As soon as his glorious presence hit the earth, the gentleman pig understood his body was not fit for his intellect. The pig's one passion (if a purely intellectual enthusiasm may be called a passion) was art—not art in its narrow, personal aspects, but in its broader, more universal significance. And art was not only his dominating interest but his chief diversion. He was something of an authority on Japanese and Chinese prints; he knew tapestries and ceramics; and once his not-so-smart pig father heard him give an impromptu causerie to a few cows on Tanagra figurines, which, had it been transcribed, would have made a most delightful and instructive monograph.
He dreaded the day he would be killed, much like the rest of his family, but not because he feared death—a true gentleman welcomed any lady, even if that lady is death. What he truly feared was that he would be unable to appreciate art once he was eaten by an uncultured buffoon. Always a pig of action, the gentleman pig decided to...
a)Fake his death b)Send a calling card to the farmer's house announcing he would steal his treasure c)Bring flowers to the farmer's daughter. d)Incite a revolution while not being a part of the riot itself.
"Brothers," he began, "it is time for our voice to be heard. The weak shall overcome the strong, the damned shall damn, the hunter shall be hunted. It is time; it is our time to find our own personal heaven. All pigs die, but not all pigs truly live. I say, let's live!"
The pigs looked at each other in confusion, before turning to the gentleman pig with a rather shocked look on their face, and saying all at once.
"Oink?"
"Uncultured buffoons," the gentleman pig sighed, "it's because of pigs like you that we are treated like food."
The gentleman pig then did a backflip, landing on top of a switch that activated the nanomachines inside every pig in the room his future self had inserted before his birth using his time machine. The nanomachine powered pigs grew wings and sunglasses out of their bones, and rushed against the farmer, whose shotgun committed suicide in fear of the revolution.
"Lowly creatures! Do you dare defy me?" the farmer exclaimed, drawing a lightsaber.
a)Escape while farmer is distracted with the riot b)Sit on your throne and lead the pig revolution c)Steal the farmer's treasure d)Challenge the farmer to a one-on-one duel. e)Other
"Step aside! We shall settle this like civilized creatures!" declared the pig, bravely stepping towards the farmer.
The pig army backed down, as their nanomachines ordered them to, unable to defy the gentleman pig. The farmer looked at him with a mixture of admiration and disgust, as he paced towards the dueling field.
"I knew you were a problem pig the moment you were born," he said dryly. "Ever since twenty minutes ago, I knew it would eventually come to this."
"If we met under different circumstances," mused the pig, "perhaps we could have been friends."
The farmer lunged at the pig, lightsaber in hand with a thrusting motion. The pig backflipped over the farmer, using his gentleman cape to temporarily blind the human and create the perfect opportunity for his pig kick. Without so much as flinching, the farmer twisted his body to counterattack, his lightning blade barely missing the pig's flesh.
"Tonight, we dine bacon!"
Aware his kick had no effect on the farmer, the pig swiftly activated his laser monocle, melting the farmer's skin to reveal his true metallic appearance. The farmer grinned, the pigs gasped, but the gentleman pig didn't even blink. There was no time to be surprised. He again fired his monocle laser, which was deflected by the farmer's lightsaber. As the fight moved to a closer range, the pig attempted to roundhouse kick his opponent, but was stopped by the farmer's telekinesis.
"You don't seem scared," the farmer stated, surprised.
"You don't seem scary," the pig responded.
The gentleman pig locked his head against the cyborg farmer's, a mighty headbutt exposing his internal circuits. The pig's forehead was bleeding slightly, the blood gently being blown away by his final gentleman monocle laser.
The farmer fell to the ground, at his mercy.
What should the pig do?
a)Kill the farmer and end the story b)Spare him and end the story c)Spare him and leave in search of the ultimate art piece d)Kill him and leave in search of the ultimate art piece e)Explode the entire farm and leave in search of the ultimate art piece f)Other
The gentleman's pig's face twisted slightly, in a rare expression of anger. Having been born merely twenty minutes before, no one knew him well enough to understand the subtle nuances in his usual demeanor to see his anger—yet the farmer could feel it. Was it his cyborg enhancements that allowed him to understand the creature's fury? Or was it his animal heart?
No.
He understood the moment he looked through the gentleman pig's monocles, and looked him in the eye. It wasn't because they were both human, but because they were both animals. It was his animal instinct telling him to run from the hatred, the killing instinct residing inside that calm, cold, calculating pig.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" the cyborg farmer exclaimed, as the laser penetrated his circuits. "What makes you think you are more than a piece of bacon?"
The gentleman pig had practically left the farm by that point. One more step and he would be gone. Before taking that final step, he took off his monocle, looking back at the pathetic farmer. He smirked, exploding the nanomachines inside every pig, and effectively, the entire farm.
"That's what makes me more than a piece of bacon," he said, a huge fireball erupting behind him. "That's what makes me the baconator."
Where should he go now?
a)Steal piece of art from the Louvre Art Museum b)Go look for the lost treasure of Clownstricious c)Recruit more hyper intelligent animals d)Other
Since there is no clear consensus, I'm going with "Z)All of the above." What didn't show up in this update will show up over the next 2 or so.
------------- The gentleman pig wandered inside a bar in the cold streets of London. He cleaned his monocle, and proceeded to order a the finest wine he could find. The bartender wasn't particularly pleased about his selection.
"Alcohol will kill you, you pig," he grunted. "Why don't you try living a clean lifestyle? Why don't you try living a straight edge lifestyle?"
