Current Events > lol, i told my friend she's ignoring red flags in her new dude, she deleted me

(+) Yeah! (+)

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


There is something wrong with it if its unsolicited. If the friend had asked Hey what do you think? thats one thing but offering relationship advice people didnt ask for isnt TCs place.

Let people be happy. Her ex being abusive has absolutely nothing to do with the current dude.

I4NRulez posted...

She dates these toxic dudes then isolates herself from her friends.

Lots of people do this. They become completely enamored with dating to the point of shutting all of their friend circle out; even when they date non-toxic people.

To be frank, I think this is also toxic, even if they personally benefit in the long-term. Your friends matter, too.

I think people overvalue romance and undervalue friendships.

MrDrMan posted...

There is something wrong with it if its unsolicited. If the friend had asked Hey what do you think? thats one thing but offering relationship advice people didnt ask for isnt TCs place.

I don't agree. However, from a pragmatic standpoint, she's unlikely to listen if it's unsolicited, so at the very least the desired effect would not be had.

But by your logic, no one should give unsolicited advice for people that are, say, alcoholics or druggies. Guess what? I'm doing it, and if they get pissed, they just do.

MrDrMan posted...

There is something wrong with it if its unsolicited. If the friend had asked Hey what do you think? thats one thing but offering relationship advice people didnt ask for isnt TCs place.

Let people be happy. Her ex being abusive has absolutely nothing to do with the current dude.

I mean it was a little intrusive but i dont think it was too far out of line. I didn't tell her "remember your abusive ex?!?" or anything of that nature.

She was talking about how she liked how he was so spontaneous and i just told her that its not a good spontaneous and to be careful. She asked me why and i said the thing about flowers should be the spontaneous you look for and that he's being overly impulsive and you dont really know him.

I brought up her past in this topic just for some context.

Flea_Plus posted...

I don't agree. However, from a pragmatic standpoint, she's unlikely to listen if it's unsolicited, so at the very least the desired effect would not be had.

But by your logic, no one should give unsolicited advice for people that are, say, alcoholics or druggies. Guess what? I'm doing it, and if they get pissed, they just do.

Go ahead but dont act like people are bad friends when you try to push ideals onto them that they didnt ask for.

People are adults. Let them make their own choices. Listen to yourself. So because youre not an alcoholic or druggie youre better than people and they should listen to you?

Its just an extremely arrogant way of thinking.

I like how romance so easily puts a positive spin on giant negatives like irrational erratic behaviour by using a word like spontaneous.

MrDrMan posted...

There is something wrong with it if its unsolicited. If the friend had asked Hey what do you think? thats one thing but offering relationship advice people didnt ask for isnt TCs place.

Real friends throw opinions at each other without asking all the time. Do you have nothing but yesmen as your friend?

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


"Theres nothing wrong with pointing out that you think she can't handle a relationship on her own and needs guidance. Blocking someone who is telling you this kind of stuff is bad, and you owe them an audience."

Two people who are romantically interested in each other want to live together after talking for a month. It is 2022.

Its not a matter of this guy having a history that endangers her, its about her having a track record that she is somehow responsible for and too stupid to be aware of herself.

You can't even begin to think of this person as a fully functioning human being. Women aren't less than men. Women aren't children.

I4NRulez posted...

I mean it was a little intrusive but i dont think it was too far out of line. I didn't tell her "remember your abusive ex?!?" or anything of that nature.

She was talking about how she liked how he was so spontaneous and i just told her that its not a good spontaneous and to be careful. She asked me why and i said the thing about flowers should be the spontaneous you look for and that he's being overly impulsive and you dont really know him.

I brought up her past in this topic just for some context.

Im not saying you did anything wrong. I just think its best to keep those opinions to yourself unless asked. People arent gonna listen. They never do. Its also not our place to speak on someone elses life.

Instead of saying thats a red flag just casually ask dont you think you should wait or something along those lines. When you say red flag you are painting him in a bad light and she obviously cares for this person so of course that isnt received well.

MrDrMan posted...

Go ahead but dont act like people are bad friends when you try to push ideals onto them that they didnt ask for.

I don't think I've said that.

MrDrMan posted...

People are adults

Are they? Could've fooled me.

MrDrMan posted...

So because youre not an alcoholic or druggie youre better than people and they should listen to you?

When I have an objectively clearer panorama of an alcoholic's situation than they do, then yes. Emotions don't change reality. It's not arrogance; it's insecurity to be offended by this.

MrDrMan posted...

