Current Events > im upset w/my partner for something they cant control, anyone got advice?

(+) Yeah! (+)

i dont have therapy for a few days so i figured it was worth a shot to ask here, i trust a bunch of ur judgment

so cliff notes - yesterday i asked them to try to not do a thing if they can help it (that thing being, mentioning spending all weekend with other partners while him and me were having an intimate moment)

i didnt foresee it, but this triggered a whole thing, he had a panic response about his own lack of memory because he had asked me if i was sure i wasnt just jealous he was spending the weekend low contact with me

i said "yeah, ive brought it up before too actually. its really just the undermining a nice moment of bonding by talking about your intimate plans with others, its abrupt sometimes"

and he started to panic about his memory and felt attacked. and like, this happened a couple times in the past where i would ask for something (assumably) small, but he would then get really scared, then we would sidestep what i brought up so that we could perform emotional labor on him

he knows its unfair to repeatedly go "scared, panic" and sidestep when i bring up a gripe, and i know those responses arent up to him

but that its a pattern has definitely left me jaded and frustrated, except its not his fault so im not frustrated at him.

gah i dont know what to do. i didnt know this would turn into a whole big thing, and now i feel bad for being upset with him. i generally consider us really good communicators too so its extra frustrating

oh and the reason im not talkin it out with him still right now is because i will definitely let my frustration get the better of me and be rude or discrediting or impatient

since i cant always manage my shit well, i try to take the time i can to un-steam

mariolover2 posted...

Seems like youre in the position to have anxiety, not him. Plus, other partners? Just break up and match with others, or be single. Easy fix.

we dont pick our traumas. i dont blame him for having the responses he's having, having grown up in the family he did

but its frustrating. it feels like my stuff is being sidestepped, albeit without intent. i save it to bring it up later but it never seems to get addressed

also guys be very aware im only presenting one side here. this is definitely colored by my biased perspective, im no saint

find someone who doesnt need more than one intimate partner. Let them tell their weekend hookups about the memory loss bs

This sounds like you are both actively engaging with your anxiety rather than communicating.

I swear to Chibi Cthulhu, do I need to wade across oceans and/or the suety landscape of the Americas and lend you my sons talking octopus?

mariolover2 posted...

Seems like youre in the position to have anxiety, not him. Plus, other partners? Just break up and match with others, or be single. Easy fix.

That's not the route to take if you are otherwise okay with someone being with other people, just not super cool with someone bringing it up while you're spending time with one another in an intimate moment. "Be here with me in this moment", is not an onerous ask.

Plumeofdusk posted...

find someone who doesnt need more than one intimate partner. Let them tell their weekend hookups about the memory loss bs

well, no, im in love with him, and having other partners isnt a dealbreaker. i dont need exclusivity, and if anything im glad it gets me some guaranteed breathing room

my issue isnt that he has other partners. my initial issue (this time) was that i felt he would undermine nice moments by bringing them up. I generally don't care if he talks about them, fucking them or otherwise. my issue was with timing

but the issue has now become the sidestep, trauma response thing

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

i feel im misarticulating myself because this doesn't have to do with what im saying

let me take a few moments to re-read the thread and sort out my words

So... When you say that he talks about his other partners while you're intimate. Are you meaning, like during sex, or just while you're together in general? Because if it's the former, that's kind of rude.

But if you're just talking about while spending time in general, maybe just tell him when is a good time to talk about it? Rather than a list of do nots.

ngl homie, i felt the same way for a long time and it doesnt get better
spending a decade with a partner that liked to use their trauma and responses to it as an excuse to dodge accountability for shitty behaviors was hellish after a few years, and it just stacked and stacked and stacked resentment until explosion
ya they couldnt help that they have their own uncontrollable responses to trauma, but its not carte blanche to avoid uncomfortable conversations
idk the answer, but not addressing it(like i did) certainly aint the right one

To be clear, I don't have any advice for the side-stepping and traumatic response from the partner. I don't know what to do if it seemingly is a subject I can never approach in any situation without one reacting that way. Addressing it in a text or email doesn't seem right. I don't know what I'd do. I'm more of a head on type of person if I have something to say to you. And after they calm down I'm right back to it. People around me know by now that I'm not going to stop until it's resolved, so don't bother trying to avoid it.

NoxObscuras posted...

