Current Events > My mom just died and the funeral industry is pissin' me off.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Apparently, according to my experience with genealogists and the sympathetic industrial complex, the official name for 'the ashes existing after intentional cremation' are "cremains" and 'the act of intering a receptacle of ashes into a gravesite' is called "in-urn-ment." It feels so deeply disrespectful to me.



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no way, u srs?

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BuckVanHammer posted...

no way, u srs?

Serious about both, I'm afraid. Mom's death was shocking and sudden, so it hasn't quite sunken in yet. The terms are also used all the time, even in the funeral home and by our friend who has recently lost someone else.

"Cremains" and "in-urn-ment" seem like a distasteful, cruel piece of late-cringe media la "Schitts Creek" or "The Office" about what one oughtn't do. But they totally say that shit. They've said it multiple times, over the phone and in person.

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Sorry for your loss TC.

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Very sorry for your loss.

nope, dont like that. guess I need to tell my partner to not put me in a fucking cremains container...

sorry about your loss btw.

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Sorry for your loss, man. Stay strong.

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yea, I'm very sorry for your loss, TC.

I almost didn't reply because like you said, those terms are ridiculous, and I wasn't 100% sure if this was a real topic.

I apologize.

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LordFarquad1312 posted...

Sorry for your loss TC.

Cocytus posted...

Very sorry for your loss.

Thank you both (and thanks to Buck) very much. I'm mostly sad for my dad. They were dating+married for 58 years.

BuckVanHammer posted...

nope, dont like that. guess I need to tell my partner to not put me in a fucking cremains container...

Right?! Like, just call them "remains" or the person's name or "the urn" or "ashes!" Talking about "burying Mom" is tough, but talking about "burying ashes" is actually removed enough that I think it would be a safe enough term to use instead of a damn pun.

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RIP Stay strong TC.

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Sorry for your loss TC. I know how it feels. dad passed away 6 months ago from cancer and it still feels unreal. Life is precious. and short. Hold on to the ones that are there for you and have good memories with them. But be the best you can be too and not get too hung up on the could and would haves..

I'm sure you will get this sorted out with the funeral arrangements

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Scotty_Rogers posted...
Sorry for your loss, man. Stay strong.

Thank you. My Dad had to see her after the accident before the EMTs could put on a sheet or anything. He's so broken up.

g0ldie posted...
I almost didn't reply because like you said, those terms are ridiculous, and I wasn't 100% sure if this was a real topic.

Dude, I don't blame you. It feels so unreal. My mom died like a cartoon coyote --- a perfectly healthy treetop fell on her on a sunny day, with no wind as she was finishing up an exercise session to make herself healthier before an upcoming surgery. It has been so damn surreal. My dad is so deeply, profoundly sad. He's so kind, like if Mr. Rogers and Abe Lincoln had a baby. The only times I've seen him cry were when I got into grad school and when I got married. It is hell for us both. I wasn't very close with my mom (long story), but she wasn't wicked and she didn't deserve to die like this. She was actually working really, really hard to get healthier, which was impressive. She had been an obese, arthritic, diabetic, lazy, reckless and clumsy for so long that I never could have fathomed her going this way. She was with three other neighbors and they're all panicked and traumatized so hard. And my Dad my perfect, humane, devastated Dad wrote all of them sympathy cards yesterday.

ColdOne666 posted...

RIP Stay strong TC.

Thank you. She was an institution around the community and it just isn't real.

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Cremains doesn't bug me, but in-urn-ment sure as shit does.

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Arcanine2009 posted...

Sorry for your loss TC. I know how it feels. dad passed away 6 months ago from cancer and it still feels unreal. Life is precious. and short. Hold on to the ones that are there for you and have good memories with them. But be the best you can be too and not get too hung up on the could and would haves..

I'm sure you will get this sorted out with the funeral arrangements

Thank you so much. I'm sorry about your loss, too. I hope you're finding peace and centeredness, as to your family. Thankfully, my parents paid for and arranged most of this in 2017 when they were in their late 60s. My mom even sent me a text that said "We did the adulting thing!" after they finished their paperwork which was adorable for an oldster. So all I've really had to do is select pictures, buy flowers, pick up ashes, hold my sad father, etc. I'm so thankful that I don't have to pick out an urn or anything --- there are so many traumatized, horrified people getting bilked for lots of money.

AldousIsDead posted...

Cremains doesn't bug me, but in-urn-ment sure as shit does.

Like "interment" already means in + terra [Earth]. "Internment" means something wildly different, so it's not even an effective pun. If anything, which it doesn't need, "in-urn-ment" would be when you put the ashes into the urn, not when you put the urn into the Earth. "Cremains," I would say if I were in the industry, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to be so clueless as to say it in front of mourners.

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Sorry for your loss.

And same. I didn't know they were called "cremains" until we had my dad cremated last year.

