Current Events > Life update

(+) Yeah! (+)

So you guys know my brother and I have issues with our relationship. Well...

***trigger warning***

sometimes it gets physical. Usually resulting in him restraining my arms and/or mouth out of anger.

This happened again a couple mornings ago during one of our arguments and my ex walked in on him. She said she would have called the police if she hadn't just woken up.

She also contacted adult protection services and is offering me to leave with her next year and leave my brother behind.

We want to fix things, but these are behaviors that hes had since childhood (the anger issues, not the physicality) and we have ALWAYS clashed like this. It's just worse without the protection of family.

At the same time, we grew up together and have lived with each other for 32 years. This is such a mess. I want to run away because between this and everything else he's making my life completely miserable. But I dont want to just toss aside 32 years. But I also can't just accept that I'll be hit for possibly the rest of my life.

Idk what to do.

You need to remove yourself from any situation involving violence.

Fuck, you're a better person than me, your brother sounds like a genuinely atrocious person from the way you've described him.

You have to protect yourself of course. But Im curious what do you think his chances are of fending for himself? Maybe he could rise to the occasion and be better for it. Or do you think hes not capable?

Will_VIIII posted...

You need to remove yourself from any situation involving violence.

This. You can't help someone else if you can't help yourself, and continuing to exist within a routine of violence is not helping yourself. If you have an out, I suggest you take it, assuming you're not putting yourself in a worse position.

boomgetchopped3 posted...

You have to protect yourself of course. But Im curious what do you think his chances are of fending for himself? Maybe he could rise to the occasion and be better for it. Or do you think hes not capable?

I legitimately think he cant do a damn thing without me being a constant presence in his life.

Super_Slash posted...

I legitimately think he cant do a damn thing without me being a constant presence in his life.

That's not your responsibility. You're in a domestic abuse situation here.

Call the cops. It's not your fault he's like this and you need to remove him from your life if you ever want heal

Your life is not going to improve as long as your brother is still abusing you. Furthermore he is a grown ass man, you are not responsible for him.

From what little I understand of the situation from lurking your topics from time to time.

... you need to kick your brother to the curb. He's abusing you. This is abuse.

If he doesn't wake up and grow the fuck up, that's not on you.

ITS OKAY TO ABANDON FAMILY WHEN SAID FAMILY ARE ACTIVLY HARMING YOU.

Ask yourself this. Would you rather continue to an enable someone who is actively making your existence a waking hell, or have a chance of happiness and relative freedom?

I think you should leave asap. It's tough when it's family, but you have to keep your safety in mind as well. Cus you won't be able to focus on doing whats best for you or your brother if you're getting hurt and always in fear of getting hurt

Maybe try and find professional help for him if possible?

Or alternatively make him leave. Like today.

There is a reason why it is not ideal for laypeople to try to save a drowning person, instead of a trained lifeguard.

It's because of you don't know what you're doing, one drowning person very easily becomes two.

It's rough, it's shitty, and nobody likes making that decision, but at a certain point you have done all you can do.

BucketCat posted...

I think you should leave asap

i agree with this. there's only so much one can do in the sinking ship scenario i'm seeing. there's help for brother but not from you unfortunately.

Staying around him while he continues to abuse you is just going to damage your mental state even more. Not to mention theres always the chance that one of his violent outburst could result in you needing to be hospitalized. As others have said, if you have a way out, you really should take it. For both your physical and mental health.

This makes me so sad for both of you. My son is on the spectrum and he is really sweet, I hate to think about how his life could turn out otherwise or if something were to happen to me and I try to take care of myself and have people that will take care of him if something does happen.

You need to really figure something out here. Ruining your life probably isnt helping him either, its just fucking your life up. If you leave hell likely end up in the system and theyll figure out something for him and get him the help and resources he needs. It is not your responsibility. You have done way more than enough from my understanding of the situation.

I am sorry you have had to deal with all of this.

Will_VIIII posted...

