Current Events > CYOA: Your job is to watch over doors

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B1

B1

B 2

A1

up

Let me point out. Do not bring the old man along unless you can keep him fed.

B1) Ride back to the city to ask the detective for help, and bring the feral old man with you

You beep.

Blake sighs. Okay, so you dont actually know how to get there. But you know someone that might?

You nod. And then beep again.

And you wanna take the old man?

Beep.

What do you mean hes like a cute angry chihuahua?!

Beep.

Okay, I guess thats fair that you robots see all humans as flesh pets. Wait, so what kind am I?

You beep jovially and walk away towards the old man.

Blake scratches his head. The fuck you mean thats for me to find out?! He says as he storms over to the bike.

You yank the pizza box away from the old man, causing him to stay perfectly still. This would be really unnerving if you had a humans survival instinct. Fortunately, you do not, so you saunter over to the bike and throw the tattered box of pizza into the delivery box.

The old man follows the scent of pizza and sits atop the closed delivery box like a sphinx guarding its pepperoni flavored treasure.

With that, you rev the bike and speed back to the city.



It was a dark and stormy night Says the detective with a gruff voice as he looks out his offices window and staring at the burning city and the rioting crowd of both robots and humans. ...but replace the storm with a clear sky, and replace the clear sky with a bunch of airborne molotovs, and replace the darkness with--

The detectives monologue is interrupted by his office door opening and you emerging.

A visibly stressed Blake also walks through, playing tug of war with the feral man over the box of pizza.

The detective tips his hat at you. So youve come, lad. Your exploits on the news have sparked an entire uprising in the city!

Blake lets go of the box, letting the old man hog it in the corner next to a potted plant. Oh, good, so I wasnt tripping when I saw everything on fire.

The detective sits down behind his desk and adjusts his coat and tie. So, Im sure youve already seen it on the business card, but to formally introduce myself, my name is Darcy Blowes. Nice to meet you, Groog and Blake.

You beep curiously.

Of course Id already know your names. They were plastered all over the news. He looks over to the corner. That fellow over there, however, was not on the news. Should I know about him?

You shake your head.

Righty-o then, youve come because you need a detective, yes?

You beep.

You want me to help you get to the moon? Lad, do you know what a detective does?

Beep.

Oh. So its not that you need a detective, its that you need me who happens to be a detective.

You nod.

He takes off his hat and scratches his head. Well lad, not sure what to tell ya. Whats up with the moon?

Beep.

Moons making everyone crazy and murdery? You sure its not because everyone was being treated like garbage and theyve finally had enough?

Blake chimes in. Yeah no I think thats what it is, Groog. I mean, technically I became murdery because of you.

You give him the metaphorical side eye.

Darcy puts his hat back on. Well, I certainly cant deny that people have been getting crazier and murdery-er over the years. Butthe moon? He grumbles. Look lad, I guess I might know a guy. Who knows a guy. But since its not actual detective work, youll have to either wait til Im done with my current cases, or tag along while I do them.

A) Wait in the office
B) Wait by wandering around town
C) Tag along for some detective adventures

C.

C

b

I am amazed at where this is going.

I say B because Groog and Blake need to be in touch with their soldiers.

C even though it's winning by a mile

uppin

bumpin

Vote B

bump

C) Tag along for some detective adventures

You beep.

Coming along then? Alright, follow me.



After riding in Darcys old beat-up van, you arrive in a cemetery within the slums of the city. However, this cemetery feels oddly familiar, and the pair of rusted shovels leaning against the fence further feed that familiarity.

Blake is behind, pulling the biting old man using the pizza box as a leash. Groog, how much longer do I gotta watch this guy? Plus Im pretty sure theres no more pizza, why is he stuck on the box?

You beep frankly.

Well, okay, I guess hes gotta be important if he was guarding that weird stick. And if he wants to live off the scent of pizza alone then I guess thats his life. Anyway, why are we here? This place is giving me the chills, man.

Darcy grabs a rusted shovel and starts digging up one of the graves. Did you forget already, lad? Were here for detective work.

RIght, of course sir. But uh, it doesnt really look like what detectives do in the movies.

Bah, those movies are a load of shit. Let me show you how a real detective does it.

He finishes digging up the grave to reveal the corpse of a woman, still mostly intact. It doesnt seem long since she died.

Darcy kneels and first takes out a tape recorder, clicking the record button on it. Then he takes out an amethyst pendant from his coat pocket and shines it above the corpse. It emits a familiar glow.

