Current Events > Men aren't approaching women in person anymore

(+) Yeah! (+)

There are probably many reasons for this. Mine is simple social anxiety and poor communication skills

Wow a lot of incel-y takes in here. I cant un-gay myself so I dont know what to do even. But this topic made me like men a bit less I think.

We dont approach women because we are numb, enjoy the void!

Anyways, I am gay as hell and I cant recall men struggling to approach me and blow up my phone or Grindr account.

I think theres a good deal of self reporting going on in this topic.

Is it that the men who are there aren't hitting them up or is it that there aren't men there at all?

Social media has poisoned the dating well so badly at this point. Everyone has an inflated opinion of themselves now a days. And I mean both males and females.

MotaroRIP619 posted...

Wow a lot of incel-y takes in here. I cant un-gay myself so I dont know what to do even. But this topic made me like men a bit less I think.

We dont approach women because we are numb, enjoy the void!

Anyways, I am gay as hell and I cant recall men struggling to approach me and blow up my phone or Grindr account.

I think theres a good deal of self reporting going on in this topic.

Youre in a dating topic on GFAQS. Of course theres a bunch of incel talk.

I feel like using the Me Too movement as an excuse is kinda not great.
I feel like the only dudes who would take offense to that are dudes that would be guilty.
Yes, of course I know that there are false rape allegations all the time, so don't tell me that :V

MotaroRIP619 posted...

Wow a lot of incel-y takes in here. I cant un-gay myself so I dont know what to do even. But this topic made me like men a bit less I think.

We dont approach women because we are numb, enjoy the void!

Anyways, I am gay as hell and I cant recall men struggling to approach me and blow up my phone or Grindr account.

I think theres a good deal of self reporting going on in this topic.

Can you post what comments are coming off incel-y to you, because Im not seeing a lot of bashing women or lamenting in such fashion? Just dudes saying why they arent out in the dating field anymore, which I dont think comes off as incel behavior in itself, unless there is misogyny or extreme self pity to go along with it.

And I wouldnt even say the dudes saying they are ugly would count as that kind of self pity, as pretty privilege is a real thing, for both men and women, and it will realistically be much harder to get dates if you are less attractive, especially over apps, where your pictures are what primarily sells you over anything.

AFreeby posted...

Can you post what comments are coming off incel-y to you, because Im not seeing a lot of bashing women or lamenting in such fashion? Just dudes saying why they arent out in the dating field anymore, which I dont think comes off as incel behavior in itself, unless there is misogyny or extreme self pity to go along with it.

And I wouldnt even say the dudes saying they are ugly would count as that kind of self pity, as pretty privilege is a real thing, for both men and women, and it will realistically be much harder to get dates if you are less attractive, especially over apps, where your pictures are what primarily sells you over anything.

If youre not good looking enough for the apps then surely real life is a better option than just admitting defeat?

Glob posted...

If youre not good looking enough for the apps then surely real life is a better option than just admitting defeat?

Unless you have an incredibly hard time interacting with people in general offline. Of course that leads to problems later, even if you have a degree of success with the online part.

Whole lotta 5s and 6s thinking they're 8s and 9s.

MotaroRIP619 posted...

Wow a lot of incel-y takes in here. I cant un-gay myself so I dont know what to do even. But this topic made me like men a bit less I think.

We dont approach women because we are numb, enjoy the void!

Anyways, I am gay as hell and I cant recall men struggling to approach me and blow up my phone or Grindr account.

I think theres a good deal of self reporting going on in this topic.

Gay dating isn't poisoned by gender roles and paranoia the same way straight dating is. You don't often see gay men calling other gay men creepy for approaching them. And the guys who are bad at approaching can just take a passive role and let the guys who are good at approaching lead; a straight man is usually expected to be assertive even if he's bad at doing so.

Puglia77 posted...

Because I'll get called a creep

I actually feel like that's the reason that keep me from doing it, plus the possibility of just getting laughed at for having transparently false bravado.

SecretBase posted...

Gay dating isn't poisoned by gender roles and paranoia the same way straight dating is. You don't often see gay men calling other gay men creepy for approaching them.

Yeah I know, I was married to a woman for quite a bit. Granted it sucked, but still.

And Im not going to call anyone out specifically, if you read through this topic the incel posts should highlight themselves.

suchiuomizu posted...

