Current Events > Poll: What should I do about bad behavior from a homeless friend I'm helping?

(+) Yeah! (+)

imo, this is on you. but i get it. you wanted to be kind, and thought hey kindness is easy right. well that was the mistake. kindness isn't easy, at all, in fact it's usually not worth it and you end up feeling used. but that's what kindness was supposed to be about, you aren't supposed to care about being used.

ok so you messed up there. lesson learned. what you're stuck with is basically, you can kick them out whenever you want. but don't get confused and think this is out of kindness anymore. now you're looking at this like a business transaction and you should expect it to be responded to as such. it's no longer a friendly thing between friends. it's business.

if you can't handle it, or he can't, it's not worth it. get yourself out of the situation. but if you can both agree to a deal then do the deal with rules and everything. but don't get it mixed up. it's not kindness anymore.

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SableWolfAngel posted...

The sock is an example. It's not just socks, it's other clothes, food, bags, weed, his coat, and other stuff he leaves lying around. And the windows he leaves open when I'm running the heat. And other stuff like that. You're focusing on the wrong things, which isn't surprising. I'm guessing you're a slob too if you think it's ok to leave a bunch of shit all over the floor... and in the bathroom, kitchen, living room, dot dot dot.

And I have accepted some changes, like I've also welcomed his cat. I got lucky that his cat gets along with mine, but it was never my plan to get a second cat. I also accept him wanting to smoke weed all the time, even though I don't like the smell. I've accepted him hanging out in the space I usually occupy in the living room and watching football, even though I don't like sports and I'd rather watch cartoons or movies. If I didn't accept change, I'd tell him no on everything. Instead, I tell him no on reasonable things.

So is that a yes or a no on giving me some of your money? You clearly don't care about expenses so why not throw some around? Why are YOU so bothered about me asking a simple question? How about YOU pick one, man? Gimme dat money!!

Im sorry I came off abrasive. What Ive been trying to say is basically what the above poster said. You thought when you let him stay with you then your good deed was essentially over but it doesnt work like that. There are other things that come with that and youll have to either accept it or just ask him to leave.

Some people are more organized than others. Hes not a bad person for being messy or lacking organization. Youre not a bad person for feeling how you feel but this is the kind of deed that doesnt stop after one day. It has to be an everyday meet in the middle type thing. Even if its your home thats what you signed up for when you let him stay.

Kudos to you for letting him stay at all.

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Kick him out, someone who isn't putting in money on the house deserves to fuck off and live in the streets

SableWolfAngel posted...

smoking copious amounts of weed day and night, and leaving the bathroom door open while he's pooping

Fucking gone. Tonight.

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...and expect nothing in return.

You clearly did.

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Guerrilla Soldier posted...

imo, this is on you. but i get it. you wanted to be kind, and thought hey kindness is easy right. well that was the mistake. kindness isn't easy, at all, in fact it's usually not worth it and you end up feeling used. but that's what kindness was supposed to be about, you aren't supposed to care about being used.

ok so you messed up there. lesson learned. what you're stuck with is basically, you can kick them out whenever you want. but don't get confused and think this is out of kindness anymore. now you're looking at this like a business transaction and you should expect it to be responded to as such. it's no longer a friendly thing between friends. it's business.

if you can't handle it, or he can't, it's not worth it. get yourself out of the situation. but if you can both agree to a deal then do the deal with rules and everything. but don't get it mixed up. it's not kindness anymore.

I don't get what you mean. I don't feel like I'm being used, I just feel annoyed. It's not like he got himself kicked out on purpose so he could live with someone else for free. That's not a good plan at all. And I also don't know what you mean by it being business now. I'm not profiting from him staying here nor am I training him to do something for me long term. I fail to see this business angle that you see.

MrDrMan posted...

Im sorry I came off abrasive. What Ive been trying to say is basically what the above poster said. You thought when you let him stay with you then your good deed was essentially over but it doesnt work like that. There are other things that come with that and youll have to either accept it or just ask him to leave.

Some people are more organized than others. Hes not a bad person for being messy or lacking organization. Youre not a bad person for feeling how you feel but this is the kind of deed that doesnt stop after one day. It has to be an everyday meet in the middle type thing. Even if its your home thats what you signed up for when you let him stay.

Kudos to you for letting him stay at all.

Why did you pick that route in the beginning then? I feel like you should have stopped sooner when you saw it wasn't working.

