Current Events > Ten years ago right now, I officially entered the worst relationship of my life.

(+) Yeah! (+)

It was, without exaggeration, in retrospect absolutely fucking horrible. It was basically a checklist of all the red flags for a narcissistic relationship.

It started off so well, though. Like, rom-com great. That should have been my first warning, I guess.

We met on an online dating service and ended up communicating offsite. We'd talk on the phone pretty much every night before we met up. Everything was absolutely amazing. We had all the same interests, compatible senses of humour. Our musical tastes even aligned somewhat. She was like, the platonic ideal of my dream girl, from what I could tell at that point. She'd had problems with substance abuse and apparently she'd set a "tree" she'd shared with a partner on fire, but that was all in the distant past. *musical sting*

Anyway, we agreed to finally meet up and go to a punk/emo/electrocrash night. We got there early, so we ended up drinking a cranberry & vodka goonbag in the park.

I was mistaken for a girl by some girls who were doing the same thing. I was flattered. She thought it was awesome I was flattered.

We ended up getting into the club. There were giant alcoholic slushy buckets. There were jagerbombs (which I'd never had until then, which was cool). There were cigarettes smoked on a teeny-tiny terrace.

There was a first kiss while Blink 182's "Feeling This" was playing. The kiss lasted into Wheatus' "Teenage Dirtbag".

We adjourned to a couch for a protracted makeout session and I lost track of the musical accompaniment.

We danced, we made out, we had barrels of fun. We missed the last train. She gave me a mix CD. I gave her a mix CD.

We ended up waiting together until trains resumed service the next day, because I didn't want to leave her on her own.

The next five months were absolutely amazing. Like, memory making stuff.

We saw Happy Feet 2. She had sushi for the first time and cracked a tooth on a piercing. We went on so very many walks. There was The Case of the Mouldy New Rocks (I have the replacement in my wardrobe still).

Then the warning signs started creeping in. She got upset I cut off our Saturday date at 12 AM, to make sure I had enough sleep to give my mum a good Mother's day. She threatened to break things off, I went "ok, if you think this warrants it".

Then my dad got ill. As in, terminally.

That's when the weird as fuck shit started.

She became very cagey. I had to almost always go to her place. Every single time, because my dad having cancer triggered her memories of her uncle with cancer.

She "broke up" with me, because I messaged an ex who had a direct family member who was in oncology to ask what the survival rate was. I was completely transparent and showed every message. I admit this was probably a stupid, selfish call on my part.

She was at that point (and still, to my knowledge), best friends with her ex-fiance who was the rhythm guitarist in her band and one of the absolute best, stand out decent human beings I have ever had the privilege to meet. *Another musical sting*

She "agreed" to not break up with me on the proviso that I made sure she was the most important person in my life. I had to do her a little drawing to present to her each time we met. I agreed, for some weird goddamn reason I can't discern now. In a normal state of mind, I should have shown her the door there and then, but I didn't.

There were so many times I should have told her to fuck off, but I didn't.

I can't even explain why I didn't.

At the time, I was pretty much always running to and fro, trying to make up for some imagined slight. I once didn't message her back straight away while I was at work. I paid for that for a week.

Every single time I had to break off our dates to visit my dad in hospital, she would be pissed off and I'd have to make it up to her.

When my dad was in palliative care, suddenly the guy she cheated on her ex fiance (and best friend) with miraculously started messaging her. She messaged back, of course.

She told me all about the shit he was sending her, but he didn't mean it because he was high on benzos or something.

My dad died a week before Christmas, and his funeral was a few days out from Christmas. Amidst that, she told me I was going to Christmas lunch at her place. I was pretty fucking shell-shocked, so I was just "yeah sure, ok".

Come Christmas day, she held me to it. We had an argument that managed to reach the closest I have ever been to striking a partner. (I have still never hurt a partner, for the record. Ever. I'd rather die.)

She somehow won. So, I, weak piece of shit that I am, left my recently widowed mother alone on Christmas day.

When we got back, nightmare ex was angry I put together the marble run my mum got me for Christmas (ok, granted, this is acceptable, but this sort of thing is my centring activity).

We lasted another four months before I stated to wise up and broke up with her.

We broke up, then she convinced me she had "changed". Spoilers: The manipulative shit never stopped.

I finally went "yeah, nah". Broke up with her for good and a few months later managed to push through the final exchange of possessions and retrieved the money she'd started borrowing off me.

I heard from a mutual friend that she told everyone she'd broken up with me because I was physically and emotionally abusive.