Unless you have an incredibly hard time interacting with people in general offline. Of course that leads to problems later, even if you have a degree of success with the online part.

I think too many people fall back on that too.

If youre not good at interacting with people, you should probably learn and improve that skill. Its kind of a crucial one. Not just for dating but for life in general.

Glob posted...

I think too many people fall back on that too.

If youre not good at interacting with people, you should probably learn and improve that skill. Its kind of a crucial one. Not just for dating but for life in general.

How many dimensions of "good at interacting" are we talking about? I feel like I'm pretty good at casual conversation but if I've got an objective in mind when I approach someone I'm more reticent. I've felt timid in terms of stating what's on my mind since I was a teenager.

Glob posted...

If youre not good looking enough for the apps then surely real life is a better option than just admitting defeat?

It is if A. You still actively want to find someone, which a lot of people do not, anymore. I know for myself, hooking up isnt hard, as I said in my first post on here, I did so back in November, and my previous 8 year relationship was initiated by my ex girlfriend, but the actual act of courting and giving time to another person no longer appeals to me, so that is why I am out of the dating market, and B. A lot of people who have issues with their physical appearance are also going to have worse issues with their social skills. And Im not saying they shouldnt work on that, but that is reasonably a lot working against them in being successful in finding a compatible partner, no matter how sincere and good hearted their attempts and desires may be.

Yes, there are a lot of incel misogynists out there, and Im not defending those people, but most of the comments I saw in this topic came across as fairly genuine, and not as toxic excuses, but more so honest appraisals of why said guys arent interested in looking any longer. Just my take, though

Glob posted...

I think too many people fall back on that too.

If youre not good at interacting with people, you should probably learn and improve that skill. Its kind of a crucial one. Not just for dating but for life in general.

You can be fine at interacting with people, but still not in a way that makes dating accessible.

As a gay man, can't really relate. Taken now, but the gay scene felt to me like it's almost the opposite problem.

Enough men finally started getting the message that many women don't want to be approached, and using social cues to distinguish those who do from those who don't is not easy, especially since men tend to be less socially savvy than women in the first place. In light of this, more and more men have decided to just never try, as there *is* that risk they'd misinterpret a social situation and embarrass themselves in front of a woman who never wanted to be approached.

Eventually, if more women start feeling frustrated at this new social norm, the pendulum will swing the other way and they'll start approaching men more. Hell, women already are approaching men more often now than they were a generation ago, probably for this very reason.

GS4Life posted...

the average man is unfuckable and women can't trust men

Both are true in a warped way

It'd be nice if women were more open about guys they are interested in but ya know

I used to be but anxiety took that trait over

SecretBase posted...

You can be fine at interacting with people, but still not in a way that makes dating accessible.

I dont think thats true. Women arent some mysterious creature to unravel. Theyre just people. And if you can talk to people, you can talk to women.

Glob posted...

I dont think thats true. Women arent some mysterious creature to unravel. Theyre just people. And if you can talk to people, you can talk to women.

Mm...I disagree. If you're just striking up a conversation because you just want to casually talk that's one thing but we're talking about approaching women in order to try to convince them to talk to you on a level that might lead to something deeper forming. That's a different sort of conversation with different undertones.

Like, seriously speaking, if this distinction isn't actually real and simply a figment of the mind then the idea guys and girls can just be literal friends if they've got other romantic interests wouldn't be an issue. No one would feel the need to defend themselves if they went out to meet someone of the opposite gender for pure casual friendship.

I don't really have the personality to approach a complete stranger and ask them out. I'd rather get to know a woman first, have the two of us be a little used to each other first.

That being said, a lot of people in this topic need to have more confidence. If your reason for not approaching a woman is "But what if I get called a creep?" or "What if she makes fun of me?", then you've lost before you even began.

Now yes, you do need some basic understanding of social clues. Don't make a conversation sexual frame 1, don't be hyper aggressive, stuff like that. Confidence absolutely carries though.

Fear will make you lonely for the rest of your days.

Solid_Sonic posted...

Mm...I disagree. If you're just striking up a conversation because you just want to casually talk that's one thing but we're talking about approaching women in order to try to convince them to talk to you on a level that might lead to something deeper forming. That's a different sort of conversation with different undertones.

And theres the problem.

