Current Events > Man, Being A Greco-Roman God Had To Suck...

(+) Yeah! (+)

Example 1: Athena gets arrange-wedding'd to Hephaestus, who she really doesn't like. On their wedding night he goes nuts and tries to rape her, but *luckily* fails, and apparently had REALLY bad staying power because he splooged on her thigh. Said splooge became a heroic mortal (a la Hercules)

Example 2: So one time Zeus takes a nap in a freshly tilled field. Apparently the ancient Greeks didn't wear underwear, because Zeus had a wet dream and accidentally impregnated Gaia/the earth. Worse news: Gaia is Zeus's mom.

Imagine creating a sock- or kleenex-based demigod every time you masturbate. You touch yourself at night, and the next morning, you awaken to a nekkid guy standing in your garbage/laundry bin. Or if said bin is in the bathroom, your mom/wife yells "Dammit, ____, not again!"

This is why all gods should be killed. They are degenerates

I thought Herakles's daddy mac was Zeus

Hyena_Of_Ice posted...

Example 1: Athena gets arrange-wedding'd to Hephaestus, who she really doesn't like. On their wedding night he goes nuts and tries to rape her, but *luckily* fails, and apparently had REALLY bad staying power because he splooged on her thigh. Said splooge became a heroic mortal (a la Hercules)

Hephaestus married Aphrodite (against her wishes). Athena was just visiting Hephaestus because she needed some blacksmithing done when he sexually assaulted her.

There's a truly astounding amount of rape in Greek mythology

Methinks all the rape and general degeneracy of the gods gradually developed over the centuries. Hard to believe they started out written so poorly. For all we know the stories we associate with them now were heavily altered by some troll and no one was left to correct them. I feel the same about King Arthur and him getting cucked by Lancelot being some sort of shit fanfic that stuck.

You apparently have an intense desire to have sex with animals and also your own kids

If I'm not mistaken, literally everyone in the Greco-Roman pantheon was an asshole somehow (depending on which version of the mythology you go by, of course).

Gaia was Zeus's grandmother actually. And possibly great grandmother as well, since her main husband Uranus is debatably her son as well.

ToiletDuck64 posted...

If I'm not mistaken, literally everyone in the Greco-Roman pantheon was an asshole somehow (depending on which version of the mythology you go by, of course).

Yep. Their shtick was that the entire pantheon were selfish, petty assholes who abused their power, and mortals could do nothing to stop them.

Even if a mortal managed to outsmart or outperform one of them, the god would still curse them to a fate worse than death.

Zikten posted...

This is why all gods should be killed. They are degenerates

damn. Hope you never meet a human

SSMajinVegeta2 posted...

damn. Hope you never meet a human

Most humans dont get drunk and have sex with cows or their own family members

Most

Humans were pretty shitty in the greco roman mythology too.

Didn't Minos' wife sleep with a bull to produce the minotaur? Then Minos shoved the misbegotten creature into a labyrinth and made it eat people

HighSeraph posted...

Humans were pretty shitty in the greco roman mythology too.

Didn't Minos' wife sleep with a bull to produce the minotaur? Then Minos shoved the misbegotten creature into a labyrinth and made it eat people

Yes, and he HELPED her sleep with the bull by building fake cow that she could crawl into so the bull could mount her.

HighSeraph posted...

Didn't Minos' wife sleep with a bull to produce the minotaur? Then Minos shoved the misbegotten creature into a labyrinth and made it eat people

The bull was a gift from Poseidon to Minos. Minos was supposed to sacrifice the bull to Poseidon, but didn't. Poseidon then cursed Minos's wife to fall in love with the bull.

HighSeraph posted...

Humans were pretty shitty in the greco roman mythology too.

Didn't Minos' wife sleep with a bull to produce the minotaur? Then Minos shoved the misbegotten creature into a labyrinth and made it eat people

That's also the Olympians' fault. King Minos prayed for a snow white bull to show that he was favored and he was meant to sacrifice it to Poseidon, but it looked so cool that he kept it.

