Current Events > My partner recently told me they feel like they've become asexual

(+) Yeah! (+)

Feels bad man. But I guess now I know why weve only been intimate once this year.

Not really sure what to think/do with this information.

Theres no one else on the side- my partner claims they just arent attracted to anyone anymore. Even went to get medical testing done to see if there might be something causing it.

Isn't that a good thing? Now you don't have to waste time on sex

F in the chat

RespectWomen posted...

Not really sure what to think/do with this information.

First of all, don't internalize it. While it certainly affects you, it's probably not actually about you.
Beyond that, you just have to decide if you can stay in a relationship that doesn't have a sexual component, (and it's 100% cool for you to not be OK with that, you deserve to have your needs met too).
It's a tough one.

It's unfortunate but I suppose not the end of the world?

My best friend is ace but she still has a boyfriend, she's still in to cuddling and stuff just without the intercourse.

Still, sounds rough if you're not also ace.

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Yeah this is basically my problem. I dont expect it as frequently as we used to- weve been together for over a decade, have kids etc.

but for it to just randomly stop for seemingly no reason, is just hard. Were happy, healthy, etc.

Enclave posted...

It's unfortunate but I suppose not the end of the world?

My best friend is ace but she still has a boyfriend, she's still in to cuddling and stuff just without the intercourse.

Still, sounds rough if you're not also ace.

Sometimes I cant even get this. Like it can be arm over the shoulder, but not spooning.

RespectWomen posted...

Yeah this is basically my problem. I dont expect it as frequently as we used to- weve been together for over a decade, have kids etc.

but for it to just randomly stop for seemingly no reason, is just hard. Were happy, healthy, etc.

Sometimes I cant even get this. Like it can be arm over the shoulder, but not spooning.

I would say come to some agreement but if really wants no sex or cuddling, her choice, but it would be a deal breaker for me

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Yeah, like I said, it sounds rough. Feel bad for TC for sure.

RespectWomen posted...

Sometimes I cant even get this. Like it can be arm over the shoulder, but not spooning.

Sorry to hear that, it sounds like you really need to figure out what you need and make the best decision based on that.

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This.

I feel for you TC, it can't be an easy choice. But you need to decide if them not wanting sex is a deal breaker. Which, it absolutely is allowed to be. Not that I'm the arbiter but a sexual connection is important.

Im happy in every other aspect of our relationship, so I dont feel like this fits the typical stay together for the kids trope

but I feel like Im being forced to choose between having a family or possibly never having sex again

and that makes me feel kinda selfish in a way too, hard to explain

It's not selfish, sex is an important part of a relationship and if you require it then that's perfectly valid just as your wife being ace is perfectly valid.

I don't envy your situation in the slightest.

Humans can't have babies by themselves.

Is she old enough that perimenopause could be a cause?

Are they willing to do you a solid now and then? I've definitely helped a partner out even though I wasn't interested in it at the time.

RespectWomen posted...

Im happy in every other aspect of our relationship, so I dont feel like this fits the typical stay together for the kids trope

but I feel like Im being forced to choose between having a family or possibly never having sex again

and that makes me feel kinda selfish in a way too, hard to explain

Maybe, and I know this isn't for everyone, but you could consider polyamory?

Like, my buddy's wife doesn't have a 10th of the drive he does so they came to an agreement and he can have no strings attached sex with people she deem okay and he's still 100% emotionally committed to her.

Sounds weird but it works for them. And he's strictly just doing it to bust a nut, he's always cut off those that would get emotionally attached since he still loves his wife, he just also loves sex.

Cuticrusader09 posted...

Is she old enough that perimenopause could be a cause?

I guess its possible, but the recent bloodwork didnt really show anything that would cause this.

Jiek_Fafn posted...

Are they willing to do you a solid now and then? I've definitely helped a partner out even though I wasn't interested in it at the time.

we tried that once, she said she felt like she was assaulted. Like her body didnt react well to it, even though she agreed to doing it.

Cemith posted...

Maybe, and I know this isn't for everyone, but you could consider polyamory?

Like, my buddy's wife doesn't have a 10th of the drive he does so they came to an agreement and he can have no strings attached sex with people she deem okay and he's still 100% emotionally committed to her.

