Current Events > Give me your best puns, one liners, and dad jokes.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Plz?
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What did one flag say to another flag? Nothing, it just waved.
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor ? Because it felt crummy
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion.

He was outstanding in his field.
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I had to go to the doctor becsuse my penis turned orange.
He too a look, and was shocked.
He asked if I had been doing anything differently in my life.
I told him that I just do what I always do...
eat Cheetos and watch porn
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People are talking about the end of the world like there's no tomorrow.
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Good, keep 'em coming please!
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What does War get every time he goes to the bar?
Darksliders. (:

C'mon guys the more I get the better my chances of getting laid!
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A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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You know the guy that invented Altoids? I hear he is doing really well for himself, I hear he made a mint.
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Chris Christie, S.P.F. 1000
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Kermit the Frog decides he's sick of swimming in the swamp, so he decides to buy himself a speedboat, but realizes he'll first need to get some financing for it.

At the bank, he sits down with a woman to discuss his finance options. "Thank you for seeing me, Ms. Whac," he says, regarding her nametag.

"It's no problem at all, Mr. Kermit, I'll be happy to get you a loan for your purchase. Oh, and just call me Patti."

"All right," says Kermit. "I was thinking of getting financing for about $50,000"

"$50,000? Well that must be a really nice boat! What do you have for collateral?" Asks Patti

"Well, living in a swamp I really don't have a lot of possessions, but I do have this" Says Kermit, as he places a small glass elephant figure on the table.

"I've never seen anything like this," says Patti. "I'll have to check with my manager to see if it will cover it, if you don't mind."

Kermit nods, and Patti takes the elephant into her manager's office. "I don't know what to make of this," She says. "What even is this? Is it enough to cover a boat?"

The manager regards the elephant for a moment and says "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whac! Give the frog a loan!"
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3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together.

The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."

The second woman said, "I blew Chunks."

The third woman said, "I burned down my house."

After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
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morning bump
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.
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What did Sonic the Hedgehog say on Good Friday?













Gotta go fast

What do you call the cross between a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie-talkie!
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What do you call a Roman with a pubic hair stuck in his teeth?


A glad he ate her.
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What did Hitler say in his final hour?

I certainly did nazi that coming!
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Guy walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. He sees a horse in the corner, and asks why there's horse inside. Bartender says "if you can make the horse laugh you get free drink". Guy walks next to the horse and after a moment the horse starts laughing.

Next day the guy goes to the same bar again, asks for beer and again sees the horse inside the bar. Bartender tells him that this time he must make the horse cry, if he wants his free drink. Guys goes next to the horse and after a moment the bartender hears horse crying.

The bartender asks the guy how he managed to do that. Guy says that first day he told the horse that he has bigger dick than it does, next day he showed it.
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What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig.

buuump
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