Current Events > My fiancee finally stopped drinking after 10+ years

(+) Yeah! (+)

And is kind of a bitch lol. I totally get it and am proud of her and encouraging her but she's clearly getting annoyed with me. I've never lived with someone who's going through withdrawal and have no idea what to do. I had bought some fancy Tennesse Whiskey cheese to snack on and asked her if I should offer her any and she looked at me like I was a fucking idiot...then ate the cheese lol. I feel like she's offended when I ask if ___ will trigger her.

So any advice? I'm trying to be supportive and expected her to be irritable and I'm not trying to fight with her or anything so a lot of shit is being handwaved rn.

u dont want my advice i think. sorry you are having a hard time.

I wouldnt have known what to do with the cheese either tbh

ok maybe u do need my advice.

you are not encouraging her if you are drinking too.

you might as well either stop drinking too or really, really don't ask her if she's gonna get "triggered"

it's triggering to be asked. really.

PoundGarden posted...

And is kind of a bitch lol. I totally get it and am proud of her and encouraging her but she's clearly getting annoyed with me. I've never lived with someone who's going through withdrawal and have no idea what to do. I had bought some fancy Tennesse Whiskey cheese to snack on and asked her if I should offer her any and she looked at me like I was a fucking idiot...then ate the cheese lol. I feel like she's offended when I ask if ___ will trigger her.

So any advice? I'm trying to be supportive and expected her to be irritable and I'm not trying to fight with her or anything so a lot of shit is being handwaved rn.

Well I've seen it and expierenced it people getting Clean/sober after a long time struggle to manage their emotions cause they don't have that drink or drug to fix it anymore. Like just knowing you got it to look forward to later takes some edge off like if your at work and can't drink.

Fortunately I'm not a angry person. But during my first 30 days I've almost cried so many times and I've never been one to cry. Just being addicted seems to dampem your emotions while you aren't at the moment under the influence. And it can be the good and bad. Though the good won't come till withdrawals are done. I heard so many people in rehab have a good hearty laugh at something then claim they forgot what it felt like to have a genuine laugh while sober.

She will need to figure out her triggers. You don't always outright know them but when she does she should have a talk with you about it. She can't avoid every trigger forever so she's gonna have to learn coping skills. Not every coping skill works for everyone so she'll have to try em out and see what works. Deep breathing meditation things to distract her etc.

If she fucks up and gets drunk one night DO NOT get on her case. That will drive a person right back to drinking as feeling down a fuck up etc will take em down that path again.

Random suggestion from someone I went to rehab with. Re arrange the house. It's a common suggestion to change the people places and things that you'd drink around. Not everyone can move but you can make it feel different.

Like I still haven't sat in my living room since I've been back. It's where I'd sit everyday after work and drink.

AloneIBreak posted...

I wouldnt have known what to do with the cheese either tbh

It felt like a stupid question but wtf do I know. Exceptionally good cheese btw

Robot2600 posted...

ok maybe u do need my advice.

you are not encouraging her if you are drinking too.

you might as well either stop drinking too or really, really don't ask her if she's gonna get "triggered"

it's triggering to be asked. really.

She's already said it won't bother her if I drink around her but I probably wont since it's not a big deal at all, I'm not a big drinker

Feels weird to ask her yeah but it also feels weird to just be like "ok cool good luck with that etc" and then just act like everything is normal if that makes sense? Like I'm not taking it seriously idk

PoundGarden posted...

It felt like a stupid question but wtf do I know. Exceptionally good cheese btw

She's already said it won't bother her if I drink around her but I probably wont since it's not a big deal at all, I'm not a big drinker

Feels weird to ask her yeah but it also feels weird to just be like "ok cool good luck with that etc" and then just act like everything is normal if that makes sense? Like I'm not taking it seriously idk

Probably best to not drink around her for awhile. Recovering alcoholics eventually have to learn they can't always avoid being around it though.

Sufferedphoneix posted...

She will need to figure out her triggers. You don't always outright know them but when she does she should have a talk with you about it. She can't avoid every trigger forever so she's gonna have to learn coping skills. Not every coping skill works for everyone so she'll have to try em out and see what works. Deep breathing meditation things to distract her etc.

What's crazy is that's literally what I do at work. I literally wrote up a service plan for someone with a list of her triggers, coping skills, utilizing natural supports etc. And that's also where it gets muddier I can totally and rightfully see her getting pissed if she thinks I'm treating her like one of our patients.

Sufferedphoneix posted...