I ran into her best friend/former fiance in a nerd store a few years ago, and he gave me a look of pure hate. That was actually really rough, actually. He really was good people.

---

Thank you, if you read to the end of this. Apologies if you never made it this far, I wish I hadn't There is no TED talk here, just blogFAQs.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

All up, probably about 18 months. Which, in the grand scheme of things is absolutely nothing.

It all sounds quite banal, but she got into my head and did strange things that still make me flinch a little bit when similar scenarios come up with my wife. Who is absolutely amazing and utterly diametrically opposed to said ex in terms of psychology. She's incredibly understanding and as close to a "soul mate" as I'm willing to admit that such things are possible.

Spoilers: Because I broke up with the manipulative ex when I did, I was single at the same time as my previous substantial ex.

We reconnected. We sat down and acknowledged the things that made us break up, and our goals/aspirations moving forward.

It probably sounds incredibly cynical, but we entered a new relationship with each other knowing exactly where the other stood.

We've been married for the past seven years and have probably had that many arguments. Usually, it turns out we're arguing the same thing, just coming at it from a different perspective (if that makes sense). Definitely a distinct change from weekly/daily manufactured drama and arguments.

All in all, it's like one of those perfect storm situations.

Any other time, I wouldn't have dealt with the nonsense.

If it had happened any other time, though, I wouldn't be where I am now, and have the family I do now.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

It was... strange, but it fit.

Let's call problematic ex "Rosanna" and my wife "Ava".*

I finally broke things off with Rosanna in about May 2013. Went to see Cloud Atlas in around June 2013.

Ava was the one who got me interested in David Mitchell's writing, so I let her know it was on in independent cinemas here, and that it was worth a watch. We got talking. We kept talking. We discovered we were both single and met up as friends. We wandered around a brand outlet mall (entirely utilitarian).

By the end of that trip, we ended up in Ava's car outside a McDonalds munching on barbecue bacon cheeseburgers discussing the fact that in all likelihood, we could never *just* be friends.

That is not to make me sound like some kind of lothario, mind you. There are more romantic things in life to discuss a mutual future over than McDonalds wrappers that still bear a faint whiff of bacon and barbecue sauce (no matter how tasty that is).

We ended up dating on a mutually provisional basis, that ended up working. We got engaged towards the end of 2013, married towards the end of 2014. Our first bub came in early 2016, the other mid 2017.

I've never been happier, despite how challenging and frustrating said chilluns can be now they're older. It's a definite "well, even if you could rewind time to remove certain bits, you'd never end up where you are now" moment.

*Names have been changed to be vaguely musically related. *That* ex does actually have a songshe was actually named after (and it's a yikes moment) but it wasn't Rosanna.

Just to think, if I'd shitposted and said:

"Dark Souls is unnecessarily hard'"

I'd have had more posts than some genuine emotional effluvia straight from the heart.

Was she super hot or something

V-E-G-Y- posted...

Was she super hot or something

No Vegy, she was not super hot or something.

I enjoyed reading your story, TC

Who mentioned that you couldnt just be friends first?

damn, can't believe she told others she broke up with you because she claimed you were physically and emotionally abusive. Fucking crazy

Arcanine2009 posted...

damn, can't believe she told others she broke up with you because she claimed you were physically and emotionally abusive. Fucking crazy

Honestly, that might be grounds for a lawsuit if you could find any proof.

But it's probably not worth it at this point.

Kakapo posted...

Just to think, if I'd shitposted and said:

"Dark Souls is unnecessarily hard'"

I'd have had more posts than some genuine emotional effluvia straight from the heart.

Because this sounds like a copypasta, she required you to give her a drawing everytime you met up with her? The fuck. Anyways that Christmas part sounds real messed up, at least youre with a much better person.

RchHomieQuanChi posted...

I enjoyed reading your story, TC

Thank you. At least this historical account has meant some enjoyment for someone.

RedLuigi posted...

Who mentioned that you couldnt just be friends first?

Well, the couldnt just be friends was with Ava after reconnecting, is that what you meant?

Rosanna and I tried for friends before the final split but there was a lot of you broke my heart and mutilation of shared tattoos (on her part, with photos I was sent but have long since deleted).

Seaman_Prime posted...

Because this sounds like a copypasta, she required you to give her a drawing everytime you met up with her? The fuck. Anyways that Christmas part sounds real messed up, at least youre with a much better person.

it really wasnt a copypasta.

At least my drawing skills improved, briefly. I even made her one based on a Garbage song.

Kakapo posted...

