Current Events > Broke up with my gf tonight, she is devastated and will be talking more tomorrow

(+) Yeah! (+)

I know when I type this out the answer will be a very clear yes. My friends all say yes. But undoubtedly my heart loves her and I've never felt so loved before by a person.

We've been dating 8 months. That alone I understand means the answer should probably be yes. 8 months in we should not be having these problems. We knew each other two years prior. I consider her my best friend which makes this even harder.

We fell in love early and deeply. She has a very troubled life at home. Narcissistic, emotionally abusive parents that I have witnessed myself. She started staying at my place for weeks at a time. I got a dog during this time, we agreed to raise it as our own. Our own little family. It was beautiful.

2-3 months in I found out she had a secret Twitter account kind of like a sexual diary. It appeared on my feed as "people you should follow". She didn't interact with anyone, just kind of talked about sexual things she wanted and such. I thought it was odd. I confronted her about it and she got really defensive about it. An argument ensued, our first one, really. I regret doing this but afterward I went through her phone. She was on Tinder talking to girls. More sexual stuff, nothing really alluded to her wanting to meet up or anything but it was sexting nonetheless. She was doing this as early as the first day after we became official. She was using it while I was at work and when I was sleeping from work (I work graveyard).

Well, I kicked her out of my apartment. We ended up reconciling a few days after. She comes over again pretty much every day I have off and we spend time together and it's just as amazing as it was before. Not proud of it again, but my trust was obviously skewed and I have gone through her phone once or twice since then extensively and haven't found any traces of that kind of cheating again. But then again she may have been better at hiding it.

I don't necessarily think my trust is broken, I never even found it to be a huge deal because it was with girls and not a single guy. But I definitely did not like the prospect of that being hidden, and of course I was not ever mentioned in any of these sexting sessions.

Fast forward to now. She is not happy at her home situation. Her parents are rude, abusive. She takes it out on me. Whenever she has a bad disagreement with her parents, her communication with me is often rude and dismissive. She has on multiple occasions told me she wants to break up with me because she can not be in this headspace she has with her family drama and still be in a relationship with me. Of course, she has followed this with not actually wanting to breakup but she feels very overwhelmed.

Nonetheless this emotional turmoil and drama is not fair to me I feel. When we are together things are great but when she is at her parents for a prolonged period of time, we have fights and arguments that are just stupid. I've offered to help her get her own place. But I am adamant about not letting her move back in with me. We moved to fast to start, we should do a more traditional pace. You disrespected our relationship and took advantage of me letting you stay here and I just won't let her come back to do it again.

Problem is she has extensive student private loans that will resume later this year. (Like 200k). She will not be able to feasibly have her own place and pay back these loans at the same time. She's stuck at her parents house, essentially.

She often tells me that she feels I am not romantic enough with her, don't give her enough of my time, am not understanding her mental state and situation. I feel like I'm giving her 100% and all I have. I feel drained sometimes, emotionally. Physically she drains me too (she's a fucking freak in bed), over and over and over and over again. And sometimes it is just exhausting.

I'm tiring. But I do love her. I've had many relationships in the past and I've never felt this way about anyone before. She often remarks the same thing to me.

But tonight I broke up with her. I explained to her that the way she treats me is not right. It's not fair to me. She knows the long hours I work and if I'm not giving her enough time/attention/romanticism then I suggested she maybe find someone who can because if I'm giving her all I have and it's not enough then what am I to do.

She cried. She bawled. She wants a family with me, we've talked about it frequently. We match each other so well in almost all aspects. Similar hobbies, values, personalities. I feel like I need to put myself first, though. She told me she understands my quarrels, she's willing to do the work to be better, to treat me better. She wants to explore all avenues to leave her toxic situation at home to make it work with me. She said she understands she fucked up in the beginning and is presenting herself as a huge red flag, but that she's committed to us and has never felt a love or relationship like this before.

I'm just at a lost. I told her would could talk some more tomorrow, that I need time to think. She was understanding, again. I don't think of her as a bad person. I'm still hurt by the Tinder stuff, I took her back knowing full well of the consequences and what that might entail. I'm at a crossroads. She told me to look at the future, at what our future could be together once she can pay her student loans, move out of her parents place and we move in together. She wants it so badly, she says.