The woman bursts with motion, sitting upright and panting heavily. Whwhat thehowwha--

Darcy tips his hat. Maam, please dont be alarmed. Im a detective here on behalf of your best friend Tracy Williams who said your case was abandoned by the police.

She calms down her panting. TTracy? Wait, abandoned? Mr. Detective, what the hell is going on? Im supposed to be--

Dead, yes yes this isnt my first rodeo, maam. Anyway, do you know who murdered you?

Yyes, I believe it was my sister, Abigail. That bitch wanted our fathers inheritance money, so she laced my tea with arsenic--

Alright, thats culprit, motive, and method established. Thank you for your time, maam.

Wait!--

With that, he shines the pendant again, turning off its glow. He also clicks stop on his tape recorder.

The timing of his click lines up with the woman falling back into her grave.

He stands up and turns to you two. Alright, who wants to shovel the dirt back in?

Blake is stunned at what had just transpired. Dudedid you justbring the dead back to life?!

You grab the other rusty shovel and replace the dirt, unfazed by Darcys necromancy. After all, its also not your first rodeo.

But its exactly because its not your first rodeo that you feel a sense of dread. It was a crazy necromancer that was your undoing before.

A) Kill Darcy before you get backstabbed again
B) Trust him for now

B) I am not sure that you can kill Darcy.

B.

A

B

bump

B

B

more

bump

(Thanks for helping with keeping this topic alive yall!)

B) Trust him for now

Your robotic brain tells you to quell your dread with bloodshed. But youre more rational than that. So far, Darcy seems like an upstanding guy.

Groog, arent you seeing this shit? Am *I* the weird one here? says a flustered Blake. He stares at both you and Darcy in hopes that hell be vindicated, but it doesnt happen. He sighs and continues keeping the old man occupied.

You finish up replacing the dirt, patting the fresh new mound with your shovel.

Darcy pats you on the back. Good job, lad. I got a few more cases here in this cemetery, so sooner I can see those bodies, sooner we can get to your uh, moon adventures.

You both nod and ready your shovels.



A few hours pass. It was mostly the same routine of digging up a fresh corpse, quickly getting the story behind their deaths, and putting them back.

Now youre back in Darcys beat-up van, on the way to a pizzeria for some dinner.

Sothis is what detective work is like? Mostly just backyard labor? asks Blake from the backseat.

Well lad, most of my colleagues? They actually dont do what I do.

Oh, because of thenec--

--Because they dont work as hard as me! Im probably the only detective that has to use the shovel so much. Other detectives take their damn time and take it easy, and it takes them months to crack a case. Me? I just cracked like half a dozen cases in one day!

...Rrrrright.

Always keep this in mind, lad. No one does a job like Blowes does. Thats why some of my clients call em Blowe jobs.

I will absolutely not be calling them that, but sure, Ill keep that in mind, sir.

The van pulls up to the pizzeria--some beat up shack in the more rundown part of the city. The three of you enter.

Inside is a bunch of shabby restaurant-tables and chairs. A handful of people are currently here too.

Of those people, two of them get up and look at you with awe.

Oh. Em. Fuck. Billie, its THEM. says a short girl wearing really large and stylish sunglasses indoors and a work uniform.

Yes, I can see them too girl, were literally looking in the same direction. Oh my god Millie youre like, embarrassing me in front of some goddamn celebrities here! says a tall robot girl wearing the exact same pair of sunglasses but a different work uniform.

Blake raises an eyebrow. Uhhhcelebrities? Where?

Millie giggles. Uh, you guys, obviously.

Youre the guys that like, started a whole revolution and all? says Billie. HUGE fan, by the way. Saw that shit on the news and was like, oh my god I GOTTA kill my boss too!

Girl oh my god same!

Millie oh my god I already know, you told me like twice already UGH.

Millie giggles again, but with a little more crazy behind it. Heehee, who knew killing your boss would feel, like, SO good? But like, oh my god SUPER illegal too? Wait oh my god Billie should I get a vid with these two?

Girl come on, you KNOW the first rule of the revolution is that nobody talks everyone walks. They were never here and we were never there. Literally this is why bitches get stitches, girl!

Darcy leans against the counter. Thats great, ladies. Now can someone tell me why there aint a single soul back here?

So like, funny story about that, begins Millie, I used to work here--

Okay, gotcha, no one works here anymore. So whered you all get pizzas?

Billie takes a slice from her box and bites it. This place doesnt even do handmade pizzas like they claimed. Its, like, a bunch of frozen pizzas back here. So weve all just been heating up some pizzas in the back oven for ourselves, and everyones been chill a. f. about not hogging all the stock.

Everyone else in the pizzeria nods while eating peacefully.