So Poseidon cursed his wife to fall in love with it.

Euripides posted...

Yes, and he HELPED her sleep with the bull by building fake cow that she could crawl into so the bull could mount her.

No, Daedalus built the fake cow. She understandably did not want her husband to know

pegusus123456 posted...

No, Daedalus built the fake cow. She understandably did not want her husband to know

Oh, right. Either way, SOME degenerate human put some engineering work into bull-fucking

_____Cait posted...

Most humans dont get drunk and have sex with cows or their own family members

Most

What's this "drunk" nonsense? The overwhelming majority of those incidents were committed whilst sober (excepting anything involving Dionysus/Bacchus, obviously)

I don't know, Zeus seemed to be quite fine with doing anyone or anything. He literally once went for a cow.

Regarding my previous post: Just for the few here not familiar with Greco-Roman mythology, Dionysus/Bacchus is the god of booze.

Solar_Crimson posted...

Yep. Their shtick was that the entire pantheon were selfish, petty assholes who abused their power, and mortals could do nothing to stop them.

Even if a mortal managed to outsmart or outperform one of them, the god would still curse them to a fate worse than death.

For the most part, Hades actually just did his job and kept his head down.

Other than the bit with Persephone, naturally, but compared to his brothers the dude is very well-adjusted.

Myths are just one type of storytelling and to this day (i.e., 2400+ years after the Athenian Golden Age), nothing captures attention quite like the grotesque.

DrizztLink posted...

For the most part, Hades actually just did his job and kept his head down.

Hermes too I think. Guy even got a pretty good fusion with Thoth.

Solar_Crimson posted...

Yep. Their shtick was that the entire pantheon were selfish, petty assholes who abused their power, and mortals could do nothing to stop them.

Even if a mortal managed to outsmart or outperform one of them, the god would still curse them to a fate worse than death.

Exactly and Hera HATES heracles. Because of Zeus. Also Zeus would have sex with anyone and anything. Including animals and young boys. I'm pretty sure he also kidnapped some of them too.

Nirvanas_Nox posted...

Also Zeus would have sex with anyone and anything. Including young boys.

To be fair so were the mortal men, it was common back then.

Hades has less myths because people were genuinely afraid of him/death

Nirvanas_Nox posted...

Exactly and Hera HATES heracles.

Zeus pulled a "Hera CLEEZ NUTZ" on her right after he was born and she held a grudge.

HighSeraph posted...

To be fair so were the mortal men, it was common back then.

Hades has less myths because people were genuinely afraid of him/death

True and with other grown men as well. The whole pleasure is reserved for mean and woman for procreation thing.

DrizztLink posted...

Zeus pulled a "Hera CLEEZ NUTZ" on her right after he was born and she held a grudge.

Yes this 100% lol

Norse mythology > Greek mythology

Every time I learn something new about Greek Mythology its always the most wild, out of pocket shit lol

pjnelson posted...

Norse mythology > Greek mythology

Hindu Mythology > all that shit

Nirvanas_Nox posted...

Exactly and Hera HATES heracles. Because of Zeus. Also Zeus would have sex with anyone and anything. Including animals and young boys. I'm pretty sure he also kidnapped some of them too.

Ganymede is a teenage boy that Zeus kidnapped and elevated to godhood based on his beauty.

pjnelson posted...

Norse mythology > Greek mythology

Nah, many of them were still assholes. Look at what Odin did to Loki's kids as punishment (to Loki) for murdering Baldur.

(He turned one of his Loki's (non-monstrous) sons into a wolf, which killed the other non-monstrous son. Then, Odin took the son's entrails and tied Loki to a boulder in the Underworld, directly under the world serpent. Then he cast a spell on said entrails, turning them into magical iron. Loki will escape and seek revenge on all of creation during Ragnarok.)