If she fucks up and gets drunk one night DO NOT get on her case. That will drive a person right back to drinking as feeling down a fuck up etc will take em down that path again.

For sure. All I really did was tell her I'm not ready to get married until this gets under control so there's a goal more so than a consequence. If she isn't successful nothing changes from where things are now, I'd be disappointed but wouldn't rub it in her face.

Sufferedphoneix posted...

Random suggestion from someone I went to rehab with. Re arrange the house. It's a common suggestion to change the people places and things that you'd drink around. Not everyone can move but you can make it feel different.

Like I still haven't sat in my living room since I've been back. It's where I'd sit everyday after work and drink.

That sounds like a great idea, I'll run it by her. Thanks!

I appreciate you sharing your insight it really was helpful

You sound like a bad partner. "Oh let me tease my future wife whos trying to turn her life around hurr hurr" hope she dumps you

JuanCarlos1 posted...

You sound like a bad partner. "Oh let me tease my future wife whos trying to turn her life around hurr hurr" hope she dumps you

How exactly am I teasing her? If I didn't give a shit I wouldn't be asking for unbiased advice

im just gonna say this too:

i don't approve of quitting drinking. hear me out.

alcoholism is an extreme; sobriety is another extreme. maybe some alcoholics can actually learn moderation. the problem isn't booze, it's drinking to excess.

i've had a drinking problem before. i changed my habits and still drink but im okay and im not headed toward disaster like i was. it's possible.

if someone really likes booze (i.e. me) then giving it up FOREVER is just a horrible proposition. fix your problems as best you can, but I don't think AA is the best solution.

Try and be supportive, but alcohol is ubiquitous in the modern world, if your understanding attitude with some cheese triggers her -- she better be fully prepared to never leave the confines of your house.

On the other hand, avoid drinking around her -- and make sure if you do drink outside try and not go staggering back saying "Best night ever" or something similar.

Also, remember that if she was an alcoholic (which your mention of withdrawal points to) -- she still is, she just hasn't had a drink -- so maybe bear that in mind with all interactions in the future.

Drink elsewhere with your friends and not in front of her if she just quit.

Also, have you given your puppy a bath yet?

PoundGarden posted...

What's crazy is that's literally what I do at work. I literally wrote up a service plan for someone with a list of her triggers, coping skills, utilizing natural supports etc. And that's also where it gets muddier I can totally and rightfully see her getting pissed if she thinks I'm treating her like one of our patients.

For sure. All I really did was tell her I'm not ready to get married until this gets under control so there's a goal more so than a consequence. If she isn't successful nothing changes from where things are now, I'd be disappointed but wouldn't rub it in her face.

That sounds like a great idea, I'll run it by her. Thanks!

I appreciate you sharing your insight it really was helpful

Also even if she doesn't wanna do AA reading the book itself has some insights. There's a recovery program too called smart. Haven't read the book yet but it's an attempt at a recovery program that doesn't put so much emphasis on God or spirituality as AA does.

But the AA book had some insights on how the mind of a alcoholic works and how an alcoholics mind can be their own worst enemy in terms of deceiving itself into shit like one drink is ok. It can be a bit preachy though. But it is stressed these days that it's not Christian based that if you simply belive in sine form of higher power even something like nature that's good enough. So it should only be a deal breaker for a atheist. In which as said I'd check out smart recovery.

Robot2600 posted...

im just gonna say this too:

i don't approve of quitting drinking. hear me out.

alcoholism is an extreme; sobriety is another extreme. maybe some alcoholics can actually learn moderation. the problem isn't booze, it's drinking to excess.

i've had a drinking problem before. i changed my habits and still drink but im okay and im not headed toward disaster like i was. it's possible.

if someone really likes booze (i.e. me) then giving it up FOREVER is just a horrible proposition. fix your problems as best you can, but I don't think AA is the best solution.

You aren't a alcoholic then. Not truly. Alcohol can be physically addicting to anyone if they drink enough. They say it's a disease but despite it sounding worse I agreed with those that say it's a mental disorder. I've met with people that said they stayed sober for years but they decided one drink was ok after so long and they said it ended up being like they never quit in the first place. Picked back up right where they left off. Which ends up being worse on your body than had you not quit at all in some cases. It's more a NA saying but it applies. 1 is too many 1000 isn't enough. Meaning you take that one and it's gonna end up being a lot more.

That's if the person is truly an alcoholic though.