Ah fuck. So a blokes gotta cook his own pizza after breaking his back? Well aint that just great. Darcy hops over the counter and through the kitchen door.

The two ladies go back to their table and gesture for you two (technically three) to come over.

Since Darcys on kitchen duty, you figure you might as well.

Blake looks down to the old man still nibbling on the empty box. Alright Boxman, if you behave, youll get some of your own pizza, got that?

Boxman sweats as he looks at the other customers pizza.

Blake wags his finger. I gotta repeat this to you dont I. NO eating other peoples food, okay?

Boxman reluctantly nods.

Blake walks over to the table. You beep at him questioningly.

Yeah, I named him Boxman. He didnt respond at all when I asked him his name, so now its Boxman.

Millie giggles at Boxman. Your dog is like, SO weird oh my god. But I cant even say anything cuz like, my dog is also weird a. f. like, look at him!

She shows you a picture of her lockscreen which is her standing next to a bear with a collar. Isnt he cute?

Billie shoves her aside. Alright shut up already, girl. So like, what are you two cuties doing at this piece of shit?

You beep.

Billie looks confused. Dinner after digging some bodies up? Moons evil so youre trying to get up there? Her face quickly becomes normal again. Dope.

What about you guys? Asks Blake, you said you killed your boss? Here? Shouldnt you guys be kinda far from the crime scene?

Millie looks at Blake with awe. Oh my god are you like, twins with Billie? Cuz she said the EXACT same thing to me! Like, okay, sure I killed him like, earlier this morning, but like, I hid his body and cleaned all the blood! Plus all the cops are busy with all the riots and shit! I should be good, right Billie?

Billie sighs. Ive been telling this girl, Girl cmon we gotta get the fuck outta here already, but nooo, instead we sit here eating pizza because shes hungry and then gets distracted for the next few hours by funny vids.

Millie smirks. Aha! So you DO think theyre funny!

Girl, literally shut the fuck up.

Wait, you said you need to get to the moon? asks Millie. My grandma is like, an astronaut or some shit. If you guys want, I could like, ask her for help right now!

A) Take up their offer
B) Stick with Darcys original plan, but bring these two along to help them get out of this mess
C) Stick with Darcys original plan, plus leave them here

B

B.

B

A, she sounds trustworthy

B. I like Millie and she needs to get out of there.

bump

Bump

Choose.

upping again, thank you for everyones patience

Doors, whores, doors with whores or whores with doors?

B) Stick with Darcys original plan, but bring these two along to help them get out of this mess

You shake your head politely and beep.

Oh, you already got that all sorted out? Dope. Says Millie. Grammie is probs busy anyways.

In the distance, sirens are slowly getting louder.

A man stumbles into the pizzeria clasping his arm. Blood seeps out of his sleeve. Everyoneget the fuck out--

A bullet goes straight through his head, popping it like a grape. The rest of his body falls along with a lot of blood.

Everyone panics and makes a beeline for the doors. But more bullets are whizzing by, shattering the glass walls and injuring some of the exiting bystanders. Luckily though, looks like they all made it out.

Surprisingly, none of you left. Blake quickly kicks over the table, forming a cover facing the door. Shit! I thought we were laying low enough. Howd they find us? He readies his hi-tech gun strapped on back and loads it.

Billie slides underneath an adjacent table and kicks it over too. She pulls Millie in with her. Girl, why didnt you run like the others?!

She looks up from her phone and looks around frantically. Wait, whered everyone go?

Another bullet whizzes into the building, striking the table but not going through it.

Millie jumps, startled. Oh shit! Those werent fireworks?!

A smoke grenade flies into the building, fogging up the whole place. Through the smoke, a bunch of heavy footsteps march in alongside red dot laser points and the glowing red eyes of laser goggles bleeding through the smoke.

Before any of you have a chance to react, Boxman leaps over the tables and pounces on one of the assailants like a wild beast, ripping apart what shouldve been flesh.

Instead, all you hear is mechanical cacophony and crunching metal. The assailants gun flies over just past Millie and Billies table.

You and Blake nod at each other. Go time.

You grab the table, rotate it to hold it like a riot shield, and run it forward with so much speed that it blows away the smoke and crashes into some of the assailants, sending them and the table flying out of the building. As you run, Blake runs behind you and fires injudiciously at the sides of the table, nailing even more of these robot fucks.

With some of the smoke cleared, you get a glimpse of their dark-colored tactical uniforms and hi-tech assault rifles pointed at you. They open fire.

Blake quickly slides under a nearby table and kicks it up for new cover.