Every time I learn something new about Greek Mythology its always the most wild, out of pocket shit lol

Oh, here's a good one. So there's a story about a mortal who had a magical hunting dog that could not fail to catch its quarry. One day, they hunt a magical fox that can never be captured. Zeus (who had to decide the outcome via fate) had no idea how to rectify this situation, so he threw up his hands and turned both animals to stone. Basically the ancient Greek version of "an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object" conundrum.

Other reasons why it would suck to be a Greco-Roman god:

If you piss your wife off badly enough, she might choose to give birth via parthenogenesis to a god tasked with assassinating you.

Also, that racist, Trump cultist grandpa of yours is never going to die. He's going to keep coming to family gatherings every Christmas/Thanksgiving, and his views are going to continue to get more extreme every year. Have fun with that.

Okay but imagine being Braccus

UnholyMudcrab posted...

There's a truly astounding amount of rape in Greek mythology

It's mostly Roman. They decided the Greek myths weren't dramatic enough and added rape to everything. Like all the shit about Medusa being raped by Poseidon was made up by Romans.

The Romans fucking suck. It's like they had to constantly prove to the Greeks that they were sooo much better. Though to be fair some things they did do better. But with the gods all they did was just change some stuff with the Greek ones and add a few new ones. With Athena getting the boot from being a goddess of war to a goddess of law, justice, knowledge, and art.

Euripides posted...

Yes, and he HELPED her sleep with the bull by building fake cow that she could crawl into so the bull could mount her.

That was Daedalus. The same guy who built the Labyrinth.

Yeah, Greek mythology is referenced so much in fiction because of just how psychotic it was

Egyptian mythology is pretty fucked up as well. Esp. anything having to do with Osiris and/or Set.

BTW, there's a buttload of incest in Egyptian mythology as well.

Here are some of the more interesting examples of fucked-up weirdness.

--Tefnut and Shu are born when Atum either sneezes or hocks a loogie.
--In one variation, Atum, who is both male and female, births them by masturbating, because while his penis is male, his hand is female.

--Sekhmet was a fire-breathing, cat-headed war goddess sent by Ra to wreak vengeance against the humans who betrayed him.
Unfortunately, Sekhmet's bloodlust is endless, so after she slew said humans, she just kept going. The Gods managed to stop her by creating a lake of beer dyed with red ochre to resemble blood. Sekhmet, mistaking it for blood, drank the entire fucking lake, and got so drunk that she gave up on the slaughter. (Anyone else getting Kali vibes from her?)

And the most famous is the saga of Horus and Set.

--Osiris is murdered by his brother Set, who chops his body into pieces and tosses it into the Nile.
Osiris's wife Isis gathers his bodyparts, but is unable to find his penis because it was eaten by a Nile Perch. So she fashions a prosthetic magical penis out of solid gold.
--Osiris is temporarily resurrected so he can sires her a son then dies for good immediately afterward.
--Isis gives birth to Horus, who upon adulthood, becomes Set's eternal nemesis. They have to compete for the throne.
The competitions include transforming into hippopotami and battling one another.
--During a duel between them, Isis tries to kill Set by hurling a javelin at him, but accidentally hits Horus instead. Horus gets so pissed off that he beheads his own mother. Thoth, the god of healing, resurrects her by replacing the severed head with a cow head.
--Set tries to seduce Horus. Horus agrees to have sex with him on the condition that Set gives him a portion of his power, which is dangerous because divine semen is magical and poisonous. Luckily, Horus catches the semen between his hands and takes it to his mom. She puts Set's semen on some lettuce, then Horus gets Set to eat it. This causes Set to become "pregnant" with a golden disc that protrudes from his forehead. (In some versions, Set actually gives birth to Thoth this way)

Hyena_Of_Ice posted...

Imagine creating a sock- or kleenex-based demigod every time you masturbate.

This is actually considered evidence in some circles that after kidnapping Persephone, Hades never laid a finger on her.