Poll of the Day > Just wanted to let everyone know how I was doing

(+) Yeah! (+)

So... it's been a year and 6 days since the wreck that ruined my life (my wife was killed in it.) I'm not well, honestly. People keep saying I'm "doing better" because I'm busy working two jobs, spending a lot of times with friends and stuff... but really I'm just in auto-pilot to the wrong airport. My insides are absolute hell, worse every day, very very dark thoughts and apathy towards being alive. I didn't drink for 6 months after the wreck because of my head injury and grief, and that is the longest I've been sober since I was 17 (I'm in my 30s now.) About... June(?) my neurologist told me it would be okay to drink alcohol, injury wise. I think that might have been the most dangerous thing I've ever been told, because I am drinking to black out drunk levels multiple times a week.

But, yeah. I am extremely depressed and don't know what my future holds. There are a few amazing people in my life that kind of keep me... grounded a bit. Even Susan from here has become an awesome friend. But I just don't know.

Anyways, I just wanted to thank all you guys that helped me with that GoFundMe back earlier this year, and mead and helly and everyone that kept it alive and contributed etc. that was noble of you guys. Even Jen and RC were amazing selfless people to me, and I fucked that up (which I regret) because of how toxic my grief has gotten. I've turned on a lot of my family and friends as my world views darken, and pushed a lot of people out of my life. Anyways, I don't know who cares, just wanted to touch base with you guys. I feel like it was fucked up of me to come on here, ask for money, and then leave. But it was fucking scary trying to pay two people's bills with one persons income (not that money is what mattered in all of this nightmare.)
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Thanks for the update, glad youre hanging in there
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:( :) :(
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You make Doom maps still?
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Andromicus posted...

You make Doom maps still?

I haven't touched the editor since the wreck, but I was just talking to my homegirl about that the other day. I want to get back in to it. I have some ideas I want to create, and I don't think it would hurt to be occupied a bit.
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i wonder how long it'll take the tox squad to get in here
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helIy posted...

i wonder how long it'll take the tox squad to get in here

Who is a tox?
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Watch the booze, man. My biggest mistakes involve the drink, and it can be easy to enjoy too many. Alcohol is great when treated with respect, but it can lead your mind to horrible thoughts and decisions.

Glad you're still around, homeslice.
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After reading the first line, I thought that alcohol might help you. Then you brought it up and said it's making things worse.

I was an alcoholic for a few years, I would also black out multiple times a week. It wasn't until I changed my environment (stopped living with my parents and moved out) that I began to respect alcohol as a tool. Perhaps you need a change of environment.
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minervo posted...

After reading the first line, I thought that alcohol might help you. Then you brought it up and said it's making things worse.

I was an alcoholic for a few years, I would also black out multiple times a week. It wasn't until I changed my environment (stopped living with my parents and moved out) that I began to respect alcohol as a tool. Perhaps you need a change of environment.

Aye. Alcohol is definitely a love hate thing with me right now...
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minervo posted...

Perhaps you need a change of environment.

That could help.
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What happened with you and @Jen0125 or @RCtheWSBC
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SmokeMassTree posted...

What happened with you and @Jen0125 or @RCtheWSBC

I've been snapping at people and turning on family and friends as my grief gets more toxic and I become more and more of a miserable prick the darker my depression goes. I was a complete douche to RC about something that didn't matter at all on Facebook and she didn't deserve it at all. I've been losing friends left and right and family has been distancing themselves from me (someone from my family actually said I'm "too depressing to be around"), but me being a fucking idiot to RC was entirely on me. She didn't do anything wrong and neither did Jen. It sucks cause I've known RC like 15 years, and Jen and RC are awesome people that really showed care for me in the horror of everything I'm going through, and I wish I could go back and take back my behavior... but yeah..... Basically, I just don't know how to direct my grief and behaved like a brat over nothing.
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Hey, I don't have any negative feelings towards you, man. I just don't like when people talk to my girl like that. I want the best for you and hope you can start feeling better soon.
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Well atleast you can admit you were wrong
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Jen0125 posted...

Hey, I don't have any negative feelings towards you, man. I just don't like when people talk to my girl like that. I want the best for you and hope you can start feeling better soon.

Same. And I really am sorry to both of you. I completely understand having her back, and I'm not mad at you guys in any form or way. Heh. I'm mad at myself, period.
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LinkPizza posted...

minervo posted...

Perhaps you need a change of environment.

That could help.

Trust me, I want it desperately. I want to just drive out of this state until I run out of gas. But I'm thinking it might be smarter for me to pay off my bills first. But then, the other half of me doesn't care about being alive and wants to say fuck it. I'm literally in a constant war with myself of trying to be/feel normal and wishing I was dead.
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