But I digress... I knew it would be an everyday thing, I just envisioned it differently. And I agree that he's not a bad person for being messy, he just needs to realize and amend it. He told me yesterday that things had fallen apart gradually with his ex which is how he became so messy: they both fell into that lifestyle. I told him that it's time to shape up because he's not there anymore and he can start caring again. He seemed to agree, or at least he didn't disagree. And I do meet in the middle. I don't like the smell of weed, but I let him smoke it because he likes it and I don't have anything morally against it. I let him watch television when he's sitting with me for hours even though I'd rather watch random YouTube videos because it makes him comfortable and he's been picking stuff I like lately, like House, MD. I'll keep meeting him in the middle with reasonable changes, but I won't let him just do whatever he wants. He can go back to doing that when he gets his own place.

cardoor123 posted...

Kick him out, someone who isn't putting in money on the house deserves to fuck off and live in the streets

...but I didn't expect him to give me money in the first place. It's not like he's a roommate that promised equal share, he's just a temporary guest. I'd rather he save money and use it to move out than me taking a bunch of it. Then he'll just be here for longer, don't you think?

BeyondWalls posted...

Fucking gone. Tonight.

I have since learned that the open door thing was a one time fluke because I was talking to him before he went to go to the bathroom, he left the door open so he could hear me better, and he didn't expect me to get up and approach the bathroom. He hasn't done it again.

jumi posted...

You clearly did.

Expect what, a little decency? I meant I didn't expect money, goods, or favors in return. There's a big difference.

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TC- Im going through similar issues with legitimate roommates who do pay rent but signed a contract about house rules (it is my house). Its hard to know when its fair to put your foot down on small issues, but sometimes if you dont, you get ran over. You seem to understand that there are lots of nuances you cant predict when bringing in someone new, and while I agree all the things you said seem like common sense, I guess unfortunately not everyone had the same one. I have a roommate that still leaves the door unlocked after being reminded many times in the last 8ish months, to the point that for my own peace of mind I bought a coded door lock that has an auto lock feature.
I think the house meeting was the best way to put your additional rules out there, and that you shouldnt feel bad to continue to enforce those. I disagree with these asshats saying you arent actually being kind- I know you arent telling him every day be sure to pick up your socks since Ive been so generous to you! A house guest should be respectful and as unobtrusive as possible, not out of feelings of superiority/inferiority, but as respect to a person opening their home. Its good manners. If staying an extended (or in this case, unknown) amount of time, I can see them getting a little more comfortable but most people in that situation would still go out of their way to seem like they are contributing to the household. Again- these are common expectations, so since you said yall had a not so great childhood, its possible his behaviors arent matching what you were hoping for due to just an actual knowledge gap, which is all the more reason to freely voice what you need to.
Ultimately, in the same way that no one made you offer up your place, he also isnt required to stay. If he doesnt like being told what to do, hell figure out a place to go or figure out how to not piss you off- I dont mean that like a threat, its just realistically the only options there (beyond also you telling him to leave, which seems unnecessary at this moment).
I also would be upset about the asking your bf for a ride thing, but I think thats a different instinct. Its your friend that you invited in, youre probably a little more sensitive to the intrusions on your bf than those on yourself. You dont want your friend to make your bf feel uncomfortable, and even if he is not feeling that way, you may feel more protective of that (thats how Ive dissected my feelings to be at least, about an almost identical situation)
good luck to you and him! Break ups are tough, you were nice to reach out and offer some kind of respite.

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Yes I agree with MrDrMan. If I were TCs friend and came across this topic I would probably physically vomit from how awful and less-than-human it would make me feel (hell, its doing that to me already even without any personal involvement).

Like fine, you dont want him there then just dont invite himdont use the favor you offered to lord over him and treat him like your golem, even going so far as referring to him as Pet. Jesus Christ.

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Were you hosting CommonJoe?

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I think it's kind of you to do what you're doing, tc. I don't know why everybody's dissecting your motives like they have to be as pure as the driven snow or you're just a superior jerk. Pretty much all acts in this world can be twisted around to have a self-serving element to them if you're intent on doing so, but I know I would sure have a hard time inviting someone into my home. I'm sure you've given him quite a bit of peace of mind over these past weeks, and I hope he gets back on his feet soon.

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Daffadilio posted...