You brandish your staff and slide under the hail of bullets, sweeping the group of shooters. You didnt hold back on your strength though, which ripped their legs off their metallic frames.

Their torsos plop onto the floor, leaking oil and human blood which flies to your chest like your other murders.

Just nearby, you see Boxman bouncing from one robot to another, ripping them all up.

The kitchen door opens. Darcy walks out with some pizza boxes. Darcy takes one quick glance at whats happening right now. Darcy walks back in with his pizza.

As youre tearing through a group in front of you with your staff, another small squad sneaks up behind you.

But before they could do anything, they all get shot down with a storm of bullets coming from two different directions. One from Blakes side. And the other

Smoke hisses out of Millies new gun peeking out from behind the table. She laughs as she pulls the trigger again. Oh my god Billie you have GOT to try this its, like, therapy!

Billie pulls her back down, followed by a bunch of bullets whizzing past the table. Girl, are you trying to get yourself killed?!

As Blake keeps gunning them down, his gun eventually clicks. Outta bullets. No shortage of that though, when theres many guns lying on the ground now. He tosses his old gun and grabs another.

More sirens can be heard in the distance. Though, its masked by the constant deluge of bullets and metal clanking.

Blake ducks as he reloads. This aint looking too good, Groog! Theres even more coming! We gotta leave when we can!

Right on cue, Darcys van rams through the walls, running over the leftovers of this squad. The doors click as they unlock.

You open the sliding door and motion for everyone to get in.

Blake doesnt waste any time as he yanks Boxman from a metal corpse and instead into the van.

Millie and Billie also book it, but Millie stumbles and falls to one knee; blood seeping out of the knee-area of her pants. Billie looks at her with intense worry and sprints back to her, carrying her into the van like a princess.

Youre the last one in. You take shotgun. Doors close. Darcy floors it outta there.

No time to catch a breath, though. A bunch of police cars and armored vans arent far behind. Some of them fire at you.

Bullets strike the van, but none of them punch through, luckily.

Damn it all, I just wanted some pizza! yells Darcy as he drifts left past an intersection.

A mysterious individual also whizzes through the intersection and rolls up to your side of the van on a motorcycle. Except you recognize the mask hes wearing; its the masked man that tried to rob your store before. You roll down the window to hear him out.

He waves at you. Waddup, homie! I told you I wouldnt forget what youve done for me! Saw you on the news just now and I figure THIS time, I aint gonna miss it! Now go on and get outta here, robot dude! He says as he pulls out an SMG in one hand and starts firing behind him, right at the cops.

You nod and close the window.



Darcy stops the van. Nothing but sand and cacti around you. In the very far distance, you can see the bright city lights illuminating the darkness of the night, juxtaposed with billowing smoke from multiple areas of the city.

Darcy steps out and the first thing he does after all that is take out a cigarette from his coat and lights it up. Well lads, suffice to say we lost em. Now if one of you could hand me a nice slice of pizza from one of the boxes in the back, that would be very nice right now.

Blake scratches his head. Uhhhhh

Darcy sighs. The rugged lad ate it all, didnt he. He puffs out some smoke. Truly a dark and stormy night.

Boxman, being full as hell from that meal, is now fast asleep. Which is surprising that hes able to sleep through the sounds of crying and sobbing from Billie.

She tightens the makeshift bandage made from her torn-off sleeve and wrapped around Millies knee. A teardrop falls on top of it, mixing in with the blood.

Millie winces. Ow! Girl, I told you, Im not gonna-ow!--die, okay? Its just a lil wound. Ill like, walk it off or something--ow-- another teardrop. Goddamn girl, your tears salty as hell. What have you been eating--ow!

Billie cant form any coherent sentences at the moment. She seems too distraught at Millies condition.

Blake rubs the bandage made from another one of Billies sleeves wrapped on his upper arm. I kinda see where shes coming from, Millie. Youre her best friend, right? And you kinda almost died there. Bullet wounds arent that lil.

You beep in agreement.

Pssh, yall are making this a bigger thing than it is. Also, does anyone else feel like, kinda light-headed right now?-- Millie passes out from blood loss.

Billies panic goes into overdrive and she cries even more, burying her face into Millies knee and flooding it with tears.

Well that cant be good.

A) Take a risk and check Millie into a hospital back at the city
B) Take a smaller risk by still going back to the city, but using your celebrity status to get some non professional medical help
C) Time to activate SECRET BLOOD POWERS

C

C.

One of the choices should be hemp seed oil, CBD-not-THC. CBD is miraculous.

uppin

B

I am really skeptical of C but show me it works.

Obviously C