Robot2600 posted...

im just gonna say this too:

i don't approve of quitting drinking. hear me out.

alcoholism is an extreme; sobriety is another extreme. maybe some alcoholics can actually learn moderation. the problem isn't booze, it's drinking to excess.

i've had a drinking problem before. i changed my habits and still drink but im okay and im not headed toward disaster like i was. it's possible.

if someone really likes booze (i.e. me) then giving it up FOREVER is just a horrible proposition. fix your problems as best you can, but I don't think AA is the best solution.

Thats basically me, I had a really bad drinking problem and like 3 years of my life is a blur but I can drink like a "normal" person now. Idk if she can do that tbh. She drank every single day for years and was going through 2-3 jugs of vodka a week

coolguyjimmy posted...

Try and be supportive, but alcohol is ubiquitous in the modern world, if your understanding attitude with some cheese triggers her -- she better be fully prepared to never leave the confines of your house.

On the other hand, avoid drinking around her -- and make sure if you do drink outside try and not go staggering back saying "Best night ever" or something similar.

Also, remember that if she was an alcoholic (which your mention of withdrawal points to) -- she still is, she just hasn't had a drink -- so maybe bear that in mind with all interactions in the future.

So in general, is it frowned upon to offer alcoholics food that has alcohol derivatives? Like I know the cheese won't get her drunk but it did taste just like Whiskey and it felt like if I didn't offer some it was rude if I did it was insensitive lol

Pepys_Monster posted...

Drink elsewhere with your friends and not in front of her if she just quit.

Also, have you given your puppy a bath yet?

No bath yet, bull terriers should only get bathed 3-4 times per year so she's due. She now has hot sauce, BBQ sauce, and ranch on her. Plus a shit ton of black lab spit

PoundGarden posted...

So in general, is it frowned upon to offer alcoholics food that has alcohol derivatives? Like I know the cheese won't get her drunk but it did taste just like Whiskey and it felt like if I didn't offer some it was rude if I did it was insensitive lol

Everyone is different. But yeah if whiskey is something she doesn't mind thr taste of it could make her miss drinking.

Something like beer battered fish or whatever where at least in my expierence doesn't taste like beer I would think is fine

PoundGarden posted...

So in general, is it frowned upon to offer alcoholics food that has alcohol derivatives? Like I know the cheese won't get her drunk but it did taste just like Whiskey and it felt like if I didn't offer some it was rude if I did it was insensitive lol

Yes, even mouthwash can trigger some alcoholics:

https://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-recovery/aftercare/recovering-alcoholics-and-mouthwash/

i was drinking 2-3 jugs of vodka a week.

i mean, i accept everything u guys have said also, that some people just cant handle it ..... but maybe your gf COULD handle it.

maybe you guys could try a "year of no alcohol" and then try to drink after 1 year. you'd be giving up drinking for 1 year with her, so you guys are in it together. then, after a year, you are BOTH entitled to get drunk.

knowing there is a reward of getting drunk can actually motivate an alcoholic to not drink, as perverse as it sounds.

plus it's not so FINAL, while still be OBJECTIVELY GOOD and solving your immediate alcohol problems. in a year she will chill out and maybe realize she has to chill the fuck out if she wants to continue to be a functioning alcoholic.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


Sadly a true alcoholic usually has to hit rock bottom before they become serious about quitting. Everyone's rock bottom is different though.

Kinda pisses me off to be honest. Went to one AA meeting and some guy was making out like I wasn't ready. Which maybe he's right but his attitude irked me. He scrutinized my story saying I wanted to quit for the wrong reasons and that I hadn't hit rock bottom yet.

I don't wanna fucking hit rock bottom. Idk if I'll be able to get back up if I do.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]


My apologies. I can be bad with words. Just there is a difference between someone who's gained a physical dependency and someone who just should never do it cause they'll fall in thebtrap everytime.

The sad Part it's hard to discern the difference without potentially royally fucking up.

I'm still up in the air if I'm that type yet. I used to be able to walk away from shit easily. But after a stint doing a particular drug I can't seem to cope without some kinda substance abuse.

But I get what you are saying. I've ran into issues myself with how others define things or how they think recovery has to be. Like my last night in rehab had a guest speaker say Jesus was the only way it was possible. He's the type of asshat why I never seeked help from AA in the first place. AA as a whole isn't like that anymore but he's a relic from when it was

So again I apologize

Alcohol is like liquid sugar. When I was in detox, I would eat like two boxes of candy every day. I would go through target after my class and load up. My body felt sick without it and it felt like medicine.