If youre cold approaching somebody it should be to casually talk, at least at first. You know nothing about this person other than how they look and the same is true for them. Get to know them a little and then if something happens, itll happen organically. Its really not as hard as many people make it seem.

Glob posted...

And theres the problem.

If youre cold approaching somebody it should be to casually talk, at least at first. You know nothing about this person other than how they look and the same is true for them. Get to know them a little and then if something happens, itll happen organically. Its really not as hard as many people make it seem.

Well maybe I'm speaking from a place where I doubt the depth of my own personality. I tend to think I'm a boring or limited person in terms of what I can really get into with someone in an off-the-cuff way (i.e. I don't think I have a lot of life experience or interests that make me someone who can operate easily outside of the social circles where an expectation is easily established).

But either way I still think this frames all conversations as starting from the same origin point in any setting. If you want to start talking to a girl to get something going she can probably tell that's why you came up to her.

Tbh what I was reading felt really out of touch and then I got to

Im 54

and tapped out of the article

Doesnt feel like she has her finger on the pulse

Evening_Dragon posted...

I am reminded of that one commercial, what was it from? The one guy stops another from approaching a woman and there's no actual context beyond the assumption that approaching is bad. It caused a big fuss on the internet for a bit.

This was not as easy to find as it should have been. Gillette marked the original video private, and trying to search for it just results in a bunch of random bullshit.
https://youtu.be/UYaY2Kb_PKI?t=61

Being neurodivergent, honest, hot, a cardio freak, strong, and having a big d in my late 20's is really paying off in the modern dating landscape.

Solid_Sonic posted...

Well maybe I'm speaking from a place where I doubt the depth of my own personality. I tend to think I'm a boring or limited person in terms of what I can really get into with someone in an off-the-cuff way (i.e. I don't think I have a lot of life experience or interests that make me someone who can operate easily outside of the social circles where an expectation is easily established).

Then make yourself more interesting, mate. Not for getting with girls, but because you only have one life and its a shame to waste it. People who do interesting things become interesting people.

But either way I still think this frames all conversations as starting from the same origin point in any setting. If you want to start talking to a girl to get something going she can probably tell that's why you came up to her.

She can, yeah. Which is another reason why you dont do that. You just go and have a conversation. Dont go in with the aim of sleeping with her. That shit is transparent as hell, and shell see right through it. Genuinely just go and have conversations with people and the other stuff naturally follows when its supposed to.

Im not convinced its all that different from my day. When I was a teen most guys waited for girls to initiate because we didnt want to put ourselves out there. But Ive always found women are so much more capable at taking that leap. Of course none of this applies if youre a bombastic Chad.

Also for any fellas who think youre ugly because women dont approach you
women who are afraid of men are afraid of all men regardless of their looks
Im actually more intimidated by good looking guys honestly but this is because as a woman i understand I am not attractive lol

Honestly trying to risk it for the biscuit seems like a worse idea nowadays if there's a possibility you could crash and burn and be recorded while doing so,.

And even then if you don't get recorded it's kinda shitty if you're not that attractive, approach a woman that looks like her and she goes "Ummm. Eww."

American women did it to themselves.

Also? The current political climate did us no favors. With the attack on human rights, including the right to not have to give birth to your rapists baby, women understand that there's a greater risk to putting themselves out there these days.

Because I'm scared of rejection and don't want to be part of your Instagram reel.

Umbreon posted...

Also? The current political climate did us no favors. With the attack on human rights, including the right to not have to give birth to your rapists baby, women understand that there's a greater risk to putting themselves out there these days.

I hate bringing this up in these discussions because I feel like people tend to jump to "why are you even thinking that way?"

It's treated as one of those "if you've done nothing wrong you've got nothing to fear" scenarios even though I think the broader zeitgeist tells a different story.

Solid_Sonic posted...

I hate bringing this up in these discussions because I feel like people tend to jump to "why are you even thinking that way?"

It's treated as one of those "if you've done nothing wrong you've got nothing to fear" scenarios even though I think the broader zeitgeist tells a different story.

One in ten people are raped so its actually very understandable to think about how that effects the dating scene due to the traumatic stress it causes mentally

Kanaya413 posted...

One in ten people are raped so its actually very understandable to think about how that effects the dating scene due to the traumatic stress it causes mentally

Yeah but as soon as that notion is put out there it feels like it's way too easy to paint yourself as something you're not.

Solid_Sonic posted...