Im not saying you did anything wrong. I just think its best to keep those opinions to yourself unless asked. People arent gonna listen. They never do. Its also not our place to speak on someone elses life.

Instead of saying thats a red flag just casually ask dont you think you should wait or something along those lines. When you say red flag you are painting him in a bad light and she obviously cares for this person so of course that isnt received well.

Delete all my posts and just replace them with this.

VeggetaX posted...

Real friends throw opinions at each other without asking all the time. Do you have nothing but yesmen as your friend?

My friends understand that Im an adult and gonna do what I want so they dont speak on my relationship.

I dont have yesmen because I dont ask for approval. I dont need it. Nobody does. Keep it to yourself.

MrDrMan posted...

There is something wrong with it if its unsolicited. If the friend had asked Hey what do you think? thats one thing but offering relationship advice people didnt ask for isnt TCs place.

Let people be happy. Her ex being abusive has absolutely nothing to do with the current dude.

I could not disagree more. Happiness be damned, it is not the job of a friend to be blindly supportive and bobble-head along.

Does TC know the guy in question? No. But, divorced from any other context, he's absolutely right: a guy pushing to move in together after one month and a single date is a CRIMSON flag. As in, approaching actual "this could damn well be a legit dangerous situation" territory. Is it POSSIBLE that it's legit and will work out? Sure; there are a nonzero number of people who move in very quickly, get married after two months, and have very happy lives. They are grossly outnumbered by those who try that and end up in very, very shitty straits.

If I had a friend come home from a bar one night, and they told me "Guess what! There was this guy there who's a talent agent at Disney! And he says I'd I get him $1500, he can swing a role for me in Season 2 of Loki, that he thinks I'd be perfect for!" Do I, as their friend:

a) Say "Oh my God, good for you! I hope it works out!"

or

b) Say "This is sketchy as hell, and he's probably scamming you hard, or worse. Be careful."

It's not about infantilizing them, or sexism, or anything else. Friends have each other's backs; and if one is doing something dangerous or reckless, there's no reason we should have to wait for them to crash and burn before saying something.

Flea_Plus posted...

I don't think I've said that.

That part wasnt in reference to you.

Are they? Could've fooled me.

Ah you sure are making yourself seem less arrogant.

When I have an objectively clearer panorama of an alcoholic's situation than they do, then yes. Emotions don't change reality. It's not arrogance; it's insecurity to be offended by this.

It is arrogance. You dont understand the simple fact that people dont want your advice so you clearly dont understand as much as you think.

Stop inserting yourself into situations where your help isnt wanted. Its literally that simple.

WingsOfGood posted...

I like how romance so easily puts a positive spin on giant negatives like irrational erratic behaviour by using a word like spontaneous.

"I want to bang the crap out of this person who really likes me too, and housing prices are the highest theyve ever been. Maybe we could move in together if she also likes the idea.

ERRATIC AS FUCK.
Flea_Plus posted...

I don't think I've said that.

Are they? Could've fooled me.

When I have an objectively clearer panorama of an alcoholic's situation than they do, then yes. Emotions don't change reality. It's not arrogance; it's insecurity to be offended by this.

Comparing drugs and alcohol to moving in with a romantic partner during a housing crisis just shows how little you think of women.

DarkBuster22904 posted...

I could not disagree more. Happiness be damned, it is not the job of a friend to be blindly supportive and bobble-head along.

Does TC know the guy in question? No. But, divorced from any other context, he's absolutely right: a guy pushing to move in together after one month and a single date is a CRIMSON flag. As in, approaching actual "this could damn well be a legit dangerous situation" territory. Is it POSSIBLE that it's legit and will work out? Sure; there are a nonzero number of people who move in very quickly, get married after two months, and have very happy lives. They are grossly outnumbered by those who try that and end up in very, very shitty straits.

If I had a friend come home from a bar one night, and they told me "Guess what! There was this guy there who's a talent agent at Disney! And he says I'd I get him $1500, he can swing a role for me in Season 2 of Loki, that he thinks I'd be perfect for!" Do I, as their friend:

a) Say "Oh my God, good for you! I hope it works out!"

or

b) Say "This is sketchy as hell, and he's probably scamming you hard, or worse. Be careful."

It's not about infantilizing them, or sexism, or anything else. Friends have each other's backs; and if one is doing something dangerous or reckless, there's no reason we should have to wait for them to crash and burn before saying something.

The bold is where you lost me. Like Ive said its all about how you phrase it. You can say Hey this sounds kind of sketchy. Be careful but dont say hes probably scamming you because now you are assuming intentions that you clearly do not know and have no way to prove.