I just don't know if maybe I should believe in her and us, that we can fight through this. I don't want her to feel like I'm giving up on us and I don't want to, but I also want to do what's right for me. I'm not scared of the dating market, I'm not scared to be alone. But I want to make sure I'm making the right decision. Because I do look at the future, and I can see a future with us together. But the road to now has been murky and the red flags are there.

And of course, the risk is always I get in too deep and then I also inherit this heinous large 200k school debt. I try not to make it about the money, but that's the reality of life isn't it? Not a disney movie. That's big money. I make OK money (120k/year), she is barely starting her professional career having just graduated college. Maybe it's a maturity thing. I remember being her age and making similar mistakes in past relationships. I'd wish I had been given a chance back then. But when do you say enough is enough? I miss her...

25, i'm 28.

Damn man. I want to give you advice but I dont want to really push you to the wrong decision. I feel like I would actually need to know both of you to make a better decision. Based on just logic though, it sounds like the negatives might outweigh the positives. So I can see why you are wanting to break up. However, I dont know how much you REALLY value the relationship.

I personally value the future so the student loan debt is scary to me. However, I dont really want to give you advice and it be wrong in this type of situation. Maybe someone here that has went through a similar situation can give you higher quality advice than me.

"She wants a family with me, we've talked about it frequently. We match each other so well in almost all aspects. Similar hobbies, values, personalities"

I think you can have this and it be so unimportant when you fundamentally need someone who treats you well. She just doesn't. You could stay with her for the rest of your life and put up with her behaviour (many people do put up with bad relationships), but you don't need to. She's not going to change really, so I think you're right to break up with her.

Just to reiterate, if you treat someone well, you deserve to be treated well. You can settle for less if you want, you I don't think you should. And someone being nice 95% of the time, but horrible 5% of the time isn't good enough. We all have bad days and moments that we regret, but they should be incredibly infrequent and we should show actual remorse for them.

Disclaimer: Better assume that this is no advice at all, but just me "asking questions".

Sounds like she has to be supported all the time by you, but isn't doing her part to support you.

At the same time, some lines you wrote seem to indiciate that she became aware of the issues, so it's truly hard to judge that.

Did you tell her before that she is draining you so much, physically as well as mentally?

It sounds like she would be ready to geniunly promise you anything tomorrow, the question is if you could trust her on that.

Your and her sweet dreams of the possible future are worthless if you can't trust her to support you if you get some problems on your own, even without her creating them.

GBH713 posted...

I think you can have this and it be so unimportant when you fundamentally need someone who treats you well. She just doesn't. You could stay with her for the rest of your life and put up with her behaviour (many people do put up with bad relationships), but you don't need to. She's not going to change really, so I think you're right to break up with her.

I think this is strong advice. This is how I would feel personally but I wasnt confident enough to say it

For what its worth you wont be legally on the hook for her student loan debt if you were to get serious and get married, because she incurred that on her own and its not considered marital debt. But nonetheless her situation would end up burdening you anyway as you would be a team. If its just the loans thats the hold up she could file for bankruptcy and have it discharged(since its a private loan she has that option) before marriage and then take time to build her credit back up.

thats if its just the finances thats holding you back

ok sure account with 4 posts i believe any of this is true

AceMos posted...

ok sure account with 4 posts i believe any of this is true

Not everyone wants to post about their personal lives on their main account

It sounds like she doesnt want to be with you, she wants to be with anyone who will get her out of parents place and help her with her debt and you happen to be that person for her at the moment so shes latched on to you.

If shes not meeting your needs as a partner dont waste the next 3 years of your life being treated like shit just because you pity her. Shes an adult and will figure things out with or without you.

AceMos posted...

ok sure account with 4 posts i believe any of this is true

Maybe if they did a little janpuu dance they'd seem more credible?

Tl;dr

dawiseone4 posted...

I don't necessarily think my trust is broken, I never even found it to be a huge deal because it was with girls and not a single guy.

tf, just because it was with other girls doesn't mean it wasn't cheating

That should have been it then and there

That's rough, buddy.

