Current Events > I hate to admit it, but intense conversations fuck me up

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I hate the feeling. I'm assuming it's adrenaline or something but I start shaking a bit and have to force myself to calm down and take deep breaths, and it makes me look childish. And if it goes for super long you'll start to see tears. Even if I have a perfectly sound position. Any one deal with this and know how to solve it? Feels bad.

I envy those who can stay relaxed in all settings. You'd think it's a mind thing until your body betrays you.

Wanna talk about death?

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Dating must be rough
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You'd have a blast storming the Normandy a while back.

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that's why you have to make sure you're the one commanding and controlling the conversation from the start

then the adrenaline is easier to handle because you know you're on top

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People are kind of being jerks, but yeah, it's a pretty common experience. Most people are non-confrontational for basically that reason. I'm a chill guy, but when I get pissed in a conversation, I really get the full physiological response and see red.

It's a natural response. Arguments tend to beget violence, so your body is preparing for the possibility of violence. In actuality it's unlikely your dad is going to try to murder you over your political debate, but your body doesn't know that.

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No_U_L7 posted...

Dating must be rough

For that at least I counter it with having low tolerance and laying the rules. The other poster kind of brought it up. If a conversation needs to be had, I am absolutely prepping for it.

Now, if it comes out of no where, oh boy.

Junior_AIN posted...

You'd have a blast storming the Normandy a while back.

There has to be a fix dammit. I heard inducing pain of flexing parts of your body might help? I haven't tried it. I need to have another intense convo to fix it.

Guerrilla Soldier posted...

that's why you have to make sure you're the one commanding and controlling the conversation from the start

then the adrenaline is easier to handle because you know you're on top

Yeah for sure, this definitely helps. But I always to be prepared and adapt when it comes out of no where. I hate having constantly mentally prep for conversations, while others can just do it so easily.

Happens to me with loved ones. But not at work or with randos. But yeah, having an intense debate or conversation with a family member or someone close really gets to me.

I think its partially my upbringing. My family, especially my moms side are very hush hush, sweep under the rug, tiptoe around things kind of folk. Dont wear it on their sleeves.

The rest of it is probably me growing up and always trying to be stoic.

Are you me TC? I hate this about myself.

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What counts as intense conversation?
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CapnMuffin posted...

Happens to me with loved ones. But not at work or with randos. But yeah, having an intense debate or conversation with a family member or someone close really gets to me.

I think its partially my upbringing. My family, especially my moms side are very hush hush, sweep under the rug, tiptoe around things kind of folk. Dont wear it on their sleeves.

The rest of it is probably me growing up and always trying to be stoic.

Yeah I'm the say way. I was definitely reserved growing up, although it was more of a personal. I don't really blame anyone else since my siblings are definitely different than me. I was just a quiet dude, so I didn't have that many encounters. And if an ancouter was to show up, I was usually known as nonchalant so I'd dismiss it before it starts.

Darkinsanity1 posted...

Are you me TC? I hate this about myself.

It's so fucking annoying. It's like your body just betrays you and it's out of your control. Nothing's worse than one the person you speak with all of a sudden looks at you differently, especially when we're in heated argument and they are absolutely in the wrong.

emblem boy posted...

What counts as intense conversation?

I remember this happening with my manager one time when I worked retail, and he thought I did something wrong but I didn't. But he's a very outspoken person and a bit commanding, but he was dead as wrong and I was trying explain logically why he was wrong. I didn't cry, but I did get a runny nose. Cringing just thinking about it.

A recent one was just at work. No one noticed fortunately and I wasn't in tears or anything serious, it was just that thing you notice when adrenaline starts picking up, but it first was an email convo with another person who's honestly just a bitch. Then we had an audio meeting with others, and she was very combative. And even though, thankfully, I was able to deflect all her claims after a while, my voice was slightly getting lower and choked up. To a normal dude I sounded perfectly fine, but I knew that if this conversation extended by 30 more minutes or so it would be a wrap for me.