You can bring awareness to something without acting like youre somebodys dad. Its simply not our place and most people dont appreciate it.

Jerry_Hellyeah posted...

"I want to bang the crap out of this person who really likes me too, and housing prices are the highest theyve ever been. Maybe we could move in together if she also likes the idea.

I think you are projecting? Trying to defend yourself here to convince yourself instead of defend this dude.

MrDrMan posted...

My friends understand that Im an adult and gonna do what I want so they dont speak on my relationship.

I dont have yesmen because I dont ask for approval. I dont need it. Nobody does. Keep it to yourself.

Real friends keep each other grounded. Being an adult doesn't mean people can't freely give you advice and suggestions. You make it sound like you're too good for that sorta thing, even take it as an insult to receive those kinda things.

VeggetaX posted...

You make it sound like you're too good for that sorta thing, even take it as an insult to receive those kinda things.

A lot of people are like this, although my opinion has changed a bit in this topic because there are more of you disagreeing with that guy than I thought.

I'm not insulting the guy, but it is insecurity. It's obvious. Unsolicited advice shouldn't always be perceived as an insult.

Flea_Plus posted...

Unsolicited advice shouldn't always be perceived as an insult.

It shouldn't if it comes from a genuine concern, especially from a friend. People just think they have too figured out. It's a conceited trait for sure if you ask me.

VeggetaX posted...

Real friends keep each other grounded. Being an adult doesn't mean people can't freely give you advice and suggestions. You make it sound like you're too good for that sorta thing, even take it as an insult to receive those kinda things.

Its not that Im too good its that Im the one that has to deal with the consequences so I will make the decision myself. Like what if this dude ends up being great for TCs friend? Theres no way to know so I dont think TC should be trying to paint the dude in a bad light.

Really I just dont think its anyones place to speak on who someone dates. Its just not your business. There are a million other things you can suggest or give advice on. Let people date who they want.

VeggetaX posted...

It shouldn't if it comes from a genuine concern, especially from a friend. People just think they have too figured out. It's a conceited trait for sure if you ask me.

Yep. Far more arrogant than the one giving the advice.

VeggetaX posted...

It shouldn't if it comes from a genuine concern, especially from a friend. People just think they have too figured out. It's a conceited trait for sure if you ask me.

This goes both ways. You are being the person that thinks they know everything when you give unsolicited advice. You are suggesting your decision making is better than someone elses therefore they need to listen to you.

MrDrMan posted...

Really I just dont think its anyones place to speak on who someone dates. Its just not your business. There are a million other things you can suggest or give advice on. Let people date who they want.

If your friend has a history of abuse and toxic behavior from past partners then why on earth would you keep your mouth shut if you see another red flag in the next guy? Should TC have kept quiet and just watch his friend waltz into a bad situation without saying anything? What if that was your mom or your sister?

If the person is forcing their opinion on you then yeah they're in the wrong. However, good friends give off advice and suggestions, not forcing people to make decisions. It's pretty easy to judge what is what in these scenario.

A_Good_Boy posted...

If your friend has a history of abuse and toxic behavior from past partners then why on earth would you keep your mouth shut if you see another red flag in the next guy? Should TC have kept quiet and just watch his friend waltz into a bad situation without saying anything? What if that was your mom or your sister?

Irrelevant. TC doesnt know this guy and the previous dudes have nothing to do with him. He could be the best guy ever. You dont know thats why its not your place to speak on it.

Everyone has red flags. Nobody is perfect. I dont know how you think its helpful to point out the guy isnt perfect.

If that was my mom or sister then I would simply tell them Im always there and leave it to them. Its not my place.

MrDrMan posted...

Its not that Im too good its that Im the one that has to deal with the consequences so I will make the decision myself. Like what if this dude ends up being great for TCs friend? Theres no way to know so I dont think TC should be trying to paint the dude in a bad light.

Really I just dont think its anyones place to speak on who someone dates. Its just not your business. There are a million other things you can suggest or give advice on. Let people date who they want.

Maybe I'm a perfect world, where there weren't so many shitty people, and the dating scene in particular weren't dangerous as all hell.

The dangers present in moving in with someone after a single date and a month's worth of Tinder chat go FAR beyond "omg, what if they break up?" You say we shouldn't assume intent on the guy, but the alarms this is setting off would light a city block, even divorced from this friend's past history. She could be perfectly grounded and sensible, and this would STILL be a dangerous idea. This is how people legit go missing, and there's no reason anyone should just "assume the best" when playing a game of Russian Roulette.
MrDrMan posted...