I'd have had more posts than some genuine emotional effluvia straight from the heart.

Not to be rude, but you wrote a long winded blog post on a shitposting forum. What'd you expect, lol

Wow that's quite an adventure you had TC, especially the ending leading to your wife!!

Kakapo posted...

All up, probably about 18 months. Which, in the grand scheme of things is absolutely nothing.

It all sounds quite banal, but she got into my head and did strange things that still make me flinch a little bit when similar scenarios come up with my wife. Who is absolutely amazing and utterly diametrically opposed to said ex in terms of psychology. She's incredibly understanding and as close to a "soul mate" as I'm willing to admit that such things are possible.

Spoilers: Because I broke up with the manipulative ex when I did, I was single at the same time as my previous substantial ex.

We reconnected. We sat down and acknowledged the things that made us break up, and our goals/aspirations moving forward.

It probably sounds incredibly cynical, but we entered a new relationship with each other knowing exactly where the other stood.

We've been married for the past seven years and have probably had that many arguments. Usually, it turns out we're arguing the same thing, just coming at it from a different perspective (if that makes sense). Definitely a distinct change from weekly/daily manufactured drama and arguments.

Glad you found someone awesome TC ^5

Damn. That's wild TC. Glad to hear you're in a much healthier relationship now.

So, what made you post this now if this happened back in 2013?

samurai bandit posted...

So, what made you post this now if this happened back in 2013?

I'd assume because it's the anniversary.

Kakapo posted...

I agreed, for some weird goddamn reason I can't discern now. In a normal state of mind, I should have shown her the door there and then, but I didn't.

There were so many times I should have told her to fuck off, but I didn't.

I can't even explain why I didn't.

I can field a guess here. Maybe because she was giving you mindblowing sex that was tying your dick in knots like a balloon animal?

I dated a girl with BPD for two years (Your ex sounds like she was in that ballpark) and on the bad end I remember the abuse I endured, and on the good end I remember absolute tooth-cracking sex along with a few really heartfelt gestures she made.

Kakapo posted...

She "broke up" with me, because I messaged an ex who had a direct family member who was in oncology to ask what the survival rate was. I was completely transparent and showed every message. I admit this was probably a stupid, selfish call on my part.
***********************************
When my dad was in palliative care, suddenly the guy she cheated on her ex fiance (and best friend) with miraculously started messaging her. She messaged back, of course.

She told me all about the shit he was sending her, but he didn't mean it because he was high on benzos or something.

Yeah, she was probably fucking that guy on the side. She resumed contact under the premise of "I just need emotional support because my relationship is so hard right now".

Usually if someone gets wildly suspicious that you're cheating even if you're as transparent about the interaction as you were, it's because they're feeling guilt from cheating themselves. And girls with BPD tend to keep orbiters handy, usually for emotional support. (being a sponge for their emotions essentially) I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that "super awesome band guy/former fiance" is an orbiter too.

Kakapo posted...

I heard from a mutual friend that she told everyone she'd broken up with me because I was physically and emotionally abusive.

I ran into her best friend/former fiance in a nerd store a few years ago, and he gave me a look of pure hate. That was actually really rough, actually. He really was good people.

This is textbook BPD. My BPD ex had no problem telling me how "abusive" all of her exes were, and since the whole "tooth cracking sex" thing was happening, I skated right past red flags like her sugaring their gas tank and shit like that. And after we split and she moved out of state she loftily messaged me to tell me how our relationship where she physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me "wasn't good for her health". So I'm sure that whenever I come up in conversation now, I'm added to the list of her past "abusers".

Sounds to me like you dodged a major bullet, TC. I'm glad you're in a better relationship now.

mybbqrules posted...

I dated a girl with BPD for two years (Your ex sounds like she was in that ballpark) and on the bad end I remember the abuse I endured, and on the good end I remember absolute tooth-cracking sex along with a few really heartfelt gestures she made.

This was my exact experience dating a girl with BPD too. Lasted two years, had some really amazing ups (which got increasingly rare as time went on), but came packaged with some of the worst, most abusive and manipulative down moments of my entire life.

Ohh, I forgot the anecdote about how we cut off contact.

Wed had this Frankensteins monster of a FWB arrangement shed literally begged for (at that stage I was very much trying to scale back any interaction and get some space). Id suggested just being friends without the benefits.

Thats when she told me she was pregnant.

A week or so later she told me shed had a miscarriage.

I was freaking out and was basically on one hand Im glad theres no baby, but I want to be as supportive as possible right now to a female friend.

