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Current Events > im upset w/my partner for something they cant control, anyone got advice?

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Dungeater
11/03/23 8:21:27 PM
#51:


man. i feel a far cry from where i did this morning. still a bit of tension in the air but thats normal i figure. i feel heard and im relaxed

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darkmaian23
11/03/23 8:51:37 PM
#52:


Disclaimer: I don't have much experience with romance, but I'm not trolling you or anything so these will be the honest thoughts of a random CEMan attempting to help.

My family is full of a variety mental illnesses, and I myself suffer from anxiety and other issues I'd eventually like to see someone for. The phrase "can't control" often actually means "won't/don't want to". Mental illness is difficult and individualized, but lots of people like to pretend they can't control their behavior at all in order to act selfishly or get their way while making you or other people feel like the bad guys.

I don't buy for a second that your partner is having uncontrollable mental health episodes every single time you need to talk about your feelings or have an issue you need addressed. You are being manipulated and used. Are you really OK with this person having other partners? Are you really sure this person loves you/likes you/wants to be with you, or are you just telling yourself that because you like this person and want to be with them?

Stay safe, friend.

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Dungeater
11/03/23 9:02:32 PM
#53:


oh for gosh sake

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Gwynevere
11/03/23 9:26:42 PM
#54:


Some decent responses in here so far once you wade through the "polyamory bad" garbage

All I can say is your patience is God like TC, I'm not the best at accommodating the trauma of other people in a way that's very understanding

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Dungeater
11/04/23 2:04:08 AM
#55:


Gwynevere posted...
Some decent responses in here so far once you wade through the "polyamory bad" garbage

All I can say is your patience is God like TC, I'm not the best at accommodating the trauma of other people in a way that's very understanding
hah thanks. trust me when i say im overstating it, ive got my moments for which he definitely needs godlike patience too. if we werent both experienced and actively going to therapy, i dont think we'd have made it half as far

side note im revisiting magic the gathering and i have strongarmed him into it as well

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CSCA33
11/04/23 7:53:30 AM
#56:


Gwynevere posted...
Some decent responses in here so far once you wade through the "polyamory bad" garbage

All I can say is your patience is God like TC, I'm not the best at accommodating the trauma of other people in a way that's very understanding
To clarify my initial remark, Im not ideologically opposed to polyamory or the broader umbrella of ENM.
Dungeater posted...
we're together almost a year at this point and it's been working very well. i think his only hangup about our relationship structure is that im not seeing or fucking other people

but i hesitate to even call it a hangup, its barely a nitpick of his. and i surprisingly havent had issues with the relationship structure itself at all, as far as i can tell. im not like, intermingling with them but a couple of his partners have had us over before and theyre really cool. the only thing ive found i get jealous about is money, not time or people

we do have "rules" and we do bring stuff up instead of bottling it in

hopefully this helps those of u who thought this thread was about our relationship structure?
What is your ideal relationship structure or future goal where you see yourself happy, content and at peace, flourishing even? Do you want to eventually find a primary nesting partner, or something more along the lines of relationship anarchist perhaps? Family maybe one day? Parallel relationships or more kitchen table poly, or even a triad or polycule? Etc.

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Dungeater
11/04/23 9:37:01 AM
#57:


this topic isnt about relationship structures

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CSCA33
11/04/23 10:11:09 AM
#58:


Dungeater posted...
this topic isnt about relationship structures
You had described a mix of parallel and kitchen table, and it can at least help to spend some personal time thinking about what you want or makes you happy for the future, being honest with yourself, even if you arent comfortable discussing that here openly. I personally wouldnt be asking this board for relationship advice period.

You may not intend to speak about some aspects specifically, but it was relevant to the discussion at hand and how it affects situations, and how to approach these things.

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Dungeater
11/04/23 10:16:48 AM
#59:


not only was it not relevant, its rather insulting to presume i havent given it serious thought thus far in the first place

and i have not to my knowledge described anything resembling KTP

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CSCA33
11/04/23 10:21:17 AM
#60:


Hey, if youre not comfortable discussing something, thats totally fair. I was just asking what you want for yourself and you opt not to discuss it. I respect that. I wasnt implying anything along those lines, you came here asking for advice and as its offered, you can take it or leave it.

I hope things work out well for you


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Dungeater
11/04/23 10:22:16 AM
#61:


its not that im not comfortable discussing something

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CSCA33
11/04/23 10:24:55 AM
#62:


I dont mean to get sideways with you or anything, I was just trying to talk and offer helpful advice. Sorry, I didnt mean to be insulting. I apologize and genuinely wish you well.

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Dungeater
11/04/23 10:25:28 AM
#63:


thanks

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Dungeater
11/05/23 12:05:11 PM
#64:


oi i dont know how he took this one but we were texting this morning and i sent a voice message. i knew he had a busy weekend but i didnt realize he spent the night with someone again, he said he couldnt listen cuz someone's asleep. i said oh well id rather you be present with them and not texting another partner (or rather, me specifically), while youre pressed against someone you just spent the night with

he said "ok" and logged off. i hope i didnt come across as too cross, i was more like "...that is not something i would do, why would you do that"

rather post it here than make a new thread.

i dont even text other people when im spending platonic time with people, unless theyre in the bathroom or somethin

edit: oh he actually just told me he sees why that was weird, got dressed and left the room. ok cool, took it well

thats some timing lol

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GuerrillaSoldier
11/05/23 12:13:10 PM
#65:


is this whining also a part of your kink? you seem to want it this way. you're clearly being manipulated, but either you're oblivious to it or you actually enjoy it, that part is up to you to decide. the rest of all of this just seems like part of it. i don't think any advice would actually work because it's not what you seek, you just want the attention of your supposed life scenario.


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Dungeater
11/05/23 12:13:47 PM
#66:


i see

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ArsGoetia
11/05/23 12:19:25 PM
#67:


GuerrillaSoldier posted...
is this whining also a part of your kink? you seem to want it this way. you're clearly being manipulated, but either you're oblivious to it or you actually enjoy it, that part is up to you to decide. the rest of all of this just seems like part of it. i don't think any advice would actually work because it's not what you seek, you just want the attention of your supposed life scenario.

semi-anonymous message boards are a great place to vent relationship struggles b/c you don't have to involve ppl irl that may have loose lips or whose opinion of your partner you would rather not be negatively influenced

sometimes you just wanna bitch about your bf
aint a big deal and you aint gotta come in and get salty about it
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Dungeater
11/05/23 12:21:12 PM
#68:


thank u bestie that was very articulate

i like using this place as a diary of sorts

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ai123
11/05/23 5:22:44 PM
#70:


Your partner seems to be able to do and say as he pleases (at this point I wonder if he is being deliberately provocative), while you worry about whether you come over as 'too cross' or 'angry'. In situations where most reasonable people would be justifiably fucking furious.

That might be the kind of relationship you want. But you should have a think.

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Dungeater
11/05/23 10:36:20 PM
#71:


ai123 posted...
Your partner seems to be able to do and say as he pleases (at this point I wonder if he is being deliberately provocative), while you worry about whether you come over as 'too cross' or 'angry'. In situations where most reasonable people would be justifiably fucking furious.

That might be the kind of relationship you want. But you should have a think.


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