You need to remove yourself from any situation involving violence.

^ You can try to patch the relationship later, but you don't need to be in arms reach if the guy is getting violent. I'm sorry but some level of self care is important.

My roommate/ex called adult protection services and they showed up and spoke to me this morning. She asked me some questions and said if he does it again, I can go to the coroners office and report him and he can be forced into a mental hospital for more detailed help. I told them I do not want to press charges yet.

Super_Slash posted...

My roommate/ex called adult protection services and they showed up and spoke to me this morning. She asked me some questions and said if he does it again, I can go to the coroners office and report him and he can be forced into a mental hospital for more detailed help. I told them I do not want to press charges yet.

you need to press charges if not for your sake then for his

your not helping him your just making things worse for you for him and for your ex

Super_Slash posted...

But I also can't just accept that I'll be hit for possibly the rest of my life.

Don't accept that life, you do not deserve abuse from anybody, you seem like a good person, CE can only advice but it's upto you to make the changes - please think of yourself and your safety for once, you deserve a better life and it won't get better if you stay in this siutuation, I'm rooting for you I really am and wish you all the best

At a certain point, it becomes something you cannot handle on your own.

You do not have the training, the education, the environment, the funding, or the capability to help. That is not a negative judgment of you, just a statement that your brother almost assuredly needs specialized care that is far beyond what you can provide.

It's in no way an easy decision to make and I don't want to minimize what you're going through, but what you have now is not sustainable. The choice will very likely be made for you sooner rather than later, and in that case it will be substantially uglier.

Whether you want to press charges or not is up to you, but you need him out of your life, at least for the most part.

I sincerely think continuing to live with him would be unhealthy for either one of you.

Autism doesn't excuse him being abusive, hes still an adult and even if his particular form of autism makes it hard for him to feel empathy he can still understand thats not how you treat other humans, even as just an arbitrary rule in his mind.

AceMos posted...

you need to press charges if not for your sake then for his

i agree with this.

RasterGraphic posted...

Autism doesn't excuse him being abusive

also agree with this.

^ agree with the last few posts. Get out now

Super_Slash posted...

I do not want to press charges yet.

You should press charges now. His being sent to a metal facility helps you and him

Why havent you tried finding a place that will take care of him? Are they expensive?

Your brother seems to be the one ruining your life. Yeah he has mental problems, but he isnt capable of fixing them himself, and neither are you. There are people who can.

And Im gonna give a hot take here but Im gonna assume most of your life problems stem from him. He abuses you, uses your money, probably ruins relationships, takes your time. He doesnt want help. You are trying to fix your life, he isnt trying to improve. Find someone who can help him and dont destroy your life for someone, even if related, who is going to ruin yours.

You cant help people who dont want help.

I don't have much to add, people have said great advice already. Just want to wish you luck.

I cant live with him anymore. This is so fucked. He is making my life completely miserable. Yet I still love him. 32 years and I've had enough.

But almost everything he says now is completely insane or involves acting like a five year old. I'll give you guys some examples of why I'm ready to hit my skull on a wall when I get some time and energy.

Super_Slash posted...

I cant live with him anymore. This is so fucked. He is making my life completely miserable. Yet I still love him. 32 years and I've had enough.

But almost everything he says now is completely insane or involves acting like a five year old. I'll give you guys some examples of why I'm ready to hit my skull on a wall when I get some time and energy.

You both need (different) help. I think based on your posts that you can help yourself and that you'll be able to sort your life out, but I don't think you can help your brother, at least at the moment. If you can have a healthy friendship with your ex then the offer to move out with her sounds like a good shout. Also from your topics here, you do have momentum in the right way. You shouldn't settle for your effort and progress being discarded.

This doesn't mean abandoning your brother, nor does it mean they should be removed from your life. However, in the same way you get a plumber to fix your toilet because you lack the capability, you need to get someone else to help him because he honestly needs more specialist help.

