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Current Events > Stovetop cooking is fundamentally impossible

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:03:14 PM
#1:


You can't know when it's time to flip because you can't see the other side. You also can't flip because the stuff just gets pushed around since you can never get the spatula flat enough inside a skillet.

People who claim to do it must secretly have antigravity stoves where the food falls up against a transparent surface that they can look down through, with no skillet at all. It's literally the only explanation.
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ArsGoetia
03/10/24 7:04:57 PM
#2:


https://worstcooksinamerica.castingcrane.com/
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#3
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kirbymuncher
03/10/24 7:06:34 PM
#4:


sounds like you need something flatter to flip with than a spatula

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:09:07 PM
#5:


kirbymuncher posted...
sounds like you need something flatter to flip with than a spatula
Flatter would be much worse. The angled ones I try to use can barely get flat under the food.
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kirbymuncher
03/10/24 7:13:18 PM
#6:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
Flatter would be much worse. The angled ones I try to use can barely get flat under the food.
I guess maybe I should have said thinner?

I have a thing like this, it's technically a "fish flipper" but it's super rigid and thin and it makes it very easy to just sort of slip under anything and flip it.
https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/a/ae9a3601.jpg

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thekosmicfool
03/10/24 7:20:06 PM
#7:


TC is on to us, gang!

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VeesMcGees
03/10/24 7:23:38 PM
#8:


What are you cooking?

I don't cook meat, but you can still use tongs on the stove. Otherwise, you just need a better spatula (not a rubber scraper).
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pauIie
03/10/24 7:28:28 PM
#9:


weird cope

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Xenogears15
03/10/24 7:28:50 PM
#10:


In addition to the other advice here, try using more tools. I find that using tongs to flip is much better than a spatula (depending on the type of food you're cooking, of course).

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:31:36 PM
#11:


Can't use tongs because nonstick
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VeesMcGees
03/10/24 7:34:21 PM
#12:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
Can't use tongs because nonstick
They make tongs with rubber or silicone grips.
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thronedfire2
03/10/24 7:34:53 PM
#13:


you just have to know when to flip

you can literally look the times up on google

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:37:49 PM
#14:


VeesMcGees posted...
They make tongs with rubber or silicone grips.
Really? Might check that out.

thronedfire2 posted...
you just have to know when to flip

you can literally look the times up on google
No, that's impossible. They don't know how long it needs to cook on my stove, where 8 might be the equivalent of their 6, or vice-versa, or neither. The recipes just say dumb stuff like "on medium high heat" as if I know what number that is, or as if THEY know what number that is.
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xGhostchantx
03/10/24 7:39:34 PM
#15:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
No, that's impossible. They don't know how long it needs to cook on my stove, where 8 might be the equivalent of their 6, or vice-versa, or neither. The recipes just say dumb stuff like "on medium high heat" as if I know what number that is.

you dont need a number for that cause its relative

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Glob
03/10/24 7:43:22 PM
#16:


VeesMcGees posted...
They make tongs with rubber or silicone grips.

You can also use metal ones and just not scrape them along the surface of the pan.

Honestly, its not hard.
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thronedfire2
03/10/24 7:44:52 PM
#17:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
Really? Might check that out.

No, that's impossible. They don't know how long it needs to cook on my stove, where 8 might be the equivalent of their 6, or vice-versa, or neither. The recipes just say dumb stuff like "on medium high heat" as if I know what number that is, or as if THEY know what number that is.

medium means in the middle


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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:45:10 PM
#18:


xGhostchantx posted...
you dont need a number for that cause its relative
Exactly. That's exactly the problem. That and the spatula thing are the entire problem. The reason stovetop cooking is fundamentally impossible.
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LeoRavus
03/10/24 7:45:33 PM
#19:


Pancakes, flip when they're blubbly and dry on the edges.

Meat, 5 minutes per side.

Don't even need a spachula. Just pick up the pan and throw the food in the air until it flips then catch it

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:45:37 PM
#20:


thronedfire2 posted...
medium means in the middle
On their stove, sure.
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xGhostchantx
03/10/24 7:45:43 PM
#21:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
That's exactly the problem.

It's not a problem tho cause medium high means medium high on any stove.

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ArsGoetia
03/10/24 7:46:28 PM
#22:


LeoRavus posted...


Meat, 5 minutes per side.



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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:46:44 PM
#23:


xGhostchantx posted...
It's not a problem tho cause medium high means medium high on any stove.
So where do I buy ingredients for my stove that are calibrated for whatever the temperature range on my stove is?
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ArsGoetia
03/10/24 7:49:09 PM
#24:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
So where do I buy ingredients for my stove that are calibrated for whatever the temperature range on my stove is?

cook more
learn how your cookware and ingredients respond to various heat levels
or just go get some taco bell and stop posting
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thronedfire2
03/10/24 7:49:20 PM
#25:


User Info: RetuenOfDevsman

  1. Veteran
  2. User Since: Jul 2023
  3. Karma: 137
  4. Active Posts: 483


whose shitty alt is this

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:51:00 PM
#26:


thronedfire2 posted...
User Info: RetuenOfDevsman

1. Veteran
2. User Since: Jul 2023
3. Karma: 137
4. Active Posts: 483

whose shitty alt is this
We are formless
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Starks
03/10/24 7:51:26 PM
#27:


Just use a Foreman

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TheGoldenEel
03/10/24 7:53:24 PM
#28:


Cooking is literally just following directions

it amazes me how otherwise intelligent people say they cant cook its so easy

plus were in 2024 and you can get video recipes that show you exactly what you need to do

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 7:54:24 PM
#29:


TheGoldenEel posted...
Cooking is literally just following directions

it amazes me how otherwise intelligent people say they cant cook its so easy

plus were in 2024 and you can get video recipes that show you exactly what you need to do
I mean, on their stove, sure.
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Dakimakura
03/10/24 7:55:16 PM
#30:


note to self: create pan with viewable bottom camera.

