Board 8 > Is it disrespectful to transgenders to say you have a deadname and aren't trans?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I legally changed my name from John to Locke back in 2006 (a name taken from my favorite FF game, fwiw). I was having a discussion with my daughter today who has a transgender friend, who I've known for many years. We were discussing their old name is now a deadname, and I said my birth name is also a deadname.

My daughter thought I was being disrespectful to transgender by stating I also have a deadname, but I wasn't aware it was that sensitive or even appropriated in that manner. All the same I apologized to her, but am I wrong here?

---

My daughter is 14, and really into the LGBTQ movement, and I totally support her (and the movement as well), I just wasn't sure if she or I was misinformed here.


---

The term deadname only applies to trans people and was invented by them. You could easily discover this with Google so I'm not sure what's the point of this topic.
---

transgenders

also this sounds off

I've never seen or heard a similar situation but on first impression it doesn't seem disrespectful to me. Sometimes people change their name due to trauma, or wanting to avoid somebody googling their name and discovering that they were kidnapped as a five year old or some shit. I would probably call those deadnames

What is definitely disrespectful, however, is to use "transgender" as a noun and as a plural noun it sounds even worse to me (though arbitrarily so)

---

Well, I tried to trim the topic title as much as I could, it originally said "transgender community," but I hit the 80 limit pretty quick.


---

I feel like deadnaming is specific to the transgender community, but I also wouldn't view the comparison as 'disrespectful.' I think the main difference is that a deadname calls up more than just a name but everything associated with that time in a negative sense.

---

Is it disrespectful to say you have a deadname when you aren't trans?

nailed it

BakusaiTenketsu posted...

Well, I tried to trim the topic title as much as I could, it originally said "transgender community," but I hit the 80 limit pretty quick.

trans folk

---

As a trans girl myself, I don't find it disrespectful, though I do think it misses the point of what "deadname" is supposed to represent.

I will say though - I do know a couple of people in particular who taks offense to things easily and it probably would bother them.

---

trans here... I wouldn't think of it as the same thing but it's not like that comment would bother me at all. At worst maybe an awkward attempt to relate?

CasanovaZelos posted...

I feel like deadnaming is specific to the transgender community, but I also wouldn't view the comparison as 'disrespectful.' I think the main difference is that a deadname calls up more than just a name but everything associated with that time in a negative sense.

yeah this basically

but uh yeah definitely avoid referring to trans people as "transgenders". again no harm figuring out the terminology but I gotta say I had a bit of a double-take on the title here lol

---

If you say you have a deadname, I am definitely going to assume you're trans, so be aware of that. That said, if your birth name is one that you do not want people to know or speak, even if you are cisgender, I consider it acceptable to call that a deadname, and I would defend you in such a case - I do not think this is strictly applicable only to transgender people even if that's like 99% of the times it'd be used. However, you freely told us what your birth name is, which means you probably don't consider it a true deadname, and that's the key distinction here that you're missing. A deadname is a name that is extremely impolite to speak without absolute necessity and the express permission of the person so named - a deadname is not merely a previous name, but one that's meant to be strictly redacted to affirm that person's current identity that they wish to be known only by.

I don't claim to know everything about LGBTQ, in fact I am quite ignorant on quite a lot of it. But I do want to make sure I learn what's right or wrong, and make sure that I remain a positive influence for my children in that same regard. I'm almost 50, and the times have changed quite a bit since my childhood.

---

I very strongly appreciate not being defensive about this, by the way

Paratroopa1 posted...

I very strongly appreciate not being defensive about this, by the way

^

I kinda say this a lot but I'm always really glad to see people just trying to clarify and understand what they might not get instead of going... well, the other route.

---

GuessMyUserName posted...

^

I kinda say this a lot but I'm always really glad to see people just trying to clarify and understand what they might not get instead of going... well, the other route.

Hurray for wanting to learn and not being an ignorant dickbag who plays victim to things they don't understand!

Sadly all too rare.

---

I'm not trying to defend calling my old name a deadname. I was named after my father (I was John, the IIIrd). He had no relevance in my life, and my mother raised me alone. After I was married, my wife suggested changing my name if I didn't like it so much.

Anywho. This topic does make me feel as though I was definitely in the wrong, and I will apologize to my daughter :).

---

Also, many apologies about the topic title as well.

---

Again, the topic title.. Doesn't really offend me either. I don't believe any transphobia was implied.

---

is it disrespectful to ask if the combination of your birth and current name is intentionally a play on words? >_>

---

That sort of thing is why I actually support the idea that non-transgender people can have a deadname, by the way - hypothetically speaking, if it was a case in which you had a very abusive father and you changed his name to not be his, and it made you uncomfortable to even hear that name spoken because of past traumatic experiences, I would absolutely consider that a deadname. But like I said, if you're comfortable speaking your old name aloud with much prompting, it sort of falls short of the distinction of being a true deadname. It's still a perfectly valid name change (any name change is unless it's for fraud purposes or something), of course, and you should be referred to by your preferred name! But a deadname is kind of a next step above that.

Addendum: not everyone will agree with my opinion on whether or not cisgender people can have deadnames, this is just my take, I feel pretty strongly about it though

Paratroopa1 posted...

Addendum: not everyone will agree with my opinion on whether or not cisgender people can have deadnames, this is just my take, I feel pretty strongly about it though

yeah the first google result says ur wrong sry para get owned

---

I mean if you get married and change your last name, is it deadnaming to be called your previous name? Obviously not. I think the difference between a changed name and a dead name is pretty clear.