TC- Im going through similar issues with legitimate roommates who do pay rent but signed a contract about house rules (it is my house). Its hard to know when its fair to put your foot down on small issues, but sometimes if you dont, you get ran over. You seem to understand that there are lots of nuances you cant predict when bringing in someone new, and while I agree all the things you said seem like common sense, I guess unfortunately not everyone had the same one. I have a roommate that still leaves the door unlocked after being reminded many times in the last 8ish months, to the point that for my own peace of mind I bought a coded door lock that has an auto lock feature.
I think the house meeting was the best way to put your additional rules out there, and that you shouldnt feel bad to continue to enforce those. I disagree with these asshats saying you arent actually being kind- I know you arent telling him every day be sure to pick up your socks since Ive been so generous to you! A house guest should be respectful and as unobtrusive as possible, not out of feelings of superiority/inferiority, but as respect to a person opening their home. Its good manners. If staying an extended (or in this case, unknown) amount of time, I can see them getting a little more comfortable but most people in that situation would still go out of their way to seem like they are contributing to the household. Again- these are common expectations, so since you said yall had a not so great childhood, its possible his behaviors arent matching what you were hoping for due to just an actual knowledge gap, which is all the more reason to freely voice what you need to.
Ultimately, in the same way that no one made you offer up your place, he also isnt required to stay. If he doesnt like being told what to do, hell figure out a place to go or figure out how to not piss you off- I dont mean that like a threat, its just realistically the only options there (beyond also you telling him to leave, which seems unnecessary at this moment).
I also would be upset about the asking your bf for a ride thing, but I think thats a different instinct. Its your friend that you invited in, youre probably a little more sensitive to the intrusions on your bf than those on yourself. You dont want your friend to make your bf feel uncomfortable, and even if he is not feeling that way, you may feel more protective of that (thats how Ive dissected my feelings to be at least, about an almost identical situation)
good luck to you and him! Break ups are tough, you were nice to reach out and offer some kind of respite.

You get it completely!! I don't want him to feel like I'm just yelling at him or treating him like a child. I only want him to be mindful of certain actions he takes. I think I've been plenty fair with the small amount of restrictions I've placed, but the many freedoms I've allowed. I'm not a tyrant, I'm just organized and I don't think it's too much to ask that my home be kept the way I like it. That's why I gave him a space all his own. I think it would be different if he were sleeping on a couch and had no other room (he even expected to be sleeping on a couch and was pleasantly surprised I offered him a real bed), but I've given him little pockets of space in his room, the living room, the kitchen, and the bathroom. There really is no reason for him to go outside of those spaces. There's also no reason for him to leave trash everywhere or leave out cups of water on the floor that the cats can knock over.
Yes, I suppose that's correct. It's not like he's obligated to stay here or anything. If my ways clash too much with his ways, then that's even more motivation to not get too settled in and move out on his own. Though he seems to be receptive when I tell him what's what. I don't think it's a matter of him not liking being told what to do, I think he just needs a lot of guidance.
Yeah, that was part of it. It may be my home, but my boyfriend is a permanent resident and not his friend so I feel it's getting dangerously close to over the line if he starts asking him for favors. I do feel protective over him and it's far more likely that he'll get tired of my friend faster than me and if that happens then, well... I'll basically have to kick him out. If it comes down to choice, I have to choose my boyfriend. So it's important that my friend doesn't push his luck too far or he'll be out and his cat will be surrendered to the Humane Society and probably put down. I don't want that at all.
Thanks for the well wishes! I'll keep trying!

RoseLuck2X22462 posted...

Were you hosting CommonJoe?

Damn, I've been away for too long because I don't know who that is lol

Simp posted...

I think it's kind of you to do what you're doing, tc. I don't know why everybody's dissecting your motives like they have to be as pure as the driven snow or you're just a superior jerk. Pretty much all acts in this world can be twisted around to have a self-serving element to them if you're intent on doing so, but I know I would sure have a hard time inviting someone into my home. I'm sure you've given him quite a bit of peace of mind over these past weeks, and I hope he gets back on his feet soon.

Thank you! I don't know why some are doing that, either. I think they have a skewed view of charity and kindness that swings too far in one direction. Like, even homeless shelters have rules about curfews, how much stuff you can have, how you interact with others, and general etiquette rules. And they don't allow pets or recreational drugs I'm pretty sure! I'm not sure what they're thinking, honestly. But yes, his comfort and peace of mind has gone up, especially with his cat around. He sure has made himself comfortable so that must mean it's helping!

Shablagoo posted...

Yes I agree with MrDrMan. If I were TCs friend and came across this topic I would probably physically vomit from how awful and less-than-human it would make me feel (hell, its doing that to me already even without any personal involvement).

Like fine, you dont want him there then just dont invite himdont use the favor you offered to lord over him and treat him like your golem, even going so far as referring to him as Pet. Jesus Christ.

You feel less than human when someone tells you how to have manners and how things work where you live? Do you also piss on the floor and throw trash out the window? C'mon dude, every living space has rules and regulations. If I didn't have any organizations, my home wouldn't even be fit for me let alone guests.

And I do want him here. If I didn't, I wouldn't have offered in the first place. I just don't want him making messes or putting us in danger by not locking the door. Do you lock your own door? And that pet thing is an in-joke between me and him so it's the first thing that popped into my head when I had to think of a way to refer to him anonymously. So judgy, geez...

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Wordlessly beat the shit out of him

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PoundGarden posted...

Wordlessly beat the shit out of him

Yeah, that's already been suggested. I dunno if throwing hands is the answer, but I'll keep that in my back pocket!

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