I think it mostly stems from someone attacking my character as a person. If it's just a normal argument about whether the sky is blue or not it's fine. But triggering things like interrupting me, yelling, being straight up disingenuous or insulting can effect me. And when they start to see weakness, man do they pounce on it. I sound straight up like a bitch right now. I don't want any sympathy, because this is just how life is and I need to battle it, I just want solutions lmao.

Ahh. Yeah that happens to me at times. The conversation doesn't even have to be deep, I my voice and nose just start getting ready for a good cry session
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I know exactly what you mean TC, it actually used to happen to me. I would shake, my voice would tremble, my body would heat up instantly, and my mind would be lost.

What I do is, I take a deep slow breath through my nose with a straight face and it buys me a few seconds to just gather my thoughts. Otherwise I end up reflexively saying something dumb that I'll regret. Sometimes if I anticipate a verbal altercation, I might rehearse some lines in my head and re-word it so I'm not the aggressor and not throwing fuel on the fire. Something else that I think helps too is speaking sternly to begin.

All those things help alot I think^. By far the best is to just take a moment and pause. It calms everyone down, the other person, you, and makes you look calm and collected in a heated situation.

I used to argue ALOT at work and it would get heated. I'm way better at it now and it doesn't phase me anymore and I'm actually known as the guy who is impossible to phase and always calm.

emblem boy posted...

Ahh. Yeah that happens to me at times. The conversation doesn't even have to be deep, I my voice and nose just start getting ready for a good cry session

True, sometimes its for stupid stuff. Like once my wife and I were debating over a piece of furniture and what to do with it and I was starting to go into internalized meltdown mode for some reason. It was weird and threw her off too. It strikes at the most random times occasionally. So not sure if its a thing where some underlying nerve or past trauma is being subconsciously tickled or its a universal shits just been bottling up and this happens to be the spilling point thing.

emblem boy posted...

Ahh. Yeah that happens to me at times. The conversation doesn't even have to be deep, I my voice and nose just start getting ready for a good cry session

Yup. Starts with the nose usually for me.

The_Dan_Haren posted...

I know exactly what you mean TC, it actually used to happen to me. I would shake, my voice would tremble, my body would heat up instantly, and my mind would be lost.

What I do is, I take a deep slow breath through my nose with a straight face and it buys me a few seconds to just gather my thoughts. Otherwise I end up reflexively saying something dumb that I'll regret. Sometimes if I anticipate a verbal altercation, I might rehearse some lines in my head and re-word it so I'm not the aggressor and not throwing fuel on the fire. Something else that I think helps too is speaking sternly to begin.

All those things help alot I think^. By far the best is to just take a moment and pause. It calms everyone down, the other person, you, and makes you look calm and collected in a heated situation.

I used to argue ALOT at work and it would get heated. I'm way better at it now and it doesn't phase me anymore and I'm actually known as the guy who is impossible to phase and always calm.

This is very good advice, I appreciate it. Taking a deep breath during conversations would help. I'm thinking about the last incident I had and a good pause before speaking would have definitely alleviated the situation. I'll try those other things to. brb waiting until next intense convo to try it out

CapnMuffin posted...

True, sometimes its for stupid stuff. Like once my wife and I were debating over a piece of furniture and what to do with it and I was starting to go into internalized meltdown mode for some reason. It was weird and threw her off too. It strikes at the most random times occasionally. So not sure if its a thing where some underlying nerve or past trauma is being subconsciously tickled or its a universal shits just been bottling up and this happens to be the spilling point thing.

It could be from the way your wife said it maybe, her tone or the words she used.

same Im really pathetic

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I've been there and still go back sometimes when the wrong thing catches me off guard. For me it was usually my alcoholic stepmom, to the point where any little thing she said or did would trigger something in me and it would ruin my day 9 times out of 10, and all the things I wanted to say to her would become trapped in my head, unable to get out. After I moved out, it's not that she got less toxic so much as I suddenly had a lot more downtime that better prepared me for interactions with her and anyone else I know will stress me out.

Don't really have any advice in mind at the moment, just wanted to chime in and say a lot of people have the same reactions to intense conversations.

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