---

paperwarior posted...

is it disrespectful to ask if the combination of your birth and current name is intentionally a play on words? >_>

Highly coincidental.

---

Actually I think Ted Bundy's daughter and her mom changed their names specifically to avoid association with him.

---

Crescent-Moon posted...

Again, the topic title.. Doesn't really offend me either. I don't believe any transphobia was implied.

Yeap, the only thing that really bothers me regarding terminology/language is bad intent.

I've got a family that's known me for almost 3 decades and yeah nobody immediately adjusts perfectly, there will be slip-ups or misunderstandings and I'm sure we're all used to that.

Unfortunately the bad intent side is still very much present though and that's what really brings down the mood.

Paratroopa1 posted...

Addendum: not everyone will agree with my opinion on whether or not cisgender people can have deadnames, this is just my take, I feel pretty strongly about it though

ftr my opinion on this one is very much that I do not feel strongly about it at all. It certainly is a concept based on the trans usage but like I said attempting to relate isn't really offensive or anything.

but hey I'm reaping the benefits of having an increasingly unisex birth name I haven't really felt the need to put behind me at least yet (not that I've had a very social life during COVID... or before).

---

I feel like this is a good topic

---

neonreaper posted...

I feel like this is a good topic

no its a bad topic he oculdve just googled the answer

---

BakusaiTenketsu posted...

Highly coincidental.

Fair enough. It just stuck out to me right away.

---

Very un John Locke like.

Should have yelled in her face DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO

---

NFUN posted...

no its a bad topic he oculdve just googled the answer

Just so you are aware, this is one of the top results from googling "deadname,":

"According to one entry in Urban Dictionary, a Dead Name can be described as follows: n. The birth name of somebody who has changed their name. Most commonly attributed to trans people, but can be attributed to any person who has changed their name. ( sometimes written as two words: dead name)"

...I suspect, though, that the tidbit might be by part of what para was saying.

---

I think some people might colloquially refer to any birth name that somebody changed as a deadname but yeah I feel that there is generally a difference between people who still acknowledge their birthname and people who don't and the latter is what I usually think of as a "deadname"

BakusaiTenketsu posted...

Just so you are aware, this is one of the top results from googling "deadname,":

"According to one entry in Urban Dictionary, a Dead Name can be described as follows: n. The birth name of somebody who has changed their name. Most commonly attributed to trans people, but can be attributed to any person who has changed their name. ( sometimes written as two words: dead name)"

...I suspect, though, that the tidbit might be by part of what para was saying.

I was mocking Mac for being a dipshit

---

Anything and everything can be considered "disrespectful" to transgenders and the answer will change daily and depending on who you talk to.

I suspect your 14 year old daughter is already posting on Reddit about how society needs to cancel you

---

lol BT having his nightly melty

---

why is transgender as used in the topic title offensive? legit curious.

---

Aecioo posted...

Very un John Locke like.

Should have yelled in her face DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO

goddammit

(edit) anyway yeah, glad to learn a bit from this thread!
---

MZero posted...

why is transgender as used in the topic title offensive? legit curious.

transgender is an adjective

MZero posted...

why is transgender as used in the topic title offensive? legit curious.

It's improper and usually said in a way that's derisive. It's transgender people, not 'transgenders.' It has like, a similar sort of energy as a fox news-watching grandparent saying 'the blacks.' Not quite on the level of a slur, not really exactly easy to point to why it's offensive, it's just kind of got this subtle element of both reducing people and not taking them seriously. Sorry if that's not really a satisfying answer, it's just one of those things.

Paratroopa1 posted...

It's improper and usually said in a way that's derisive. It's transgender people, not 'transgenders.' It has like, a similar sort of energy as a fox news-watching grandparent saying 'the blacks.' Not quite on the level of a slur, not really exactly easy to point to why it's offensive, it's just kind of got this subtle element of both reducing people and not taking them seriously. Sorry if that's not really a satisfying answer, it's just one of those things.

Thanks! It's kind of confusing that it's fine to use as an adjective but not as a noun, but I guess it must have just picked up a bad connotation based on who was/is using it, which is a fair enough reason to be adverse to it of course. I was just kind of curious if there was more to it

---

Also, I thought people changing their name IRL to a video game character was just a 4chan joke, whoda thunk people actually do that. Cringe x 1 million

---

Well for the first time I have ignored someone on gamefaqs.

---

BlAcK TuRtLe posted...

Also, I thought people changing their name IRL to a video game character was just a 4chan joke, whoda thunk people actually do that. Cringe x 1 million

Now this is just being a asshole. Did you really have to say this?

---

BlAcK TuRtLe posted...

Also, I thought people changing their name IRL to a video game character was just a 4chan joke, whoda thunk people actually do that. Cringe x 1 million

Sounds like you didn't cry yourself to sleep hard enough last night, maybe try again tonight and see how you feel tomorrow morning.

---

Imagine not realizing by now that black turtle makes horrible posts.

---

Block turtle

let it go and move on

---

Nanis23 posted...

Now this is just being a asshole. Did you really have to say this?

Insult trans people, cool

Insult gamers (which is a group that just happens to contain Nanis), now it's a problem

---

They targeted gamers.

Gamers.

---

Hmmm. I dunno what he said but should I unblock BT so he has to read my posts and maybe learn a better perspective?

nah fuck him lol