The bold is where you lost me. Like Ive said its all about how you phrase it. You can say Hey this sounds kind of sketchy. Be careful

And then the immediate question from the friend is "Why do you think it's sketchy?"

Because the completely unvetted dude at a random ass bar is pulling many textbook tricks of money scammers and sex traffickers.

It all leads to the same place. There's ALWAYS assumed intent, in any judgement/evaluation of action. Without it, there's nothing to evaluate.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


"It can end badly sometimes when people move in together after a month if talking and one date" is a stance.

Pushing that on someone else to the point you get blocked by a 10 year friend isn't a stance.

No lessons learned here, I suppose.

WingsOfGood posted...

I think you are projecting? Trying to defend yourself here to convince yourself instead of defend this dude.

Oh boy, you REALLY didn't think on that for more than a blink. So, am I.....

1. In a good relationship speaking from experience and youre saying you know better?

2. In a bad relationship and just loving it?

3. None of the above, and your comment was ad hominem brainlessness?

Definitely a red flag, but I did have a a friend who asked her new boyfriend to move with her and she was the red flag, not the boyfriend.

because her last boyfriend cheated on her and it made her paranoid. Luckily the new boyfriend recognized this and just work with her. She trusts him completely now but only because he was so understanding.

He had every right to leave her at times

also theres nothing wrong with telling your friend that there something wrong or fishy even when they dont ask.

if they cut you off after that, then they probably werent friends

Biofighter55 posted...

because her last boyfriend cheated on her and it made her paranoid. Luckily the new boyfriend recognized this and just work with her. She trusts him completely now but only because he was so understanding.

That's a healthy approach to the situation. So im glad it worked out for your friend

in hers he suggested it and she's all for it. They are both red flags lol

MrDrMan posted...

Its not that Im too good its that Im the one that has to deal with the consequences so I will make the decision myself. Like what if this dude ends up being great for TCs friend? Theres no way to know so I dont think TC should be trying to paint the dude in a bad light.

Really I just dont think its anyones place to speak on who someone dates. Its just not your business. There are a million other things you can suggest or give advice on. Let people date who they want.

I never said she should stop seeing him. I said that him suggesting moving in together after 1 date is a red flag.

My advice wasn't telling her to stop talking to him. The dude could have been a great guy but what he suggested was definitely a red flag. With her track record of the men she dated i just wanted to try to help her not rush into a situation like she has been in the past.

Ultimately you're right and its her decision at the end but if me telling her to look for red flags could help her see that there could be more and save her from a bad situation then im all for it.

It's sad, but sometimes you just gotta accept that people aren't gonna take any advice and they'll just continue jumping into pits. At that point, you can either choose to just stop all communication or learn to emotionally disassociate from their emotions/life during their train wrecks and still be there as a someone to vent to. That way when they talk it's more interesting than it is draining and stressful and you still get to be there for them.

That's what I do >_>. Im not gonna care after a certain point of you not taking any advice or help I offer. At that point, you're just dragging me down with you for no other reason than cause you're selfish and don't care what your friends experience on their end of the friendships.

Then again, nothing has actually happened to your friend yet. So, you could just be paranoid for all I know. Paranoid because she always does this. But maybe she'll get lucky and the guy is just a weirdo.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Yeah i dont get where its coming from either lol.

There was no pushing of the idea. She told me about the guy. I said that him saying that is a red flag. We talked about the spontaneous stuff and the conversation ended lol.

This dude is coming in here thinking im trying to force her to not talk to this dude. Everything i've said in this topic is what i said to her about her and the dude. The rest of our conversation was like "Hows work" "hows your family"

Jerry_Hellyeah posted...

Oh boy, you REALLY didn't think on that for more than a blink. So, am I.....

1. In a good relationship speaking from experience and youre saying you know better?

2. In a bad relationship and just loving it?

3. None of the above, and your comment was ad hominem brainlessness?

Avoiding an answer. Typical

If you weren't projecting you would just said "no I am not projecting". Yet here we are and you actually wrote all that.

VeggetaX posted...

If the person is forcing their opinion on you

I'm having a hard time distinguishing between this and unsolicited advice. Not that I'm necessarily objecting.

Wanting to move in quickly isn't in and of itself a red flag.

this is why you don't take relationship advice from message boards

MrDrMan posted...

Ah you sure are making yourself seem less arrogant.

I'm not really trying to.