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when my grandmother died there was a huge snowstorm the week of the planned funeral. roads were closed, power was out in a lot of areas, state had declared an emergency because my area doesn't get over a foot of snow and we didn't have the plows to clear shit. so of course, nobody was going to be able to make it to the funeral home for the service and then the graveside, because there was no traveling without a sleigh team...

so my uncle tried to reschedule, but the funeral home was booked for several months; so he tried to get the money back, but there were no refunds...

so yeah, funeral industry is shit.

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I'm sorry for your loss TC :(

Fuck the funeral industry.

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sorry tc. i worry about my old parents dying every day. then i worry about growing old and my wife dying. i dunno what'd i do without her.

anyway

yeah this is what stresses me out. not necessarily the costs, but just the whole process of it all. my parents said they already arranged to be cremated and kept at a uh church i think and are paying for it right now, so im glad they did that.

but i mean

dont go :(

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bigblu89 posted...

And same. I didn't know they were called "cremains" until we had my dad cremated last year.

Buh. I'm sorry about your dad. The term just feels icky. How are you doing? Any tips for my dad, since you had to help your mom?
monkmith posted...

there were no refunds

Horrible. I'm so very, very sorry that you and your family had to deal with that. I hope there's been some peace in the intervening year. That is so deeply unforgivable of them. I don't understand how they can justify not giving refunds; proof of resurrection would surely not be enough to put them out of business short-term.
Pandamonic posted...

I'm sorry for your loss TC :(

Thank you. <3
_BlueMonk posted...

dont go :(

Right? Absolutely hard agree. I always sort of conceptualized "losing my parents" as a unit, both at once, a before/after kind of thing. But helping my Dad is devastating. I can be steely or whatever for myself, but watching this paragon of strength and excellence weep is... It's hell.

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I'm sorry for your loss TC, I know how you feel. My dad died less than 2 weeks ago and not only was a simple cremation overpriced, but the death certificate was a bit late and just all sort of shit was fucked up about it.

They only care about making money.

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My condolences vanai

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I'm sorry for your loss.

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Thought this was gonna be about the marked up prices for everything related to the funeral/corpse disposal.

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itachi15243 posted...

the death certificate was a bit late and just all sort of shit was fucked up about it.

I'm so sorry! That's ghastly! I am hugging you and wishing you and your family as much comfort as can be had. We had to delay the announcement by almost a week because the churchyard where she wanted her urn interred wouldn't answer their e-mail even though they sold the last plot there in 1985, so it's not like they have anything else going on.
radical rhino posted...

Thought this was gonna be about the marked up prices for everything related to the funeral/corpse disposal.

Why not both? The funeral parlor tried to upsell us on something for the gravesite that (1) the funeral parlor doesn't even sell and (2) the cemetery doesn't even require or want.
Lil_Bit83 posted...

I'm sorry for your loss.

MegaTech posted...

My condolences vanai

Thanks, guys. It was/is absolute unfathomable madness. It's not like she was a lumberjack. It was so freaky and immediate.

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Condolences, man.
Lost my mom a few years back, but thankfully my dad was a veteran so she went to a veterans memorial graveyard. Because of this her options were super limited, which made things much easier. It's a rough situation and having to make decisions is terrible while in that mindset.

My dad actually reacted pretty well, all things considered. We just took turns making sure that he ate properly and stuff. He's retired and thankfully plays some online game with daily tasks and shit for the last decade. He leaned into the structure of it until he started doing better mentally. It's weird that of all things, that's probably what helped him most. Maybe yours might be able to distract himself with something oriented for him.

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Schitt's Creek and The Office really aren't the same type of humor tbh.
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I grew up in a small funeral home. Like family owned over 120 years. I don't think I ever heard anybody in my family use that terrm.

Not saying people don't use it but it is new to me.

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Personally my father always noted people that wanted bigger funerals than they could afford. This left him holding the bag or owed money for years.

Funeral homes are retailers. We have to pay for all that stuff we sell up front. Cash flow can become an issue if people don't pay over the next couple years.

Basically the ledger at retail might be 8k to the funeral home. The family pays it off over several years. But the funeral home has to pay for things like th vault and casket at the time of purchase. Same for th gravestones and whoever is hired to dig the grave, pay t he priest, and so on.

I know giant chain funeral homes roll different but small local companies or straight family owned ones operate different

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Sorry for your loss, TC.

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VanananaHeyHey posted...

Serious about both, I'm afraid. Mom's death was shocking and sudden, so it hasn't quite sunken in yet. The terms are also used all the time, even in the funeral home and by our friend who has recently lost someone else.

"Cremains" and "in-urn-ment" seem like a distasteful, cruel piece of late-cringe media la "Schitts Creek" or "The Office" about what one oughtn't do. But they totally say that shit. They've said it multiple times, over the phone and in person.

maybe its because you dont see the words very often?