There is absolutely no reason that you (or anyone) should put up with abuse. Ever. Make no mistake, this is pure abuse. You are being abused by your brother. He may not think or intend to be abusive, but he is. You do not deserve to be abused, nor is it your fault or the result of anything you've done.

My ex has a lot of faith in me even if I do annoy her a lot. She has seen the full picture now, and it clicked for her. She knows my actions annoy her largely because of what ive turned into due to chronic abuse.

any updates

Your brother is a maniac.

Moving out of there puts the proper distance and safety, but that doesn't mean you turned your back against family. That family removed themselves.

You need to leave him and her.

leaving one problem for another wont instantly fix everything. Just go and support yourself. As I said quit only having one job for 10 hours a week. Get 2 jobs or 3. Its not forever, just get your own money and go, quit relying on that girl to support yourself, quit thinking of running off with someone who was cheating on you and all that.
Its been like half a year, it seems nothing has changed.
you said before your brother is on these boards right? Do you sometimes right some of these topics for his attention?

Really really hope you can get away from him soon and begin to heal

I feel for you, TC. I hope something happens where you can start living for yourself for a change.

I just want to say I wish you the best of luck, and to emphasize this:

Super_Slash posted...

But I dont want to just toss aside 32 years

You aren't. He is. This isn't on you.

dhampire1 posted...

You need to leave him and her.

leaving one problem for another wont instantly fix everything. Just go and support yourself. As I said quit only having one job for 10 hours a week. Get 2 jobs or 3. Its not forever, just get your own money and go, quit relying on that girl to support yourself, quit thinking of running off with someone who was cheating on you and all that.
Its been like half a year, it seems nothing has changed.
you said before your brother is on these boards right? Do you sometimes right some of these topics for his attention?

He was on GameFAQs/CE at one point. But he got banned and decided to stay off.

I just want to say that he wasnt always like this and the reason I havent given up on him yet is because of the brother he used to be. I wish he would be like that again.

Super_Slash posted...

He was on GameFAQs/CE at one point. But he got banned and decided to stay off.

I just want to say that he wasnt always like this and the reason I havent given up on him yet is because of the brother he used to be. I wish he would be like that again.

and maybe he can be again but it wont happen if he dont get the help he clearly needs

and that sure as hell aint happening with him in your care

so if you wont do it for your own sake do it for his get him commited

I don't think coroner is the word you were looking for

Typo lol

Tldr: I have to turn him in on the same day he gets physical.

Super_Slash posted...

Typo lol

Tldr: I have to turn him in on the same day he gets physical.

So if it happens again you're committed to calling the cops?

I'm strongly considering it.

Super_Slash posted...

I'm strongly considering it.

Don't consider it, do it. This is something that needs to happen for both of you.

Super_Slash posted...

He was on GameFAQs/CE at one point. But he got banned and decided to stay off.

I just want to say that he wasnt always like this and the reason I havent given up on him yet is because of the brother he used to be. I wish he would be like that again.

Many abusive people weren't always abusive. Some of them don't even intend to be abusive. It doesn't change their actions however. No one is justified or excused from abusing you.

Oh my fucking god

So I've been crashing in my brother's room the last few nights. My ex and I never switched rooms when we broke up and she still craves my presence and affection. So this morning she had a meltdown because I havent been sleeping in there much, and informed me that if I dont find a way around this in the next few days shes going to start locking me out of the room.

Looool someone just kill me already for fuck sake

The situation as you continue to describe it is one where you need a living situation with those two absent.

I think I've lost a few major brain cells. I dont believe in friends OR family anymore.

Super_Slash posted...

I think I've lost a few major brain cells. I dont believe in friends OR family anymore.

*hug*

you have people who care about you even if its only here on CE you do have people who care

Super_Slash posted...

I think I've lost a few major brain cells. I dont believe in friends OR family anymore.

You need to make new friends. I had to start over in that regard after my divorce in 2016/17. Friends can be fantastic, and like family, when you find the right ones.