Reading between the lines a little, she sounds kinda like a lot. You come across pretty grounded. Not much to work with but just based on the OP I agree with what another poster said in that things aren't likely to change. Probably the problems you have now will worsen or lead to even worse ones.

AceMos posted...

ok sure account with 4 posts i believe any of this is true

This is probably your worst post to date.

Not everyone posts on Gamefaq frequently. Sometimes people want to parse ideas with an anonymous group disconnected from their RL circles.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

This is probably your worst post to date.

Not everyone posts on Gamefaq frequently. Sometimes people want to parse ideas with an anonymous group disconnected from their RL circles.

I'd argue it isn't, but tbf normally a single digit amp account making a topic like this (by this, I mean long and personal) is usually pretty sus. But it's usually always a hot take or has some sorta bait built in, this was pretty inoffensive.

ragnarokius posted...

I'd argue it isn't, but tbf normally a single digit amp account making a topic like this (by this, I mean long and personal) is usually pretty sus. But it's usually always a hot take or has some sorta bait built in, this was pretty inoffensive.

The issue is that theres nothing gained even trying to claim its not true. Who cares? Let folks try to help. Nobody is hurt or offended in this topic.

cuttin_in_farm posted...

The issue is that theres nothing gained even trying to claim its not true. Who cares? Let folks try to help. Nobody is hurt or offended in this topic.

I agree!

If it was bait or false or something I think it'd be more apparent, like it usually is.

dawiseone4 posted...

25, i'm 28.

Really? sounded about 18 to meso thats bad. Get out, stop talking. Nothing good will come of it. If roles were reversed, a woman would be told to get away from the walking red flag ASAP.

TC has a pretty bad posting history, but this topic isn't bad by itself

Speaking of red flags, let's lighten the mood:

https://youtu.be/GFokXnCCMf8

Uhh Ive heard this eeriely similar story before already on CE....

JuanCarlos1 posted...

Uhh Ive heard this eeriely similar story before already on CE....

Ok sure account with 18 posts we totally believe you

dawiseone4 posted...

snip

The sexual stuff is kind of murky to care about for me, but those are obviously between you and her.

I don't think anyone should fault you for breaking up with her, until she gets into a good headspace with respect to her family and/or fixes it, then the reason you genuinely broke up with her is gonna hang over your heads and isn't really going to stop.

Maybe in the future, but don't feel like it's your responsibility to fix, you should have a nice life too.

JuanCarlos1 posted...

Uhh Ive heard this eeriely similar story before already on CE....

Thats because our friend, the TC, made a similar topic about this girl earlier this year. Founding out about her sexting people and broke up with her.

Well damnit, I guess I owe AceMos an apology.

Perhaps there really are no genuine topics made by sus accounts.

ragnarokius posted...

Well damnit, I guess I owe AceMos an apology.

Perhaps there really are no genuine topics made by sus accounts.

apology accepted

ragnarokius posted...

Well damnit, I guess I owe AceMos an apology.

Perhaps there really are no genuine topics made by sus accounts.

TC was also a covid denier and supported Trump's claims of voter fraud, along with questionable views on women

I wasn't going to bring those up except that others already outed him as sus

I mean he says in the OP that the texting stuff happened months ago and he broke up with her and that this is a continuation of that.

BunkerBoy posted...

TC was also a covid denier and supported Trump's claims of voter fraud, along with questionable views on women

I wasn't going to bring those up except that others already outed him as sus

Huh. Don't recognize them at all. I usually tag sus accounts that make hot takes.

LividDK posted...

I mean he says in the OP that the texting stuff happened months ago and he broke up with her and that this is a continuation of that.

He also said the texting stuff happened 2-3 months into their relationship in his opening post. In his last topic about this girl, this texting stuff happened 5 months into their relationship.

LividDK posted...

I mean he says in the OP that the texting stuff happened months ago and he broke up with her and that this is a continuation of that.

Well it'd be useful to see what the other topic read like for comparison or for the TC to maybe participate in the topic. To try and determine whether or not this is just some weird gimmick or not.