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Sorry to hear, TC

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VanananaHeyHey posted...

Serious about both, I'm afraid. Mom's death was shocking and sudden, so it hasn't quite sunken in yet. The terms are also used all the time, even in the funeral home and by our friend who has recently lost someone else.

"Cremains" and "in-urn-ment" seem like a distasteful, cruel piece of late-cringe media la "Schitts Creek" or "The Office" about what one oughtn't do. But they totally say that shit. They've said it multiple times, over the phone and in person.

Tell em to fuck off with that and show more respect. Also, very sorry to hear that

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I'm gonna donate my body to science specifically so that my family doesn't have to pay for a burial or cremation.

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Sorry for your loss.

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Jiek_Fafn posted...

Condolences, man.
Lost my mom a few years back, but thankfully my dad was a veteran so she went to a veterans memorial graveyard. Because of this her options were super limited, which made things much easier. It's a rough situation and having to make decisions is terrible while in that mindset.

My dad actually reacted pretty well, all things considered. We just took turns making sure that he ate properly and stuff. He's retired and thankfully plays some online game with daily tasks and shit for the last decade. He leaned into the structure of it until he started doing better mentally. It's weird that of all things, that's probably what helped him most. Maybe yours might be able to distract himself with something oriented for him.

I'm thankful my parents took care of most of the arrangements a few years ago, but something always comes up. Years ago, they preplanned on and prepaid a one-day viewing with a casket rental, then cremation (viewings are important for Boomers), but because of the accident, she had to be cremated immediately. Now the funeral parlor is giving us grief over trying to get a refund for that prepaid rental we won't be able to use. Lots of love to you and your family.

dj1200 posted...

Sorry to hear, TC

Wetterdew posted...

I'm gonna donate my body to science specifically so that my family doesn't have to pay for a burial or cremation.

Yeah, that's legit. They give your family back the ashes afterwards, so I definitely get the appeal of that. I'd probably do it, too. My parents are both organ donors, but I don't think my mom had anything that could be used at this point; she had ailments unrelated to how she died.

KogaSteelfang posted...

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you very much. I'm going to try to get my Dad out of the house tomorrow. Today was one week since the accident, so he's been at home the whole time except for one time the same day when he went out for a grocery order she had made before dying.

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Holy crap, Im sorry to hear all this and for your loss. Lost my mom about a month and a half ago, also sudden and unexpected at the time but it ended up being heart disease and she was a heavy smoker, so it wasnt entirely surprising once we knew the cause of death.

There was life insurance and my stepdad handled the arrangements so it wasnt super stressful at the time, but it can all be such a draining process.

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condolences for loss. my father died 10 years ago from a stroke. he had to get cremated and had a funeral near a river. carefully emptied it into it since that's what my dad liked to do (go fishing) he caught a big salmon once while drunk.
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First, very sorry for your loss. That's horrible.

I went with my dad to arrange stuff when my grandfather passed. My dad is super upset damn near in tears while we're there. Grandfather was being cremated and the dude said we had to choose an urn for his cremains.
I heard cremains. I got pissed and said to him like... Are you making jokes right now? Are you fuckin serious??
My dad informed me that that's what it's called. I had never heard that term.
I apologized to the guy and told him I still think it's a stupid term.


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CE_gonna_CE posted...

Lost my mom about a month and a half ago

There was life insurance and my stepdad handled the arrangements so it wasnt super stressful at the time, but it can all be such a draining process.

Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss, too. I don't have too many decisions to make, but I'm definitely out of it. Like, I'm supposed to go back to work on Monday and I do nooooot want to.

kingdrake2 posted...

carefully emptied it into it since that's what my dad liked to do (go fishing) he caught a big salmon once while drunk.

That's really nice. Also that's funny as hell. Right on! My mom liked the the beach. My dad wants some of her ashes buried because visiting gravesites is important to him, but he's going to dole out some of them to be sprinkled around elsewhere.

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ShotgunSilencer posted...

First, very sorry for your loss. That's horrible.
I heard cremains. I got pissed and said to him like... Are you making jokes right now? Are you fuckin serious??
My dad informed me that that's what it's called. I had never heard that term.
I apologized to the guy and told him I still think it's a stupid term.

Sorry for your loss, too. It sounds like we're 100% on the same page. It's just such a ridiculous fucking word. "Ashes" and "remains" are already words that don't sound like tryhard adorkability.

I looked up the origin and it only was recorded for the first time in 1947, so it's not like it's some ancient word. Even if it's "the word for what that is," I'd argue there didn't need to be a specific word for it. And, if specifying intentional human cremation remnants was absolutely necessary, surely we/the funeral industry could have created a word based on Latin for 'ash' and 'human' or something instead of making a portmanteau.

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