. that how to relate.

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CalypsoDoom posted...

Of course people online complain, but people irl don't have the communication skills to just say "Hey, you shifting the conversation to yourself makes me feel invalidated" so you're very aware they want nothing to do with you, but are left in the dark as to what needs to change.

People have no obligation to go out of their way to make you enjoyable to talk to.

Tenlaar posted...

People have no obligation to go out of their way to make you enjoyable to talk to.

This topic is not an opportunity to try to dogpile on a user you don't like. Fuck off.

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Conflict posted...

Uh... none of this is particularly complicated or hard-to-understand stuff.

More complicated than it needs to be

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The issue is when someone always has to one up a story or if someone is telling an accomplishment and you try to twist it back to you. Its about balancing when you do it.

CalypsoDoom posted...

are left in the dark as to what needs to change.

one thing I do is after I relate my story, I ask them a question. a really good one I found is to just ask them how they feel about the outcome of the story they related and if something similar happens again if they would do something differently,

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Conflict posted...

Sharing your own story is fine

Sharing your own story every single time someone is talking about themselves is not fine. Which is something that several people actually do and I've avoided trying to speak to them for that reason

I used to have a problem with doing this. Part of it was that I had been stationed in a place I hated for a while and I was depressed and not talking to anyone so my social skills really deteriorated. When I moved to a place close to all of my friends and got a new girlfriend, I was over sharing a ton without realizing and taking over conversations that weren't about me. I didn't even realize I was doing this until my girlfriend confronted me about because it was making her feel like I was putting myself and my experiences above hers. Since then I've tried to be really aware about how I interact with others and I think I've really improved my active listening skills because of it.

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Part of my mental health overhaul has been confronting my relationships with self-absorbed people who did this to me (and everyone else, tbf) for years, about everything. I understand the sentiment but ngl it's a bit triggering to see a push to have this normalized because I know they and people like them will see the message and be like, "See! I'm not an asshole!" >_>

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Drpooplol posted...

You gotta bring it back to the person with the problem to be supportive

No you don't.

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Conflict posted...

I don't think that's really the point tho

There's no expectation of people wanting to speak to you, I know who I want to speak to and who I have no interest in doing so. But if someone is doing something that bothers you, chances are if they are on the spectrum they're not going to know what it is they're doing wrong unless you tell them.

I avoid talking heavily about my own interests unless they're relevant or there's an actual invitation to do so because that has been a problem in the past. That's really the only way someone on the spectrum can learn.

What you're saying is fine and is also different than what she said. Saying that people who don't choose to point out to somebody why they don't enjoy talking to them "don't have the communication skills" is clearly saying that they are at fault in the situation. It's not like telling people why they aren't enjoyable to talk to is some common thing that is usually accepted and goes over well. A lot of the time it's even seen as an asshole kind of thing to do rather than just avoiding talking to the person.

I have to catch myself sometimes because Ill inadvertently slip into one-up-itis without trying to

By which I mean sometimes I forget to make the relating point back and comes off like Im just trying to invalidate whatever was just told to me

Definitely a toxic trait

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Isn't that kind of human mind works? From a layman's perspective it certainly seems like it, and I'm guessing the science is on my side here.