I hate bringing this up in these discussions because I feel like people tend to jump to "why are you even thinking that way?"

It's treated as one of those "if you've done nothing wrong you've got nothing to fear" scenarios even though I think the broader zeitgeist tells a different story.

I mean, it's just a stronger reinforcement of how things always were (Or at least, as far back as I remember).

For men, their fear tends to be "What if she's using me?" Or "What if I get made fun of?".

Where as women tend to have "What if he fucking murders me?" as their core fear.

"But I'm a nice guy!", you may say.

Maybe you are. So was Ted Bundy, until his targets got too close anyway. Then he stopped being 'nice'.

There are female killers of course, but women have to roll the dice way more often. It's a scary game to play.

I used to go to one local bar once every week because they had a decent happy hour, played kpop and hip hop music, and aired anime (mostly Netflix and Crunchyroll stuff) alongside sports. Bartender used to give me free snacks from nearby stores and share her music playlists

And then they got new management and got rid of all of that shit except sports so I haven't visited there in over a year now

Umbreon posted...

I mean, it's just a stronger reinforcement of how things always were (Or at least, as far back as I remember).

For men, their fear tends to be "What if she's using me?" Or "What if I get made fun of?".

Where as women tend to have "What if he fucking murders me?" as their core fear.

"But I'm a nice guy!", you may say.

Maybe you are. So was Ted Bundy, until his targets got too close anyway. Then he stopped being 'nice'.

There are female killers of course, but women have to roll the dice way more often. It's a scary game to play.

And see the branching scenario that comes from this in my mind is someone might then say "Well, I'm glad to be single if this is such a minefield to navigate," which then tends to inspire responses of "Do you think you're going to RAPE someone?"

It was made to sound like a bad situation so someone saying that they're relieved they stay out of it says something that gets suddenly gets pounced on.

Why do women want to bonk the brains out of David Berkowitz? That's what I wanna know. With his giant melon shaped head.

Why should I when they can see thru my bs confidence that has an agenda?

Solid_Sonic posted...

And see the branching scenario that comes from this in my mind is someone might then say "Well, I'm glad to be single if this is such a minefield to navigate," which then tends to inspire responses of "Do you think you're going to RAPE someone?"

It was made to sound like a bad situation so someone saying that they're relieved they stay out of it says something that gets suddenly gets pounced on.

The fact that this is a concern for you over being raped and murdered is already an indication of what your concerns are vs the average woman's.

Which isn't at all suggesting you would engage in such behavior. Just that fearing about potential social status loss means you're probably not as worried about never being seen again if you date the wrong person.

It's exhausting and it's not fair, but that's the way it is. If society as a whole was less shitty towards women, maybe they wouldn't be as fearful for their life.

Instead, we live in a country where a 10 year old can't get an abortion without having to jump through a thousand hoops. Despite the fact that there is no consensual way for a 10 year old to have to need one in the first place.

Honestly, talk to your female friends. They can help shed some light on the issue with their perspective.

You are INCREDIBLY cynical. I didn't even expect to go down this road in this topic but, like, damn...every day is gray and miserable.

Solid_Sonic posted...

You are INCREDIBLY cynical. I didn't even expect to go down this road in this topic but, like, damn...every day is gray and miserable.

but you brought it up, you're the one who paved the road, let alone go down it

viewmaster_pi posted...

but you brought it up, you're the one who paved the road, let alone go down it

It's not my only encounter I've had with Umbreon that went with "that's how it is - it sucks but that's how it is, even if it's unfair".

Definitely reinforces the "being realistic means accepting how bad everything sucks," worldview that I hate to wake up with.

I've been in my current relationship for 6 years now but outside or work or schooling there's no place to approach women romantically outside of online dating.

Death of third spaces and community is a big part of it, not just because of the reduced opportunities for people to meet and talk but because people are so not used to making friends in general now.

Everything is also so expensive as pointed out, doesn't help.

Don't like the lumping all women into some hive mind a few of the posters did, nor the other incel takes.

My advice is to go outside and get involved in your community, get to know people even if it's not to date.

LinkDaLunatic posted...

This was not as easy to find as it should have been. Gillette marked the original video private, and trying to search for it just results in a bunch of random bullshit.
https://youtu.be/UYaY2Kb_PKI?t=61

lmao

overall ad isn't bad, but that one bit really is