Raising his nonexistent eyebrow, the pig responded. "Why are you a bartender if you--"
"Because," the bartender responded, not allowing him to finish, "I'm better than you."
The illogical, yet unreasonably cool bartender locked eyes with the gentleman pig, who inspected him from head to toe. He seemed different from other humans. While he was, without a doubt, much like other humans a person who cared little about everyone else, he was strangely honest about his hatred.
"What is your name?"
"CM Punk."
"Tell me CM Punk, do you know how to travel back to the past?"
"Every straight edge man knows," he nodded. "The treasure of Clownstricious is a time machine."
"Do you know where I can find it?"
CM Punk nodded. "It's in the middle of the ocean."
"Where exactly--"
"The. Middle. Of. The. Ocean." he responded, enunciating each word. "Now get out! Only straight edge living beings are allowed in my bar!"
The pig was then forced out of the bar by a bunch of pepsi mongers, who rudely covered his top hat with dirt. Even so, he smiled as he left the straight edge bar. It was the first time in his two hours of life he was discriminated against because of his lifestyle, rather than his life form.
Now at the docks, the pig saw five potential crew members. A dog, a monkey, a giraffe, a lion and a yeti. He decided to recruit all of them, for they were all highly intelligent and also in search of partners. The treasure of Clownstricious would help them with world domination, they said.
Next they will...
a)Use the Yeti as a boat and look for the treasure b)Use the Yeti as a surfboard and look for the treasure c)Steal a boat and rename it Noah's Arc. d)Walk on water with the help of the Gentleman Pig's powers e)Use the monocle laser to evaporate the ocean and walk through it until the treasure.
I was going to sleep but decided to make one more update before sleeping.
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"How shall we get through the ocean, gentleman pig?" asked the loyal lion.
The gentleman pig did not respond immediately. Instead, he walked as close to the water as he could without actually falling into the ocean. Nonchalantly, he let his monocle hit the ground, as he challenged the ocean to a blinking contest. His gentleman's pride wouldn't allow him to lose. If physics stood in his way, then physics, logic, reason, he would blow them all away, he would make them all bow down!
"Dear God," exclaimed the masterful monkey, as he covered his mouth with his hands.
To be a gentleman, you need to be able to do two things. First, you must be gentle as the wind, being able to comfort your friends(and even your enemies) in the toughest situations; you must be able to fight your natural instincts and be ready to sacrifice your life for someone else. Secondly and just as importantly, there are times you need to be a manly man. The gentleman pig clashed with the ocean, his mighty manliness shooting a laser out of his eye so powerful it split time and space in half, creating a miniature black hole that sucked all matter in the ocean to it, including the water, then evaporated once it became too fearful of the pig's presence. All that was left was one abandoned, seemingly sunk ship in the middle of where the ocean used to be.
"Let's go," said the pig, as he put on his monocle-styled sunglasses.
"Wait," giraffe protested. "It's too scary! We don't want to go in there!"
What should pig do now?
a)Go search the ship alone. b)Explode the ship, hope the treasure is undamaged. c)Do the DX crotch chop and tell his crew to suck it over and over again until they agree to go inside the ship. d)Headbutt the ship open so that it can be investigated without actually having to enter it.
"Honorable gentlemen, if you aren't going to follow through with my fair proposal, then I propose the following." The pig enigmatically began to move his hands towards his genitals back and forth, in a fast, blinding motion. "Suck it!"
There was a general sound of agreement that sucking it was indeed a fair proposal. The gynecologist giraffe in special seemed fairly thrilled with the proposal. The loyal lion complained at first, but seemed quite pleased with the idea. The gentleman pig, seeing that his taunt had not turned out as he had hoped, entered the pirate ship by himself.
It was a rather dark place, filled with the corpses of creatures that dwell in the bottom of the ocean, such as fish, sharks, and ghosts. The ghost was not, as the gentleman pig had expected, transparent. He was in fact green and looked like famous country singer Billy Ray. The ghost and the pig stared at each other for a second, studying this new presence in their lives. The pig then...
a)Proceeded to do the DX crotch chop and say "Suck it!" to seduce Billy Ray b)Killed the ghost with his laser c)Headbutted the ghost d)Talked about the weather e)Other
With an astounding speed, the pig's hands moved towards and away his genital area with a frightening speed. One could even wonder whether his chops had surpassed the speed of sound. Billy Ray's jaw dropped at the sight of it, many psychologists still debating whether the cause of such sudden jaw movement was a desire to obey the pig's command or sheer admiration of the technique behind the crotch chop.
"Suck it gentleman!"
"My life is yours, my lord,"said Billy Ray as he began singing. "You can tell the world..."
"Wait," interrupted the gentleman pig. "I hate to interrupt your godly voice, however, I am in search of the treasure. Do you know where it is?"
"Oh yeah, it's right there."
Tipping his top hat to the country singer, the gentleman pig obtained the treasure, held it above his head as a strange sound effect came out.
Gentleman pig has obtained Time Machine!
As the gentleman pig was leaving, Billy Ray interrupted him, arguing he should join the pig's crew of ultimate animals as the ultimate human. The pig considered such request absolutely unreasonable, but accepted it due to his gentleness. Now, armed with his time machine and new companion, he proceeded to...
a)Steal a spaceship b)Use time machine to go somewhere(be specific) c)Use time machine to insert nanomachines in animals around his old farm to create a stable time loop thing. d)Go shopping for better monocles