Current Events > Welp, couple's therapy just took the turn I feared

(+) Yeah! (+)

After 50 minutes of passively and politely agreeing I'm a slob that doesn't clean up the kitchen, I decide to bring up how part of my hostility in that regard comes from feeling that the chores my wife participates in have to be split, but the ones she doesn't, well fuck me those are mine. Firewood, finances, taking care of our dogs, those are me because fuck me (figuratively, of course). She gets mad, saying "why do I try to tie with her" and "we were having a perfectly fine session". The therapist, on the other hand, sees this interaction, calls it interesting, tries to validate me, I also reaffirm this therapy is supposed to be for us both. Wife just kinda brushes it off, therapist suggests we talk things out afterwards, wife just goes to do other stuff she had pending and doesn't bring up talking it out. A little later she comes and says "I didn't get today's session at all" and "you and her have your own rythm and language and I feel left out". From the same person who said the first 50 minutes of the session were great, because it was about me being an inconsiderate slob.

This may be the point of no return for me.

Care CE.

Sorry I know nothing about relationships so I can't help but I feel for you

Firewood?

What chores does she do? Are chores a big problem?

If so, can you set it up so that chores are split evenly? Say, "<These> are my chores, <these> are your chores. Would you rather each person be solely responsible for their own chores, or would rather share responsibility?" If she says that each person is responsible for their own chores, make it so. If she's doing laundry and asks for help say, "Are you going to help me with the dog?"

Don't be accusatory, don't try to create conflict, but set up boundaries, test them, and communicate.

So she doesn't want to actually work out and fix problems in the relationship, she just wants to vent about what she doesn't like about you

DarkChozoGhost posted...

So she doesn't want to actually work out and fix problems in the relationship, she just wants to vent about what she doesn't like about you

from what Ive heard this is basically how every couples therapy ends up

Are you in therapy due to chores?

littlebro07 posted...

from what Ive heard this is basically how every couples therapy ends up

At least I'm content the therapists didn't decisively take her sidde.

The biggest thing I learned from couples therapy was to preface everything with I feel thats how you win, cause feelings arent wrong, I won and she didnt want to go to therapy anymore

damn dude wtf just clean the house sometimes

I was hoping this would be a really facetious joke topic, like that the session went really well and your wife is in love with you again so you can't dump her or something like that.

I'm sorry your relationship has come to this. It's never easy confronting the negative aspects of someone you care so much about, let alone a romantic partner. I feel like denial has a lot to do with it - you want to make something work because it's such a core part of your life, but there's only so long you can ignore the bad stuff or try to live with it before it's all that the relationship is to you.

It's not unfair or wrong to feel that way, either. As you said, you feel like you were going along with the session when it was all about your negative qualities, but when you tried to assert your needs in this space which is meant to help both of you, she fell right off. You're trying to work with her and it feels like she isn't as receptive to your needs. That's valid.

Do you have a good support structure in your life should the worst come to pass? If not, you might want to touch base with some people who can be there for you in case of a worst case scenario. Even if this can be smoothed out, start making a survival plan just in case.

KiwiTerraRizing posted...

Are you in therapy due to chores?

No, it was an example.

R1masher posted...

The biggest thing I learned from couples therapy was to preface everything with I feel thats how you win, cause feelings arent wrong, I won and she didnt want to go to therapy anymore

I always preface it that way because that's the correct way, it's not about "winning". I'd much prefer she realized what's wrong with out relationship than me "winning" and not going to therapy anymore.

Tote_All_ posted...

No, it was an example.

I always preface it that way because that's the correct way, it's not about "winning". I'd much prefer she realized what's wrong with out relationship than me "winning" and not going to therapy anymore.

nah, its about winning, I won, that shit was wack

Do a body swap for a week

Tote_All_ posted...

No, it was an example.

I always preface it that way because that's the correct way, it's not about "winning". I'd much prefer she realized what's wrong with out relationship than me "winning" and not going to therapy anymore.

When it starts to become a war over petty shit you are just trying to hurt each other, hard to get past that.

Honestly manjust based on this topic aloneI would seriously consider talking to a lawyer in case you go the divorce route. This definitely seems like she just wants to vent about you. The moment it turned to her, like you said, she didnt get it anymore. Sorry, man. :/

Just take it as a sign she's not the one to marry.

Plenty of married couples dread the day they have to consider counseling. To already be at that stage unmarried is like the universe taking a shit on your shoe with a neon message attached saying "Why are you still here? BAIL THE FUCK OUT NOW ".