Sounds weird but it works for them. And he's strictly just doing it to bust a nut, he's always cut off those that would get emotionally attached since he still loves his wife, he just also loves sex.

its something I would consider exploring if shes truly done with all intimacy. I dont think shed be on board, but who knows.

RespectWomen posted...

I dont think shed be on board, but who knows.

If she is unwilling to have sex, she needs to be open to other avenues for you. Harsh, but true.

And sorry, that sucks

I feel like I'm asexual. Have had sex twice in the last 4 years. The desire just isn't there. For a girlfriend or sex.

RespectWomen posted...

I guess its possible, but the recent bloodwork didnt really show anything that would cause this.

If a doctor claimed they would see indications of perimenopause via bloodwork, then they are full of shit. A womans hormone levels vary during a month so they cant tell you jack based on what they are at a point in time.

Perimenopause is diagnosed by whether you are experiencing a number of the symptoms. The list of symptoms are:

• Hot flashes and night sweats, or vasomotor symptoms (VMS)
• Breast tenderness
• Worse premenstrual symptoms
• Lower sex drive
• Fatigue
• Irregular periods (also called perimenopause periods)
• Vaginal dryness or discomfort during sex
• Leaking pee when you cough or sneeze
• Having an urgent need to pee more frequently
• Mood swings
• Trouble sleeping
• Short-term memory problems
• Trouble concentrating

Cuticrusader09 posted...

If a doctor claimed they would see indications of perimenopause via bloodwork, then they are full of shit. A womans hormone levels vary during a month so they cant tell you jack based on what they are at a point in time.

Perimenopause is diagnosed by whether you are experiencing a number of the symptoms. The list of symptoms are:

* Hot flashes and night sweats, or vasomotor symptoms (VMS)
* Breast tenderness
* Worse premenstrual symptoms
* Lower sex drive
* Fatigue
* Irregular periods (also called perimenopause periods)
* Vaginal dryness or discomfort during sex
* Leaking pee when you cough or sneeze
* Having an urgent need to pee more frequently
* Mood swings
* Trouble sleeping
* Short-term memory problems
* Trouble concentrating

oh I dont know anything about it, she went to get her blood checked because she had a feeling it was something else specific, but cant remember exactly what it was.

she has a number of those, I suppose its possible. But theyre also common symptoms for a lot of stuff I would think

I hope she is willing to accept that you may go elsewhere to get your sexual needs met if she won't or can't.

thankfully shes not the type to try and control masturbation/porn usage

I definitely couldnt be with someone like that, with or without sex

My ex 'went asexual' a year and a half into the relationship.

What actually happened is we were deeply out of sync and didn't want to be with eachother anymore.

I'm not saying that's the case here. Nor am I discrediting asexuality in anyway. I'm saying there may be some underlying things going on, based on nothing but the opening post and my personal experience.

if she wasnt always this way then it's prolly something

when i became asexual it was due to extreme shame/guilt for using sex as a weapon against myself

there is nothing wrong with being asexual, but if it came out of nowhere, that points to something imo

could be she doesnt gel with u anymore

could be some associations have been formed in her head that are bringing her to a full stop all the time

highly

HIGHLY

recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

i recommend this to anyone, not just those struggling with sex issues. it is an incredibly insightful book. dont you or her go into it expecting to be "cured" (i dont really think asexuality needs to be cured i just cant think of a better word), but if you approach it earnestly and open mindedly you will both gain insight into how you and she tick. and what may or may not be stopping her

I could see it being something like that as well.

Bump.

I couldnt be in a relationship with someone who is asexual.

Yeah, I wouldnt start a new relationship with someone thats asexual.

but not sure if I should throw away my family, 10 years of commitment etc, for sex. Thats ultimately what it feels like this is going to boil down to.

FolkenRawr posted...

My ex 'went asexual' a year and a half into the relationship.

What actually happened is we were deeply out of sync and didn't want to be with eachother anymore.

I'm not saying that's the case here. Nor am I discrediting asexuality in anyway. I'm saying there may be some underlying things going on, based on nothing but the opening post and my personal experience.

Its kinda what I'm getting too.