So... When you say that he talks about his other partners while you're intimate. Are you meaning, like during sex, or just while you're together in general? Because if it's the former, that's kind of rude.

not during sex, just occasionally during nice moments of bonding. but that was just the leadup, my actual issue of frustration is the trauma thing

also i did tell him when is good yesterday actually, but yeah thats good advice

ArsGoetia posted...

ngl homie, i felt the same way for a long time and it doesnt get better
spending a decade with a partner that liked to use their trauma and responses to it as an excuse to dodge accountability for shitty behaviors was hellish after a few years, and it just stacked and stacked and stacked resentment until explosion
ya they couldnt help that they have their own uncontrollable responses to trauma, but its not carte blanche to avoid uncomfortable conversations
idk the answer, but not addressing it(like i did) certainly aint the right one

oh trust me i did the whole song and dance like that for years. i had to leave the state in the middle of the night to get away from her

this isnt that. or rather, its like .01% that. i can usually talk about issues in general, its just every so often their switch flips to "im scared" and my thing gets dropped or pushed

he acknowledges it and feels bad about it, and according to him he has been discussing it his past couple therapy appts (which i believe)

so i guess this makes it more of a vent topic then? or maybe like, i was unclear on what i wanted advice on. so maybe i want advice on how to get un-mad so i can shift back to thinking practically

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Yeah, and it isnt adequately addressed enough outside of things like unicorn hunters and triad dynamics.

Close your eyes and picture a box in your mind. As you breathe, place your frustrations into this box. The box is not going to be going anywhere for now, but it will hold for the time being. You're probably somewhat already doing this, but now I want you to bring that box to me and open it up if only to vent and yell. Maybe over time the box will be needed less and less. Perhaps the contents will be smaller as the box is less filled.

Again, I can't really advise as I have nothing to offer anyone. But I can be a soundboard. And I can listen.

Simple: get over it or don't. Its on you. You can accept it or be pissed off / take it anyway. Up to you.

Eventually you have to decide whether you're willing to accept it or not. If you're not, you need to make that apparent. As it is now, he's not responding to your concerns with changed behavior, and that's the real red flag.

mariolover2 posted...

Why is their partner having panic attacks after a normal hook up poly weekend? If they cant condition themselves to handle polygamy then they need new boundaries. Theres obviously adrenaline to adjust to, and TCs response was a conduct rather than control.

I think you are greatly misunderstanding what is happening?

Dungeater posted...

not during sex, just occasionally during nice moments of bonding. but that was just the leadup, my actual issue of frustration is the trauma thing

also i did tell him when is good yesterday actually, but yeah thats good advice

Yeah, I was thinking of maybe phrasing it in a more positive way to see if it still causes a panic response.

But if he's talking about it in his therapy sessions hopefully it does get better. As far as not getting mad about it, I think focusing on the positives helps a lot. Yes, his panic response kind of side stepped the issue for now. But he did acknowledge both the problem and the fact that he has these panic responses. So... Progress?

CSCA33 posted...

Yeah, and it isnt adequately addressed enough outside of things like unicorn hunters and triad dynamics.

we're together almost a year at this point and it's been working very well. i think his only hangup about our relationship structure is that im not seeing or fucking other people

but i hesitate to even call it a hangup, its barely a nitpick of his. and i surprisingly havent had issues with the relationship structure itself at all, as far as i can tell. im not like, intermingling with them but a couple of his partners have had us over before and theyre really cool. the only thing ive found i get jealous about is money, not time or people

we do have "rules" and we do bring stuff up instead of bottling it in

hopefully this helps those of u who thought this thread was about our relationship structure?

okay that's great, i have seen several years-long polyam relationships work, and that isnt the point of this thread

I see this happen often, where people can't address the actual issue being discussed, so they latch on to something almost ancillary and debate or attack that.

It's not a lack of clarity or poor reading comprehension.

You are describing it not working out.....

What makes you so certain he cant control his behavior? Because this seems like a manipulation tactic on his part

I think the immediate sidestep, making them the hurt party and you the guilty one (when it should be the other way around), is the most concerning thing here.

I'm not sure I accept that this is a thing they cannot help doing. My most charitable interpretation would be that it has proved so successful in the past that it has become an automatic response.

You need to sort this aspect of your relationship out before you even think about involving other people. It's manipulative, and borderline coercive.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I second this. You're pretty clearly communicating what you want, what your expectations are, and how it feels. At least to us internet strangers. If your primary concern is that you'll say some unkind things in face, perhaps moving to a slower format like writing would help. (and writing > texting in this regard)

Also, just general advice for any kind of relationship communication. Try to find ways to communicate your own feelings and needs instead of taking the accusatory tone. "I" before "You". Instead of, "You're ruining these nice moments by bringing up other partners" try to frame it as "I feel insecure or like the moment is ruined when we're being intimate and you start talking about other partners."

Just, don't be too formulaic about it or it'll come off as condescending. Otherwise, your recourse is to find a way to process things better on your end, learn to overcome what they can't. which isn't easy and is something you'd probably want to discuss with a proper therapist rather than some strangers on GameFAQs.

I would recommend delving into practicing healthy communication to help facilitate progress on issues that matter. You feel like your needs or concerns arent being addressed in some respect, and communication is the issue here rather than something like, say, trust or respect, or consent.

There are some resources to help with engaging in healthy communication, and you can bring it up as something to engage together without necessarily dumping it on him to improve on his part. You want to be happy together, care for each other presumably, and this may get more progress on that front.

Sounds like he's just weaponizing his emotions to avoid his own lack of accountability.