But to expound on this, notice how many "adults" are quick to belittle and bully everyone they see? They gang up on others for no reason other than social status. Look at this board. Then even when they're being helpful, they still find a way to be harsh and hurtful while telling you to fuck off.

It's like my friend said: most adults never escape the high school phase. They just become more subtle about being obnoxious; I really don't think the difference between children and adults is as large as people would have you believe. At best, adults practice more situational restraint, but there's no reason to assume good intentions by default when they do that. Besides, even if they are being sincere in those cases, it doesn't make them a good person. At least children/teenagers are honest and direct, which I believe society needs more of for non-nefarious reasons. Hint: I think honesty would save a lot of heartache and awkwardness in the long-term if people could get past pussyfooting in the short-term for the sake of their own emotional comfort.

MrDrMan posted...

You dont understand the simple fact that people dont want your advice

I do; I just don't care. Well, not inherently.

MrDrMan posted...

Stop inserting yourself into situations where your help isnt wanted. Its literally that simple.

Maybe. An alternative scenario that's equally viable is for people to learn to grow a thicker skin and stop taking everything so seriously. This is another example of how adults aren't much different than children; and you want to call me arrogant?

Anyway, yes. Objectively, I have a better handle on an alcoholic's situation than they do. Why? Alcohol wrecks your psychology. My friends' feelings aren't as important to me as their livelihoods; I will purposefully overstep boundaries in that case, even if they've erected them. I'm not going to watch them just kill themselves physically and mentally for an unnecessary chemical fix.

Like, do you even know what the fuck alcoholism entails? People's entire lives, including their connection with friends and family members, are frequently destroyed because of this. Fuck boundaries, fuck social norms, and fuck feelings. I'm not watching that.

Flea_Plus posted...

I'm having a hard time distinguishing between this and unsolicited advice. Not that I'm necessarily objecting.

Tone and context matters here.

"I'm telling you, bro. You're making a big dumb mistake here. Don't ask me for nothing when you fuck up"

"Hey man. Do whatever you want and I'll support you the best way I can but I think what you're doing isn't such a good idea from what I see"

Oreos74 posted...

yeah we basically were hanging out nearly every day after school and work etc.

Then your situation does not correlate here. These people have only had one date

VeggetaX posted...

Tone and context matters here.

"I'm telling you, bro. You're making a big dumb mistake here. Don't ask me for nothing when you fuck up"

"Hey man. Do whatever you want and I'll support you the best way I can but I think what you're doing isn't such a good idea from what I see"

Ah, yes! I'm in total agreement with that.

Yeah thats way too soon to talk about moving in. They barely know each other.

And apparently she values a guy she barely knows over a friend she knew for years if thats all it takes to delete someone these days. Ouch.

I dunno why anyone would think a girl's relationship
I4NRulez posted...

Ultimately you're right and its her decision at the end but if me telling her to look for red flags could help her see that there could be more and save her from a bad situation then im all for it.

The fact that you're all for it despite her feelings on the matter is the exact issue at hand, and likely a big part of that blocking.

You need to take a big step back and look at just how patronizing it is to bring up past abusers to instill fear in someone.

Jeez, you guys are still arguing about this?

NoxObscuras posted...

Jeez, you guys are still arguing about this?

Yup! Are you enjoying it? :)

That is BLATANTLY a red flag and it worries me that people would say otherwise. That's not to say that it can't work out, but that's highly suspect behavior and even more so when experienced by a person that seems to struggle recognizing red flags already.

I don't see how what some of your are suggesting is different from letting a friend walk into a trap out of fear of being condescending or patronizing. I'd much rather raise it respectfully than see a friend with a black eye after I didn't say anything.

I4NRulez posted...

Nah, I don't see it this time. Kinda sucks cause I've known her for so long but we've grown in opposite directions.

She dates these toxic dudes then isolates herself from her friends. Other mutual friends have told me that they dont talk to her anymore either. I was just the last one i guess to go.

She sounds like a vile toxic woman herself with zero respect or loyalty to long time freinds. You should have cut her off for good long ago.

legendary_zell posted...

That is BLATANTLY a red flag and it worries me that people would say otherwise. That's not to say that it can't work out, but that's highly suspect behavior and even more so when experienced by a person that seems to struggle recognizing red flags already.

I don't see how what some of your are suggesting is different from letting a friend walk into a trap out of fear of being condescending or patronizing. I'd much rather raise it respectfully than see a friend with a black eye after I didn't say anything.

It worked out for me so it will work out for you too!

And how dare you give some friendly advice to people you care about!