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thronedfire2
03/10/24 7:58:34 PM
#31:




RetuenOfDevsman posted...
I mean, on their stove, sure.

you can test how long it takes your stove to boil water!

and then you can follow any recipe

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ArsGoetia
03/10/24 8:00:13 PM
#32:


TheGoldenEel posted...
Cooking is literally just following directions

it amazes me how otherwise intelligent people say they cant cook its so easy

plus were in 2024 and you can get video recipes that show you exactly what you need to do

i mean, largely? yeah
but the stovetop can be one of the trickier apparatuses to cook on because it does require some foreknowledge of how various things react to various levels of heat, how your specific cookware behaves at higher temps, how various temps affect different foods, more intuitive understanding of how size portions will change cooktime, appropriate heat levels, and whether or not it would just be better to put it in the oven after doing a pan sear on high heat. especially considering that flipping improperly or too early can completely ruin the sear/caramelization on something.

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kirbymuncher
03/10/24 8:03:08 PM
#33:


ArsGoetia posted...
but the stovetop can be one of the trickier apparatuses to cook on
personally I find (and found, when I was learning) stovetop to be one of the easier options because you get to see what's going on at all times, and because most things you cook on stovetop are not things that would become way worse from tiny mistakes.

compare to something like baking, where small quantity mistakes or temperature mistakes can give you something way worse, and you basically have no feedback of this until after the entire thing is done so you can't salvage it partway

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Xenogears15
03/10/24 8:04:02 PM
#34:


kirbymuncher posted...
personally I find (and found, when I was learning) stovetop to be one of the easier options because you get to see what's going on at all times, and because most things you cook on stovetop are not things that would become way worse from tiny mistakes.

compare to something like baking, where small quantity mistakes or temperature mistakes can give you something way worse, and you basically have no feedback of this until after the entire thing is done so you can't salvage it partway

This. This is why I do not bake.

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 8:06:42 PM
#35:


thronedfire2 posted...
you can test how long it takes your stove to boil water!

and then you can follow any recipe
Ok, I'll bite. How do I go from knowing how long it takes to boil water to knowing how to adjust cook times in an arbitrary recipe?
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Xenogears15
03/10/24 8:07:24 PM
#36:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
Ok, I'll bite. How do I go from knowing how long it takes to boil water to knowing how to adjust cook times in an arbitrary recipe?

Practice. Lots of it.

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thronedfire2
03/10/24 8:07:26 PM
#37:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
Ok, I'll bite. How do I go from knowing how long it takes to boil water to knowing how to adjust cook times in an arbitrary recipe?

math

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RetuenOfDevsman
03/10/24 8:08:17 PM
#38:


thronedfire2 posted...
math
So do I email the author of the recipe and ask them how long it takes to boil water on theirs?
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Torgo
03/10/24 8:08:50 PM
#39:


Practice makes perfect.

Slightly over or under cooking your burger is fine so long as you follow at least proper health and handling rules.

You'll get better pretty fast.

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thronedfire2
03/10/24 8:10:06 PM
#40:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
So do I email the author of the recipe and ask them how long it takes to boil water on theirs?

no you should probably just stick to ordering from ubereats before you burn your apartment down

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Xenogears15
03/10/24 8:10:52 PM
#41:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
So do I email the author of the recipe and ask them how long it takes to boil water on theirs?

No. You just do it on your stovetop enough times that it becomes second nature. Or, if you're trying to time it with a meal, then you should make sure that the first thing you do is get your water ready to boil before you start cooking other stuff (that's the only way I've been able to time my pasta with my sauces).

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ArsGoetia
03/10/24 8:12:02 PM
#42:


kirbymuncher posted...

compare to something like baking, where small quantity mistakes or temperature mistakes can give you something way worse, and you basically have no feedback of this until after the entire thing is done so you can't salvage it partway

and those mistakes are literally "did you follow the recipe or not" lol

stovetop are not things that would become way worse from tiny mistakes.

there are plenty of things that can go from a perfectly seared golden brown to a charred inedible mess in less than a minute, 30 seconds even if you're cooking on higher heats w/ oily/fatty product, if you're not properly managing heat and contact w/ the cooking surface. and working with higher heats is something that requires practice to understand what you can and can't get away with to achieve desired results

you get to see what's going on at all times
not possible for a lot of things
plenty of things should be flipped only once unless you want it to fall apart or fuck the sear up
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markconig
03/10/24 8:14:39 PM
#43:


RetuenOfDevsman posted...
So where do I buy ingredients for my stove that are calibrated for whatever the temperature range on my stove is?

The "temperature range" on all stovetops are very similar, but not enough where you'll burn the house down if your a little off.

I have a gas stove with a dial from 0-10. I know that low is around the 0-3 range, medium is 4-6, and medium high is 6-8, high 9-10. Yours will be similar, and if you do a 7 instead of a 6 nothing will change. Cook one thing with those numbers and you'll know if you have to go 1 (at the very most 2) numbers away from that guideline no matter what type of stove you have. Most cooking is not so precise where if your a little off your food will be burnt/raw.

Also I don't understand your complaint with spatulas. You know that most spatulas handles are offset so the spatula can lay perfectly flat in the pan and the handle will be in the air, right?

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