That's not hyperbole. That's reason and self preservation.

Pastryarchy posted...

"Why are you still here? BAIL THE FUCK OUT NOW ".

tbh I feel like this often

This shit is complicated. I can't say much based on what you wrote, as it doesn't sound objective. It sounds like you both have a lot of built up resentment. I have been there, was married (plus dating) to the same person for 20 years. It got bad. Divorce became the only solution and my life got so much better. But that should be a last resort.

How long have you been together? Any children?

Oh, you're no married? Well if you dont have any kids, git. You're not protecting anything and hurting your future SO because youre dragging your feet

Unless shes hot af

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/user_image/7/4/2/AAfRuyAADpVe.jpg

the root of all zee problems are simple

Tote_All_ posted...

tbh I feel like this often

Often you say. Start making those exit plans bro

Yeah if not married and specially without kids and shit ain't working no amount of counseling will help

I'm not a relationship expert.

If you're constantly wondering if you should leave though, that's probably a sign that you should. From what you've said in this topic, it seems like she isn't really interested in trying to make things work.

Relationships require two(Or more, if you're poly) people to work at it. If you're the only one... it's not gonna work.

We are married and we have a kid.

Sorry things aren't well. I recall at least one other topic on your relationship. Based on what you've shared I don't see a way that this gets better. You're trying something though and that's important. Hopefully you don't feel like you just need to suck it up and be miserable for the rest of your life with her

Tote_All_ posted...

We are married and we have a kid.

Oh.

That complicates things considerably.

Oh you're fucked then.

Tote_All_ posted...

We are married and we have a kid.

How old is the kid? Just know that he/she can still be happy even if you get divorced. My 4 daughters are just fine. Actually, they are currently excited that I am going to get married again.

But don't rush into a divorce if things can be rectified. It is just also important to not stay together for the kid. Watching a loveless marriage is worse than divorce. My kids can now see how we move on and find happiness again. They see me and my fiance and understand how good a relationship can be. They would have only seen bitterness and resentment if we had stayed married.

bsp77 posted...

How old is the kid? Just know that he/she can still be happy even if you get divorced. My 4 daughters are just fine. Actually, they are currently excited that I am going to get married again.

But don't rush into a divorce if things can be rectified. It is just also important to not stay together for the kid. Watching a loveless marriage is worse than divorce. My kids can now see how we move on and find happiness again. They see me and my fiance and understand how good a relationship can be. They would have only seen bitterness and resentment if we had stayed married.

Good advice

As someone whos been though a few rounds of this across 17 years of marriage/22 years of being with the same person, this all hits home.

We went through a round of this as soon as last year, and at that point things got to their worst and talk of divorce, or at least separation, got pretty serious. We have a kid though too, so yeah that complicates things.

Ultimately things got better and we got though it. Did anything really get resolved though? Well, in all honesty, not really. She turned 40 and pretty much killed several of her good friendships through the year, so she was in a pretty fucked up mental state and I mostly took the brunt of the fallout, is what I chalk it up to.

I dunno I completely get the case for the just get divorced, even with a kid itll be for the best approach. In certain situations, that definitely is the best call. In my case though, when weighing out and really thinking through how each path would play out, that option really didnt seem to be the best. It wouldnt have brought me any happiness or resolution, that much I know. In hindsight, sticking it out ended up being the better option for sure.

No 2 situations are going to be alike, and every couple is different. Just have to know yourself, know your situation, and weigh the pros, cons, and options all out accordingly, and have a solid list of what you can live with, and what you absolutely cant tolerate. If things remain in the cannot tolerate space for too long and theres no hope in sight for getting out of it, then hard decisions might need to be made. Otherwise, if its all just stuff that you think you can live with and will mostly just be an annoyance, well, eventually you just kinda get used to it all and tolerate it.

Does your wife work ?

Rassiter posted...

Does your wife work ?

Why do you ask?

Tote_All_ posted...

Why do you ask?

Because if she doesn't , her complaints seem even more stupid.

Everyone can tell at a glance she's a taker. If you want to stay with her, I advise getting yourself right with the fact that you will always do more than your fair share. And the more you give the more she'll want to take. Some people are just like that. She will never, ever change.

Umbreon posted...

That complicates things considerably.

if it goes to the worse case. always gotta be there for the kid. it shouldn't be used as a weapon (both sides).

If someone is unwilling to listen, there isnt anything you can do. Sorry :/