Thankfully, she was sceptical and asked for more details. When I asked them, Rosanna admitted to making the whole thing up.

It was one mindfuck too far, by that point.

MGS_4_evah posted...

This was my exact experience dating a girl with BPD too. Lasted two years, had some really amazing ups (which got increasingly rare as time went on), but came packaged with some of the worst, most abusive and manipulative down moments of my entire life.

She claimed shed been diagnosed with BPD, but at this point every single thing shed told me is suspect so I dont know.

Kakapo posted...

Well, the couldnt just be friends was with Ava after reconnecting, is that what you meant?

Yes, like who initiated that whole honest bit? Howd you feel upon opening up that side of the conversation?

Did it just feel super normal? Were you excited?

just curious

RedLuigi posted...

Yes, like who initiated that whole honest bit? Howd you feel upon opening up that side of the conversation?

Did it just feel super normal? Were you excited?

just curious

She initiated the honesty conversation, but I was quite happy to take part. The honesty was refreshing, to be completely, well, honest.

Wed broken up because our lives and priorities were in completely different places, but by then our priorities were similar and complementary.

We talked about what we wanted, what our aims and priorities were in the short and long term and what we could and couldnt put up with. It sounds romantic as fuck, I know. Lol

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Its funny (but really not), because a few years later her mum died of cancer. It fucking sucks, because her mum was one of the outright nicest, most decent people I have ever met.

Rosanna sent me a message while it was all going down I never replied to. It was teeteringly close to an apology, without any of the inconvenient actually admitting she was in any way culpable of any wrongdoing. It was all I can see how my behaviour then could have been perceived as

My wife has some mutual friends with her, weirdly enough. After Rosanna sent the apology and I didnt reply, she apparently went hardcore on her social media about how abusive I was and how glad she was that she was recovering from
the abuse, finally.

As an aside, my wife had an issue with something Id been doing - since Ive been on leave Ive been staying up later and keeping her awake. Rather than it becoming this long, unrelenting drama, she raised the issue like an adult and we sorted it out. I will never not be grateful for our relationship.

Coming back to the @mybbqrules comment about the sex thing. It was certainly interesting. She was somewhat imaginative and exploratory, with a distinct penchant for hurting and being hurt during sexy times which didnt really grab me, but to be honest it was fairly average.

My wife and I might stick to a reasonably standard playbook these days, but its just *better*, you know?

It wasnt the sex that kept me in the relationship for so long. I guess part of it was that it started off so great, I thought we could get back to that?

It also wasnt like it was unremittingly awful, Rosanna would just randomly do these incredibly elaborate things to show how much she loved me, and any doubts I had would somehow get shelved. True, theyd be brought up whenever she decided there was something we should fight about as proof that she was more committed to the relationship, but yeah. It was like *manufactured drama, manufactured drama, something elaborate, manufactured drama with additional emotional blackmail*

Kakapo posted...

Ohh, I forgot the anecdote about how we cut off contact.

Wed had this Frankensteins monster of a FWB arrangement shed literally begged for (at that stage I was very much trying to scale back any interaction and get some space). Id suggested just being friends without the benefits.

Thats when she told me she was pregnant.

A week or so later she told me shed had a miscarriage.

I was freaking out and was basically on one hand Im glad theres no baby, but I want to be as supportive as possible right now to a female friend.

Thankfully, she was sceptical and asked for more details. When I asked them, Rosanna admitted to making the whole thing up.

It was one mindfuck too far, by that point.

She claimed shed been diagnosed with BPD, but at this point every single thing shed told me is suspect so I dont know.

Yeah, she's definitely BPD. Most (if not all) of them tend to have abandonment issues, so when you tried to scale back "FWB" to just "F", she went the pregnancy route to try to keep you from "leaving" her.

So again, you're lucky you got out. BPD is a horrible situation for everyone involved. It always stems from significant abuse, and it isn't "curable". I worked for 10 years in acute psych, and saw literally dozens of BPD patients, and all of them had basically been run through a laundry list of meds, therapies,, and treatment options with no luck "fixing" them.

It's hard not to feel bad for BPD sufferers because they are (IMO) the best example of a truly "broken" person. They will always struggle with interpersonal relationships, and always self-sabotage if things get too comfortable and "safe". They tend to feed on drama, and ultimately almost everyone who tries to help them is eventually labeled as an "abuser" and discarded.

It's tough to maintain sympathy for them when you're the victim of abuse by them though. Even now I still "love" my ex inasmuch as I wish the best for her, but I will not allow myself to be manipulated by her any more.