Based on recent comments, I'm leaning toward weird gimmick.

Scarecrow17 posted...

He also said the texting stuff happened 2-3 months into their relationship in his opening post. In his last topic about this girl, this texting stuff happened 5 months into their relationship.

Ah, fair enough then, you remember that thread better than I do.

The stuff BunkerBoy posted doesn't help either. Gross.

Sounds like you both aren't looking for the same things right now tbh. She needs someone there with her constantly. She might grow out of that. She might not. Maybe you can pick things up again later, but for what you're both looking for, you can both find someone that's a better fit. You'd be selling yourselves short otherwise imo.

I've been with a woman I completely adored but she had serious emotional issues. I had to end it after 2 years together and it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I started dating my now fiance 3 months later. My life is so much better now. I really adore my fiance as well but without all the issues. Sometimes you have to rip the band aid off, but I can't say for sure if you should. That is up to you.

But if you really are a Trumper and Covid denier, then I don't really give a fuck what you do.

Scarecrow17 posted...

He also said the texting stuff happened 2-3 months into their relationship in his opening post. In his last topic about this girl, this texting stuff happened 5 months into their relationship.

He also said last time that she was talking to both girls and guys on tinder, but now it's just girls

Shits sus

I knew this topic sounded familiar

Sounds like you made the right choice. Shes too codependent on yourself and her home situation to improve on it right now. Its not worth putting yourself through that while waiting for her to be ready. If you see potential in her I would say just be friends over the years until you think shes ready.

Scarecrow17 posted...

Thats because our friend, the TC, made a similar topic about this girl earlier this year. Founding out about her sexting people and broke up with her.

That's why that part sounded familiar. I remember reading that topic

Put yourself first TC. I know it may be hard even heartbreaking, but if you don't see a future in the relationship right now or if you feel it's not healthy it's best you stay strong and leave. You and her both have your own lives to live. The longer you hold back the more you may even be stunting her growth as well as your own

This was the older topic:

i found she had a secret twitter account where she was tweeting very sexual things. she @'d a couple o******s girls asking to eat them out. none responded. she had less than ten followers and they were all bots.

i figured it was some sort of fetish or sexual release for her but i had to confront her about it.

thought we could have an adult conversation and go over boundaries but really just deflected it on me. saying we havent been as intimate as we were earlier in the relationship.said she was frustrated and didnt want to actually cheat and this was how she expressed that. how else is she supposed to get it out she said.

got kinda heated i slept on the couch. she left her phone charging by me and i am not proud of it but i went through her phone. she had tinder and bumble that i redownloaded and logged on. she was talking to girls on there. talking to them about how good they'd taste etc etc.

i waited until she woke up and talked to her. she broke down. cried in my arms for an hour.

i told her she had to go. as much as i don't want her to. i feel like i need to respect myself... ugh. i miss her already.

we just adopted a puppy a month ago. i can't care for it solo. i work 16 hour shifts. she doesn't work right now i was supporting us both. but literally two nights ago she was giving her snap to a chick saying she was horny. she offered to take the pup which i'm glad the puppy has at least one of us now.

but i feel like i just lost my lil family i was building here. i should have been more attentive to her physical needs. but, man.... :/

Nothing about it contradicts this topic at all, so I don't know what you guys are on about :V

Turbam posted...

This was the older topic:

Nothing about it contradicts this topic at all, so I don't know what you guys are on about :V

Read his other posts in that topic. Im fairly confident he says this happened 5 months into the relationship. If the guy was telling the truth, I dont think he wouldve mixed up 2-3 months and 5 months unless he just sat on this information for a while.

Sputnik1337 posted...

It sounds like she doesnt want to be with you, she wants to be with anyone who will get her out of parents place and help her with her debt and you happen to be that person for her at the moment so shes latched on to you.

I don't think anything more about this needs to be said. People can be complicated, but this is beyond that. You are being used and manipulated, and nobody needs that kind of static. Cut her off and don't have further conversations with her. All more talking could lead to her is her using you or maybe baby trapping you if you don't get out fast enough.

In the future, watch more carefully for red flags.