Like he's tossing the weekend into a memory hole and then uses his emotional state to avoid conversations where he's tripping over your boundaries when he's talking about it. And not even the entire weekend goes into this memory hole, just the portion where you asked him to avoid talking about it. It's also pretty weird that he directly references that the issue is you're jealous (which seems pretty reasonable for you to feel that way), and instead of acknowledging that he erred he again throws his emotions at you so he doesn't have to face the accountability for throwing that part in your face too.

Pitlord_Special posted...

What makes you so certain he cant control his behavior? Because this seems like a manipulation tactic on his part

Obviously nobody here knows him better than you but as someone who has had this done to me in relationships as well as, admittedly, done it to others in relationships I can't hear this and not think he's doing it on purpose, even if it's not maliciously.

You've essentially given him a free pass to take the heat off himself by playing the victim because he knows you'll always bite and even if you're not trying to be maliciously manipulative, when you have a strong desire to avoid blame or looking bad, it's hard not to take a clear avenue even when you know it's manipulative.

If I had any advice I'd say that the next time you bring it up you need to be firm and say "This is not about you right now, we can discuss your issues after, but right now this is about me"

ai123 posted...

I'm not sure I accept that this is a thing they cannot help doing. My most charitable interpretation would be that it has proved so successful in the past that it has become an automatic response.

i told them exactly this and they agreed its possible, if not probable. and i do believe he is working on it

like, i dont think there is anything to do but be patient with him and trust that he's putting the work in

i was more looking for advice on my temper than anything ig

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

They're not mutually exclusive things though.

Dungeater posted...

i told them exactly this and they agreed its possible, if not probable. and i do believe he is working on it

like, i dont think there is anything to do but be patient with him and trust that he's putting the work in

i was more looking for advice on my temper than anything ig

I'm not sure I agree with any view of the situation which casts you as doing anything wrong. That reaction will only reward the sidestepping and make it difficult to work on.

Frankly, you are more than entitled to be upset. That needs to be the first thing you both acknowledge.

Your patience, and the effort you're putting into the relationship are more than most would give.

I hope it works out, and wish you all the best.

im also not saying my frustration isnt warranted, tbf. i just feel its a bit disproportionate amd misdirected. yeah im frustrated with him and the sitch, but the fact that my temper is running hot enough to have to actively pull back so i dont be mean is a bit much, imo

Dungeater posted...

i told them exactly this and they agreed its possible, if not probable. and i do believe he is working on it

like, i dont think there is anything to do but be patient with him and trust that he's putting the work in

i was more looking for advice on my temper than anything ig

Don't be so hard on yourself =) Your feelings are valid and natural human emotions. Acknowledge them and give yourself space to process the emotion without dwelling or burying it. Take time to do something simple or calming, and focus on that task in front of you.

bruh

Pitlord_Special posted...

What makes you so certain he cant control his behavior? Because this seems like a manipulation tactic on his part

Yeah, I feel like, unless your partner has dementia or alzheimers, remembering to do something that is considerate of your feelings isn't something that is in the realm of the impossible.

Dungeater posted...

im also not saying my frustration isnt warranted, tbf. i just feel its a bit disproportionate amd misdirected. yeah im frustrated with him and the sitch, but the fact that my temper is running hot enough to have to actively pull back so i dont be mean is a bit much, imo

No, it isn't.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. Yet you keep saying it's not their fault, and that you are on the edge of being mean. Them feeling wronged and you feeling bad is the opposite of what things should be.

You know what? A lot of people, maybe most, would absolutely lose their shit in your situation. It's a hurtful and insensitive thing to say.

ai123 posted...

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. Yet you keep saying it's not their fault, and that you are on the edge of being mean. Them feeling wronged and you feeling bad is the opposite of what things should be.

i dont feel bad in the sense that ive done something wrong. i just mean that i empathize

and they also know that theyre kicking my can down the road, so they feel bad about that

we agreed on a time tomorrow. we're talking now, its going well, seems like we're both doing our due diligence

Dungeater posted...

i dont feel bad in the sense that ive done something wrong. i just mean that i empathize

and they also know that theyre kicking my can down the road, so they feel bad about that

we agreed on a time tomorrow. we're talking now, its going well, seems like we're both doing our due diligence

As long as you two are openly communicating your issues and remembering to fight fair then all seems well.

just needed some time was all i think

he told me to keep saying "we're talking about my thing now, we can take care of yours after or later but right now let's settle this" so i will

Dungeater posted...

i dont feel bad in the sense that ive done something wrong. i just mean that i empathize

and they also know that theyre kicking my can down the road, so they feel bad about that

we agreed on a time tomorrow. we're talking now, its going well, seems like we're both doing our due diligence

I've been in similar situations and that's what I was going to suggest. Try to let him talk to you on his schedule so it's less reactionary. Either set up a time window or use text or something asynchronous. You need time to think, so does he, give each other a little breathing room basically.

yeah.

if he can have patience and trust in me when i say im gonna fuck off til im not mad (which i imagine is scary), i can have trust and patience in him when he says hes working on this. it helps that he told me to call him out regardless